I got a really interesting email from a client yesterday that I thought I would share here since it’s pretty relevant to what this article is about.
Of course, before I tell you about the email I need to give you a bit of background.
Now, legally I am not allowed to share this persons name so let’s just call him “Jack.”
So, Jack was dating this girl named, Gretchen and they were madly in love,
Of course, the two of them eventually went through a really nasty breakup because this is “Ex Girlfriend Recovery” and I wouldn’t be telling you this story if there wasn’t a breakup.
But that’s when Jack began to notice something really interesting.
Immediately after the breakup Gretchen was super cold and quite frankly a little mean to him UNTIL she started going through a tough time in her personal life and that’s when she started leaning on him.
She started using him as an emotional crutch.
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Of course, Jack started getting giddy with excitement since he was sure that this was a sign that the two of them would be reunited soon. In fact, he became so excited he started becoming flirty and made a few moves to progress things (against my wishes) and guess who was there to stop him?
Jack was confused,
How can she tell me all of these nice things and have all these emotionally charged conversations with me and not want to re-enter a relationship?
The answer was simple, she was using him.
Does this sound familiar?
Well, it should because it’s the topic of this entire article.
You see, you probably clicked on this article trying to figure out if your ex girlfriend is using you and I am certainly going to answer that question for you by giving you one of my most coveted techniques for understanding the mind of a woman.
However, for a lot of the men who wind up on this page they aren’t just going to be wondering if their ex girlfriends are using them. Nope, they are going to be wondering what to do if that’s the case.
And that’s where the meat of this article is going to come into play.
It’s my intention to create a game plan that you can implement to get out of the “using zone.”
Using Zone: It’s kind of like the friend zone except instead of being actual friends with your girlfriend you are only called upon when she wants something from you. In other words, she is just using you to fulfill her needs.
So, essentially here’s everything you are going to get out of this incredible page,
- I am going to teach you a secret technique to determine if your ex girlfriend is using you
- I am also going to teach you what to do if you learn your ex girlfriend is using you
Why Would An Ex Girlfriend Try To Use You?
Not a lot of people realize this but recovering from a break up is essentially the same as going through a withdrawal period.
That’s what happens.
Stony Brook University conducted a study a few years ago monitoring the affect that a breakup has on individuals and the results they found were pretty astonishing.
They analyzed brain scans and found a link between rejection and craving cocaine.
Now, think about that for a moment.
If you get rejected by your ex you will crave their love like cocaine.
That’s insane but I can’t tell you how many times I have seen people do irrational things to get the attention of their ex.
Take Jackie, one of my coaching clients.
I had given her strict instructions not to text her ex until after the holidays (it was Christmas time at this point) and that’s when she had this epiphany,
I don’t want him back… I just want to move on Chris!
Well, it didn’t last very long.
All it took was her friend to tell her that he was dating someone new to send her off the deep end.
Not only did she text him… but after he didn’t respond she decided to call him and when he didn’t respond to that she decided to drive over to his house to try and get his attention that way.
Now, this is the type of behavior that someone looking for a drug fix is going to engage in, right?
People do crazy things when they go through breakups and the reason I am hitting this point home for you is the fact that your ex girlfriend actually has a really good reason to try and use you.
She’s going through a traumatic time.
Oftentimes men lose sight of this fact since they focus so much of their energies thinking about their own needs.
Think of it this way, your ex girlfriend IS craving your attention and that’s why she is using you.
She is going through that same withdrawal period that you are and she knows that if she can get a quick fix by making you meet her needs her life can be a little easier.
But how do you even know if she is using you?
Simple, you use my secret technique that has never failed me.
My Secret Technique
In order for this technique to make sense I first need to give you a bit of training.
Are you ready,
No… not training like that.
Training your mind!
Ok, there are two concepts that I need you to learn about.
You see, human beings often communicate by telling you that they are going to do something.
They do this by using words.
For example, if I say,
I am going to teach you how to figure out if your ex girlfriend is using you
Then you are going to expect me to teach you how to learn if your ex is using you.
Ah… but those are just words. I haven’t actually done it yet have I?
That’s where actions come into play.
Where words communicate, actions convey.
So, you become under the impression that I am going to teach you to figure out if your ex is using you by telling you with words. However, having me actually teach you is an action that fulfills the promise I made with words.
In other words, with actions and words you can determine the true intent of what someone means when they tell you something.
I’ll give you an example that will hit a little closer to home.
Let’s say that you are on a date with your ex girlfriend and she says something like this to you,
“I really missed you so much. I want to see you again as soon as possible.”
So, with these words she essentially told you two things.
- That she missed you
- That she wants to see you again as soon as possible
But how do you know if she means them?
Words are simply words.
They aren’t actions.
Well, the answer is simple. Instead of formulating your opinion on the spot study your exes actions.
For example, you will know that your ex girlfriend misses you if she starts texting you and calling you all the time.
Those are actions that make sense for someone who misses you.
You will also know that she wants to see you again if she doesn’t cancel your next date together at the last minute or if she goes out of her way to secure a date with you.
Ok, now that I have given you the necessary training to understand my “secret technique” let’s talk about it.
The “String Along” Theory
You aren’t stupid.
Your ex girlfriend certainly understands that.
How do I know this?
I have been doing this for a very long time.
Half a decade to be exact.
My content has been lucky enough to have been read by millions of men and women and has been commented on hundreds of thousands of times. I have also been blessed enough to work with clients directly who tell me everything.
After living and breathing this stuff every day of my life certain things have become clear.
One of those things is the fact that someone who is using you to get their needs met is going to string you along.
Stringing You Along = Tell you what you want to hear in the hopes that they can continue using you without you freaking out on them.
So, an ex girlfriend who is using you is going to make you believe that she wants to get back with you but when push comes to shove there is always something in the way that prevents it from happening.
It’s kinda like that joke from How I Met Your Mother about “right now,”
(HIMYM right now)
Has the light bulb went off yet?
Have you figured out where words and actions fit in yet?
Ok, I guess I will have to spell it out for you.
Here’s how my super secret technique works.
If you operate under the assumption that an ex girlfriend who is using you is going to string you along with false hope you can utilize my words/actions technique to get the truth of it.
So, let’s say that your ex girlfriend says something like,
“I really want to see you”
Sit back and study her actions. If she really wants to see you she will make time to see you.
Actions are what matter here.
If her actions don’t match her words it’s a pretty good bet that your ex could be using you.
What To Do If You Determine Your Ex Girlfriend Is Using You?
So, let’s pretend that you have determined that your ex girlfriend is using you.
What are you supposed to do then?
Well, the way I see it is you have you two choices at that point.
- Continue to be used
- Not be used anymore
Give me a show of hands: how many of you vote for “not being used anymore?”
I’m seeing a lot of hands.
But for those of you who didn’t vote for “not being used anymore” I totally get where you are coming from.
You are probably sitting there thinking that one day she will wake up and realize what a great guy you are because you are always there for her.
Am I right?
Well, I hate to break the news to you but in my vast experience this rarely ever happens.
In fact, what usually happens is a woman will place a guy she uses as an emotional crutch in the “friend zone” and we all know how difficult it is to get out of there,
And that’s kind of what this entire fear of being used is all about, right?
I mean, most men know that if a girl uses you for “emotional support” you are going to end up the friend zone.
It’s why you went to Google and typed in a phrase that ultimately lead you to this article.
And yet when I explain the fact that if your ex girlfriend uses you it’s going to end with you being in the friend zone to men they seem resistant to change their behavioral patterns.
Now, I am not judging.
I get the fact that change is hard.
Especially when you hear HOW I want you to change your behavioral patterns.
So, before I freak you out with what you are going to need to do to get your ex girlfriend to stop using you (and potentially win her back) I want to talk about behavioral patterns.
Your Current Behavioral Pattern
So, let’s take a big step and look at the way things currently are with your ex girlfriend.
Right now, at this very moment (if you determined that your ex girlfriend was using you) your behavior pattern probably looks like this,
So, essentially whats happening here is your ex girlfriend has this moment where she wants emotional support from you and in that moment that’s when she asks for it.
Of course with you being the good guy that you are, you give it to her.
And then after your support is given that behavior is reinforced.
Meaning that she knows she can count on you.
So she does it again and again and again and again.
What’s more is that every time you let her use you, you are reinforcing that behavior in yourself to the point that it becomes a routine.
In other words, it’s almost like your ex girlfriend has trained you to come to her rescue whenever there is a problem.
So, in order to prevent yourself from being used you need to break the behavioral pattern that your ex girlfriend has become used to.
That would look something like this,
By doing this you are going to reinforce a new type of behavior,
One where your ex is going to start craving your support and approval.
Now, you may be sitting back and thinking,
What’s the big deal? Why is this even important?
Ah, an excellent question.
In my line of work one thing you learn really quickly is the fact that no two situations are created equally.
I’ll give you an example.
Let’s say that two men come to Ex Girlfriend Recovery wanting to get their exes back.
One of the men is in the friend zone,
Sorry…. Sorry… but come on that GIF is hilarious.
Ok, so one of the men is in the friend zone and the other isn’t.
Which one of these men do you think has an easier starting point for success?
It’s obviously the man who isn’t in the friend zone.
So, here is the gist of what I am trying to say.
If you can stop yourself from being used and actually get your ex to start craving your support it’s going to be a much better starting point for you assuming you want to get your ex girlfriend back.
Of course, this begs the ultimate question,
How the hell do you break your current behavior pattern?
How To Break Your Current Behavior Pattern
Let’s say that you determine your ex girlfriend is using you and you want to break the behavioral pattern.
How do you do that?
Well, I have a bit of good news and bad news.
Which do you want first?
The good news?
Ok, breaking your current behavior pattern is super easy.
Let’s pretend that your ex girlfriend sends you this text,
This is clearly an attempt by your ex girlfriend to use you for emotional support.
(Now, before we go any further I want to make one thing very clear. What I am about to say is on applicable for men who know that they are being used. If you aren’t being used by your ex girlfriend then disregard everything I am about to say.)
So, what are you supposed to do.
Well, the way I see it is you have two choices,
Which choice do you think is correct?
Choice #2 clearly!
In other words, what I am getting at here is that if you identify your ex using you then you need to remove yourself from the situation immediately OR say no before you get caught up in the situation in the first place.
Of course, that’s the good news.
Let’s look at the bad news.
Understanding what you have to do is one thing.
Actually doing it is an entirely different matter.
I have seen men fail time and time again because they just can’t bear seeing their ex girlfriends hurt or they can’t bear to hurt their ex girlfriends feelings.
Do you know what that sounds like that to me?
That sounds like this guy,
Sorry, sorry, that cracks me up every time.
Look, I just want you to realize that this isn’t going to be easy. It’s going to be controversial as your ex girlfriend will lash out for sure.
But I’ll just leave it in the words of good ole Albert Einstein.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time.
You haven’t gotten your ex girlfriend back by letting the way things unfold they currently have.
The only way you’ll ever have a legitimate shot is if you change things up.
Or more specifically, change your behavior pattern!