By Chris Seiter

Updated on July 9th, 2022

So what can you do when your ex keeps coming and going in and out of the relationship.

One moment everything seems fine.  Then something happens, she (or he) gets upset and breaks up with you, leaving you wondering what the hell happened.

Then in what seems like a blink of an eye, you discover that your ex wants back in – almost like nothing happened.

This kind of behavior can happen with both ex girlfriends and boyfriends.  They return to your life, then just as suddenly they are gone.

Then just when you think it’s all over you hear back from your ex again.

Like a broken record, your ex may choose to enter and exit the relationship, seemingly without cause or reason. It can leave you wondering what it all means and what you should do.

So let’s talk about it.  First, let’s go over the top 6 reasons why your ex boyfriend or girlfriend will leave you, to only later come back (or try to come back to you).

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6 Reasons Why Your Ex Keeps Coming Back For More

I know that the up and down nature of the relationship can take it’s toll.  I have had clients come to me saying they are not even sure if there has been a breakup as status of things can seem like a blur.

My advice is that words and actions matter and if you find yourself constantly questioning the status of your relationship, then something is wrong.

And if your ex keeps pulling away, only to come back to you later, then there must be a core reason driving this behavior.  Let’s look at six of them.

1. Your Ex Keeps Coming Back Because Their New Boyfriend or Girlfriend Is Just Not Working Out

Your ex may have discovered that life outside of the relationship they use to have with you is not so great.  Maybe they took on a new lover, but things are not working out as expected.  So the lure of trying it again with you might just be to much to resist.

Maybe the new lover pulled the same crap on your ex as she (or he) pulled on you.

So she (or he) decides it’s time to give it another try, hoping that this time the good times will return.

This is where you need to tread carefully.

Before you let them in, consider this warning.  Often, the path back to your ex is filled with potholes and before you know it, your ex is backing out of the relationship once again.

Why?  Because what was broken is not fixed.

I know, it sucks.  But times can get really confusing during this post breakup period.

2. Your Ex Keeps Coming Back Into Your Life Because It Has Become A Bad Habit

relaxed and coming back

Don’t be surprised if your ex ends up wanting to come back because they just got use to jumping in and out of the broken relationship.  For them it has become a bad habit.

The pain of separation may be too much for them to bear.  We can get use to our routines and rush right back in to ease our pain. I talk about this issue and how to resolve in my ex recovery Program here.  But unfortunately, the desire of returning can be upended once your ex realizes they rushed back in too soon.

So what happens when we rush back in?

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Fights usually ensue.  Ugly words get exchanged.  And before you know it, your ex girlfriend or boyfriend has decided to end it again.

This kind of pattern can happen over and over again as emotions and the lack of judgement can get the best of us all.

3. You Both Keep Coming Back Into Each Other’s Life Because You ACTUALLY Love Each Other

Just maybe this off and on relationship is being fueled by something that is very beautiful and real….actual true love.

We can love our ex girlfriend or boyfriend and still struggle with making the other parts of the relationship work.

But guess what?

Love almost always trumps all the conflict you might be having.

Eventually, if the love is pure and has been in place for a long period of time, you will often find yourselves back with each other.

Sure, there may be some back and forth as you both struggle with making things click.

But with the right attitude and plan, a mature couple that deeply loves each other will usually find a way.

4. The Problem Is Your Ex Won’t Commit – So You Both Go Back and Forth As Conflict Rises

The other side of loving your ex is not being sure what you want. This can apply to both of you.

Maybe there is some strong feelings present.  But just how deep they run could be interrupted by uncertainty and the lack of commitment.

When that is present in the relationship struggle, then it is not unusual to see couples come in and out of each other’s life.

It is almost like your ex is experimenting with what feels right as the fear of commitment can be overwhelming.

And when you have a situation as complicated as a formation of a relationship, it won’t necessarily follow a straight line.

So if your ex girlfriend or boyfriend keeps drifting in and out of your life, it may very well be due to their lack of commitment or inability to form a strong attachment.

5. Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend Keeps Leaving Because They Are Fickle

Have you ever had an ex that just couldn’t make up their mind?

One week everything seems fine.

Then suddenly they are overwhelmed with doubt and decide to break off from you.  You press and try to make things right again and soon your ex is back into the fold like nothing happened.

But then it happens again.

Whether it’s immaturity or your ex’s inability to form a stable relationship, such behavior can doom a relationship if he or she keeps up this parade of erratic behavior.

I know its frustrating when the person you love acts like they love you and say and do all the right things, then out of the blue decides they might want something else.

There is usually a root cause to their behavior.  Maybe it’s an inherent fickleness your partner possesses.  Possibly it could be issues around attachment and security.  It might have something to do with unfinished business with another lover. Identifying what is triggering this behavior is key.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back?

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6. You or Your Ex Keeps Leaving Because One or Both of You Can’t Accept the Relationship Is Toxic

Sometimes relationships are doomed to fail because the two people should not be together.

Maybe the sex is good or the right mixture of need and support are in place.

But unless the couple is compatible across many areas, trouble could be waiting around the corner.

I have seen plenty of toxic relationships in which an ex keeps coming back – then leaving again.  Sometimes it can result in you or your ex losing their identity and sense of what is important.

If you are involved in a toxic relationship in which abuse is present, then you may want to pull way back and take a long look at whether you want to continue to enable your ex as they move in and out of your life.

What Can You Do To Stop This Endless Cycle?

stopping the cycle

So what can you do to end this cycle of your ex dropping out of the relationship, then coming back?

One approach is to have a well conceived Ex Recovery Plan which you can learn more about on this Page!

Well, I have a few tips to help you with getting a better handle on what it all might mean and what you should do to break this vicious circle.

Here are 5 Tips on how to straighten out a dysfunctional relationship.

1. Accept That You Are Both At Fault For This Merry Go Around Relationship

It can truly leave your head spinning when he or she comes in and out of your life with such frequency.

A big mistake is to assume it’s always your ex to blame for your misfortune.  Remember, you are part of this process too.  He or she can’t come back to you, unless you allow it.

Having a well intentioned but too weak of a heart, can muck things up for the future.  So accept you are part of the problem, but can also be part of the solution.

2. Take Some Time Away From Your Ex

Giving in and just jumping back in – returning to the same ways and habits – is not always the wisest course of action.

A breakup happens because something is really wrong.

Time and having a joint action plan to set things right can go a long ways.

So think about embarking on a No Contact Period so that you can guard against the temptations of the flesh or a weak heart.

Having an extended healthy space can sometimes really help you both gain perspective and re-examine your path forward.

3. Focus On Your On Self Development

Instead being a party to this back and forth with your ex, make your focus all about becoming the best version of “you”.

So that means adopting the Holy Trinity aspects of my Program.

It should be a part of you commitment to not contact your ex and not give in to your temptations.  Everything in your heart will say, “I should give my ex that one more chance”.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back?

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This is particularly the case if your other half is begging for another chance. But this is usually the worst way to restart things.

Rushing back into a broken relationship is rarely in your best interest.  So carve out time to get better in all ways that matter to you in your life.

4. When It’s Time, Let Your Ex Know You Are Committed To Making It Work – But Not Without a Plan

As I explained earlier, there will be a tremendous psychological push to try again before either of you are ready.  Such is the powerful pull of the hormones raging through both of your bodies.

But this is a time to think with your mind, not your heart.

Let your ex know you want the relationship to work but you both need time to heal and reset before even attempting to restart the love affair.

It may take several weeks before either of you are ready.  Having time apart from each other will underscore what you both truly mean to each other, thereby giving each of you a better chance to come up with a plan to make this relationship stick.

Use this time for your personal growth as I discussed above, but also use this time to test your own inner feelings about what is best.

So many times I have seen couples break up and get back together multiple times within the same month.  Soon it becomes a habit, almost even commonplace.

This kind of a relationship is inherently dysfunctional and nothing good will come from it.

That is why it’s important to avoid such destructive patterns before they get traction and take you down the wrong path.

5. Reinforce The Commitment To The Plan By Doing Something Symbolic

Let’s say you took a good break from each other and worked on yourselves individually before committing to work on the Relationship together.

So now it’s time to reinforce your new plan the two of you created together.  It should consist of 3-4 key things you will both do differently for the betterment of the relationship.

Now it’s time to do something that will cause you both to remember what is at stake. Create a special memory that cements this new bond.

For example, try going to a special bridge that spans across someplace special and attach a lock, cementing your commitment to each other.

Or try putting a written vow of what you each will do to improve the relationship in a bottle and toss it in a pool of water.  Whatever you do, make it something you both will remember and make sure it’s something that imprints on your psyche.	

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