About a month ago at two in the morning I was on the verge of falling asleep when I had a thought.
The Thought: How can I call myself an expert on relationships when I don’t even have all of my strategies written down in one place
It was a terrifying thought because as many of you know I run arguably the two biggest websites in the world on breakups (Ex Girlfriend Recovery and Ex Boyfriend Recovery.)
And if word ever got out that I was so unprepared like this it could be disastrous…
Oops I guess I just let word get out, huh?
Actually, that’s not entirely true because now I do actually have all my strategies written down in one place.
You see, I am the kind of guy who doesn’t buy into something unless there is scientific proof backing it up and that’s what I think sets me apart from a lot of my peers out there.
That and I am devilishly good looking,
But we are getting off topic here.
The point I am trying to make is that every strategy I mention here on Ex Girlfriend Recovery will have proof to back it up.
It will either have worked for someone to get their ex back OR it will have scientific or psychological basis.
And that brings me back to my manifesto…
I mean my own personal bible of strategies for getting an ex girlfriend back.
I know it doesn’t look very aesthtically pleasing to the eye but that thing goes on forever just listing out all the strategies I have ever come across that are proven to work.
And that leads me to my next point.
During my research I came across something fascinating.
Studies have proven that “playing hard to get” is a very effective dating strategy.
Now, I think most people understand that playing hard to get works but there are still a portion of people out there that think it’s dumb or think that you “shouldn’t play games like that.”
A long time ago I got a comment on my YouTube channel from a woman who just started picking my strategies apart and claimed that you should never try to attract someone by “playing hard to get…”
But what if it’s your only shot of re-attracting your ex?
What if it’s without a doubt the most effective strategy that you can employ?
Look, I can lead a horse to water but I can’t make it drink. Sometimes people get caught up in this idea that they have to do things a certain way that it blinds them when they are presented with an even better way.
And that’s what I am going to talk about today.
I am going to teach you all about playing hard to get and how it can drastically improve your chances of getting your ex back.
Now, if you are one of those people that thinks playing hard to get shouldn’t ever happen then this article probably isn’t for you. However, if you want to learn an effective strategy that has psychological basis to back it up then pay attention because I am about to drop some knowledge on you.
This Article Has Two Parts
The more I played around with the idea of writing this the more I began to realize that I would have to divide this article up into two different parts. You see, I am not into half assing things especially when it comes to the content that goes up on this site.
So, it’s probably not going to be enough for you to just hear about what playing hard to get is and how there is scientific proof that it works (part one.)
After all, the scientific studies done around “playing hard to get” were not done under the conditions that a breakup occurred so I will admit that the data is a little skewed.
But that’s where part two of article is going to come into play.
I am going to build upon what we already know to be true about “playing hard to get” and directly use that knowledge to relate it to your breakup with your ex.
In other words, I am going to give you multiple successful examples of how “playing hard to get” can help you get your ex girlfriend back.
While the data I did find on playing hard to get didn’t include breakups I have done my own independent research here on Ex Girlfriend Recovery so you are going to be getting the best of both worlds.
Now, in case you went deaf in the last minute here’s a quick recap of what we are going to be talking about going forwards,
Part One: What “Playing Hard To Get” Is
Part Two: Successful Ways You Can “Play Hard To Get” On Your Ex Girlfriend
PART ONE: What “Playing Hard To Get” Is
I always think these explanations work better with examples.
Let’s pretend that there are two men.
And for the purposes of this article we are going to call them Chris One and Chris Two,
Now both these Chris’ want their ex girlfriends back.
But they take very different approaches.
Chris One’s Approach: He decides to beg for his ex girlfriend back (which doesn’t work.) As a result, he panics and gets one of his friends to beg for her back for him.
I am just going to go out on a limb here and say that Chris One’s approach is the bad approach and it coincidentally happens to be identical to many of your approaches to get your exes back.
Chris Two’s approach is quite different,
Chris Two’s Approach: Instead of begging this Chris decides to ignore his ex. To act like he doesn’t care about the breakup. Now, Chris’ ex is under the assumption that he is going to beg for her back so when that doesn’t happen she begins to panic and starts looking into what he is doing.
This Chris’ approach ends up being much more successful when it comes to getting an ex back and it also happens to align with the “play hard to get strategy.”
So, what is “playing hard to get?”
Playing Hard To Get: The concept of playing hard to get is a simple one. You basically pretend that you aren’t interested in someone when you really are.
But you’d be surprised at how many people can take something so simple and make it so complicated.
But I’ll get to that a little later.
First things first, I would like to prove to you that “playing hard to get” is a viable strategy.
Like I mentioned above, I am not into recommending a strategy to you if it hasn’t been proven to work.
My Proof That “Playing Hard To Get” Works
Lately a lot of people have been asking me how I come up with my strategies for Ex Girlfriend Recovery.
One thing I have already established is that I don’t recommend something unless it is entrenched in proof that it works. But how do I find that proof?
Well, that’s what I am going to show you right now.
I’ll use “playing hard to get” as an example.
It all started with a hypothesis on my part.
I thought to myself,
“I am pretty sure “playing hard to get” is a viable strategy for getting an ex back but I need proof to back that claim up.
So, where do I find the proof?
Well, the internet is an amazing place.
Shout out to “Sad Keanu Reeves” on the cat bench up there….
Ok, I am getting way off topic.
What I generally do is I type in a simple search into google. Kind of like this,
And up pops ten results and I pick one of the ten results.
In this case, I decided to pick this eHarmony article,
Now, here is where things get interesting. I own a website and I am the primary content creator for that website. In other words, I pour my heart and soul into every article I write for Ex Girlfriend Recovery.
I know that in today’s day and age of fortune 500 companies and gigantic online empires it’s rare to see that happen and eHarmony is no different.
Chances are that the person who wrote the eHarmony article above didn’t put in the necessary hours to really make it something incredible. So, I actually never read any article that I find on Google.
It’s not that I don’t trust that Google will produce a good result for me.
It’s that I am more interested in where the people who wrote the articles for Google got their research and any true author will provide references for his or her research.
That’s where the “further reading” section on the article above comes in handy,
For me this is like stumbling across a gold mine of research.
Those are the articles I digest since they are from actual journals of psychology and so on and so forth.
So, what did I find when I did my deep dive for “playing hard to get?”
There was actually a study done where college students were presented with profiles of three equally attractive people or “targets.” The only difference between the “targets” was the fact that they varied when it came to level of availability.
One target was very available to date
While another was available on intermediate basis
And finally the third target had a low availability.
When the college students were asked which of the three “targets” they would be most interested in dating or pursuing a relationship with the college students preferred the intermediate target over the available one hands down.
Now, what does this tell us?
Well, it tells us that playing hard to get definitely works but if you play too hard to get most people will assume that you actually are too hard to get and they won’t even try to date you.
It’s kind of like that joke of the beautiful girl in high school who never gets asked to the prom because everyone already assumes shes been asked.
But Let’s Dive Even Deeper Into The Perception Of Someone Who Is “Hard To Get”
Honestly I am a sucker for understanding the psyche of why people do the things they do or think the things they think.
So, when I stumbled across this next study was absolutely blown away with what I learned.
The “playing hard to get” strategy really only works because people perceive you in a certain way.
I’ll give you an example.
What do you think of this woman?
Many of you already know that this is a picture of Megan Fox.
What is your perception of her?
She can probably have any guy she wants…
In other words, she is someone that is hard to get. At least, that is how we perceive her.
Well, in the other study I stumbled across college males were asked what they thought about women who play hard to get. What they said was interesting.
She is typically beautiful…
Has a good job…
Can afford to be choosy…
Has a good personality…
Kind of like Megan Fox above.
Of course, this doesn’t really apply to you since you are here to get your ex girlfriend back. So, what might be more interesting to you is how women perceive men who are hard to get.
The study then decided to ask college women how they perceived men who were hard to get.
He is generally someone who is very important…
Has an interesting personality…
Is a bit of a smooth talker…
He is pre-selected and popular with other women…
This little bit of knowledge is probably going to come in handy when I start talking about the ways in which you can play hard to get.
Oh wait… that’s what I am going to talk about next.
Let’s move on to part two of this article.
PART TWO: How You Should Play Hard To Get With Your Ex Girlfriend
I thought a lot about how I wanted to structure “part two” of this article and ultimately here’s what I came up with.
I am going to list off every method for “playing hard to get” that I have ever seen work.
Now, at the beginning of this article I made a very big deal about the fact that I don’t like recommending things unless there is proof to back up the fact that they work and you had better believe I am injecting the same idea into part two of this article.
Everything that I am about to recommend here to you works at making an ex girlfriend want you back.
I figured what I would do is explain the “playing hard to get principle” to you first so that you fully grasp it and then I will present my research proving that it works.
Sound like a plan?
“Play Hard To Get” Strategy One: The No Contact Rule
I talk a lot about the no contact rule throughout this website.
In fact, I have written multiple articles on it (here and here.)
And the no contact rule is widely regarded as the most popular strategy for getting an ex back. I mean, even George Lucas (creator of Star Wars) knows about it,
You’ll notice that around 1:07 in the video Mr. Lucas talks about how to handle breakups.
The first rule is no phone calls… The second rule, you don’t go over to their house and drive by to see what they’re doing… The third one is you don’t show up at their coffee shop
Hmm… this sounds eerily similar to the no contact rule.
But how does the no contact rule work as a strategy for playing hard to get.
Well, I feel it’s important to establish that in order for a “playing hard to get” strategy to work the person you are using it on has to do something that proves they are interested in you.
Take the no contact rule as an example.
The no contact rule is defined as a period of time where you ignore your ex on purpose in an attempt to make them miss you while at the same time giving yourself an opportunity to facilitate your personal growth.
In other words, you ignore your exes attempts to communicate with you and in turn she is more likely to chase after you to get a response.
That’s where that “attempt to make them miss you” part of the no contact rule definition comes into play.
But is the no contact rule a viable strategy for playing hard to get with an ex?
How Does The No Contact Rule Work As A PHTG Strategy?
I actually have two concepts of proof to cite when talking about the no contact rule. Let’s talk about the first one, psychological reactance.
The no contact rule is ingrained with a very important psychological concept called “reactance.”
It basically states that human beings are born with a certain amount of behavioral freedoms and when someone or something comes along and threatens those freedoms they are more likely to react in a way to try to re-obtain that freedom.
Actually if you really think about it a bit of reverse psychology can be employed using reactance.
Let’s say that I was very concerned with the fact that you weren’t eating enough. So, in an effort to get you to eat more I decide to threaten your freedom to eat. The end result is you end up wanting to eat more because you feel your behavioral freedom of being able to eat was threatened.
Hell, this even reminds me of the law of scarcity.
The more scarce something is the more desirable it becomes.
But how does “reactance” work with the no contact rule?
Well, by utilizing the no contact rule you are going to be depriving your ex girlfriend of her behavioral freedom of talking to you. The end result according to psychology is the fact that she is going to want to get that behavioral freedom back so she is likely to act in a way to get you to talk to her again.
That’s a quick lesson on why the no contact rule actually works but I would like to move on to my second concept of proof relating to the no contact rule.
A few months ago I decide to conduct my own independent study.
One of the benefits of running two successful websites in the “get your ex back niche” is you have the ability to do these awesome independent studies.
So, what was the study that I ultimately performed?
I took 34 of my best “success stories” and performed a “deep dive” into their situations. I was trying to find any correlations between what these successful people were doing that the unsuccessful people who failed to get their ex back weren’t doing.
I learned some very interesting things.
Especially about the no contact rule.
It turns out that 74% of the successes that I looked at had successfully done the no contact rule.
Now, what does this tell us?
It tells us that the no contact rule is arguably the very best “play hard to get” strategy out there.
You are probably dying to read that independent study report, huh?
Ok, it’s my gift to you.
“Play Hard To Get” Strategy Two: The Push/Pull Theory
The push/pull theory is an excellent way of “playing hard to get.”
Oh, you don’t know what the push/pull theory is?
The Push/Pull Theory: Attracting a member of the opposite sex by doing something that makes them think you are interested in pursuing a relationship with them (pulling them in.) and then right when they think they have your intentions figured out you do something that makes them think you aren’t interested in pursuing a relationship with them (pushing them away.)
The trick with successfully employing the push/pull theory is the constant ability to pull them in just a little bit more than you are pushing them away.
The comparison I often like to use is that it’s like catching a fish.
You don’t just reel the fish in as fast as possible.
You have to reel it in a little bit, stop and then let it go for a little bit.
And then you reel it in again repeating the whole process over and over again.
But the thing about reeling the fish in is that you are always reeling just a little bit more than you are letting it go. This way it’s slowly but surely getting closer to the point where you can take it out of the water.
The same principle applies to the push/pull theory.
The mistake that I see men constantly make when they are trying to use it to “play hard to get” with their exes is the fact that pull a little bit too much and there is no significant push.
Hmm… perhaps it’s better if I cite a study to illustrate this point.
How Does The Push/Pull Theory Work As A PHTG Strategy?
Researchers trying to understand the intricacies of “playing hard to get” performed a fascinating study which yielded some results that really illustrates the effectiveness of the push/pull theory.
Let me ask you a question.
When someone doesn’t play hard to get but is very open and engaged during a date how good of a chance do you think that, that person will have of actually creating a long term relationship with their date?
The answer my surprise you.
Researchers had men and women divide into two separate groups and go on dates.
Group one was told to act very engaged and interested in the date that they were on.
Group two was told to act in a way that made their date think that they were “hard to get.”
The results that they got back from this study were really interested.
It turns out that the people out there who acted engaged and interested (group one) in the date were perceived as more positive and likeable.
However, the people who were told to act a little standoffish or difficult to get (group two) were perceived as more desirable to date.
But those results weren’t the only shocking thing that researchers learned from their study.
They also learned that the people in group two did not get favorable scores unless attraction was already present. In other words, playing hard to get didn’t work at all unless the person they were playing hard to get with already found them attractive.
Now, what does this tell us?
Well, the ideal way to create desire and attraction within someone you want to date is to adopt a hybrid method between what groups one and two did.
First you need to create positive and likeable feelings within your target (like group one was told to do.) And then once you have created those feelings attraction is soon to follow. Once attraction has been created that’s when you play hard to get.
In other words, you pull…. then you push…
Researchers essentially stumbled upon the answer to the question of,
“Does the Push/Pull theory work?”
Without even meaning to do so.
“Play Hard To Get Strategy” Three: Have The Courage To End The Conversation Prematurely
It seems so simple, right?
But the problem you face with this one is the fact that right now you want your ex girlfriend back more than anything.
This is a unique position because it gives her power of you.
In fact, some of you probably hang on her every word when what you really need to do is control the dynamic as much as possible.
That’s where ending the conversation prematurely comes into play.
I have a hypothetical scenario for you.
And I want you to be as honest as possible when I map this out.
Let’s say that you are talking on the phone with your ex girlfriend and it is going incredibly well. So well in fact that you find yourself thinking,
“This is the greatest feeling. I don’t want this to end.”
And so you stay on the phone bantering back and forth and it’s glorious.
She has something amazing to say and you have something amazing to say.
This goes on for hours.
But at the 3 hour mark you noticed the quality of your conversation has dipped significantly.
You have overstayed your welcome.
Instead of being greeted by the witty comebacks that you were getting an hour ago you are greeted with long uncomfortable silences.
A show of hands…
Have you ever experienced this?
Well, if you have it’s probably because you overstayed your welcome.
There are certain truths that are expected of you by society. And one of those truths is that when a man gets a beautiful girl (like your ex girlfriend) on the phone he is expected to stay on the phone as long as possible.
But whats exciting about that?
What’s desirable about that?
One thing that has become clear in my research is that if you are too available to a woman you become less desirable to date.
Research has proven this time and time again.
Playing hard to get works!
So, what should you do if you get your ex girlfriend on the phone and things seem to go well?
YOU END THE CONVERSATION PREMATURELY!
How Does Ending The Conversation Prematurely Work As A PHTG Strategy?
“Engage people with what they expect; it is what they are able to discern and confirms their projections. It settles them into predictable patterns of response, occupying their minds while you wait for the extraordinary moment — that which they cannot anticipate.” – Sun Tzu “The Art of War”
What does this quote mean?
Care to take a guess?
Well, it means that in war sometimes you need to lull your “enemy” into a predictable response to create an opening for an “extraordinary moment” where you can surprise them.
The same principle applies to relationships with your ex girlfriend.
Women like to believe they have our behavioral patterns figured out and most women do (especially when you are dealing with an ex girlfriend who is already used to your behavioral patterns.)
So, what’s the predictable behavioral pattern for talking on the phone with an ex?
To continue talking, right?
It’s right when your ex girlfriend thinks she has you all figured out. She will think in her head, “Ah, I have him engaged…”
That’s your “extraordinary moment.”
That’s your chance to do something unpredictable.
That’s your chance to surprise her and become more desirable by ending the conversation prematurely.
“Play Hard To Get” Strategy Four: The Delayed Response Strategy
It’s funny, sometimes I focus so much on helping men get a response from women that I sometimes forget they have the power to ignore responses from their beloved ex girlfriends.
So, here’s how the “delayed response” strategy works.
Let’s pretend that your ex girlfriend texts you with something that she really wants you to respond to,
At this point you are faced with three choices,
Choice One: Respond To Her
Choice Two: Don’t Respond To Her
Choice Three: Respond To Her Later
The delayed response strategy involves you making choices two and three from time to time. However, there are a few prerequisites that you need to understand if you want to pull this off successfully.
You can only “ignore” or “respond to her text later” a few times.
You don’t want to go overboard with it.
Do you remember the study I cited above about being too hard to get?
Another prerequisite that you need to understand is the fact that this really only works if your ex girlfriend is engaged in a conversation with you. She has to be dying for a response and when that response doesn’t come she may be a little disappointed.
Here’s the thing though, if she becomes disappointed it’s going to help to make her realize that she still has feelings for you.
But what does the research say?
How Does Delayed Responses Work As A PHTG Strategy?
I want to point to the scarcity principle here.
Now, if you haven’t heard of the scarcity principle before then you are in for a treat. In fact, it closely relates to the idea of reactance (which I talked about extensively in the no contact section above.)
According to Robert Cialdini, an expert on influence,
People value or desire something more if it is very hard or difficult to obtain.
Think about it, how many times have you been browsing online and seen something like this,
Marketers know that the more scarce they make something the more likely people are to buy it.
So, the thinking is that the more scarce you make yourself when it comes to giving your ex girlfriend a response through text messages the more she will desire you.
But that can’t actually work, can it?
Actually it can!
Psychological scientists wanted to test the law of scarcity and how it relates to “playing hard to get” so they took college women and had them look at four different Facebook profiles of men. They were then told that these men had actually viewed their profiles as well and had one of three different reactions to it.
Reaction One: The Man Liked Them
Reaction Two: The Man Liked Them An Average Amount
Reaction Three: The Man Was Uncertain With His Feelings
Which one of the men do you think women hand’s down preferred or desired more?
Women preferred the man who said he was uncertain about his feelings. Though it’s important to note that women did like the man who said that he liked her as well. It’s just that, that particular guy didn’t have the scarcity principle working for him.
I think that’s important to note because it backs up our findings on the push/pull theory and how if you really want to succeed at making your ex girlfriend desire you, you can’t just put all of your effort into being “hard to get.”
You also need to balance some effort into being likeable.
So, what’s the big takeaway here.
Well, it’s that you don’t have to respond to your ex girlfriends text messages all the time. In fact, sometimes it’s a good idea to not respond to them at all or respond to them at a later time. Here, I will give you an example.
Let’s say that your ex girlfriend texts me right now.
What most men do when they get a text like this from their ex girlfriend who they want back is they respond to it right away.
BUT that’s not utilizing the law of scarcity very well, is it?
Instead, if they wanted to appear more scarce they should simply ignore the text or text their ex girlfriends back in a few hours.
This is how you utilize the law of scarcity.
Now, I want to be clear here.
If you are at the beginning stages of the “texting phase” that I teach in PRO I don’t recommend that you utilize the scarcity principle.
Because you need to build up more value or attraction first.
This is really a principle that works best when rapport has been built with your ex girlfriend.
“Play Hard To Get” Strategy Five: Social Proof
This one is really fun to talk about because it was challenging for me to dissect.
Take a look at Wikipedia’s page on “social proof:”
It looks really complicated, right?
Well, the important bit to retain is,
Social Proof: Is a psychological phenomenon where people assume the actions of others in an attempt to reflect correct behavior for a given situation.
So, what does this mean?
Imagine that you are driving around in a town where you have never been before when all of a sudden it hits you.
You are hungry.
Your stomach growls, crawls and yells at you to get something to eat and even though you feel you don’t have the time you decide to listen to it.
But there is a problem.
You have never been to this town before and you don’t know any good places to eat.
That’s when you stumble across two restaurants.
One restaurant looks completely abandoned.
“Maybe the food is bad and that’s why no one is eating at this restaurant.”
Then you look across the street and you see a restaurant with a lot of cars outside of it and it looks very full,
“I’m eating there,” you think to yourself.
Now, what made you make that decision?
Social proof did.
One restaurant had everyone at it while the other one had no one at it.
Remember our definition of social proof above,
People assume the actions of others in an attempt to reflect correct behavior for a given situation.
You chose the restaurant with all the people in it because you thought that was the correct behavior for this given situation.
Now, I know what you are thinking,
What does any of this have to do with dating?
Ah, that was my next point.
How Does Social Proof Work As A PHTG Strategy
I have a question for you,
When you see a picture of this guy what is the first thing that pops into your head,
Ahem, did I say that out loud?
The assumption is that this guy is very good with women.
Well, you are only having that assumption because of the social proof he has of being surrounded by all sorts of women.
And women seeing him being surrounded by other women are going to come to the same conclusion.
Therefore, he is probably going to be looked at like a little mini celebrity.
And women are very attracted to celebrities.
Before I was married to my beautiful wife there was a girl who had a massive crush on me named Ashley.
Of course, it was one of those situations where she liked me but I didn’t like her back.
But despite the complete opposite feelings we remained friends.
I’ll never forget what she told me one day during one of her weaker moments.
What makes you so attractive is that you are so good at talking to girls. It’s like you can have any girl you want.
Social proof at work.