Two simple words can be absolutely devastating for men wanting their ex girlfriends back.
Often, the men who come to this website are desperate to get their ex girlfriends back. So desperate that they often overlook one of the most important components to a successful “ex recovery campaign,” their ex girlfriends state of mind.
For half a decade I have been helping people through breakups.
My websites have seen well over 100,000 comments and I’m not even including the emails or physical mail I have received (true story by the way.) Would you like to know what I have learned by dealing with all of those breakups?
Not all breakups are created equally.
Some people have a lot easier time getting their exes back than others because their exes frame of mind is completely different.
And that leads me back to the purpose of this article.
You want to get your ex back…
That much is clear since you have found your way to my little site.
Of course, your ex girlfriend is not in the right frame of mind. In fact, for the longest time you have believed that she is emotionally unavailable.
So, the ultimate question on your mind right now is… (drum roll please,)
Can you get an ex girlfriend back if she is emotionally unavailable?
Well, that’s what we are going to explore for the next 3,000+ words!
And I figured the best way to approach this article is fist by determining if your ex girlfriend is actually considered “emotionally unavailable.”
Is My Ex Girlfriend Emotionally Unavailable?
Someone who is emotionally unavailable is defined as,
A partner who create barriers to intimacy and can make you feel unloved or unwanted.
Or put simply, it’s someone who you truly open up to and start expressing your feelings to. Of course, when that happens they don’t want anything to do with you.
Now, I do realize that many of you are probably sitting there thinking,
But before you start labeling your ex girlfriend as “emotionally unavailable” let’s actually set a few ground rules and see if we can determine if your ex is actually unavailable emotionally.
How To Spot If Your Ex Is Emotionally Unavailable
Below I have determined six types of behaviors that are common within emotionally unavailable women.
- Loves the chase… Isn’t much for a long term relationship
- May have dropped subtle hints before you got into a relationship that she wasn’t “good” in relationships
- Their past
- Look for any flaw no matter how small and use it as an excuse to break up
- Emotionally distant and flees during conflict
Now, I’ll admit that some of these are pretty self explanatory. However, there are a few of them that I believe are very important to go a little more in-depth on.
So, I figured I would just go in-depth on each of them just to cover all the bases.
Of course, before we do get started I do want to say that generally for your ex to be considered EU (emotionally unavailable) she is going to have to exhibit more than one of these types of behaviors.
You can’t just point to one type of behavior and automatically assume that she is EU.
It doesn’t work that way.
I’d say that if she has a minimum of three of the behaviors above it’s a pretty safe bet that you have your self an EU ex girlfriend.
Ok… Ok… let’s just jump right in.
Behavior #1: She Loves The Chase… Isn’t Much For The Long Term Relationship
I have a question for you.
What is the one common thread that binds EU people together?
The Answer = They don’t enter into long term relationship.
At face value this particular behavior is very self explanatory.
However, the one thing I want to focus in on is them loving the chase.
What do you think I mean by that?
Well, generally when it comes to the relationships “the chase” is everything leading up to an actual commitment.
Imagine that a relationship was like a mountain.
The summit of the mountain would be like a commitment of some form,
And the hike up to the summit.
The ups… the downs…
The actual climb itself is like “the chase,”
An EU ex girlfriend would enjoy the climb/chase and in many cases won’t even commit.
However, for those that do commit.
Those that actually do reach the summit of our little relationship mountain you will find that the relationship doesn’t last too long.
Behavior #2: She May Have Dropped Subtle Hints Before Your Relationship That She Wasn’t “Good” In Relationships
Does this sound familiar?
“I’ve never been that great in relationships…”
What about this?
“None of my relationships have lasted very long…”
Often an EU woman will drop subtle hints that she isn’t too great in relationships. However, often I find that men completely disregard them.
And it’s understandable.
I’ve done this too.
You see, as men we have this belief that we are different, that we are better.
You see, if someone tells us,
“I’m bad in relationships”
Instead of taking it at face value we hear,
“I’m bad at relationships with everyone EXCEPT YOU.”
I’ll never forget a date I went on where this exact phenomenon happened to me.
I remember texting this girl before the date and she ended up saying something like this,
Now, instead of actually taking a step back and determining if this was a red flag I took it as a challenge to be the guy that pulled her from the abyss.
Of course, it didn’t end well.
We went on a date…
We didn’t click…
And I was pretty hard on myself.
I thought that I had screwed up a good thing.
But the answers were all given to before we had gone on that date.
She had warned me that she was emotionally unavailable.
She loved the chase and nothing else.
So, what am I saying here?
Well, a common thread that connects EU women is the fact that they drop these subtle hints about them not being good in relationships.
All you have to do is take a deep dive into your memory and figure out if your ex did this to you.
Behavior #3: Her Past
What’s that famous phrase?
“History often repeats itself”
Well, that is certainly the case her with emotionally unavailable exes.
If you learn that your ex has never had a relationship last more than three months then you should have some cause for concern.
Now, I am going to get a little bit personal here.
One of the best things about running this website and learning human psychology is the fact that all the stuff I am teaching you I can apply to my own life.
Would you like to hear a secret?
I was deathly afraid that this woman,
(She’s my wife!)
Was an emotionally unavailable girl when I was dating her.
You see, she ended up saying this comment that struck me as strange before we were even officially dating,
Ya… I have a problem with commitment. I can’t even commit to a cell phone plan.
That’s a red flag if I’ve ever seen one.
In fact, that aligns perfectly with what I said in “behavior #2” above.
Of course, if you recall my little rant about how just because your ex girlfriend has one of these behaviors it doesn’t necessarily make her emotionally unavailable.
Well, when I started inquiring about my girlfriends (now wife’s) past relationships all I found were super long term relationships.
She dated one guy for five years…
Another for a year…
And another for a year…
Her words said one thing but her actions (in the form of her past) said another.
I chose to believe the actions over the words.
So, I guess what I am saying here is take a good hard look at your exes past relationships.
See how long they lasted.
It’ll give you an indication if she is EU or not.
Behavior #4: She Will Look For Any Flaw (No Matter How Small) And Use It As An Excuse To Break Up With You
I want you to imagine something for me for a moment.
Imagine that you (yes, you) were trapped in a relationship you didn’t feel comfortable in.
It literally felt like this,
So, you reside yourself to get out of it any way that you possibly can.
But then you think of the girl you are with.
You don’t want to hurt her and tell her that you are just not into the relationship.
So, you decide to pick out a flaw, any flaw, and blame that for your reason for wanting to leave.
That’s exactly what I am talking about here with behavior #4.
If you find your ex girlfriend is blaming tiny insignificant flaws for the break up then I have two things I want to say to you,
Thing #1: She is probably emotionally unavailable
Thing #2: The tiny flaw isn’t the real reason that she broke up with you. It’s just an excuse for the real reason.
Behavior #5: She Was Emotionally Distant During The Relationship And Flees During Conflict
Yesterday a funny thing happened with my wife.
The second I saw her I got this vibe that something was off.
You see, our daily schedule all revolves around this little tyke right here,
(That’s our daughter by the way!)
Generally my wife gets up early to tend to the baby and lets me sleep in so I can be fully rested for my work here!
Yesterday though the second I saw her I knew something was off.
She was distant…
Of course, I got the patented,
When I asked her if she was ok.
A few hours later the truth came pouring out.
I had made a comment to someone (a girl) on Ex Boyfriend Recovery that was interpreted as flirting by my wife.
She was upset and rightfully so…
I literally felt like Cersei doing the walk of shame in Game of Thrones,
(Watch Game of Thrones and you’ll get that reference.)
Here is my ultimate point.
I could tell something was off with my wife.
She was a little distant emotionally.
And I am betting that you have had similar experiences like this with your ex girlfriend. An experience where you think that she is hiding something from you but she won’t tell you.
This is classic EU behavior that an ex girlfriend can exhibit.
But let’s take it one step further.
Let’s say that after days of prying to try to find out why your girlfriend is acting so strange you get into an argument with her.
Of course, instead of taking that kind of conflict head on your ex completely runs away.
Classic emotionally unavailable behavior.
Is Getting An EU Ex Girlfriend Back Even Possible?
Recently I have been trying out this new thing on Facebook.
You see, many of you may not know this about me but I actually run a couple of Facebook Groups on Facebook.
I run one for this website, “The Ex Girlfriend Recovery Private Facebook Group” and I run one for my other website, “The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Private Facebook Group.”
Now, here is the craziest thing about running these Facebook groups. Initially I thought I was going to hate it. I thought,
“Oh my god… this is going to be such a time suck how am I going to handle all of the things I have to do on top of this?”
But I have to say the Facebook groups are the favorite part of my job.
Not only do I get to interact with my clients but I get to do “Facebook Live’s” where I get to answer question after question in rapid fire succession.
A few hours ago I did one and am super pumped up about it.
Here is a screenshot so you don’t think that I am lying,
Now, the casual reader might be sitting there and thinking,
“Umm… why the hell are you even talking to us about this.”
Well, you won’t believe one of the questions I was asked today.
Yep, you guessed it.
It was about emotionally unavailable exes.
The woman who asked the question (the Facebook Live I did was for the sister site to EGR) asked if it was even possible to get an ex back who is emotionally unavailable.
Immediately my mind jumped to two thoughts,
- Yes, they love the chase and getting them back is a type of chase
- The issue lies with convincing them to commit
Don’t be, that’s what I am here for.
Thought #1: The Chase
A lot of people worry about the fact that they can’t ever get an ex back.
This is especially true when it comes to men worried about their EU ex girlfriends.
However, I personally don’t think this should be a worry for men.
Is it possible to get an EU ex girlfriend back?
What am I basing that off of?
Well, do you remember back when I was dissecting the behaviors that a woman would exhibit if she was emotionally unavailable?
Do you remember behavior one?
If not, here is a quick refresher,
Your ex girlfriend loves the chase.
She loves it!
And the good news is that getting her back is nothing but chase.
Ok, think of it like this.
Generally I find that men don’t have a huge issue interesting their EU ex girlfriends because those women absolutely adore the chase. Where they run into all sorts of issues is how to keep them once they get them back.
That leads us to my second thought.
Thought #2: Commitment… Eh.. Not So Much
So, by now we have established that catching your ex girlfriends eye and getting her to act like she is falling for you isn’t so much the problem.
The problem really lies in how to get her to commit.
So, how can you get your emotionally unavailable ex girlfriend to commit?
Well, I want you to utilize two theories,
- The Interdependence Theory
- The Value Theory
Let’s dive into each of those theories right now,
What Is The Interdependence Theory?
The interdependence theory is a psychological theory that posits that human beings commit to one another through a cost and benefit scenario. In other words, we are looking to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs in our relationships.
The IT (interdependence theory) looks at three components to determine commitment.
- Satisfaction: Refers to how satisfied the individual is with their relationship.
- Alternatives: Refers to if the individual can find a better alternative as opposed to the partner they currently have.
- Investment: This refers to how many resources the individual has invested into the relationship.
Of course, you are probably sitting there at this moment thinking,
What does any of this have to do with making my ex girlfriend commit to me?
Well, it’s actually really simple.
The Interdependence Theory is essentially your road-map for making an EU ex commit. It tells you everything you need to do.
You need her satisfaction with the relationship to be high…
You need to convince her that there isn’t a better alternative out there…
And most importantly you need to get her to invest her most precious resource into the relationship, time.
Of course, that’s not all I want you to do.
You’ll recall that I had mentioned two theories that I wanted you to utilize.
The interdependence theory was one and the next one is “the value theory.”
Let’s talk about that now.
The Value Theory
The premise of the “value theory” is pretty easy.
Of course, in my half a decade of teaching men to get their exes back I have noticed that understanding it isn’t the problem.
Nope, it turns out that the problem lies in executing it.
But I’ll get to that in a second.
First, let’s define what “the value theory” is.
The Value Theory: Proving you are valuable to your ex by being a powerful man and actually acting like it.
Someone once told me that a person never truly regrets losing something until they realize how valuable it was to them.
In other words, your goal here is to prove that you are your exes most valuable relationship.
But how can you do that?
First you need to understand how women assign value to men.
You see, most men are under the assumption that a woman assigns value based on how the other person can make them feel. Now, while I will admit that this is true in some cases it isn’t painting the whole picture that needs to get painted.
The value assigned to each man is also based on how much effort he puts into the relationship and requires back from them.
Does this make sense?
Ok, lets pretend that during your relationship with your ex you put everything you had into it. However, you didn’t require anything back from her.
To an emotionally unavailable woman this is the type of man she will eventually grow bored of.
What an emotionally unavailable woman truly wants is a man who isn’t afraid to stand up for himself.
She wants a man who will put a lot of effort into the relationship and also expect the same amount of effort back out.
And if you take a step back this actually makes a lot of sense.
A man who requires effort out of his woman is going to make her invest into the relationship and we all know that the more investment she has into the relationship the more likely she is to stick around.
The value theory is a mindset shift more than anything if I am going to be honest with you.
But it’s a mindset shift that absolutely needs to happen.
Too often I see men approaching their exes from a position of weakness when they need to be approaching them from a position of power.
In case you didn’t notice, it’s ok to hold your ex to a high standard!