By Chris Seiter

Updated on July 9th, 2022

Change never comes easy. It’s one of those things we try to convince ourselves can happen overnight, but know in the back of our heads will take work.

But let’s say things have gone terribly wrong in your relationship with your ex girlfriend.  And it hasn’t just happened once, but multiple times.  You both have been to the brink of ending it once and for all, but somehow, even after a break up, you both manage to make friendly and mend the fence.

But if this has been going on over and over, chances are something needs to change.  Perhaps you have some bad habits that are showing up in your relationship. Perhaps you you don’t think these habits of yours are a problem, but if they contributed to the break up, it’s time to change.

Particularly if your ex girlfriend is demanding it.

Maybe, you are not even aware you are doing anything wrong.  And I am sure there are a few things you would like to see changed in her.  But let’s say that in this case, she is demanding you make these changes or she will never return to you again.

You could be in the position where she actually told you that there’s no chance of you two being together unless you change.  Or you might already know why things weren’t working out and that you need to make some changes to get things back on track.

Or maybe things just fizzled out and you have a feeling in your gut that you need to make some changes to to get her back.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back?

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So What Are The 5 Top Changes Women Want Their Men To Make

top changes she wants

Yeah, yeah,  I know what you’re thinking. “Why do I need to change for my ex girlfriend?”

What is wrong with me the way I am?  Or maybe you are in an angry and resistant mood and declare, “I am not changing anything for her. She is the one that needs to change!”

Nobody likes to hear it, but sometimes relationships can be work.  We can get lazy.  Worst, we can get stubborn. There is not much room in a relationship for stubbornness.

I’m sure for some people, changing their ways is easy, but for most of us, it’s going to take work to identify what isn’t working in the relationship and how to change it for good.

Let me give you a glimpse at what the top 5 things women usually want from their men.

1. Your ex girlfriend wants you to show her more interest and attention.  And when she didn’t get it, she checked out of the relationship.

2. She complains that you won’t make a commitment.  She wants to talk about making the relationship completely exclusive and you won’t talk to her or budge on your independence.

3. Your ex girlfriend can’t trust you around other women.  She is afraid you are going to leave her for some other girl. She wants you to reassure her that the two of your are an exclusive couple and she has nothing to worry about in the cheating department.

4. She doesn’t like it when you ignore her calls or text messages.  Your girlfriend expects you to respond to her in a timely manner, just like she does when you reach out to her.

5. Your ex girlfriend is afraid you don’t love her.  This may have led to the break up.  She wants you to say it and demonstrate your affection more frequently and assure her that you care for her deeply.

In any of these examples, if you want her back,  you’re likely are going to need to make some changes.

All of the issues described above are important to women in general and if you are in the midst of a break up and if any of these areas are lacking, you best identify which ones are particularly important to your ex girlfriend and work at convincing her that you understand her concern and will work diligently to be a better partner.

So How Do You Show Your Ex That You’ve Changed?

a thoughtful guy

Again, it’s going to take some effort, but don’t let that get you down. Half of the battle is convincing her that you understand the problem and will work to fix it.  There are definitely ways you can get there, but in addition to effort it’s going to take time and the willingness to change.

Your ex girlfriend is not going to be convinced by just casual talk or empty promises.  She will want to see evidence that you understand the importance of what it is that she holds dear, but you are falling short.

So you can’t half ass this!  Just get that out of your head right now!

If she’s worth it and you know that she needs you to change for things to work out, then at the end of the day you might just have to accommodate her.

Now before you go and reinvent yourself or make drastic changes to your lifestyle, you have to ask the question:

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Are the kind of changes she’s asking for the types of changes that will make me a better person and a better partner to my girlfriend?

If the answer is yes then you know what you have to do.

If the answer isn’t a clear yes, then that’s where it’s up to you to determine if it’s something you’re willing to sacrifice for the relationship.

A 7 Point Plan To Convince Your Girlfriend You Can Change For the Good of the Relationship

convince her

So let me give you a 7 Point Plan that will help you show your girlfriend you sincerely wish to change.

  1. Announce to her you want to talk constructively about the area where change needs to occur.
  2. Tell your girlfriend (or ex) you want to meet her at a special location to reinforce the importance of the discussion.  It is useful to change the environment around which the meeting takes place so as not to draw upon any of the negative energy that might exist at where you usually hash things out.
  3. Come with a written pledge that you are fully committed to. Demonstrate that you are eager to discuss it with her.  Hand her the written pledge as a gesture to reinforce your sincerity.
  4. Describe the problem as she has stated it and then go silent after asking her if you have fairly summarized the issue.  Encourage her to tell you more about what she feels about this matter.
  5. Utilize empathy. Listen to her.  Repeat what she has said, then ask clarifying questions to demonstrate you are truly engaged in seeing her side of whatever is getting in the way of this relationship being successful
  6. Tell your girlfriend what it is you are going to be doing differently and ask her if that meets her needs.
  7. Come up with a follow-up date for the two of you to meet to discuss progress.

Your Ex Girlfriend Wants To See You Are Committed To Change

Wow, we’re really not making this easy for you here are we?  So you want your ex to come back right. Well, like I talk about in the video above, sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t.  But it starts with making some positive changes.

It takes a lot of work and you have to give of yourself if you want to set things straight.

Things like effort and sacrifice really don’t sound as exciting as some magic bullet that’s going to solve your relationship woes and get your girl back right away. But that’s the whole point – you are not taking the easy route where you make half baked promises to do better.

Change is hard, but it is always worth it, if it gets you to a place where you a leading a happier, more fulfilled life.

If you are able to change and ensure your actions showcase the changes you’ve made, you may be able to get to a place where the pain of the past can be forgotten between you and your ex girlfriend.

Pleasing Your Ex Girlfriend Is Part of the Road To Break Up Recovery

So now that we’ve touched on some of the things you’ll need to keep in mind, let’s get into what you’ll be facing on the road to change.

So let’s say she’s explicitly told you that you need to change and what needs to change.

First, let’s breathe a collective sigh of relief, because this is probably the most straightforward scenario you could be dealing with. Things aren’t usually this clear cut so consider yourself lucky!

She’s outlined for you the things that have made the relationship unworkable for her, and has showed that she’s still interested enough to give you the chance to fix it. So what do you do next?

Well like we pointed out earlier, it’s going to first take a decision on your part whether these changes are ones that you’re willing to make, and if you think that making those changes will actually make the relationship better.

But consider this.  If she broke up with you over this area she wants you to change, then it must be really important to her.  So be careful about over analyzing what things you should do different.  Remember, in all successful relationships, both partners have to compromise.

What If My Ex Girlfriend Is Making Unreasonable Demands of Me?

No guy needs to be held hostage by an ex girlfriend who’s asking for unrealistic things just to have her way.

Sometimes an ex girlfriend can be so angry and resentful towards you that she will make unreasonable demands, knowing that you will say No. Such requests can come off as her effort to sabotage the relationship.  It could be that your ex has temporarily lost her good reason and is acting from a destructive place in her mind.

So if that’s the case, then you should probably reconsider even giving things another go.  If you have to sacrifice something that is really important to you because your ex girlfriend is insisting up on it, then you can either refuse to do it or go back and discuss with her again why this is a difficult ask.

But if she’s actually asking for reasonable changes that you know can make a difference in the relationship between the two of you, then by all means go for it!

Making the decision to change is the first part of winning her back.  But then you need to stick with it. If she says she needs you to make more of an effort to get along with her family or friends, then take steps to show her you’re working on it.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Now sometimes in the case of your girlfriend’s family and certain friends, it can seem like a near impossible feat to get along with them.  But if your ex girlfriend is reasonable, what she is really looking for is for you to make a good faith effort.

These things likely won’t happen overnight, but as you work on it just remember that if you’re becoming the person she needs you to be, then she’s going to notice and it’ll all be worth it.

So we covered the more straightforward scenario, and now we’re on to the next challenge…

What If  Your Ex Girlfriend Won’t Tell You What Is Wrong?

If she hasn’t told you exactly what needs to be fixed, yet something is clearly wrong,  it is up to you to get her to open up and talk about it.  It may be an uncomfortable topic for her to bring up.  She may be afraid to ask you to change something in the relationship.  But if you are both close, you will usually know when something needs to change.

Whatever triggered the break up might not be the most obvious thing and that’s where some introspection can really help shed some light on the situation.

You might be able to get the help of friends who were around the situation to get their perspectives into what went wrong and that can be a huge help. Or you might need to just do a little soul searching and dig through the memory banks to see if there were any hints that you might have missed the first time around.

If you remember certain things in the relationship that tended to be pain points and create friction on a regular basis, then you can bet those are the things you need to work on.

Some of those things won’t be super obvious, and that can make your job a little more difficult.

Sometimes examples can be the best way to really get a grasp of something, so let’s use a quick one to help break this down.

An Example Of When Your Ex Girlfriend Won’t Tell You What Is Bothering Her

bothered by what you did

Let’s say that Bob and his ex Julie always seemed to butt heads whenever it came time to decide what they were going to do. It could be a Friday afternoon and she’d be texting ideas about what to do that night, but whatever Bob suggested usually ended up being what the plans were.

Eventually, Bob noticed a change in Julie, and she started to text less often and fade out of the picture before things eventually dropped off.

What went wrong?

So this is just an example, but in these cases you need to try to understand what might have been an issue, even if it was never explicitly stated by her, is her perceived lack of having input.

Some people react to things differently and if the dynamic wasn’t what she hoped for or wanted she might just casually check out instead of confronting you about it.

So in the case of our friend Bob in this example, he probably came across to Julie like the type of guy who wasn’t really concerned with her opinions or what she wanted to do.

Maybe she wanted to be in a situation where the guy she’s dating could compromise and take turns between plans they each wanted to do.

It can be tough for you to show your ex that you are willing to become more inclusive and will consider her needs unless your actually start doing that on a regular basis.

Step 1: Realize What you may have done wrong in the first place.

Step 2: Apologize and tell her exactly what you think you are doing wrong and how you are going to correct it going forward.

Step 3: Exercise patience for trust to be regained and ask for feedback from your girlfriend

If you can do that, with some time and patience, you might be able to demonstrate to your ex that you’ve learned from your mistakes and have changed for the best.

Which then leads us to the next question…

3 Ways To Convince Your Ex Girlfriend That You Learned Your Lesson?

learning your lesson

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back?

Take the quiz

What if she doesn’t believe that you’ve changed when you tell her?

This can definitely happen sometimes.

In fact, it probably happens in most cases.

Your ex girlfriend might have a hard time believing that you’ve changed because she probably knows what we’ve already mentioned – change doesn’t come easy.

A lot of guys think that they can just phone it in, and try to pull the wool over their partner’s eyes to convince them they’ve changed when they really were just acting the part.  She will know this and will be looking for the first signs that you are pulling back.

It can be even more frustrating if you’ve actually taken the time to work on yourself and made those changes that you think or know will make her come around again.

If you’ve made it this far though and have actually done the work, then convincing her should be the easy part.

Why?  Because you are going to do 3 things to reinforce you are a changed man

  1. Actually do what you told her you would do

  2. Each time you behave in a different way in order to please her, you are going to point it out to your girlfriend

  3. Then you are going to exclaim how foolish you were not to have done things this way before

How Do You Get Your Ex Girlfriend To Believe and Trust That You Are a New Man

Building trust is one of those things that takes time, and if you’ve really made an effort and have had the patience to get to this point then you can probably be patient a little longer.

If you try to force things, nine times out of ten you’ll just trip at the finish line. Nobody likes to feel like they’re being sold anything, but if you actually take the time to show her that you’re the person she needs you to be, then things likely will go in the right direction.

Every situation is different, and like we touched on earlier – there’s no silver bullet to any of this.

So it’s important to remember that the most important part of showing her that you’ve changed is to understand what got things off track to begin with, and to keep reminding her that you’ve learned from it.

She will take to heart those times when you are the strong and humble man she wants you to be, not the stubborn, egotistical guy she thought you to be.

Even if she doesn’t believe you at first, it’s up to you not to get frustrated or quit on the whole process because that will prove her intuitions right and your chances of ever getting her back will probably be gone.

Just remember that patience and effort are the keys to this and if you can regularly show her that you’re willing to put in the time and energy, then she’ll be willing to do the same.

So Can Making Certain Changes Really Help You Get Your Ex Back?

Like I said earlier, change never comes easy. You’ll never be able to make it happen overnight, so the sooner you prepare to buckle in and patiently work on it the better off you’ll be in the end.

Remind yourself that the way you show her you’ve changed is to actually be the change that she wanted from you in the first place.

If she wanted you to be a more caring person, don’t go around scheming of specific scenarios that will artificially try to prove to her that you care. Nobody likes a disingenuous person, so that might be the kiss of death if she catches on to you – which she’s bound to if you’re faking it.

Being that caring person that you know she wanted you to be will go miles for you in the long run. So just try to put that into practice in small ways every day and it will eventually become part of who you are.

The fact that you’re willing to put in effort when there are so many people out there who expect things to fall on their laps is an automatic differentiator for you.  So just make sure that you stick with it and remind her of what she liked about you in the first place.

Whether she explicitly told you that there’s no chance of you two being together unless you change, or you just know deep down that you need to change to have any chance with her, it’s going to be a process that makes you a better person and will make you a better partner for whoever you end up with – whether it’s her or some other lucky girl in the future.

You might need to tell her you’ve changed, or you might be fortunate enough to be in the position where she can see it firsthand for herself day to day, but in either case the most important way to show her you’ve changed is to genuinely make it happen.

You might be able to fool her for a while, but if you really made a genuine effort to overcome your errant ways, then your chances of things working out are way better than if you’re just pretending or going through the motions.

(Note: This post was written by Relationship Expert Chris Seiter and includes some original content from Ashley Simmons.)	

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