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I know…I know. What can I say!
The women in our lives are the most beautiful and mysterious of creatures on the planet and one thing that drives us guys crazy is how they can be so unpredictable and confusing.
I remember offering advice to a client whose ex-girlfriend had, “out of the blue”, declared that she wanted to break up with him. And when I say out of the blue, I mean she caught him completely by surprise.
There was “zero” hint this was coming.
Now some people will say,
“Ok, I have been there. My ex-girlfriend pulled the wool over my eyes and caught my by surprise too. I could not have ever predicted she would drop me like a lead balloon.
And I am sure you would be completely justified to make such a claim because these kinds of break-ups do happen.
Just out of nowhere, the relationship explodes and becomes no more.
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But let’s go back to my client.
He explained that he and his ex-girlfriend had been dating for four years. He said they seldom fought and by all appearances, the two of them were the model couple.
He told me that even the night before, they had made love and talked about long range plans.
They parted that morning on great terms, but when he got back to the apartment, she was partially packed and declared she “just had to go”.
“Unbelievable” is all he could repeat over and over again.
He never saw this event unfolding and had every reason to believe that their future together as a couple was as solid as it could possible be.
Yet, there he was standing in the living room of his apartment…..an apartment that was missing some furniture and most of “her things”.
He explained to me she did not want to talk about it.
Of course, I was initially confused by that statement.
I mean, yes, his ex-girlfriend’s behavior was odd and mysterious and completely beyond predictability as he explained.
“But certainly my client had to press the issue”, I thought.
One should not let four years go right out the window, without pressing for more details and insisting she sit down and explain what had happened and why she was taking such drastic measures.
So I pushed for clarification.
You see, I was confused by what he described as a long term girlfriend suddenly bolting out the door.
But I was also confused by his seemingly passive response and reaction to her behavior..
I asked him, “now hold it, you didn’t just let her walk out without pressing or insisting on an explanation”.
Sorrowfully, he replied, “well, she has always been an independent, sensitive minded woman and I was so stunned, I just stood there as she walked out”.
Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.
And this was certainly one of those occasions where the girlfriend presumably just upped and left the relationship with little explanation.
Then we have a guy who, I guess was so shocked and confused, let her walk.
Do you ever get confused or frustrated about your Ex?
Well, let’s try to peel back a few layers and maybe we will get lucky and make a bit of sense out of what is going on and how you might want to act to counter the chaos.
Over the next few minutes, we will be discussing the following key topics:
- Welcome to the Wacky World of Ex Girlfriends
- Why are Women So Confusing
- Why is my Ex-Girlfriend So Mysterious
- Why is my Ex-Girlfriend So Unpredictable
- The Languages of Your Ex-Girlfriend (Double Speak)
Welcome To The Wacky World of Ex-Girlfriends
Welcome to my world of the mysterious, wacky, confusing, and unpredictable ex-girlfriends.
Hey! I never said this would be easy.
Ok… now let’s get something straight before we press forward.
Not all ex-girlfriends behave in a confusing and wacky manner.
Not all ex-girlfriends play the mysterious and unpredictable woman card.
And not all ex girlfriends are willing to cold drop their long term boyfriend on the spot without an explanation.
So I don’t want you to think I am painting all women with the same brush.
Heck, I know some guys that are pretty darn wild and wacky and completely unreliable and unpredictable.
So two can play at this game
We are dealing with a two way “relationship” street here, so to speak.
Now, for the women readers out there, please don’t crucify me and throw away all the points I am about to make!
I am going to say some things that some of our lovely lady folks might not be happy to hear.
They may not like that I am revealing some of their innermost secrets.
Nevertheless, it is my opinion based on experience and research.
Ok, so here we go.
First, let’s get one thing straight!
I am going to take off the gloves and give it to you straight.
In fact, you might want to go fetch a drink, because you are going to need it in order to re-calibrate your thinking.
The first thing you need to accept is that you are probably outgunned.
Yep, while you may not want to hear this, it is true.
Your ex-girlfriend can probably outwit you as things stand right now.
In fact, my experience is that women are usually the sharper tool in the shed.
Yep, you heard that right.
Women are pretty darn smart.
Most likely, a lot smarter than you realize. That is the way they want it.
Look, there is nothing bad about women being smarter than most guys.
I mean, what is “smart” anyway? How do your really measure it?
Right now, neither you or your ex-girlfriend are very smart. Look at the hole you have dug yourselves!
Frankly, I don’t mind my woman being smarter than I.
Anyway… back to the question of the wiser of our species.
The sooner you realize this “truth” about women, the wiser you will become.
Indeed, the more time you spend around women, particularly if you are strongly connected and bonded with a woman, the smarter you will become.
It rubs off.
You should know that women sometimes use their “smarts” to throw us guys off stride.
I also think that some of those ex-girlfriends out there are hard to figure out because they want us to think they are “mysterious”.
Or they want us to believe they are unpredictable.
Part of the truth is that it is in a woman’s nature to be mysterious and unpredictable.
But having you think this way, plays right into their hands in certain situations.
Your ex-girlfriend is probably very cunning.
I don’t mean that in a derogatory way.
Not at all.
I consider it a compliment.
But men need to understand that sometimes these odd and confusing behaviors are manifestations of a woman who is using her “cunning skills” to outsmart or outfox you.
In effect, the women of our lives are usually very accomplished actresses.
I think part of the reason women are such good actresses is it is a learned skill, passed down from other successful women they have modeled themselves after.
Another reason for their “actress behavior” comes from simple survival and coping skills they have acquired over the years.
So a tough question to ask is, “are women manipulative” when it comes to their relationships?
Do they utilize manipulative tactics to emotionally throw off men…. get inside of their heads?
Do they play mind games, so to speak?
I think the answer is definitely yes.
But men are manipulative too.
Everybody uses manipulation tactics.
But I would venture to say, women are much more competent at the practice and use of manipulation.
Now just to muddy the waters even more, some of these same women are at times genuinely confused about what they may want.
Their wider range of emotions may cause them to be perceived as unpredictable or mysterious.
This is what makes understanding the “cause and effect” of things that happen within a relationship, a very confusing matter.
Are you confused by your ex-girlfriend because she is putting on an act?
Or is the confusion and uncertainty you experience, caused by the emotional turmoil that your ex gf is experiencing.
It could be one or the other or both.
Go figure, right!
Why are Women Are So Confusing?
For starters, women are amazing and beautiful creatures of life.
Trust me, us guys would be “fracked” without them.
Of course, we are also sometimes “fracked” with them.
This is what makes relationships go around and around.
Do you need some help in getting off the merry go round?
Wouldn’t you like to understand your ex-girlfriend, just a tad bit more?
I sure hope so.
A certain story comes to mind.
This fellow named, Plato, was revealing a classical truth way back in the day.
The story is referred to as the allegory of “Plato’s Cave”.
It is a classic, but I will change a few little details to advance the narrative.
Imagine these people in a cave.
We will call them the boyfriends.
The cave is cold, so there is a fire. These guys in the cave are chained in such a way that there backs are turned to the entrance of the cave. All they can see is the back wall of the cave.
As the flame from the fire flickers, it creates a shadow world on the walls of the cave.
So while these guys are unable to see the reality outside the cave, the images on the cave wall gives them incomplete glimpses of the underlying reality.
Imagine that outside the entrance of the cave, the ex-girlfriends of these guys are walking, talking, and behaving in a variety of ways.
The men of the cave can only see the shadow play on the walls as they try to deduce what is all means.
Now with this allegory in mind, do you ever feel like a caveman, unable to fully process why your ex-girlfriend behaves in the manner she does?
Part of the problem is you can never quite get inside her head.
Another problem is you don’t speak all of her languages, but more on that later!
I think some of the confusion stems from men failing to understand the makeup of women, as compared to themselves or other men.
Men tend to have a certain way of processing and responding to things.
They look a “causal” relationships.
What the heck does that mean?
Essentially, guys are more influenced by cause and effect types of situations.
If you do “this”, “that” will usually happen. Or If you say “this”, it means “that”.
Your ex-girlfriend processes things a bit differently.
She too believes in causal relationship of things. But she sees beyond that as well.
The cause of things are usually not always clear and straightforward to her.
She will also have certain expectations of you, that may not fully understand.
Part of the reason you may not understand is because she expects that you should be able to make the connection about what it is “you” should be doing or saying.
When you don’t, she get’s frustrated with you and you get confused.
Now, if you could read her mind and follow the flurry of thoughts she is having and how they connect with her behavior, then you would be a heck of a lot less confused.
But I am sorry to say that I cannot grant you the magic of mind reading.
It is confusing, I know. It is even more difficult to try and explain.
The confusion guys usually have about their ex-girlfriends also originates with men’s inability to understand women’s need for feeling safe and secure.
We often take our own security needs for granted and cannot fathom why our girlfriend may need special emotional support at times.
Now don’t get me wrong.
All of these things I ruminate about, though culled from experience, do not necessarily apply to all women or all men.
All of us are very unique in our own individual way.
So, please be careful in applying any blanket judgements on what might be the cause of why people behave the way they do.
Nevertheless, it is a fact that many men struggle with understanding the root cause of why women say or do things.
Men struggle with why their girlfriends will invariably flip or flop on various issue of minor or major importance.
One reason for this is that men and women largely adopt different styles and solutions to situations.
Guys tend to bore straight ahead.
If a “guy” was an oil rig, searching for petroleum, the rig would be a vertical rig.
We tend to plow straight on down in search of the resource, pushing rocks and sediments to the side, as we close in on the prize.
Whereas if the oil rig was female, it would be a horizontal rig, capable of drilling vertically, then shifting on a horizontal axis exploring the reservoir using other drilling tactics.
Our confusion with fully understanding the opposite sex stems from the reality that men and women are designed for different purposes and operate in a different way.
Are we from Mars…. and women from Venus?
It is like this…
The bible got it all wrong. Man was taken from a woman’s rib.
She is the more advanced species!
Why is My Ex-Girlfriend So Mysterious
Do you ever feel like your romance or “the break up” is taken from the annuals of a great spy caper?
Well, some women want you to feel that way.
Where there is mystery, there is imagination.
The sexiest of women are those that reveal less.
Less is more.
The woman who walks around in tight and revealing clothing is an open book.
A guy knows what she is thinking.
She is broadcasting to the world, “look at me. I am sexy and available”.
What is the challenge in that?
The mysterious woman understands how guys think.
They know what we want, right then and there.
Women have us pegged. They know we want sex…sex…and more sex.
Now, I am not saying that men are obsessed with the desire to have sex every waking moment of their lives.
But, guys sure in heck think about sex and fantasize about sex more often than women.
Women understand this and they use it to their advantage.
This biological attraction men have for women in general, but particularly a woman’s form, is hard-wired into their brains.
Your ex-girlfriend knows this well.
Whatever the current situation is with the two of you, be assured that she will play on this natural desire you have for her.
It is to her advantage to keep you on her string.
So expect your ex to sometimes play the “mystery woman” role to further advance her cause.
She will see to it you will not get full access to her, until it is right for her.
You may just get glimpses and teases.
The approach she is employing is much more than a mating ritual.
It is part of a longer term strategy.
Your girlfriend or ex girlfriend may want you to live in an induced haze.
She does not want you to fully understand her.
It is very possible she may not completely understand herself. Sometimes, even the mystery woman is unsure about what she really wants.
Women tend to take longer to get in touch with their feelings.
They need to use a variety of methods to better process the information.
And logic is not always the prime factor in their decision making.
How they may feel about something on an emotional level, can be a difference maker.
Mystery serves your lady.
Without mystery, she is exposed and she may not be ready for that.
So when you are confused about her behavior and cannot make head or tales about what she did or why she did it, it can mean two things.
First, it could mean she wants you to be mystified.
There is personal power in maintaining the upper hand in whatever the situation may be.
It empowers your ex girlfriend.
It allows her to keep her options open.
It could be…. and this is often the case…. your ex-girlfriend really does not know quite what she wants.
So she will play the mystery woman in order to allow herself time to draw closer to what she may later think she wants.
Meanwhile, you are left scratching your head, trying to figure out what it is all about.
Now, I am not saying your ex-girlfriend is stalling.
Not at all.
She is doing what is prudent.
She is buying time to figure out what your next move might be. She is also evaluating what she may wish to do.
Think of it as a relationship chess match.
The moves made at the beginning of the game, sometimes are done to disguise what the plan is for later in the match.
Also, don’t forget how mystery serves your ex-girlfriend’s desire to create attraction.
By and large, men want what they think they can’t get. Or they desire something that is difficult to attain.
Guys are attracted to challenges.
Your ex-girlfriend probably knows this, so she will make use of the “mystery woman card” to advance her pursuit of you.
So are you ready to play?
When she plays hard to get or gives you confusing and mysterious signals, she is often actively in pursuit of you.
Many guys just don’t make that connection.
Remember, men usually drill from “A” to “B” as fast as they can get there.
Women drill the whole alphabet. at all different speeds and angles.
There is treasure to be found when your ex-girlfriend is presenting herself in a mysterious fashion.
Most likely, she wants you to think of her as an enigma.
It takes effort and planning for your ex girlfriend to send out the signals of mystery.
So take this development to be a positive thing for you to later capitalize upon.
She very likely wants you to be curious because she is still connected to you.
Of course, your mysterious ex-girlfriend has many “faces”.
It is possible she is using her mystery card to rub it in.
She may still be very mad at you and is purposely playing coy and clever to keep you off track. She may be toying with you.
There could still be some anger and resentment seething underneath.
But the way I see it, this is still a component of attraction, whether she realizes it or not.
Just going to the trouble to toy with you, as a means of “punishment”, helps her work though some of these less attractive emotions.
Her mysterious “evil” nature, when it is aimed at “you”, is actually a reflection that she is still attracted to you at some level.
Otherwise, she wouldn’t bother investing time to be your mystery woman.
Just know that the mystery girl persona is a powerful “arrow in the quiver” for your ex-girlfriend.
She will use this skill often and in various ways, some subtle, others more advanced.
Most guys are putty in the hands of a skilled mystery woman.
Why is my Ex-Girlfriend So Unpredictable?
The unpredictable behavior of your ex-girlfriend may mean many things.
Remember, there is no one universal right answer to each behavior exhibited by your ex gf.
If she says or does something unpredictable, it could mean she is signaling her interest in you.
It could mean your girlfriend is exploring whether she wish to resume the relationship.
It could mean she wants nothing to do with you.
It could mean she is unsure what she wants, so you will get a steady dose of conflicting signals.
Sometimes, her unpredictable behavior stems from a confused state of mind.
She may still be recovering from the myriad of emotions associated with the break up and therefor she is acting out all kinds of thoughts and emotions.
The period following a breakup can be chaotic for both parties.
So don’t be surprised if your ex-girlfriend is struggling with finding herself. She may be shifting rapidly through a host of mental states.
Generally, if your former girlfriend or current girlfriend is demonstrating unpredictable tendencies, it very possible she is calling upon what I call the “Feminine Mystique”.
By being unpredictable with her behaviors or her conversation, she may be consciously or subconsciously trying to arouse sexual tension.
Don’t ever underestimate the thrill of the chase.
Women like laying down seeds of uncertainty and unpredictability in order to sow a little bit of chaos.
You should not rule out that her aim is to attract you.
Most women understand well the concept that “less is more”.
If you cannot fully grasp exactly what she is thinking and if you are left guessing what she is up to, it ratchets up the sexual tension.
When your ex-girlfriend clearly signals what she really wants from you, then the game is over.
She might as well “fold her tent” and steal away, because she knows you will be on to her.
Now, there is no wrong in this approach. I wish men and women could shoot straight and be open and honest with each other all of the time.
But all of us are creatures filled with insecurities and vulnerabilities, so we evoke “smoke and mirrors” at times during our interactions.
There is a personal power in keeping your lover off balance.
Your ex-girlfriend is likely an expert in exerting her influence, thereby keeping you at bay if it serves her or pulling you in when she feels so inclined.
Your unpredictable girlfriend most likely understands you much better than you understand her.
She has had years to practice and hone her skills.
Now, just because she may have a leg up on you when it comes to the little mind control games, does not mean she can’t miscalculate.
Sometimes, putting out too much chaos and conflicting signals can work against an individual.
This is where things can spin out of control if your ex girlfriend’s emotions get the best of her.
When that happens, even she loses control of what she really wants or is unable to contain her behavior, thereby losing her advantage.
But more often than not, you are putty in her hands.
The ex girlfriend usually can play the “long game” better than you because she is crafty.
It is fun for her and often she is rewarded.
She knows that men tend to suffer from the “bull in the china shop” syndrome.
Sometimes, guys just can’t help themselves and go straight in with a solution.
Your lovely lady is much more sublime and will carefully orchestrate her moves.
Using another metaphor, if a guy is boxer when it comes to dealing with his ex-girlfriend; then his Ex is an UFC fighter possessing multiple martial arts skills, including boxing, wrestling, muay thai, jiu jitsu and judo.
To compete, a lot of guys have to wise up.
I can help you with that!
The Language of Your Ex Girlfriend (Double Speak)
The women of your world speak many languages.
And if you and your ex-girlfriend are slowly circling each other (so to speak) in the game of recovering from the break up, be assured that she will use every language in the book.
So what are these languages I refer to?
Well, we have a lot of them.
There is the primary language that you and her normally speak.
That could be English, Spanish, or whatever is your primary language.
But there are other languages that your ex girlfriend speaks fluently.
Take example the language of love.
When your girlfriend is feeling close to you, she demonstrates her affections through tender touches and soft and heartfelt expressions of love.
She speaks with her body, with her eyes, and with her hormones.
The very chemistry of her brain is telling you “kiss me, hold me, and make me feel safe”.
Her language of love casts a spell on you. There is a mystery to how it all works, but when she is speaking this language with you….all you care about is “her”.
Your ex can also speak the language of anger.
I am sure you have seen this before and it is not a pretty sight to behold.
When your ex girlfriend “goes angry” it is as if she is speaking tongues.
What was once this soft and purring love machine, has grown fangs and claws and there is no mistaking her rage.
Depending on how far along you are after the break up, your former girlfriend’s language of anger may still be bubbling under the surface.
Think hot molten lava!
She does not have to use obscenities or gestures to convey to you how upset she may be.
Just know that there is no reasoning with your ex girlfriend when her emotions run wild.
When she speaks this language, my advice is wait for her to go mute!
When your girlfriends speaks to you in the language of sadness, you will usually hear very little from her.
Your ex girlfriend is likely withdrawing within her cone of silence.
Whatever you do, avoid trying to cheer her up.
It is perfectly natural and healthy (for the short-term) for your ex to feel sad.
It is not something that should be contained. It needs to be released.
The language of sadness is revealed in tears and expressions of futility and despondency.
Sadness and the silent treatment are cousins when we are seeking to understand the languages of women.
The silent treatment has equal measures of anger and sadness.
Then there is the language of jealousy.
It is likely your ex-girlfriend is extremely fluent in this language.
She can use and parse her words very carefully in such a way that she can summon up images in your mind.
A suggestive comment here or there, can set you off wondering if she has designs on someone else.
Or she can ever so casually flirt with another guy to create this unspoken silent language, which in turn causes you to feel the pangs of jealousy.
Your lovely girlfriend may also be an expert at enlisting co-conspirators to advance her agenda of jealousy.
One of her friends can be recruited to utilize the “name drop technique” or make a casual remark about somebody or something.
The end result is your head goes spinning into a world of jealousy.
Then we have this strange language phenomenon that I like to call “double speak”.
It is not that your ex-girlfriend says something twice.
It is that what she says, could mean two different things or possibly the opposite of what she states.
What we have going on here is a bit of a “passive aggressive” tactic coupled with “contrarian logic”.
We are talking very high level stuff here, so pay attention!
When somebody is passive aggressive, they are avoiding direct conflict.
Your ex-girlfriend may pout or she could choose to use delaying tactics. She could hide things from you or do something “accidently on purpose” to advance her cause.
Contrarian logic is when your ex-girlfriend zigs, when everybody else zags.
Essentially what is happening is your ex girlfriend is doing the opposite of what you would expect. One could also characterize this behavior as somewhat defiant or obstructive.
What I contend is if you put these two things together, you end up with “double speak”.
For example, you make a suggestion and it is something she really does not want to do, but she says “yes”, but “inside”, she really means “no”.
Confusing, right? Well, it gets worse!
Now, since you are a guy and are not very conversant in this language we call “double speak”, you believe her when she says “yes”.
But later, she tells you what she really meant is “No” and declares you should have known that is what she really wanted. Then she accuses you of not “getting it” and tells you you need to get better at reading her signals.
You are left thinking, “what signals – what is she talking about – didn’t she say “Yes”?”
That is double speak.
It is where “Yes”, can mean “No”.
Double Speak is when your ex girlfriend says she “hates you”, but she really is just very upset and annoyed with you and actually “loves you”.
So as you can see, to successfully win back your ex girlfriend, you need to be conversant in a lot of languages, including “Double Speak”!
The sooner you realize that women speak many languages, the faster you will realize the errors of your ways!
Trust me on this.
Now to be fair, I should point out that you really have to be female to fully grasp all of these languages.
So don’t feel bad if you can’t quite figure out what is going on in your ex-girlfriend’s mind and why what she “says” is not always what she “means”.
Oh, by the way, do you remember that guy we were talking about at the beginning of this post?
You remember, right?
It’s the one whose girlfriend just upped and walked out.
Well, it turned out that the reason she walked was not because she didn’t love him or was “finished with him”.
She was “acting out” what I would call a “double speak panic attack”.
She really did not want to leave. Yes, she had to leave that moment in order to escape the environment that she believed caused her panicky state of mind.
But she really did not want to break up with her long term boyfriend.
What happened is that she had experienced a panic attack earlier, which was triggered by the discussion they had the night before.
Do your remember me telling you that my client and his girlfriend had made love the night before their break up and stayed up late talking about long term plans?
Well, later when she started processing all of that, she just went a little bananas.
Fear can set in and affect our better judgment.
But logic and common sense always wins out over time.
They were back together again in 48 hours.