When I was younger, I went for a run with my parent’s dog.
Usually, I ran with headphones in, but that day it was simply the sound of my feet pushing through the grass that set the pace for me. We hadn’t made it very far when suddenly I heard a SNAP!
It wasn’t something I heard outside of myself. It was as if the sound came from inside and resonated in my ears. It took me a minute to realize that the searing pain was coming from my ankle. It was so intense that I passed out.
I came to and eventually managed to hobble back to their house. (Not an easy feat while also trying to manage a full-sized Labrador too.) I was certain that my ankle was broken. It swelled up to the size of a cantaloupe.
And what else would have made such a loud noise?
After several hours in a waiting room and several x-rays, the doctor explained that a ligament had been partially severed. The snap I heard was it tearing.
Because it was only partially severed, I had two choices.I could wear a boot for a few months and the part of the ligament that was broken would eventually heal. But, because of
I could wear a boot for a few months and the part of the ligament that was broken would eventually heal. But, because of the space between the severed and not-severed ligament, it would never be completely healed.
Or I could let the doctor go in and sever the rest of the ligament and let the entire thing heal back at once, leaving no space between the two parts.
Having half of the tendon break on its own was excruciating. So, I opted to just let it heal partially. To this day, my ankle hurts when it rains and I roll it more than most people.
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I think breakups are a lot like this, where we sever part of them and expect them to heal back the same as it was before just without the romantic aspect, instead of severing the entire relationship and letting it grow back naturally. I wasn’t exactly overjoyed at the thought of going through that kind of pain again when I tore my ligament, especially when it was so fresh in my mind. Although, looking back after years and years of having trouble with my ankle, severing the entire tendon and allowing it to heal completely would have been the better choice.
Breakups can be a lot like this for some people.
We hold onto whatever connection we can and expect it to be just the same as before.
We all have expectations for our lives. When those parts of our lives include other people, they become much less predictable. those other people are a variable that we have no control over. And most of the time they don’t “stick to the script,” so to speak.
I know the title of this post is “Why Your Ex is Being So Cold to You,” but there are literally unlimited amounts of reasons that reflect on the relationship the two of you had. If I went through all of them, you would need a subscription.
But it’s a break-up. So I ask the obvious question…
“What did you expect?”
Did you expect her to still want to see you every day or text constantly like we do when we are in relationships? We all have expectations of how things should play out. However, when parts of our lives rely heavily upon how other people respond or react, we don’t have much control over it. Do we?
In fact, the only thing we do have control over is how we react to a situation. But, we’ll get into that in a bit.
Let’s Talk About the Why
There are plenty of reasons out there, but they can all be boiled down to a few simple ones.
Ay of reasons out there, but they can all be boiled down to a few simple ones.
It’s too hard to be around you.
Let’s face it. Everyone deals with breakups differently, but, when you see a future with someone and things end, it can be really hard to interact with that person for a while. In some instances, any interaction can feel like your heart is being ripped straight out of your chest every single time.
This is the most common reason for pushing an ex away and keeping them at a distance. It is human nature to avoid pain.
You will know this is the case if her cold shoulder leans more towards avoidance rather than a confrontation. She will avoid being in the same places that you are. If she has to be in the same place, then she will avoid actual interaction and even eye contact. It’s more like you’ve been locked out.
She doesn’t feel valued.
I can relate to this one. In a relationship, the two of you should be partners. Feeling appreciated and valued is part of that. If the relationship ended because you took her for granted, then this is probably the case.
When a relationship ends, that partnership is broken. It’s rare to build that kind of partnership. Knowing that that is the reason for the split can be used to your advantage. I’m not saying to suddenly douse her with romance to remedy the situation.
The way that you value her has to change. You can do this by being honest on some levels with her. I say this because pouring your heart out can come off more clingy than romantic. When I say be honest with her, I mean own up to your mistakes in the relationship and simply tell her how much you value the connection you have. Let her know that you respect the decision to be distant even though it isn’t how you want to deal with the situation. Then, to show that you respect her decision, give her the space that she needs.
This not only causes her to rethink her position but it shows personal growth on your part, maturity if you will.
You overwhelmed her with attention.
We’ve all done it, overcompensating with attention after a breakup, despite the advice of pretty much everyone we know. Yes, even I have made this mistake at one time or another.Chris calls it gnatting, and that’s basically what it is. like a bug floating around your peripheral, begging to be swatted at.
You are like a bug floating around in her peripheral, buzzing incessantly, and begging to be swatted at.
You will know this is the case if she reacts to any attempt you have made to reconnect with her with aggression.
I don’t know if you have ever tried to care for a wounded animal, but even the sweetest ones will lash out if you try to touch them when they are in pain. And trust me, even the person who does the breaking up feels the pain of a breakup. You have to be careful and give her time to overcome that pain on her own, no matter how much you want to fix it for her.
Reaching out before they are ready can bring out aggression in anyone, especially if you keep pushing. That’s why you have frostbite right about now.
She doesn’t want to make it easy on you.
If you are one of those couples that break up and get back together over and over again, it is fair that she is tired of letting you walk in and out of her life like you have your very own revolving door.
When you know she loves you and wants to be with you and it feels like she’s just playing hard to get, maybe it’s time to reassess the way you see her.
This goes hand-in-hand with valuing her properly.
Most women do not wish to be treated like something owned. They want to be cherished, valued, and understood.
If you continuously walk away from her when you are angry, she will feel as if she is easy to walk away from.
If you keep coming back she will feel as though you see her as weak for letting you.
If you care for her and want to be with her, take the time apart to make your actions reflect your feelings. Become the best version of yourself and let her see it from afar. Instead of walking in and out of her life, let her return to yours on her own out of curiosity.
I’m sure, with the way you are feeling right now, you can imagine the great lengths that curiosity can drive you to.
Be the best version of yourself and earn that curiosity.
She still sees you as who you were.
I know that what we talk about becoming your best self a lot here at ExRecovery. And with great effort that is totally attainable. But a lot of our visitors here never take it on because they believe the distance between them and their ex will make it impossible for their ex to see that difference. Anytime you try to interact with her, she treats you the same as before, coldly.
Being treated like the person you once were can cause you to act like the person you were then, leaving you feeling like Hagrid.
Control the urge to try to force her hand. It will do no good.
Put yourself in her shoes and keep reading.
Why Does the Ex Recovery Program Succeed?
Have you ever tried to tame an animal that has established that it has no interest in letting you get close to it? It’s not an easy feat.
When I was little, my Uncle had a pet squirrel. Apparently, it got into their house and refused to leave, but it was super wild and wouldn’t let anyone come near it for a long time. It was like he just showed up and went,
“I live here now, deal with it.”
And I am telling you this thing was basically like a tiny four-legged shadow. It went everywhere he did and trusted him implicitly.
I asked him how he tamed it. He simply responded,
“I didn’t! I just ignored it and it tamed itself.”
He didn’t offer it food. Or pester it incessantly. He just let it come to him.
I always thought he was just being silly, but looking back I realize that we often give ourselves to the people who don’t chase after us.
Like that squirrel, the human heart is a wild thing. You cannot possess it by demanding it. It has to be given to you.
I know I sound like some kind of proverb. Blame it on watching “Marco Polo” last week. I’m not even sorry. I feel very wise now.
But think about it. Your ex clearly cared about you at some point and found you attractive. Even if you let your appearance slide or gave her reason to distance herself you know that it IS something that is attainable. So, like my uncle and his squirrel, No Contact is successful when you give her reasons to chase you.
So, what are some things that make people attractive and interesting to others? Because that is the goal here right? We want to peak her interest and make her want to be a part of your life again rather than you having to chase her, possibly away… for good.
So let’s look at the things that will peak her interest and make your transition from No Contact to Re-establishing Contact Successful.
All right. Here goes.
Take Care of Yourself.
One of the least attractive things you can do is not care. I know there’s this whole movement of people now who talk about how not caring will make you successful. But the people who have the luxury of actually not having to care are already successful. But when I say take care of yourself I mean health and appearance. I’m not saying you have to go out and hit the gym 5 times a week and live on broccoli and protein.Find a healthy balance of being comfortable in your own body and taking care of it.
Find a healthy balance of being comfortable in your own body and taking care of it. As a woman, I can verify that the confidence that comes with taking care of yourself is one of the most attractive qualities a man can possess.
Stop Being Boring
No, I’m not suggesting that you go out and become some sort of wild adventurer or something. But, what I am suggesting is that so many people are afraid of not fitting in with everyone else that they lose what makes them who they are. They start to blend in. Do the things that make you happy without the fear of being judged. Not only will she notice, you will be much happier. Embrace what makes you… you.
Change the Way You Interact with People
If you live in the same area as your ex or run in the same circle of friends, it’s likely that you will run into her at some point. If you have a tendency to be a bit introverted, I suggest you make an effort to find what makes you feel confident. I know that my guy friends tend to walk a little taller after the get a haircut or, strangely, when they have on cologne. I don’t know what it is, but know that you don’t stink, or that you look your best tends to change the way you carry yourself. Odds are, over the course of your lifetime you’ve found your own way of making yourself feel good about yourself.
. In order to rewrite the way your ex sees you, you have to carry yourself differently. If you have to interact with her, even briefly, be cordial and polite. Even if she is still giving you the cold shoulder or being rude to you, there is one thing you can say to her that will have her rethinking her approach. Are you ready?
“I am so glad to see that you are doing well.”
The idea is to be positive and genuine. So many guys think that being petty or showing her how sad he is will make her come back. But do you really want her back with you simply because she feels bad? or because she actually wants to be with you?
Which reason do you think will lend to a long lasting relationship? Not pity, I promise you.
Basically… Hit Defrost.
So, your ex is being frigid and frosty toward you. Give her a reason to warm up to you, not by being cold back, but by shifting your focus and being warm to her when you have to interact.
When one of my guy friends asks me to help him get his ex back, the other guys usually tell him to be cold right back. I’m sorry, but the only way that works is if your ex has a HUGE ego.
Studies say that we make judgment calls on whether or not a person is attractive within the within the first second of meeting them. Those same studies say that we decide whether we want to sleep with a person in the first 30 seconds.
So, rest assured, make effort in the following areas of your life during No Contact and your ex will follow her curiosity right back into your arms and you will find your way back into her heart.
- Take care of your appearance and mental state. They will be the first thing she notices a change in. This is what will peak her interest.
- Be more social and positive. The more other people want to be around you, the more she’ll want to too.
- Instead of focusing so much on your ex, make an effort to focus on the things that make you unique. If she decides to let you back into her life, then the fact that you are NOT like everyone else will be her reason for choosing to keep you close rather than getting close to someone else. (pretty savvy eh?)
That’s it! Sounds simple right?
Well, I’d love to know what you find easy and what you find more difficult in the ExRecovery Program.
Go get em tiger.