This is a super detailed guide on dissecting why your ex girlfriend acts like you don’t exist.
In this new tutorial you’ll learn:
Why your ex pretends you don’t exist
Why they ghost you
The role attachment styles play into this behavior
Let’s dive right in so you know how to handle this very difficult situation.
Why Your Ex Pretends You Don’t Exist
So, this is a fairly simple question with two main reasons:
- Reason # 1: You were acting super obsessive and clingy after the breakup
- Reason # 2: It just deeply hurts them to think about the past in any way
I know these reasons aren’t exactly rocket science, but I think the real takeaway from this article should be the psychology behind why someone would even want to pretend you don’t exist. This psychology can best be described in relation to the four main attachment styles.
How Do Attachment Styles Play A Role Into Her Ignoring You?
So, if you aren’t aware attachment styles are basically ways to describe a persons behavior in their love life.
Taken directly from attachmentproject.com,
According to psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, one’s relationship with their parents during childhood has an overarching influence on their social (and intimate) relationships in the future. In other words, your early relationship with your caregivers sets the stage for how you will build relationships as an adult.
Today I’m going to talk to you about the four main attachment styles,
The Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment style is basically marked by discomfort with deep connection.
Typical behavior in people with this attachment style is things like ghosting or just believing that any display of deep emotion is overkill. Sometimes avoidants will even use humor to mask deeply emotional moments because they don’t know how to process them.
Does that sound anything like your ex?
Probably so because acting like you don’t exist is much more convenient and natural for your avoidant ex as opposed to actually letting their emotional guards down.
Your ex is probably so frightened by deep emotional connections that they’d rather not risk talking to you.
The Anxious Attachment
The opposite of avoidant attachment, anxious attachment fears the loss of connection.
People with this attachment style are almost always hopping on from one relationship to the other. They crave an emotional connection so bad that they cannot imagine life on their own.
How does this style fit in?
Well, you might not want to admit it but if your girlfriend is being avoidant to the point of acting like you don’t exist, you’re probably displaying some of this anxious attachment style. Remember reason one for why an ex would act like you don’t exist?
Yeah, it’s your obsessive and anxious attachment style that annoys and drives her away. The more anxious you are and the harder you try to get your ex back, the more avoidant she will be.
The Fearful Attachment
Fearful attachment combines the most challenging traits of anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
Think of it as the worst of both worlds. This style is often characterized by an internal tug of war where you will crave attention one minute and be super uncomfortable with it the next.
People with a fearful attachment style are unpredictable and will often self-sabotage their relationships.
Luckily, only 2% of the human population has this attachment style. In other words, there’s a safe 98% chance your ex is not a fearful attachment kind of person, so you don’t need to worry about it too much.
The Secure Attachment
Arguably the best attachment style, secure attachment involves a deep trust in having the fortitude to deal with the fear of loss.
The relationships of the secure type aren’t usually driven by fear. That’s not to say people with a secure attachment style don’t feel fear, they absolutely do. They just have the resolve, strength, and hope to not let that fear control their relationships.
They also know that there is more to them than a single relationship and that makes it easier to brace themselves for losing someone.
Why Attachment Styles Are So Important To Understand Why Your Ex Girlfriend Is Ghosting You
These are the two main takeaways about attachment styles for you to remember:
- Your ex-girlfriend is showing some classic avoidant behavior by acting like you don’t exist
- Getting to a secure attachment style is your best bet for getting over your ex’s behavior
If you’ve followed my recent work, you’ll know that I’ve been interviewing success stories of people who got their exes back from our private Facebook support group.
These interviews aren’t self-service because I truly don’t care if people followed my advice to a T, I just want to find trends and common themes in what made them successful. After all, they clearly did something right that others did not.
So, one of the key trends I found (and talked about extensively on my blog and youtube channel) was that each of the success stories described having a moment of clarity and mindset change.
They all reported getting to a mental and emotional place where they no longer cared if they got their ex back. They’d still probably welcome their ex back if it happened on its own, but they were not going to keep actively spending time worrying about their ex.
This was fascinating to me and I got so obsessed with this idea that I wrote a few articles and made videos about how important it was to find something else to focus on after your breakup so you can stop obsessing over your ex. The more time you spend on something else like your career, health, or relationships with others, the less you will find yourself thinking about your ex.
If this sounds familiar, I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this. I didn’t know this at the time but almost all our success stories were describing have some level of a shift from an anxious to a secure attachment style.
Our success stories mimic a secure attachment because they all experience a moment when they’re afraid of losing their ex but they’re willing to take that risk because they internally know they can overcome anything.
Can you honestly say that you’d be willing to lose your ex?
Probably not since you’re here worrying why your ex is acting like you don’t exist.
You’re worrying and probably showing an anxious attachment style because you want your ex-girlfriend back so badly that you’re willing to do anything.
Here’s the thing though – if you actually want your ex to pay attention to you again, it’s not about saying or doing the right thing, it’s about mimicking the secure attachment mentality.
You need to get a bit of that swagger where you understand that you are allowed to feel fear but you’ll be able to overcome the fear of losing your ex no matter what happens. If you can’t honestly say that, that’s what you need to work on.
You can start working towards a secure attachment style by diverting your time and energy towards other aspects of your life. Of course, it’ll be hard at first because it hurts to see your ex act like you don’t exist. However, if you just distract yourself and fake it till you make it, your ex will soon be the one who feels like they don’t exist.
Also, having a secure attachment style, especially after already having shown anxious attachment, might even intrigue your ex and make them curious about what changed. Maybe they thought you were a safety net they could go back to whenever they wanted, so as soon as they figure out you don’t care as much anymore, they might come back to ask why.
Your ex-girlfriend is ignoring you either because you’ve been acting too crazy after the breakup or because it’s too hurtful for her to think about you and your past relationship.
Either way, she’s exhibiting an avoidant attachment style by staying away from deep emotional connection.
On the other hand, you’re probably displaying an anxious attachment style by constantly annoying her by reaching out.
The best thing you can do is to work towards a secure attachment style where you stop obsessing over your ex and come to terms with the fact that you will be okay even if you lose them.