I have talked a lot about the no contact rule on this website yet I have never really written an in-depth guide covering it. Well, that mistake ends today as this is going to be the most complete guide ever created on the no contact rule.
(FYI, there are a lot of incredible guides out there on the no contact rule so I definitely have my work cut out for me.)
I guess I want to start off by saying that this guide is going to be very unique in that I have never quite written anything like it before for this website.
What do I mean by that?
Well, this website is called Ex Girlfriend Recovery meaning that it is mostly focused on helping men get their ex girlfriends back (or even helping them get over their ex girlfriends.) Thus, all of the pages on this website up until this point have been applicable to men attempting to get their ex girlfriends back.
The reason that this guide is unique is that the no contact rule is a universal rule that can be used by both men and women. Thus, the information that I am providing on this page can be applied by both men and women in their relationships.
Of course, this site is made for men so there will always be a bias towards situations in which a man is trying to win his ex girlfriend back but if you are a woman who somehow ended up on this page please don’t be scared away because of the bias. Remember, the no contact rule is a universal rule that you can use for your situation too.
Is The No Contact Rule All I Need To Get My Ex Back?
There is a common misconception that I see all too often on this site. A lot of my readers make the mistake of believing that completing the no contact rule is all that they need to do in order to win their exes affections back.
While the no contact rule is an essential part of the “get your ex back” process but it’s not everything that you have to do in order to be successful. In fact, I would say that just by completing the no contact rule you are only through half the battle. I mean, wouldn’t it be weird to expect that your ex would want you back after you ignored them for a certain amount of time?
No, often times you have to reconnect with them after no contact, re-build trust, re-build attraction and go on a few dates before they are ready to re-commit to you.
Will this guide teach you how to do that?
No, I am just focusing on the no contact rule with this guide but don’t panic yet. I want you to know that I have your back when it comes to getting your ex back. So much so that I wrote up a 30,000 word guide that pretty much walks you through the entire process of winning an ex back.
I call it, Ex Girlfriend Recovery PRO.
If you are curious as to how this entire process of winning an ex back works then I highly recommend you read up on it through Ex Girlfriend Recovery PRO.
Why You Should Listen To Me About The No Contact Rule
I find that every expert out there has a different definition for how they define the no contact rule. Which expert is right?
Why me of course 😉 .
All kidding aside, my definition of the no contact rule has actually changed from when I first started my little online project of helping men and women get back with their exes a few years ago. You see, when I first started advising people I only knew the bare minimum about the no contact rule and while I was able to help a lot of people with my knowledge I really didn’t know as much as I do now.
How did I gain this knowledge.
I am the owner and operator of two websites that help men and women get back with their exes, Ex Boyfriend Recovery and Ex Girlfriend Recovery. Through these two sites I have been able to see the no contact rule performed thousands of times.
Don’t believe me?
Take a look at the graphics below,
These two screenshots are of all the comments I have moderated for these two websites. So, as you can see I have literally seen over 40,000 situations involving exes most of which involved the no contact rule. As a result of dealing with this many situations I was able to figure out a lot about what works about the no contact rule and what doesn’t work with it but perhaps the most important thing I was able to get was what you can do to shore up the weaknesses of the no contact rule.
I am a firm believer that in order for people to take your advice you have to prove to them that you know a thing or two about what you are talking about so there are my credentials for you as to why you should listen to me on the no contact rule over my peers.
After all, the proof is in the pudding and I have ate a lot of pudding!
Now, I feel like I have beaten around the bush enough so lets cut right to the chase,
What exactly Is the no contact rule?
My Definition Of The No Contact Rule
The no contact rule is actually a very easy concept to understand. The complications to it really come in when you add other extracurricular factors into the equation. For now I don’t want you to worry about those extracurricular factors.
Don’t worry, I will be covering those factors in-depth on this guide but for now I would just like to focus on the no contact rule in it’s most simple form.
So, what is the no contact rule?
The No Contact Rule- A specific period of time where you ignore your ex in every form imaginable. If he/she contacts you through text messages, calls or even the internet you ignore him/her.
Now, I would like to break the definition above up into two different sections so I can help you understand what a real NC rule is.
What are the two sections that we are dividing the definition above up into?
I am glad you asked,
Section 1- A specific period of time where you ignore your ex in every form imaginable.
Section 2- If he/she contacts you through text messages, calls or even the internet you ignore him/her
Section One- Ignoring Your Ex For A Specific Period Of Time
Above I pointed out that I have seen the no contact rule used a lot from men and women just like you. I can’t tell you how many times that I have shaken my head with disappointment on how often people screw it up because they don’t pay attention to what I mean when I tell them that the no contact rule is just meant to be used for a specific period of time.
Yes, there are some idiots out there that actually think the no contact rule is permanent until your ex talks to you.
Yep, you read that right, they are idiots who are lazy because they refused to read the actual definition.
You are only supposed to use the no contact rule for a set period of time and then after that period of time has concluded it is up to you to take the necessary steps afterwards to win your ex back (read Ex Girlfriend Recovery PRO for more information on that part of the process.)
This begs the question, how long should this set period of time be?
Well, my experience with the no contact rule in the past has taught me some very important lessons.
For one, a lot of men and women have trouble completing it which makes a massive no contact rule (like a time period of 60 days) hard to complete. Also, if you use a long no contact time period (like the 60 days one) the risk of your ex moving on to someone else is a lot higher. However, at the same time if you come back to your ex too soon with a super short no contact period then not enough time has passed for them to realistically want to take you back.
Of course, probably the most important thing that I have learned through my experiences with the no contact rule is that no two situations are alike. There is no such thing as a universal no contact rule that is perfect for every situation. For example, someone who really needs space or needs to be alone for a long period of time will react better to a 45 day no contact rule versus a 21 day one. Of course, then we can look at the other side of the coin when you have a person who can’t go very long without interaction. For someone like this the 21 day no contact rule is deal versus a 45 day one.
Do you see what I mean when I say that there is truly no such thing as a universal no contact rule?
As a result of my knowledge I have came up with three different time periods for the no contact rule that are effective in most situations. However, it is really up to YOU to choose which one of these no contact rules are perfect for your situation.
What are the three different time periods?
The 21 Day Rule
This time frame is perfect for a situation where an ex is getting really antsy when you are ignoring them. For example, lets say that you start your no contact rule and on day one your ex texts you. Then on day three he or she texts you again. Then on day five you get a message like this,
Now, your first instinct when you see a message like that is to break NC and go into apologizing mode for “playing games.” Don’t give in to that temptation. Instead just know that for someone like this, someone who is really troubled by your lack of attention to them, the 21 day rule is perfect because it allows enough time to go by for them to miss you and also for you to regain some control of the situation.
Of course, you can’t mess around with people like this with long no contact rules like the 30 day rule and the 45 day rule. While you may be able to get away with the 30 day rule you aren’t likely to get away with the 45 day rule with an ex who requires attention on this level.
The 30 Day Rule
The 30 day no contact rule is the standard no contact rule that most of the experts out there say to implement.
Obviously I also recommend it but not in the same way that most of the other experts out there recommend it but more on that later. The 30 day period is perfect for women who don’t contact you very much during the no contact period.
What constitutes a woman not contacting you very much?
Well, if a woman contacts you only once during the NC rule then the 30 day rule is probably ideal.
Because it will give her enough time to miss you on a deep level. Of course, my experience has taught me a pretty clever trick when it comes to the 30 day rule. Most of the gurus out there that teach people about the no contact rule are iron clad about their beliefs on it.
They will tell you things like,
“You have to finish out the entire 30 days…”
“You can’t ever alter the no contact rule…”
Out of the three different no contact rules that I am recommending here I would say that without a doubt I recommend the 21 day rule the most.
Why do you think that is?
Well, for one it is the easiest for men to complete. However, that isn’t the real reason. The real reason is the fact that most people end up going crazy when you ignore them and the 21 day rule is perfect for dealing with people like that.
The real flaw with the longer no contact rules like the 30 day rule and the 45 day rule is that when you start them you have no idea how your ex is going to react.
Are they going to go crazy and threaten to cut you out of their lives forever or will they be just as stubborn as you?
So, here is my clever little solution to this problem. Lets say that you decide that you want to implement the no contact rule for 30 days and your ex goes crazy by contacting you 10 times. Well, in this case I think it would be smart to alter your no contact rule down to 21 days.
Of course, the same type or principle can be applied to the 21 day no contact period. If your ex doesn’t contact you at all you can extend your no contact rule from 21 days to 30 or 45 days.
Lets move on to the 45 day rule now.
The 45 Day Rule
The 45 day rule is perfect for people who have done something really bad in their relationships.
For example, if you cheated on your ex multiple times with multiple different people then something tells me that he or she isn’t going to get over that in 21 days or even 30 days. No, it may take 45 days before they are willing to even formulate words to you.
So, the 45 day rule is all about knowing your personal situation with your ex.
For example, a regular breakup that ended on pretty decent terms isn’t going to require a 45 day rule.
Of course, like I explained above with the 30 day rule I like to tell people that the NC rules are interchangeable on the fly. So, if you find that your ex is really getting antsy about you ignoring him or her you might be better off altering the no contact rule to a shorter time frame.
Section Two- If he/she contacts you through text messages, calls or even the internet you ignore him/her
The essence of the no contact rule is going to revolve around your ability to ignore your ex.
It’s as simple as that.
What are the ways that you can communicate with a past lover?
Off the top of my head here are the ways that come to mind,
- Over the phone
- Through texting
- Through email
- Writing letters
- In person
Basically if you and your ex can somehow get in contact with one another I want you to stay away from them on it. That means that if they contact you, you have to ignore them and if you feel the urge to contact them you cannot.
This is a full freeze out lasting for the time period you chose above.
Just so I really hammer this point home I want to give you a common example that I come across.
Lets say that you decide to use the 21 day rule no contact rule on your ex and everything is going good and on day 5 your ex reaches out to you. In this case you would have to ignore them. The only time that you would ever be able to contact them is after your no contact period has completed.
Ok, lets do another hypothetical.
Lets say that on day 14 of your 21 day no contact rule your ex is having a birthday. Are you allowed to contact them to wish them a happy birthday?
I know its cruel but under no circumstances can you break the no contact rule.
Actually, that isn’t entirely true.
There are a few circumstances where you will be forced to break the no contact rule.
What are those circumstances.
Times You Are Forced To Break The No Contact Rule
A few days ago a man who is trying to get his girlfriend back contacted me with a very interesting question.
“How can I do the no contact rule if I live with my ex?”
As I said above, there are a few circumstances where no matter what you do you are going to be forced to alter your no contact rule. Luckily, 75% of you won’t have to alter your no contact rule but for those of you that will this section is for you.
Below I have compiled a list of all the situations which require you to slightly break the no contact rule and what to do in those situations.
Lets start with a common one.
You Work With Your Ex
Obviously it is going to be impossible to do a full out no contact rule if you work with your ex for a number of reasons but mainly because you have to retain a working relationship with him or her. I can’t tell you how many times I get questions about how to approach this situation on a daily basis.
Here are my thoughts on how to handle no contact in this particular instance.
Lets say that you have decided that you are going to attempt the 21 day rule but you work with your ex. The question you are wondering at this point is if no contact is even going to be possible for you.
It will be.
For 21 days you are going to implement the no contact rule meaning you ignore your exes every attempt of communication towards you. In the instances where work forces you to communicate with each other then it is ok to communicate as long as you keep it strictly about the business.
If your ex tries to bring up the relationship then you need to very kindly tell him or her that you are not ready to talk about the relationship yet.
In other words, keep things strictly business.
After your 21 days are up then you can begin the same re-attraction plan that everyone else on this site goes through after the no contact rule.
Lets take a look at another situation that requires you to alter your no contact plans.
If You Live With Your Ex
I see this situation crop up quite a lot.
Usually what happens is that a couple who is living together gets into a massive argument which prompts them to break up and then they are forced to live together in awkwardness until their living situation is worked out.
I will admit that the no contact rule is probably the least effective in this situation since you see this person every single day but that doesn’t mean that it’s not going to work. A lot of the effectiveness of the no contact rule here is going to depend on how you handle your no contact rule alteration.
What alterations have to be made.
Well, in the instances where you are forced to talk with your ex about something stay away from your past relationship at all costs.
I would also like you to be very positive and upbeat. Don’t project a negative vibe because people are turned off by someone with a negative vibe.
Also, try to keep things relatively short in conversations that you are forced to have. Remember, be friendly and nice but also be kind of short until your no contact time period has completed.
If You Have Kids With Your Ex
Another situation where I see people having to break the no contact rule is when they share a child with their ex.
The no contact alteration here is actually quite simple.
Only break the no contact rule when you have to talk about your kids.
If your ex even brings up anything about your old relationship, starts flirting with you or doing anything else that isn’t about the kids then you simply don’t respond or you end the conversation immediately.
Your communication with your ex should be all about your kids and that’s it.
If Your Ex Wants His Things Back
If you are in a relationship long enough then most likely the two of you shared things throughout your time together.
Maybe he or she left something at your place and you left something at his/her place.
Whatever the case one of the most common reach outs during the no contact rule for exes is the infamous, “how are we going to exchange things?” question.
What is the best way to approach this situation during the no contact rule?
I am of the belief that you are absolutely entitled to your things just like they are so this is one of those situations where you can break no contact to give/get things. However, if you find yourself in this situation then there are a few guidelines that you have to follow.
First off, any communication or meetup with your ex to exchange items should be only about the items. If your ex tries to bring up your old relationship or asks you about the relationship you feed them this line,
“I’m not ready to talk about our relationship yet.”
Keep all your interactions with them about the things you are exchanging. After the big “exchange” is over then just slip right back into NC.
What To Do When You Are In No Contact
You didn’t think you were just going to sit around and wait for the NC to conclude did you?
A common mistake I see of my visitors and even my clients is the fact that they are lazy when it comes to the no contact rule. You see, they expect the no contact rule to do all the work for them.
The no contact rule itself isn’t just about attempting to make your ex miss you and realize what they’ve lost. It’s also about rebuilding yourself into a person your ex cannot possibly say no to. So, while you are ignoring your ex boyfriend or girlfriend you should also simultaneously be working on yourself to be the best version of yourself that ever existed.
Think of it like this.
If you were a dating a girl you really loved (I am assuming you are man here since this website is tailored more towards males) and she broke up with you, you would probably be very upset. But lets say that you were to use a 21 day no contact rule on her and during this 21 day no contact rule you transformed yourself into her version of Brad Pitt (see below.)
So, what we have here is a situation where the no contact rule is probably forcing her to reminisce/miss you and you are turning yourself into Brad Pitt. How can she possibly say no to that when you ask her if she wants to get back together?
So, how do we create this Brad Pitt effect during the no contact rule?
Well, I’d like to divide things up into two different sections.
- Mental Changes
- Physical Changes
Lets first start with the mental changes since they are much more complicated to achieve.
No one is perfect during relationships.
Your ex is certainly not…
However, just because we aren’t perfect doesn’t mean we should stop striving to be. In other words, you have to adopt a samurai mentality.
Now, I know exactly what you are thinking.
“Wait, did I read that right? A samurai?”
Yes, a samurai.
You see, back in the day samurais had a certain mentality. Every single day they would work on their technique or skills to become better at them. They wanted to become perfect even though they knew that it was impossible to achieve. So, every day they practiced and improved to a point where they were almost perfect.
For them it was a never ending chase for something impossible to achieve, perfection.
I want you to adopt this type of a mentality when it comes to your time during the no contact rule.
I want you to look at what went wrong in your relationship on your side and shore up your weaknesses.
For example, lets say that towards the end of your relationship with your ex you were a bit clingy or you had a bunch of fights over stupid things. Well, during the no contact rule I want you to adjust your mindset to where you won’t be clingy and where you wont take insignificant stuff so personally that you are willing to fight over it.
Remember, you are a samurai now and samurais are always trying to achieve perfection.
Of course, achieving perfection when it comes to exes has more to do then just your mentality. You also have to take a look at the physical side.
We live in a pretty vain society.
A lot of how we judge people now-a-days is based solely on looks. Now, a lot of people out there are going to tell you that who you are on the inside is what really matters and while I definitely agree with them I think that in order for people to see who you are on the inside you have to first convince them on the outside.
Of course, we are talking about a very unique situation here.
You are using the no contact rule to get your ex back which means your ex already knows who you are to a certain extent.
However, we talked about the samurai mentality above and improving your personality so we have that covered but what I really want for you is to have a crazy before and after moment.
A few years ago I was in a hotel room late at night flipping through the channels and I happened to stumble across one of those insane fitness routines that they are always pitching where they have those incredible before and after shots like the one you see below,
This gave me an idea.
“Hmm… what if someone used the no contact rule to have a before and after moment like these people.”
The beauty of the no contact rule is that not only does it give you time to work on yourself but it also gives you time away from your ex to have a before and after moment.
Look, your ex has a certain way they view you before the no contact rule. Well, after the no contact rule your aim is to shatter their view of you and create a new one.
I suppose the question you are wondering now is,
“How do I have a moment like this?”
How To Create Your Before/After Moment
Creating a before and after moment isn’t just about losing weight (though if you could lose a few pounds then you had better do that.)
No, creating a perfect before and after moment is about upgrading your style, grooming, having good hygiene and looking like you are the envy of others.
One of the most interesting before and after shots that I have ever seen has to do with the famous celebrity David Beckham.
Take a look below,
To me it doesn’t even look like the same person.
Now, we do have to take into account that in the before picture above Beckham looks to be about 16 and in the after picture he looks to be about 30 but push that aside for a moment. I want you to take a look at all the improvements that were made after the before picture.
The first thing that comes to mind here is the fact that his hairstyle is different.
It just so happens that Beckham can pull off the buzz cut hairstyle. In fact, he can pull it off so well that he might even look better with it. The next thing I want you to notice is his complexion. He looks like he has gotten his fair share of sun in the after picture while in the before picture he is a bit paler.
Next I want you to take notice of his style in the after picture.
His style clearly makes him look more confident and attractive.
So, as you can see, it takes more than just losing weight to have a great before and after moment.