Your ex-girlfriend asking for her stuff back can be a tricky situation, but it doesn’t always have to be.
In fact, it might even be the most important interaction you have with your ex if you want her back.
Today, we’re going to talk about how best to handle a situation like this to maximize your chances of getting her back.
Let’s start by talking about the general situation in which your ex-girlfriend is asking for her things back.
A really great place to start in this situation is by considering the role the no contact rule has in your overall strategy.
Where Does The No Contact Rule Fit Into Your Ex Asking For Her Stuff Back?
If you didn’t know,
The no contact rule is a psychological rule where you shut down communication between exes for a certain period of time to create space for each partner, which will allow healing, self-recovery, and an opportunity for both of you to potentially come back as a couple.
This rule is one of our flagship techniques in the ex-girlfriend recovery process, and in a perfect world, you would jump into a no contact rule immediately after your breakup.
Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world, so my guess is that a lot of you who are reading this haven’t implemented a no contact rule and are stuck in a hard place because your ex-girlfriend has asked for her things back.
It’s not like you can just jump into a no contact rule to see its benefits.
You have to give your ex her things back.
You’re also in a tough spot if you’ve started the no contact rule, and your ex hits you up, asking for her things back.
You can’t really continue your no contact rule without giving your ex her things back.
So, what do you do?
No matter the circumstance, one thing is certain – you MUST give your ex-girlfriend her things back if she asks.
The way you choose to do it and shape this interaction is the most crucial aspect of this whole thing.
Honestly, we used to see this exchange of personal items as a harmless interaction between two exes, but now we’ve seen so many success stories that jump off from this crucial meeting that we simply cannot ignore it.
This meetup is very, VERY important for your overall chances of success, and so you MUST get it right.
How To Nail This Meetup
How can you create an interaction that leaves her thinking about you even after the items have been exchanged?
A lot of my peers share the same generic advice on this topic, such as keeping things short and looking good, and while I agree with some of those and will talk about them, I also think there are other factors at play.
But before I share the most successful tips for this meetup, I want to talk about what your overall goal should be for this interaction.
A few weeks ago, I made a video for my other website Ex Boyfriend Recovery about what to do if you run into your ex unexpectedly.
That situation is kinda like this situation in the sense of having the same goal:
Your number one goal when you’re exchanging items with your ex-girlfriend is to leave a lasting impression that makes her think about you even after the event occurs.
The Five Key Components To Leaving A Lasting Impression
So, after studying these item exchanges for years I’ve noticed that there is definitely a difference between people who leave lasting impressions and people who don’t.
I’ve identified five key components that are essential if you.
Let’s just start from the top.
Component #1: Tell A Memorable Story
So, my other video I just referred to also talks about how to tell a really compelling story using Dan Harmon’s story circle.
This concept is all about showing the process of change, and in the interest of brevity, I’ll let you read about or watch that video to get a better idea of the story circle.
If you’re one of those who are too lazy to put in the extra work, here’s a quick crash course:
I firmly believe that people just don’t know how to tell stories when they’re talking to their exes.
They just talk about the first thing that comes into their mind, which is often random meaningless stuff like the weather.
You really don’t need to have groundbreaking stories as long as you know how to structure your stories properly to make them memorable.
That’s where Dan Harmon’s story circle comes in.
The story circle has eight distinct parts that a story must flow through to settle into your mind:
- The character is in a zone of comfort
- But they want something
- So, they enter into an unfamiliar situation
- Then they adapt to it
- They eventually get what they want
- But they’ve paid a heavy price
- They return to their familiar situation
- Having changed
Now without context, that can be confusing so, I seriously urge that you read the blog post or video I shared above. I used a personal example there to show how you can use the story circle to create engaging stories that will stick with people for a long time.
Component #2: End The Interaction Prematurely
One of the latest buzz words that I’ve been going on about is this concept of psychological barriers.
These are the beliefs or ideas that prevent someone from responding to you completely or in the way you want.
For example, if you’ve been super aggressive in how you talk to your ex, they’ll just think that every time you talk, you end up fighting.
Or if you’ve been super gnatty when you talk to them, they’ll think you’re too drama-filled, and there’s no point talking to you.
There are lots of things you must do to overcome these psychological barriers, and a huge part of it is having consistently satisfying conversations and ending those conversations early.
The psychological barrier concept applies here too when you meet your ex to exchange items. You want to have a satisfying conversation with her (preferably using a compelling story like point 1), and you want to leave her wanting more.
This is also why you want to be very careful about not letting the interaction go too long because it can get dull and unmemorable towards the end.
There’s actually a scientific concept backing up this idea known as the Zeigarnik effect.
The Zeigarnik effect states that people remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.
In other words, you’re much more likely to remember a conversation that ended abruptly as opposed to one that went on for 2-3 hours and reached a boring lull towards the end.
So, when you meet your ex-girlfriend to give her stuff back, you want to have a short, somewhat satisfying conversation that you end prematurely, so she thinks she wants more.
Component #3: Looks Matter More Than You Think
Throwing it back to the classics here by saying that your appearance absolutely matters. You don’t want to look like you’re a depressed, ice-creaming eating man who’s crying over your ex (even if that’s true!)
Think of it this way – when you go through a breakup, the two of you aren’t really seeing each other, so the only time you talk is through texting or calling.
You’re only really using two senses to interact with them at that point, but when you see your ex in person to give their things back, all five senses light up.
Suddenly, the way you look, and smell are just as important as the actual conversation you have in creating a lasting impression.
You want her to think she misses you, and you can only do that by positively engaging as many senses as possible, so she leaves the interaction thinking about you.
So, feel free to pull out that cologne that you know she loves because trust me, she will smell it, and it will make her miss you.
Component #4: Let Her Lead Where Things Will Go
The biggest question I get about these interactions is whether it’s okay to talk about the breakup.
Well, I always used to consider this a hard no, but over time I’ve kinda softened my stance on it. I actually think it depends on what your girlfriend brings up.
If she wants to bring up the breakup, it’s rude to immediately redirect her to a different conversation.
Instead, what you should do is let her lead and mirror her behavior. Sometimes talking to her about those emotional topics can help make the conversation meaningful.
Here’s what will probably happen though- the two of you will see each other, and nerves will take over.
Neither of you will really want to bring up the breakup, so usually, this is something you don’t have to worry about a ton unless she brings it up, of course.
If she brings it up, it’s okay to mirror her behavior and talk about the breakup, but do NOT say something like “I love you” or “I miss you.”
That’ll make her think you’re still madly in love with her. You don’t necessarily want her to think that at this stage because you’ll just be giving up all the power in the breakup.
Component #5: If The Topic Becomes Too Emotional, Redirect
This is my caveat for point number 4.
There is always a risk of the conversation getting too emotional if you let her lead. Sometimes overly emotional topics can taint the interaction and harm your chances of getting your ex back.
For example, let’s say the exchange of items starts off really great. You tell your story, and she laughs…then she starts bringing up the breakup and how badly you hurt her. You want to dial that back because you want her to leave the conversation with a positive feeling.
If the topics become too emotionally charged to the point, she becomes upset, it’s time to redirect to a different type of conversation. Bring up whatever topic you must to get her mind off the emotional trauma from the breakup.
Giving your ex her things back can actually be a fantastic opportunity for you to leave a lasting impression on her using these 5 tips:
- Tell a memorable story
- End the conversation prematurely
- Look your best
- Let her lead the conversation
- Redirect the conversation if it gets too emotional