Ever wondered what female dumpers feel during the no contact rule?
We’re here to address that. I’ve done a lot of blogs and videos on male dumpers due to the fact that almost 80% of our clients are women over at Ex Boyfriend Recovery trying to get their boyfriends back.
However, our male client base is steadily growing, and you were all vocal about what you wanted to know, so here we are!
I’ve covered what females feel during the no contact rule after being dumped in quite an extensive structure.
We’ve covered the stages.
We’ve analyzed male psychology, and so much more, but that has been easy due to the fact that I can analyze these topics as a man.
However, it’s much harder for me to step into the shoes and mind of a woman who dumped a man.
The Female Perspective
Luckily for us, my wife, Jennifer Seiter, could provide that female perspective.
I went to her and asked if she was ever in a situation where she broke up with a guy, and he used the no contact rule.
I was under the impression that she would say no, and we would have to take this question to our private Facebook support group. However, she had been in a similar situation where a guy used the no contact rule after a breakup, which led to her wanting him back.
This fascinated me.
In this piece, we’re going to analyze the insights and learnings I grasped from a 30-minute interview about her experience as the dumper having the no contact rule used on them.
What interested me wasn’t the stages she went through during no contact after dumping a guy, but her mentality behind breaking up with the guy.
I assumed that she broke up with the guy because he wasn’t committing enough, and so she broke up.
However, she admitted to me that she never ever wanted to get the guy back at the time of breaking up.
This was fascinating to me because she eventually ended up missing him towards the end of the no contact rule.
Upon digging up further during the interview, I found out that she never wanted to see him again, but a part of her wanted him to try to win her back. A part of her wanted him to do something to show that he actively cared.
A no contact rule flew in the face of that and annoyed her.
The Five Stages A Female Dumper Goes Through
It made her wonder why he didn’t care about the relationship as much as she did. It is an interesting insight that will make more sense as we go through the five stages a female dumper will go through during the no contact rule.
- Oh Well, he’s just mad
- He’ll get over it in a week
- Anger (Why hasn’t he reached out)
- Fear (This is it, he’s moving on)
- I am ready to give up. I guess I need to move on.
Stage 1: Oh Well, He’s Just Mad
This is important because, ultimately, there’s an inherent understanding that she broke up with him, and he’s mad, so he’s not talking to her.
It’s the same mentality men have when they break up with women.
It stems from the ‘winning the breakup’ ideology where you say that ‘I am not going to be the first to reach out’ and they’ll be the ones to reach out to me.
When it does not happen, you rationalize it by saying, ‘they’re just mad.’
Stage 2: He’ll Get Over It In A Week
Stage 2 is about further rationalization, where women tell themselves that their ex will reach out to them in a week and chase them.
While the first rationalization assumes they are mad, this second rationalization sets a timeframe for when they expect you to reach out eventually.
Stage 3: Anger
When a week goes by, and the dumper still doesn’t hear back from the ex, suddenly, anger sets in.
They wonder thoughts like ‘why is he not reaching out to me’, ‘did he not care about the relationship at all’, ‘he should at least care a little’ and ‘he’s not trying at all’.
The interesting paradox is that they could have reached out to you first as well, so it goes both ways. This also helps you understand the dumpers’ mentality.
Humans are self-interested when it comes to relationships; there is an argument that every act we make during a relationship is self-interested.
An altruistic person might come up to me and say, well, what about my partner? Every time they hurt, I hurt.
That example, in itself, is a weird form of self-interest. This can be explained easily that if your entire emotions are wrapped up around how your partner is feeling, meaning when they feel bad, you feel bad, you make them feel good, so you feel good, which is a self-interested act.
It’s a mind-blowing conundrum.
The female dumper feels angry because they are not getting their way, which brings us to the next stage.
Stage 4: Fear
This is when the female dumper starts to fear their ex moving on.
The interesting part about this blog is that the stages of the female dumper during no contact are very similar to the male stages, with a few alterations here and there.
This is the point where fear begins to take over.
It could be a few weeks since the breakup at this point where they’ve been through the ups and downs, which includes rationalization, further rationalization, and anger. This is the point where they start believing the voice in their head that said their ex (you) didn’t care.
This is when they start to believe that they cared about you more than you cared about them, even though they’re the ones who broke up with you.
All this because you didn’t reach out to them. The irony is that when you talk to men in this situation, they believe that the women should be the ones to reach out to them since they’re the ones who initiated the breakup. In contrast, women are thinking that they broke up with you because you didn’t try hard enough, so you’re the one who should be reaching out.
This creates a difficult back and forth.
This is where women get wrapped up in a state of confusion and hence leads to fear.
Stage 5: After The 30th Day I’m Ready To Give Up
Those are my wife’s exact words.
She was around a month where she was ready to give up, waiting for a response and move on.
She was ready to move on and move further in her life, but the interesting part is that is the exact time the guy decided to reach out to her.
Since she’d gone through this gigantic roller coaster of emotions, she was actually excited to hear from the guy, and she was s a lot more responsive.
Am I saying that if you’re a guy and you’re going through the exact same stages and trying to get your girlfriend back, testing this out will help you win her back, and your experience will be exactly the same? The answer is no.
The experience is different for every person, but this gives you a working template on why staying in the no contact rule for a longer period of time tends to be better from a psychological standpoint.
We haven’t even discussed the internal aspects of what you should be doing during that no contact rule because that is just as important as the reverse psychology components of the no contact rule.
If you want a working framework of what a female dumper feels during no contact, here it is:
- Stage 1: Oh Well, he’s just mad
- Stage 2: He’ll get over it in a week
- Stage 3: Anger (Why hasn’t he reached out)
- Stage 4: Fear (This is it, he’s moving on)
- Stage 5: I am ready to give up. I guess I need to move on.
It is important to note and understand the exact situation and reasons behind why your ex-girlfriend broke up with you.
It is up to you to analyze those reasons and then move further, but from our experience, a no contact rule is the first step after a breakup in most scenarios, whether you want to win back your ex, outgrow your ex, or just for your general peace of mind.
It is also important to remember that these experiences vary from person to person and will not be exactly the same pattern or structure.