So, you did it.
You dumped her.
You took a look at the situation, decided you were done, and then walked away.
And now you’ve had time to think about it… you regret your decision.
You want her back.
But the question is, how do you get her back?
There’s so many questions.
Will she give you another chance?
Has she started dating again?
Will she even talk to you?
So instead of the regret, lets look at the decision before you. You have made the decision that you want your Ex back.
Before We Begin I Have A Few Questions For You
You need to make sure this is what you really want, because I’m not going to lie, it’s a process. You need to make sure you want your Ex back because you want a relationship, not simply because you’ve started waking up alone in bed and you’ve come to find this sucks.
Anyone can fill that void.
However, my questions for you are
- Why do you want her back?
- Are you willing to do what it takes?
While this may sound like the beginning of a cheesy movie where the hero goes on a long journey and becomes transformed as a result for the betterment of those around him, I’m not going to lie – getting your Ex back is sort of a quest.
You need to take a look at what ended the relationship to begin with, so that you don’t make those same mistakes while working towards getting back with your Ex. You also need to make sure that getting your Ex back will be the best thing you can do for yourself.
If your Ex is an unstable, toxic person that only ever caused you drama and pain, you may want to rethink your decision.
So now that you’ve made sure and you’ve made the decision to do what it takes, let’s talk about emotions. Which in this case means mostly her emotions. Understanding them now, will help you further down the road.
No matter how things ended with the relationship, it’s important you let your Ex calm down, by doing a little thing I like to call, “No Contact.”
I talk a lot about the No Contact Phase. It’s just that important.
Because you see, it doesn’t matter what caused the breakup. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is.
When the No Contact Phase begins, it only matters that there is pain, and people need space to process that pain.
Guys need it, but girls don’t handle No Contact the same way guys do.
You know why?
Because women process their emotions differently than guys do. It’s important you let her calm down. If you have decided you made a mistake, and you want her back, you’re going to have to let her cool off, because you have opened yourself up to get hit with every emotion in the book.
Think I’m wrong?
She doesn’t even have to be your wife.
This is women in general.
They feel emotion on a broader spectrum than most men ever will.
So you need to be prepared for the amounts of emotion that you have unleashed with this break up, your indecisiveness and now wanting her back.
Dealing With The Emotion Storm
So how do you deal with the dreaded emotion storm?
First you examine it, and understand it.
In her eyes, you breaking up with her is not just about rejection. Like I said, women feel things on levels you may not be prepared to understand.
It doesn’t matter how confident the woman is, it doesn’t matter if she in secure or insecure, the very act of you dumping her means that in some way, you saw her as “not good enough.”
You see guys, from the moment of the breakup, she has done a lot of self-reflection.
She’s analyzed things down to the most miniscule detail.
Now, some women, take that self-reflection and analyzation and they say,
“Whatever, his loss.”
They make the appropriate “notes to self,” on what to avoid the next time, aspects of the relationship that they would like to have in the next relationship, and they move on.
Others go a bit nutty.
They analyze and get obsessive.
You need to understand that this behavior is due a perceived lack of closure in her point of view. Meaning you did not end things well. She’s still not clear on why things end. Women need to know answers to why. They take notes on why, and they make sure not to do those things again.
So now that you understand one level of emotions that you are dealing with, and trust me there are so many more, you need to do No Contact.
I say this a lot, but No Contact gives a chance for each person to process the breakup in different ways.
You will need to get your life in order.
After all, you want to get her back. She’s going to need more than just,
“Hey babe, I think I made a mistake, and I want you back.”
So you’re in No Contact. What do you spend your time doing?
What To Do During No Contact
Truth be told, This is a great time to talk about knowing what you want.
If you truly want the girl back, and want to build a relationship with her, know that it’s going to be a hard road. SHE WILL NEVER FORGET.
If you’re thinking you want her back because she’s a convenient body at the time, you don’t want to be alone, and she’s available, well, you need to be single for a while. You need to work on yourself, because at this moment, you are not a good person.
Get your butt to the gym.
Quit some habits that your know aren’t good for you. If you spent a majority of your relationship complaining about your job/career, set yourself up to make the necessary changes you need to find happiness in your professional life.
Find out what you want.
You are laying the groundwork during this time to get your ex back. You are also laying the foundation for the new relationship you are going to have with your Ex. You might be asking,
“What do you mean, new relationship? Why can’t things just go back to the way they were?”
How they were didn’t work out did it?
This is why laying out a plan is so important.
- Start or finish school.
- Find some hobbies.
- Take care of your finances.
- Get in shape.
- Make a plan, focus on it, and stick with it.
This shows not just the Ex, but also yourself that you are capable of handling adult situations in an adult manner. It’s shows that you are a mature person capable of handling your business. It also shows that you are in control of your emotions.
You are cool, calm, and collected.
Which as we know will lay groundwork for the next phase:
Texting And Phone Calls
Guys have more control over this than they think.
You just have to consider the following:
Women have been taught over centuries to wait for the “object of their affections” to contact them first. It has literally been drummed into them over the course of history. I am by no means saying this the correct thing for society to have done, but this puts you in a very good position.
Because no matter where their emotions are, no matter how they respond to you, no matter if she hates you – on some level, she expects you to contact her first.
And if she’s texting you first, she expects you to respond. More on that here.
It’s the same way with phone calls. She’s not going to want to call you first unless she’s just extremely confident in herself. It’s at that point you need to make your final decision. Is this going to work with her, or have you changed so much you don’t see yourself with her anymore?
This happens a lot. Especially on my other site Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
You see, you’ve not only given your Ex the space they need, but you’ve given yourself the space you need to grow. If you can’t see yourself with your Ex at this point, there’s no shame in all the work you’ve put in.
But if you’re still dead set on getting her back, make the first move and contact her.
So let’s talk about what not to do when you make the first contact.
Don’t bring up the past relationship.
If you are texting or calling your Ex, the key is to keep it positive. Don’t talk about what you did wrong, or what she did wrong, who’s fault you think it is, etc. The past is gone. You’re working on a new future.
You want that old pain to be buried.
If she brings it up, you can either let her talk it out and be a sympathetic ear, or you can steer the conversation to something more positive, by saying something like,
“I realize you still have questions, but let’s not revisit that now.”
You can talk about it later when things are more calm, and when you think she feels that she can trust you again.
Don’t talk about other women you’ve seen.
Let me tell you why this is important.
A woman does not want to hear about the other women you’ve dated after her, unless it’s something so bad it’s funny. Even then, when she hears your experience she is mentally comparing herself to your description of the other women.
Because she wants to know what those women had that she didn’t. Even if the experience was bad, don’t give her the opportunity to question your motives for trying to date her again.
The safest bet is to just not bring it up. Don’t ask her, that way she won’t be tempted to ask you.
Don’t stop improving yourself and working towards your goals. So many people, both men and women, do this and it’s usually one of the factors that heads couples that have reconciled back to a breakup.
While it’s great that you contact her and get a positive response, or you get back together, or you may even sleep with her, stopping your self improvement shows her that nothing has changed. If you stop working on your finances, you start letting your looks slide, or you fall back into habits that aren’t necessarily attractive, all these instances goes to bolster her internal argument with herself.
You know the one where she thinks she’s not good enough?
Yeah. See your ex girlfriend has observed you making all these positive changes while you’re apart. Now you’re working towards getting back together and you get comfortable. You start sliding.
She however sees that she’s the reason you can keep working towards those positive changes. And most of the time, she would like to reap the benefit of those positive changes as much as you would.
Don’t ask for a friends with benefits situation. You either want a relationship with her or you don’t. Don’t insult her time and energy or yours by asking for a friends with benefits arrangement.
Get your plan together and work towards it.
Don’t Be A Text GNAT
This one is extremely important.
You have to have your life in order and your confidence be top notch. If you start texting her repeatedly in a short amount of time, or if you send great big chunks of text by telling her about your day, but not asking anything about her, she’s going to wonder why your contacting her.
And why are you so desperate talk all of a sudden.
This puts you at a disadvantage because while you do want to show her you are interested in her, you never want to look desperate.
Having her think you’re desperate is not an upper hand.
So with all this in mind, are you sure you want your ex back?
Again, let me stress to you that you need to make up your mind.
Getting a girl’s hopes up and then crushing them is one the top complaints I hear in my other group Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
So get your act together and work on yourself.