Will An Emotionally Unavailable Ex Girlfriend Come Back?

Two words….

Two simple words can be absolutely devastating for men wanting their ex girlfriends back.

The words?

Emotionally Unavailable

Often, the men who come to this website are desperate to get their ex girlfriends back. So desperate that they often overlook one of the most important components to a successful “ex recovery campaign,” their ex girlfriends state of mind.

For half a decade I have been helping people through breakups.

My websites have seen well over 100,000 comments and I’m not even including the emails or physical mail I have received (true story by the way.) Would you like to know what I have learned by dealing with all of those breakups?

Not all breakups are created equally.

Some people have a lot easier time getting their exes back than others because their exes frame of mind is completely different.

And that leads me back to the purpose of this article.

You want to get your ex back…

That much is clear since you have found your way to my little site.

Of course, your ex girlfriend is not in the right frame of mind. In fact, for the longest time you have believed that she is emotionally unavailable.

So, the ultimate question on your mind right now is… (drum roll please,)

Can you get an ex girlfriend back if she is emotionally unavailable?

Well, that’s what we are going to explore for the next 3,000+ words!

And I figured the best way to approach this article is fist by determining if your ex girlfriend is actually considered “emotionally unavailable.”

Is My Ex Girlfriend Emotionally Unavailable?

Someone who is emotionally unavailable is defined as,

A partner who create barriers to intimacy and can make you feel unloved or unwanted.

Or put simply, it’s someone who you truly open up to and start expressing your feelings to. Of course, when that happens they don’t want anything to do with you.

Now, I do realize that many of you are probably sitting there thinking,

But before you start labeling your ex girlfriend as “emotionally unavailable” let’s actually set a few ground rules and see if we can determine if your ex is actually unavailable emotionally.

Sound good?

Good!

How To Spot If Your Ex Is Emotionally Unavailable

Below I have determined six types of behaviors that are common within emotionally unavailable women.

  1. Loves the chase… Isn’t much for a long term relationship
  2. May have dropped subtle hints before you got into a relationship that she wasn’t “good” in relationships
  3. Their past
  4. Look for any flaw no matter how small and use it as an excuse to break up
  5. Emotionally distant and flees during conflict

Now, I’ll admit that some of these are pretty self explanatory. However, there are a few of them that I believe are very important to go a little more in-depth on.

So, I figured I would just go in-depth on each of them just to cover all the bases.

Of course, before we do get started I do want to say that generally for your ex to be considered EU (emotionally unavailable) she is going to have to exhibit more than one of these types of behaviors.

You can’t just point to one type of behavior and automatically assume that she is EU.

It doesn’t work that way.

I’d say that if she has a minimum of three of the behaviors above it’s a pretty safe bet that you have your self an EU ex girlfriend.

Ok… Ok… let’s just jump right in.

Behavior #1: She Loves The Chase… Isn’t Much For The Long Term Relationship

I have a question for you.

What is the one common thread that binds EU people together?

The Answer = They don’t enter into long term relationship.

You say long term relationship…

The say…

At face value this particular behavior is very self explanatory.

However, the one thing I want to focus in on is them loving the chase.

What do you think I mean by that?

Well, generally when it comes to the relationships “the chase” is everything leading up to an actual commitment.

Imagine that a relationship was like a mountain.

The summit of the mountain would be like a commitment of some form,

And the hike up to the summit.

The ups… the downs…

The actual climb itself is like “the chase,”

An EU ex girlfriend would enjoy the climb/chase and in many cases won’t even commit.

However, for those that do commit.

Those that actually do reach the summit of our little relationship mountain you will find that the relationship doesn’t last too long.

Behavior #2: She May Have Dropped Subtle Hints Before Your Relationship That She Wasn’t “Good” In Relationships

Does this sound familiar?

“I’ve never been that great in relationships…”

What about this?

“None of my relationships have lasted very long…”

Often an EU woman will drop subtle hints that she isn’t too great in relationships. However, often I find that men completely disregard them.

And it’s understandable.

I’ve done this too.

You see, as men we have this belief that we are different, that we are better.

You see, if someone tells us,

“I’m bad in relationships”

Instead of taking it at face value we hear,

“I’m bad at relationships with everyone EXCEPT YOU.”

I’ll never forget a date I went on where this exact phenomenon happened to me.

I remember texting this girl before the date and she ended up saying something like this,

Now, instead of actually taking a step back and determining if this was a red flag I took it as a challenge to be the guy that pulled her from the abyss.

Of course, it didn’t end well.

We went on a date…

We didn’t click…

And I was pretty hard on myself.

I thought that I had screwed up a good thing.

But the answers were all given to before we had gone on that date.

She had warned me that she was emotionally unavailable.

She loved the chase and nothing else.

So, what am I saying here?

Well, a common thread that connects EU women is the fact that they drop these subtle hints about them not being good in relationships.

All you have to do is take a deep dive into your memory and figure out if your ex did this to you.

Behavior #3: Her Past

What’s that famous phrase?

“History often repeats itself”

Well, that is certainly the case her with emotionally unavailable exes.

If you learn that your ex has never had a relationship last more than three months then you should have some cause for concern.

Now, I am going to get a little bit personal here.

One of the best things about running this website and learning human psychology is the fact that all the stuff I am teaching you I can apply to my own life.

Would you like to hear a secret?

I was deathly afraid that this woman,

(She’s my wife!)

Was an emotionally unavailable girl when I was dating her.

You see, she ended up saying this comment that struck me as strange before we were even officially dating,

Ya… I have a problem with commitment. I can’t even commit to a cell phone plan.

Hmm…

That’s a red flag if I’ve ever seen one.

In fact, that aligns perfectly with what I said in “behavior #2” above.

Of course, if you recall my little rant about how just because your ex girlfriend has one of these behaviors it doesn’t necessarily make her emotionally unavailable.

Well, when I started inquiring about my girlfriends (now wife’s) past relationships all I found were super long term relationships.

She dated one guy for five years…

Another for a year…

And another for a year…

Her words said one thing but her actions (in the form of her past) said another.

I chose to believe the actions over the words.

So, I guess what I am saying here is take a good hard look at your exes past relationships.

See how long they lasted.

It’ll give you an indication if she is EU or not.

Behavior #4: She Will Look For Any Flaw (No Matter How Small) And Use It As An Excuse To Break Up With You

I want you to imagine something for me for a moment.

Imagine that you (yes, you) were trapped in a relationship you didn’t feel comfortable in.

It literally felt like this,

So, you reside yourself to get out of it any way that you possibly can.

But then you think of the girl you are with.

You don’t want to hurt her and tell her that you are just not into the relationship.

So, you decide to pick out a flaw, any flaw, and blame that for your reason for wanting to leave.

That’s exactly what I am talking about here with behavior #4.

If you find your ex girlfriend is blaming tiny insignificant flaws for the break up then I have two things I want to say to you,

Thing #1: She is probably emotionally unavailable

Thing #2: The tiny flaw isn’t the real reason that she broke up with you. It’s just an excuse for the real reason.

Behavior #5: She Was Emotionally Distant During The Relationship And Flees During Conflict

Yesterday a funny thing happened with my wife.

The second I saw her I got this vibe that something was off.

You see, our daily schedule all revolves around this little tyke right here,

(That’s our daughter by the way!)

Generally my wife gets up early to tend to the baby and lets me sleep in so I can be fully rested for my work here!

Yesterday though the second I saw her I knew something was off.

She was distant…

Of course, I got the patented,

“Nothing’s wrong…”

When I asked her if she was ok.

A few hours later the truth came pouring out.

I had made a comment to someone (a girl) on Ex Boyfriend Recovery that was interpreted as flirting by my wife.

She was upset and rightfully so…

I literally felt like Cersei doing the walk of shame in Game of Thrones,

(Watch Game of Thrones and you’ll get that reference.)

Here is my ultimate point.

I could tell something was off with my wife.

She was a little distant emotionally.

And I am betting that you have had similar experiences like this with your ex girlfriend. An experience where you think that she is hiding something from you but she won’t tell you.

This is classic EU behavior that an ex girlfriend can exhibit.

But let’s take it one step further.

Let’s say that after days of prying to try to find out why your girlfriend is acting so strange you get into an argument with her.

Of course, instead of taking that kind of conflict head on your ex completely runs away.

Classic emotionally unavailable behavior.

Is Getting An EU Ex Girlfriend Back Even Possible?

Recently I have been trying out this new thing on Facebook.

You see, many of you may not know this about me but I actually run a couple of Facebook Groups on Facebook.

I run one for this website, “The Ex Girlfriend Recovery Private Facebook Group” and I run one for my other website, “The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Private Facebook Group.”

Now, here is the craziest thing about running these Facebook groups. Initially I thought I was going to hate it. I thought,

“Oh my god… this is going to be such a time suck how am I going to handle all of the things I have to do on top of this?”

But I have to say the Facebook groups are the favorite part of my job.

Not only do I get to interact with my clients but I get to do “Facebook Live’s” where I get to answer question after question in rapid fire succession.

A few hours ago I did one and am super pumped up about it.

Here is a screenshot so you don’t think that I am lying,

Now, the casual reader might be sitting there and thinking,

“Umm… why the hell are you even talking to us about this.”

Well, you won’t believe one of the questions I was asked today.

Yep, you guessed it.

It was about emotionally unavailable exes.

The woman who asked the question (the Facebook Live I did was for the sister site to EGR) asked if it was even possible to get an ex back who is emotionally unavailable.

Immediately my mind jumped to two thoughts,

  1. Yes, they love the chase and getting them back is a type of chase
  2. The issue lies with convincing them to commit

Confused?

Don’t be, that’s what I am here for.

Thought #1: The Chase

A lot of people worry about the fact that they can’t ever get an ex back.

This is especially true when it comes to men worried about their EU ex girlfriends.

However, I personally don’t think this should be a worry for men.

Is it possible to get an EU ex girlfriend back?

Absolutely!

What am I basing that off of?

Well, do you remember back when I was dissecting the behaviors that a woman would exhibit if she was emotionally unavailable?

Do you remember behavior one?

If not, here is a quick refresher,

Your ex girlfriend loves the chase.

She loves it!

And the good news is that getting her back is nothing but chase.

Get it?

No?

Ok, think of it like this.

Generally I find that men don’t have a huge issue interesting their EU ex girlfriends because those women absolutely adore the chase. Where they run into all sorts of issues is how to keep them once they get them back.

That leads us to my second thought.

Thought #2: Commitment… Eh.. Not So Much

So, by now we have established that catching your ex girlfriends eye and getting her to act like she is falling for you isn’t so much the problem.

The problem really lies in how to get her to commit.

So, how can you get your emotionally unavailable ex girlfriend to commit?

Well, I want you to utilize two theories,

  1. The Interdependence Theory
  2. The Value Theory

Let’s dive into each of those theories right now,

What Is The Interdependence Theory?

The interdependence theory is a psychological theory that posits that human beings commit to one another through a cost and benefit scenario. In other words, we are looking to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs in our relationships.

The IT (interdependence theory) looks at three components to determine commitment.

  1. Satisfaction: Refers to how satisfied the individual is with their relationship.
  2. Alternatives: Refers to if the individual can find a better alternative as opposed to the partner they currently have.
  3. Investment: This refers to how many resources the individual has invested into the relationship.

Of course, you are probably sitting there at this moment thinking,

What does any of this have to do with making my ex girlfriend commit to me?

Well, it’s actually really simple.

The Interdependence Theory is essentially your road-map for making an EU ex commit. It tells you everything you need to do.

You need her satisfaction with the relationship to be high…

You need to convince her that there isn’t a better alternative out there…

And most importantly you need to get her to invest her most precious resource into the relationship, time.

Of course, that’s not all I want you to do.

You’ll recall that I had mentioned two theories that I wanted you to utilize.

The interdependence theory was one and the next one is “the value theory.”

Let’s talk about that now.

The Value Theory

The premise of the “value theory” is pretty easy.

Of course, in my half a decade of teaching men to get their exes back I have noticed that understanding it isn’t the problem.

Nope, it turns out that the problem lies in executing it.

But I’ll get to that in a second.

First, let’s define what “the value theory” is.

The Value Theory: Proving you are valuable to your ex by being a powerful man and actually acting like it.

Someone once told me that a person never truly regrets losing something until they realize how valuable it was to them.

In other words, your goal here is to prove that you are your exes most valuable relationship.

But how can you do that?

First you need to understand how women assign value to men.

You see, most men are under the assumption that a woman assigns value based on how the other person can make them feel. Now, while I will admit that this is true in some cases it isn’t painting the whole picture that needs to get painted.

The value assigned to each man is also based on how much effort he puts into the relationship and requires back from them.

Does this make sense?

No?

Ok, lets pretend that during your relationship with your ex you put everything you had into it. However, you didn’t require anything back from her.

To an emotionally unavailable woman this is the type of man she will eventually grow bored of.

What an emotionally unavailable woman truly wants is a man who isn’t afraid to stand up for himself.

She wants a man who will put a lot of effort into the relationship and also expect the same amount of effort back out.

And if you take a step back this actually makes a lot of sense.

A man who requires effort out of his woman is going to make her invest into the relationship and we all know that the more investment she has into the relationship the more likely she is to stick around.

The value theory is a mindset shift more than anything if I am going to be honest with you.

But it’s a mindset shift that absolutely needs to happen.

Too often I see men approaching their exes from a position of weakness when they need to be approaching them from a position of power.

In case you didn’t notice, it’s ok to hold your ex to a high standard!

		

Written by EGR team mate

Chris Seiter

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41 Comments on "Will An Emotionally Unavailable Ex Girlfriend Come Back?"

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Aaron
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My girlfriend and i broke up supposedly due to circumstancial reasons. I put everything i had into our 5 month long distance relationship, but never got the same from her. She had never had a boyfriend before me and was still a virgin. I thought because she kept talking about being intimate, she loved me. We had an argument through text about her father controlling every aspect of her life, even though she is 23. I pushed her to tell him about me, but she refused. It was ruining the relationship because she couldn’t text me or even call me… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Aaron,

If she’s that unavailable, are you sure you still want to try with her?

kidcavalier
Guest
I broke up with my girlfriend because I thought she was leading me on (I’ve fallen victim to that before). She’s displayed all traits of being EU plus she’s had a rough life (no high school friends & sexual abuse) but we’re alike in many ways when she let me in. Anyway, I didn’t realise she was EU when I pushed her away, but it was only for a week. She chased me in that week then I came back and she started distancing herself. I may have made a mistake by telling her, calmly and direct, that I loved… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Kid cavalier,

Do you plan in restarting nc?

aen
Guest
Starting dating this EU girl who was abused emotionally and sexually in her past. That’s baggage I know. And I did handle it well, until… I found out she had a sugar daddy getting her through college. I didn’t mind it until she started hanging out with him more than me, understandable since he’s the only income she has. She says she has no close friends and was all over me while we were dating but never opened up to me, other than when I asked. I know this girl to be genuinely sweet and kind, she is a small… Read more »
Eddiesleeth
Guest

This is coming from someone who is only attracted to EU girls. These girls like to play the victim and will often exaggerate things in their past to make them seem worse. I understand the allure of these women. Though it is often best to move on. These are people who don’t love themselves and often take that out on you.

Burning
Guest
Hi Chris, Amor, and team, I sent you guys a message through your contact page a few weeks to a month ago, but I haven’t heard back. I was wondering if you would be able to help me in my unique situation that I’m in? I don’t want to delve too much into the details here but we broke up over a year ago and I am still deeply in love with her. I think she is emotionally unavailable due to the things she went through while we were together, such as how my mother consistently talked down about her… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

have you done the no contact rule?

Burning
Guest

Hi Amor,

At first I didn’t, but I have now. When I Whatsapp her, sometimes she doesn’t reply after reading the message. I guess this is because we have bad texting topics and don’t know what to say? Or just doesn’t want to talk too much about her life to me?

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

What did you mean that have now? How long? And how much did you improve yourself and how active were you in posting? You have to do that first..and if you’re messaging her or replying to her during nc period, that’s not a no contact period.

Burning
Guest

Hi Amor,

I have done no contact for a few months now. The full details of what improvements I made and details of our breakup, as well as what happened post-break up is in the e-mail I sent to the EGR team back in May.

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

sorry, Leia, another team member handles our emails.. how long have you been buliding rapport now and are you still active in your life?

Burning
Guest

Hi Amor,

That’s fine. I just never heard back from the e-mail team, and still haven’t so I’m stuck on what to do. I haven’t started building rapport with her yet. What do you mean by if I am active in my life? If you mean by moving on with my life, meeting other people and doing things with friends, yes I am.

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

yes, being active in improving yourself and being active in posting. Posting in social media sites where posts lasts is important because that’s your indirect way of showing you’ve changed. If you have done that, initiate contact. If not do that first maybe for at least 3 weeks before initiating contact.

Marxbro22
Guest
Ok, I’m racing my brains over if I missed EU signs…..I did! We dated for 3 amazing months. No issues until she found one. OUCH! Two days later, after hearing from her “I’m not sure if I’m sabotaging us, “I’m not sure I want a relationship”, I found myself in a 2 weeks NC period( I started), then when I tried to re-engage her-crickets, nada, nothing to a few cute, funny texts; no answer to a call: Un-friended me on FBook, and blocked me! I really want another chance to do things differently. It was going so well. Such great… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Marx
Restart nc.. Do at least 30 days, be active in improving yourself and in posting

Marxbro22
Guest

Thank you Bigtime for your reply!! I have started another nc of 30 days which honestly, scares me; I know I can’t worry about losing her in this additional NC, but dang it…I’ve gotten back into therapy, working on my stuff! Sure want another opportunity to do things differently…I was really feelin’ this woman!

Charles S
Guest
Hello, Me and My Girlfriend Broke up 2 months back, and initially I begged her too much and after few days I went no contact. A week later she insisted on mending up things, but during that time she was meeting some other guy and they ended up kissing each other, which she confessed to me about! I forgave her and asked her to be back, but she din’t agree to it! Weeks after she messages she wants to come back to me for sure. I asked her if she was sure about it and asked her to take a… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

she already decided to move on.. take ît as a restart.. and then stick to atleast 45 days of nc

Paul
Guest
Good day. I suffer from moderate/severe depression and it was one of the things that drove my EX away. now when i broke thinks off with her some time in December because my depression was getting worse and she usually pitted me which makes things even worse for me, which ended up driving me to break up with her. she was always there for me, yes. she took care of me but i wasnt able to see the good that she was doing for me and i only notice it now that i`ve gotten some medical help. (sorry if its… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Paul,

are you getting professional help right now? restart the count of your nc, do at least 30 days, be active in improving yourself during and after nc, while building rapport slowly and be active in posting in social media too

Yak
Guest
I was dating a great girl for the past 5months. It went pretty fast at the early stages and over Christmas. Then in January I was away for a month and she drove 3hrs to visit for two separate weekends. Basically seemed keen. Once I was back in the same city as her she seemed very keen still but every time wen spent a few days together she would pull away and become withdrawn for a few days then slowly return. I became used to the cycle. Anytime we would discuss where we were going with this, she would say… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Do you want to try the no contact rule?

KillaKilla
Guest
My ex girlfriend does ALL OF THOSE THINGS. **WORTH A READ. This may help someone other than me.** Throughout our 11 month relationship, we were off and on, breaking up once before the true separation in Feb 2017. I noticed that each time she thought I was doing something untrustworthy, that sitaution would cause her to be bitter, she became SUPER critical of me, nit-picking at things that honestly were NOT the issue, could NEVER let things go or give me the benefit of doubt, and always tried to put on this “tough girl act” to portray this image of… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi KillaKilla,

you mean you’re moving on right?

Dante
Guest
I am in a similar situation, very similar, to KILLAKILLA. My Ex GF has a rough past when it came to relationships (men cheating, no love, and the worst one was the one before me where she had to move to a different state because he was abusive). She did have almost 3 or 4 signs of being EU in the above article. She had a dark past and very big baggage. Even though knowing all this, and finding out more about her as we continued our relationship. I still managed to make things work. We were together for more… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Dante,

yes, you should.. do at least 30 days.

Nick
Guest
Hi there, me and my ex broke up a few days ago. We have a long history , we dated most of high school, then I moved to Washington 6 years ago, she stayed in our home town in KS. She’d always find a way to reach out to me even after a year or two of not talking. This last time we went three years without talking but when we reconnected it was amazing, we talked all the time, would FaceTime and send eachother gifts and what not. I decided to move back to KS to be closer to… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Nick,

is she in counseling? Do you want to try the no contact rule?

JT
Guest
I’ve been on here before with questions…. This time around we had been doing well but still living apart. The holidays went well, and it seemed that things were moving in the right direction… we even had a vacation planned out. Then I had an issue with some of the things about the kids, like iPad rules and eldest son sleeping in the bed. We got in an argument about it and she shuts off. I was asking for counseling and everything else. It now seems one of her friends is trying to set her up with on of her… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Jt,

I know it’s frustrating but that’s why it’s not allowed to be angry while you’re trying to build rapport, because you’re trying to build rapport. But that’s ok, I think you still have a chance, just initiate small talk again when you’re personally together.

Jt
Guest

Well she shuts down pretty wuick, I thinks it’s bc she’s seeing someone else again, seems to be her m.o. Whenever we get into a disagreement. Guessing it’s a way to show she can do better or doesn’t need me, she always comes back around. I just don’t think small talk will amount to much.

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Ok, start with being nice first. Smile if you bump into each other, answer politely, nicely, be indifferent.

JT
Guest
With having two kids we have to run across one another frequently, she is very unresponsive. I stated I think she has another guy that she is seeing, sparingly bc of her having the kids. I can’t get her to even agree to a sit down. It seems she does this just to get back at me. I’m hoping this little phase blows over quick, so just be kind and let things work out as they will. She seems to always come back to me bc of the comfort level. I just need to next round really focus on the… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi,

a sit down will be confrontational in her end, that’s why she’s avoiding it.. There’s no use for a sit down right now because there’s no rapport.. it will just look like an attack to get.. The best you can do is to forgive her, and to keep being kind, indifferent and growing… Any confrontation or talk about negative feelings will not help for now…

JT
Guest
It’s been a few months now, we talk to one another well when we do see one another. She still seems disinterested though. I just can’t seem to get through to her. Seems like she’s in NC with me. I don’t know how to react to it, the kids make it harder bc its a connection we both have, yet it seems she’s content with how life is going. I’m not sure if I just let it go and move on. Our story is complicated, I don’t want to give up on it but doesn’t seem like any ground is… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Ok, when is your limit on building rapport?

Sbu
Guest
hi my ex girlfriend of 4 yrs had been distant for 2 months i things went cold she cameback on february and said she want us to start our relationship afresh i agreed though she remained distant though she kept on telling me that im the only guy she trust on valentines day she told me that she loves me and always will so i was damanding to see her she told me that she trying to love me again because she felt empty emotionally so i shouldnt push her so i guess i couldnt take it as i was… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Sbu,

you’re being demanding to her again. What’s your other plan than no contact?

John
Guest

Hey

My ex and I broke up and we went back and forth for a while. I acted a little too desperate and I pushed her away even more and now she’s saying she just wants me to move on. She said she hasn’t found any body new but she has generally moved on and is enjoying the single life. I got drunk last night and acted desperate oveur text. What should I do? Should I apologise and then cut all contact?

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi John,

nope, if you’re starting the no contact rule, just start it…