By Chris Seiter

Updated on November 17th, 2022

So what are the things you really DON’T want to do during and after a breakup?

One big screw up is not bothering to learn about all the mistakes you can make in trying to get your ex back.

Why is it so important to investigate all the land mines waiting out there for you after a break up?

After all, getting an ex back is really easy, right! 

Of course I am kidding.  An ex recovery plan has to be a well thought out, deliberate plan and you really don’t want to be making a ton of errors if you want to be successful in your efforts to win your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back over.

So what are some of these pitfalls you need to avoid in order to give yourself a fighting chance?

Here is a list of the most common mistakes people make in trying to win over their ex girlfriend or boyfriend.

If you step into enough of these puddles, you are probably going to piss off your ex. So let’s not.

Bear in mind, this list not in any specific order so to speak, though I try to lay out these ex back screw ups that people can make in accordance with how one typically progresses through their breakup

12 Mistakes You Don’t Want To Make When Trying To Get Your Ex Back

stepping into trouble

1. Avoid Going Into the Blame You Mode With Your Ex

It is easy for us to give in to our natural impulses.  That can be a huge mistake if you allow the relationship to degrade into a series of fights about who is “more right” or who did “wrong”.   They say that in our brain, there are essentially two processing centers.  On the left side of our brain is the rationale side, where we use reason and analyze things before speaking or acting. On the right side of our brain is the emotional control center where our creativity and the spark of feelings and emotions (good and bad) can rise up at any time.

You don’t want to be ruled by emotions that lift you away without thought, possibly making the relationship even worse.  If you want to make inroads  with your ex, then avoid playing the blame game or ramping up the negativity by falling prey to using unkind words or harsh reactions.

2. Never Get Down On Yourself

It can be easy to get down on ourselves, particularly if your ex girlfriend or boyfriend has dumped you. 

The last thing you want to do is compound things – making them worse for your ex to feel attracted to you again.  And guess what?  Your ex is likely not going to be attracted to someone who is acting depressed and feeling bad for themselves all the time. It can be a turn-off. 

Negativity and sour moods can suck all of the positive vibes right out of you or whatever connection you are trying to form with your ex girlfriend or boyfriend..  Your ex, whether they realize or not, is naturally attracted to a person who makes them feel good to be around. 

So leverage that if and when you get a chance.

3. Don’t Allow Your Emotions to Seize Control When Trying To Get Your Ex Back

Sometimes our emotions can outrun us and before we know it, we are a mess. 

Just know that after a breakup, you are going to be more vulnerable to the impulses of wanting to cajole, beg, and plead for your ex to come back.  These feelings of desperation that will wash over you need to be recognized for what they are – namely mood breakers and personal power reducers.

Now it’s OK to have a good cry in private. And if you need to throw yourself into some wild and crazy workout or some other activity to help temper the pain that is inside you, seemingly welling up at the worst times, then by all means do so. 

But don’t let your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend see you at your worst, coming apart at the seams.  While they may feel bad for you, it’s not going to cause them to beat a path directly to your door and rescue you.  They are more likely to turn away from you as they, on a subconscious level, would rather not be around you when you are in a bad way.  This is particularly the case if you are abusive and overly aggressive.

4. Stop Yourself From Rushing to Judgement

Following a breakup, one of the biggest screw ups we can make is rushing to judge.

You may think or even say to your ex that he or she is the worse person you have ever come to know.  All of this pent up anger and resentment may come pouring out of you and you may quickly arrive at the belief that they are to blame for everything and are not deserving to have you. 

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Consequently, if you have these puffed up notions of how everything is “their fault” and you did nothing wrong, you will just  disillusion your ex and set things back even more.

You can also do harm to your chances of getting your ex back if you give up to soon, thinking your chances are doomed.  So rushing to a conclusion about anything, particularly immediately following the breakup is almost always a slippery slope. 

It is best to allow for some time and space to bring things back into balance.  When emotions run high, logic runs low.  So slow things down.  

5. Don’t Be Impulsive In Selecting Your Ex Recovery Plan

avoid impulsive actions

One of the most important decisions you will need to make is what kind of Ex Back Plan you will need to implement to get the best results.

You have options and rushing into one approach versus another could make the difference of you making things far worse or coming out of this with your dignity restored and your ex open to trying again.

No Contact is a popular strategy and it can be effective for many situations. But it is not the only way to proceed.  And even if you do choose to implement No Contact, there are many different elements that is part of the NC Rule and each one of them needs to be done correctly.  So don’t impulsively rush into a plan until you have thought it out and understand its risks and rewards and very importantly, how to implement it properly.

6. Not Implementing the No Contact Properly With Your Ex Can Land You in Trouble!

A lot of people tell me they are doing No Contact.  But when I peel back the layers, it turns out they don’t understand how it actually works.  And I don’t blame them for struggling a bit with it because there is so much information out there about it and sometimes people get the wrong idea about how it works.  

You see, there are a lot of elements to NC.  It’s not just a matter of if and when you should do it, but you need to understand how it works – how all the no contact puzzle pieces fit together.

One needs to consider how long their No Contact period should last.  That is very long discussion just by itself.  You also need to know if you should make an exception with your ex girlfriend or boyfriend.  Can you end it early?  What factors should you consider?  

Another aspect people don’t appreciate enough is how much of a difference the No Contact Rule can make in their personal lives.  In my eBook, “Ex Recovery Pro” I walk you through all of the things you should know about this key ex back ex recovery strategy. 

So don’t make the mistake of failing to understand how NC can make a real difference in your efforts to get your ex back.

7. Choosing To Use No Contact Prematurely Is a Big Mistake

Another consideration you need to take into account is whether implementing No Contact is the right solution for your situation.  Possibly, it would be better to just do nothing for awhile and let things settle.

Maybe the breakup was a result of a sudden, big blow up and after things have calmed down, you and your ex might be able to work your way through the problem.

So don’t be in a rush to prescribe a fix for your relationship breakup.  This is particularly the case if you have been together for quite a few years.  Allow that traction you have built up over the years  can naturally pull you back into each other’s orbits, with solutions in hand.

8. Ending Your No Contact Too Soon May Be One Of The Worst Mistakes You Can Make

Well, guess what?  I am not through talking about No Contact!

You need to know that one of the biggest problems I see in this ex recovery business is when you lose all your patience and succumb to your impulses, breaking down and contacting your ex.  It can seem innocent enough and you will likely come up with all kinds of rationalizations for why you chose to break off No Contact.  But more often than not, it’s a mistake.  

Don’t be surprised if your ex reaches out to you – perhaps yanking your chain in the way only he or she understands to get your attention.  If they are fishing for a response, don’t fall for the trap.  Because it probably is not time talk.  Especially if you are in the early process of No Contact.

Now if your are thoroughly confused about how all this works and when you can make an exception to speak with your ex, consider picking up a copy of my Special Topic eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”.

9. Not Understanding When You SHOULD Make An Exception to No Contact

Interestingly, while some people are eager to talk with their ex boyfriend or girlfriend, willing to break off No Contact because they just can’t resist not responding; there are others who are the opposite.

There are some people who follow the No Contact Rule religiously to the very end, irrespective of how many times their ex has reached out to them.  Now, I realize I said earlier that it’s usually best not to take the bait and end No Contact to talk to your ex too soon.  But sometimes an exception is appropriate.  There are about a half dozen factors to consider and among them is whether your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend have made positive, good faith efforts at trying to reach out.  If that has happened multiple times and most of the other factors fall into place (things like the years together, frequency of breakups, how far along you are in NC, etc), then an exception may be in play.

10. Failing To Enhance Your Value In the Eyes of Your Ex

impress her with your value

One of the things you should be doing while the two of your are separated is working toward increasing or reinforcing your value in the eyes of your ex. 

For them to miss you, not only can they not have access to you, but they also need to see all your wonderful qualities and some new ones too.

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So that means you need to focus on being the best version of “you” that you possibly can.  And you should be using social media and your friends network to demonstrate how you are getting on with the world about.

11. Not Knowing How to Reconnect With Your Ex

Another mistake you might make in trying to get your ex back is using the wrong approach when you seek to re-start communications. 

Some people are so eager out of the gate, they try too hard, swinging for the proverbial relationship fences.  But that approach seldom works.  Coming on too often and too strong can signal desperation.  It can also relieve you of much of your personal power.

So take things slow when you try to reconnect with your ex and learn more about how that process works.  I get into it all in great detail in my flagship product, “Ex Recovery Pro”.

12. Not Investing Time To Safeguard Your Relationship From Future Problems

So if you have worked your tail off to get back in your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend’s life and have been successful, don’t drop the ball by not working with your ex to address the very problems that got you in this mess to begin with.

That means you need to take time (at the right time) and work with your ex in a positive manner to identify what the two of you can do to avoid falling into these breakup traps.

I have written several eBooks that deal with how couples can  effectively manage through their conflict.  I actually offer a Conflict Assessment Tool that is designed to help you identify the trouble spots in your relationship and do something about them.	

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