It’s never easy to read a closure text or letter from your ex, especially if you have it in your mind to get them back.
So today I’d like to talk about exactly what an ex means when they send you a closure text or letter and how you should handle it.
And if you stick around and read this article in its entirety I’m going to take a real life example of a closure text and dissect it before your very eyes.
What Does A Closure Text Or Letter Actually Mean?
I’m taking inspiration from a specific post on my private Facebook group to explain this point.
This group is undoubtedly one of my most proud achievements because it brings together all the men and women who have purchased my program and are going through breakups.
Seeing all these strangers come together to virtually help and support each other on their ex recovery journey is awesome because it helps me understand breakups so much better through the eyes of thousands of real people.
So I recently came across a post from a male member where his ex-girlfriend sent him essentially a closure text.
I took his permission to share that text message:
Now that has to hurt, right?
It was painful for me to even read that message because I’d never want to receive it so it’s probably way worse for anyone who gets such a message from their ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend.
So the big question:
Does an ex mean it when they send a closure text?
Yes, they mean it… at that moment.
That “at that moment” caveat is very important because such closure text messages are often sent when emotions are running high.
Your ex probably means it when they send this text message but it’s because they’re emotional. Those emotions can (and often do) change as time goes on and circumstances change.
How do I know this?
Well for the past few months I’ve been interviewing success stories of people who went through our program and got their exes back to understand what really WORKS.
What is the secret ingredient that sets these success stories apart from everyone else?
Now before I share that, I want to point out that even success stories have seen emotional closure messages from their exes.
And well, they’re success stories so those messages were clearly not as “Final” as it would have seemed.
In other words, if circumstances change your ex’s mind can change as well so the finality of a closure message is a very loose “yes”.
Ask any success story who’s heard the classic “I don’t love you anymore. We’re never getting back together again” lines from their ex.
Usually, it takes about 3-5 months to see an ex change their mind after sending a closure text.
What Women Actually Thought Of This Closure Text
Now let’s see what our Facebook group thought of the closure message this guy shared because let me tell you, this post was the subject of a lot of controversy.
People had different opinions on what the text meant and why it was sent, and I decided to analyze all those opinions and group them into the following four broad categories or outcomes:
- She is still hung up on him
- She’s not hung up on him/She’s over him
- Unsure/no opinion yet
- He is in this predicament due to his failure to abide by our program
These are all certainly plausible explanations and responses so I thought it best to read through all of them and chart them according to these categories. After all, even if someone’s opinion is different than mine, I can still learn something about the human psyche from them.
Before I get into the distribution of where people stood (Spoiler alert: most of them agreed with me), let’s see some examples of people who fell into these four categories:
His Ex Is Still Hung Up On Him
- “Nope girls don’t send long emotional breakup texts with compliments when they’re done with someone. Girls love to be chased”
- “What she’s written about moving on and no future with her is FAKE. This is too recent.”
- “I think she’s still emotional and she needs space. She sounds like she is still sorting out her feelings but every time you gnat her your chances are getting slimmer.
- “There is still hope for you. Just give her space and work on you. Some success stories have had ugly breakups and they still got back together with the ex.”
- “There’s some positive in there. Sounds like you share a kid so maybe it’s not 100% done.”
- “When I broke up with two of my ex-boyfriends, I would send this stuff THINKING I was done but I always went back LOL. It took sometimes four to five months, but I went back. It’s not hopeless I’d say.”
She is over him and truly wants closure
- “One thing is honesty and one thing is brutal honesty. I guess she’s being brutally honest. People do this when they are done move on”
No Solid Stance
- “I think you need to do a 45 day no contact. Do not break it – work on your life and revisit this later”
He Got Himself Into This Mess
- “I read some of your backstory. PLEASE stop breaking no contact. It sounds like you’ve done it several times and your breakup wasn’t that long ago. Your last text exchange was great you stayed in emotional control and didn’t give anything away not sure what the premise of this exchange was, but she is distancing herself more and more.
For now, she has made up her mind. Let her live with her decision for a while.”
Same text, so many different opinions!
The Ultimate Results Of Polling My Female Audience
All of them equally valid from the commenter’s perspective so let’s see how many people agreed with each point of view:
- 55% of people thought his ex-girlfriend was still hung up on him.
- 26% did not take a stance.
- 13% thought she was truly over him and just wanted to move on.
- 6% said he was in this situation because of his own circumstances and decisions.
These results basically affirm my personal opinion:
She sent the closure text as an emotional response and if circumstances change later, she might potentially change her mind.
Since the overwhelming majority (55%) thought she was still hung up on him and another 26% weren’t exactly convinced otherwise, I’d say that’s a pretty common assumption.
Most of our success stories also say the same thing because they have personally seen a closure text be taken back because circumstances have changed, which begs the question:
How do you change the circumstances to make your ex backtrack their closure message?
This is one of those things that I could talk about forever but I’m not trying to write another book here! So for the sake of keeping this article short and simple, I’ve narrowed down the top overall tactics that we found to work in such scenarios.
Now I’m not going to go into too much detail about each one but I recommend scrolling through my website or checking out my youtube channel to see my deep dives into each of these tactics.
Here are the four concepts that cause people to rethink their closure texts:
Concept #1: Time
This one essentially boils down to giving your ex enough time to sort through their emotions and feelings and truly see where they stand.
You see, immediately after a breakup your ex is more likely to fixate on the negativity around the breakup but as time goes on they’ll start to reminisce about the good times.
This will lead to a more balanced view of the breakup and of you.
Concept #2: The Fear of Missing Out
This is essentially their fear of no longer having you as an option.
Your ex will start to dread the idea of you moving on to someone else.
Concept #3: Seeing You Level Up Your Life
This is where you twist something negative like your breakup into something positive by working on all the areas of your life that you need to improve!
Your ex will be intrigued because they’ll be able to see you from afar and notice how you’ve changed for the better.
Concept #4: Seeing You Truly Move On
Finally, arguably the most effective but hardest to achieve is you actually moving on.
Nothing will get your ex interested in you again like seeing that you truly don’t care about getting them back anymore. Now a long time ago I talked about this concept called moving on without moving on. It basically meant acting like you were over your ex so eventually, you’d feel that way too, but the truth is I don’t think that works anymore.
I do think moving on is important, but I think what’s more important is mimicking a secure attachment style.
You see when you “move on without moving on”, you’re still stuck and holding onto something that might not come back.
So the real trick is to mimic a secure attachment style:
A secure attachment style is basically knowing that you can handle anything and have the fortitude to move on and be okay.
If you have a secure attachment style, you’ll understand and accept that it can hurt to go through a breakup.
You’ll understand the fact that you might not get your ex back, but you will still be okay.
So instead of putting all the focus on your ex, you put it on yourself and having that secure attachment mindset.
That kind of mindset is truly attractive to an ex.
The Wise Man’s Philosophy Of Making Decisions
One final thing I want to address is those people who blamed the person whose text message I featured for putting himself in these circumstances.
Essentially they said that his failure to fulfill the no contact rule lead to this closure text message.
Speaking directly to him and others like him I want to share something I recently read about that I like to call the “wise man’s philosophy”.
This philosophy basically talks about two things:
- Making careful and deliberate decisions
- Sticking to your decisions no matter what
Now I know there’s this whole debate about fate vs. free will and I don’t want to get into that but I’m a pretty big believer that there is some element of choice in our lives.
So when we enter into a conflict or decision, we have a choice in how we engage it. We can either make rash emotional decisions that we later flake on, or we can take a step back and think through our options. The wise man’s philosophy would have you carefully consider the pros and cons of each choice in front of you. Once you truly weigh all your choices and decide on what’s best for your current circumstances you COMMIT to your final decision.
You need to let the chips fall where they may after you’ve made a choice because you know that you made the right choice with the resources available to you at that time. You can’t possibly predict the future so why try? The best you can do is make a faithful effort to choose what is best for you at a specific point in time and then stick to it and believe in your choices.
Once you start making these deliberate decisions and fully committing to them you’ll see how much more confident you become in your life choices. You will even be less flakey because you won’t be halfheartedly committing to things like a no contact rule and then prematurely breaking it.
After all, the main reason for backtracking decisions like the no contact rule is not thinking enough before a decision and overthinking after it. If you let your mind concoct every possible negative outcome, of course, you’ll scare yourself into breaking the no contact rule. A better approach is to carefully consider all these effects before you fully implement the no contact rule.
That way, you can just live in the moment and be at peace with whatever you choose because you know it was the best choice you could have made.
If your ex sent you a closure text message or letter they probably mean it at the moment but that doesn’t mean they can’t be persuaded otherwise.
These four things can help you get your ex back even after they’ve sent such messages:
- Time will eventually help them work through their initial emotions
- Fear of missing out on having you in their life
- Seeing you improve your life and become a better person
- Seeing you truly move on by mimicking a secure attachment style