Changing someone’s opinion of you isn’t easy.
It’s one of the most difficult things you can do.
Note that I said CAN. It is possible.
Let’s pretend you and I were dating for… oh I don’t know… over a year.
You completely love and trust me. But, I mean, I’m terrible at sticking to our plans. I’m always late or find a reason to change them. I don’t always respond when your text. None of your friends like me. And I kind of treat you like you’re not very smart. Oh, and I forget all of our anniversaries and your birthday.
One day, we get into a BIG fight! Let’s say I said some REALLY horrible things during the fight. You find out I did something that was disrespectful or betrayed your trust.
And, ultimately, this brings our relationship to an end.
The emotions you feel could be any combination of the following:
So, let’s say I came back to you in a week…
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Those emotions would probably still be a little raw, right? You aren’t going to hear what I want to say.
How about two?
They’d most likely be a little bit faded but they’d still be there. You’d probably ask for an explanation and they’d come right back thinking about it. Right? You probably still aren’t ready to listen or talk things out.
Maybe a little over a month you might have accepted the situation enough to handle a conversation as long as it didn’t have anything to do with the details of the breakup.
But I’m betting you wouldn’t be quick to jump back into a relationship with me any time soon though. I mean, I broke your trust.
Do you think there is anything I could SAY at any point to erase the way you feel?
I mean it is understandable that you might miss the connection we had, the good times, and most likely the more physical aspects of the relationship. Some guys might even choose to sleep with their ex just to feel some small part of that relationship again.
But do you think that that hurt, anger, or betrayal is just going to go away?
Would that override the fact that you don’t trust me not to hurt you again enough for us to get back together?
I mean, your opinion of me isn’t going to change just because I hand you some pretty words or because we have mind blowing sex.
That isn’t how it works.
You’re still going to see me as the woman who cheated on you and broke your heart no matter what I say.
I’m going to have to show you that I am not the same person and that I would never put you in that position again.
Alright, despite the fact that I enjoyed our brief pretend relationship, it’s time to flip the script here. Before we move on though, I want to sincerely apologize for pretend breaking your heart.
Okay… moving on.
Let’s talk about you and your real ex. Obviously your ex has a certain opinion of you. Now, it may simply be that you were lazy, or irresponsible. It could be that you did something to make her think you didn’t respect her.
Whatever it is, you probably have a good idea of how she feels about you.
Now, like I said before, having a negative opinion about you doesn’t keep them from missing you or missing the good times you spent together. But her having a negative opinion of you could easily keep her from wanting to get back together.
Basic Knowledge You’ll Need For Success
As most of you who have been to the site before or spent time reading our articles, I spend my free time studying psychology like a weirdo. I find it truly fascinating.
So, you can assume that I do the one thing most people these day find to be the most boring thing ever… I read… like a LOT.
In my studies I have come across more interesting information than you could possibly imagine.
One of the studies I found was about our ability to change people’s minds.
And guess what?! I am going to save you the trouble of having to find it for yourself!
Let me introduce you to Kevin Dutton, Ph.D. He is a research psychologist and accomplished writer and public speaker. His main areas of research are persuasion and social influence, and the psychopathic personality.
According to him,
“Persuasion’s like any skill, like any aptitude, it’s on a continuum. It’s just like the 100 metres: Some people are going to be able to run the 100 metres in under 10 seconds, other people aren’t going to be able to do that. But we can all improve our times.”
Confused? I mean, it’s an odd (And very British) analogy.
This is good news. You might not be very good at persuasion now, but after understanding the elements of persuasion and learning how to keep your emotions in check, you have a really good shot at making ExRecovery work for you and getting your ex back. He laid out with a simple acronym…
I know what you’re thinking…
“that’s it? Seems a little… weak”
Okay, so there might be a little more information to it.
Let me lay it out for you.
SIMPLICITY – Keep interactions short, sharp and simple. Our minds are programmed to recognize when there are too many details provided. It comes across as lying or manipulation. When you keep things short, friendly yet sharp and to the point it makes the interaction seem more positive.
PERCEIVED SELF-INTEREST – When we go into trying to make someone do what we want them to do, it is normal to try to make them see it as beneficial to them the way we see it beneficial to us. However, the key to making someone do something they aren’t inclined to do is to show them how is benefits them.
INCONGRUITY – Change your course! Congruency is when things are the same. Congruent triangles are the same on both sides, so, I suppose a congruent life would be were your past is the same as your future. Nothing changes. So, get out of your shell. Try things that are out of your comfort level. Do something out of character.
CONFIDENCE – The more confident you are you, the more convincing you are. If you want your ex to believe that you have changed for the better, then you have to believe it.
EMPATHY – People are more inclined to trust others who have the ability to understand where we are coming from. So take a moment and look at the situation from her perspective. Is there a reason she sees you the way she does? Is there any merit to it? The idea here is to understand her thought process.
She sees you negatively now, but there has to be some reason behind it. understanding it will give you the opportunity to learn from it. Become better. As we discussed before, actually making an effort and making a change from the past is the only way she’ll believe that you’ve changed.You can only change when you know what needs to be changed.
See the importance of knowing these things?
Alright, moving on.
What to Do During No Contact
No Contact is probably the most difficult to adhere to. Although keeping your emotions in check once you re-establish contact later is a close second.
No Contact has several functions.
- Giving you and your ex time to process the breakup.
- Giving you time to (pardon my french) get your shit together.
- Allowing your ex’s curiosity and interest to grow.
Sounds pretty simple right?
Well, as we talked about earlier, confidence is one of the keys to getting a positive outcome from this. If you are going to exude confidence after you finish No Contact, the you have to change the way you see yourself.
Decide that you are important and you deserve to be happy.
“What is my opinion of myself? Do I see myself as desirable and valuable?
If you are having trouble seeing yourself in a positive light or you have a habit of letting negative thoughts take over, there is an easy way to take care of this.
All you need is a rubber band.
Put it on your wrist and snap it every time that you find yourself thinking something negative about yourself. This makes your subconscious associate the negative thought with pain. Therefore, it will avoid that type of thought in the future. It’s an excellent way to build Attitude Strength.
You see, if you have strong positive opinions about yourself, they influence behavior and remain durable over time. No one can talk you out of them.
However, if you have weak positive opinions, you are likely to be swayed easily, by anyone.
So, the more certain you are of your worth and your value, the less likely she’ll be able to convince you otherwise. That means that your ex will be more likely to believe that you’ve actually changed.
The last thing I will say, which is included in the other articles we’ve written about becoming a better version of you is that you should take steps to better yourself and better your life. In the book, we refer to the areas to focus on as “The Holy Trinity,” Health, Wealth, and Relationships.
- Get in shape
- Take better care of your health
- Learn something new
- Finish something you’ve been putting off
- Take a chance on something you have always wanted to do
- Pave the way to advancing at work or in your career
- Take better care of your finances
- Reconnect with family and friends that you may have neglected while you were in the relationship
By doing some combination of these things, you are giving yourself a reason to believe in yourself as well as everyone else in your life, including your ex.
It just makes it easier on you in this endeavor.
And during No Contact is the best time to work on these things because you;ll have a lot of free time that you are going to spend trying not to text you ex. It’s a win-win!
What to Do After No Contact
No Contact works, but it sucks. I mean it seriously is tough to get through. Our ladies have gone above and beyond in trying to find loopholes in the No Contact Phase. Like I am constantly amazed, at the reasons they come up with. Here’s one I got today…
“My ex was worried about my dog and wouldn’t stop texting me. So I just went ahead and told him she was fine… do I have to start all the way over?”
But let’s say you get through the No Contact Period and get to the point of reconnecting.
ExGirlfriend Recovery Pro and The Texting Bible layout the basics of reconnecting with your ex, what to say and when to say it. If you are struggling with the details of reconnecting or the basics of No Contact here are a few articles that might help…
I will make a few observations from what I’ve seen other people go through and my understanding of human behavior.
The temptation to jump right back into where you left off WILL be overwhelming. You WILL revert back to the person you were before you made all of those changes and improvements if you don’t keep your wits about you.
The need to have someone acknowledge the progress you have made can be a mighty force. It will trick you into waving these changes in front of your ex like a banner, when the more effective and believable way would be to let her recognize them on her own.
So, if she says,
“How am I supposed to believe that you’ve changed, that you aren’t the person you were before?”
(Let’s face it, if she’s not saying it out loud she’s still asking herself.)
It’s normal for you to think that you have to start listing things. But if it were me… I’d stick to something along these lines…
“Well, I think I’ve come a long way. And I could sit here and list out all of the things I’ve done over the past [insert amount of time apart], but that wouldn’t mean anything to you. I could just be making things up. So, how about we just spend some time together and you can see for yourself?”
You see this is rational and still a little flirty. Plus the vagueness will peak her interest. All good tactics and good reasons to make plans to spend time together and reestablish the solid connection that relationship is built on.
It’s like you’re playing basketball and setting up a lay up. With an aggressive opponent you have to drive the ball to reach the goal and rely on the person playing post to protect your approach to the basket. I used to play point in high school. Take it from me, no one expected me to be able to post up and block out anyone who was trying to stop my teammate from reaching the goal. But I knew it was important for me to do my job.
If you don’t play basketball let me put it this way…
In this case you are ALL of the players mentioned…
- You are the player going for the goal, which is convincing your ex.
- The part of you that keeps telling you to break No Contact or to try and force your ex to see that you’ve changed is the players trying to stop him from reaching it.
- And you are the only one that can keep you from messing this up. So… Do your job and protect yourself… from… yourself.
Your ego is that part of your mind that messes you up. It wants instant gratification. If your breakup was particularly hasty your ex might think you are faking improvements to get them back. That’s why I always tell our people to make the improvements on their own behalf, not just to impress their ex. It’s important to be patient and make sure that you keep all interactions of the reconnect phase friendly and positive after you get out of No Contact.
If you aren’t getting the level of response that you were expecting, then you also have to take into consideration that the changes you’ve made aren’t as dramatic as you think they are. They would seem bigger to you than other people because you are closer to your life than they are. They have other things to focus on… like lives and troubles of their own.
It sometimes takes other’s some time to notice.
Again. Be patient. And go make your life something… great and noticeable!