A 150-car freight train going 50 miles per hour takes over a mile to come to a complete stop. When a train, derails, it can do a lot of damage in that one mile. From 2001 to 2010 there were 8,092 train accidents where the train derailed.
Don’t run away screaming just yet. I’m not about to give you one of those word problems that gave everyone extreme anxiety as kids, maybe even as teenagers. You know what I’m talking about. There are entire generations scarred by the words,
“A train is traveling at a speed of..”
But like I said, don’t worry. I’m not about to plop a huge standardized test down in front of you. What I am going to do is help you figure out exactly where you stand with your ex now that you’ve been broken up long enough to know that it was a HUGE mistake.
So, why trains? Breakups can play out in an almost infinite number of ways. I’ve seen more than my fair share of people trying to get their exes back. Most of them think that they can control how things play out. But there is a reason that breakups are often compared to trainwrecks. Very rarely do they just come to a nice clean stop. It’s more likely that you’ll end up walking away from complete and utter destruction. And take it from me, if you are lucky enough to walk away from a breakup or a trainwreck in one piece, then you won’t be the same person that went in.
Well, I think we can all agree that breakups can play out in an almost infinite number of ways. I’ve seen more than my fair share of people trying to get their exes back. Most of them think that they can control how things play out. But there is a reason that breakups are often compared to trainwrecks. Very rarely do they just come to a nice clean stop. It’s more likely that you’ll end up walking away from complete and utter destruction. And take it from me, if you are lucky enough to walk away from a breakup or a trainwreck in one piece, then you won’t be the same person that went in. Almost all breakups end up in a catastrophic mess that takes months to clean up.
There is a lot of time and money that goes into figuring out the causes behind trainwrecks. Why do you think that is? If you guessed to find a way to prevent them, then you’d be correct.
So, where do you think we are going to start with our efforts to get your ex back?
I’ll give you a second to mull it over…
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If you came up with understanding the underlying causes for the breakup in the first place, then you’re ready to get started.
So, let’s get on it.
First Things First
Let’s take a look at the big picture here.
Look I’ve laid it all out for you, nice and neat…
It looks simple, right?
But it’s more complicated than it seems. Isn’t it always, though?
Now, I’m going to jump around here a little bit. I’m not just going to go down one side, then the other.
Here, I’ll draw you a map of the terrain.
You see where the steps interchange?
It’s easier to control your actions and your perspective than it is to change someone else’s mind or control their actions.
So, I’m going to group them when I can and leave them separate where I have to.
First Things First: Give it a Name
Yeah, I made that BIG and Bright so you would READ it!
What is the first thing you do when you have a baby? When you adopt a pet? When you perceive a threat?
You give it a name. You define it. Because it has become your responsibility.
Now is your chance to step up and take responsibility for your actions.
This is one of the hardest steps because it means you have to be willing to be brutally honest with yourself. I say this again and again, because even people who do horrible awful things, they can still justify those actions and convince themselves that they are still good people.There are entire studies dedicated to the human ability to deceive and reason with themselves.
The reason it is so dang hard is because people get stuck here. They can’t pinpoint why they did it because most of the time it boils down to simply being bored!
I know it sounds silly right?! So, remember that this has to be done, but it is NOT something that has to be exact.
Do you even know why you broke up with her?
Statistics say that the reason most likely for your decision to break up with her falls somewhere among the following reasons.
Doubt – It’s more fun to be single. I can do better. Or if you are like several of my ex… I don’t deserve to be happy. These are the things we tell ourselves, but they are self-sabotaging statements. Oddly enough these ALWAYS play into it.
Unmet Expectations – When you get intimate too quickly, and your expectations are bigger than the relationship’s limitations. Eventually, they won’t play up to the image of your relationship that you have laid out in your head. This includes sex. Admit it. Eventually, she won’t be adventurous as she was in the beginning. One or both of you let yourself go.
Status Imbalance – When one of you feels like the other is more or less successful, it tends to affect the way you see your partner, the way you treat your partner.
Feeling Trapped – She’s got WAAAY more energy in the relationship than you do. Her love for you is bigger than you and her several times over. You feel like you have to put in a ton of work just to keep going back in.up. It has a way of making you feel almost powerless. It sucks. I know!
Something Better Caught Your Eye – There’s a difference in thinking you can do better and knowing that there is someone who would gladly scoop you up in a heartbeat if you dumped her. You know what sucks though. The adventure of that new relationship… it almost always leads right back to this place that you are in right now.
These are just a few reasons, albeit they are the most common reasons.
You don’t have to understand your reasons completely. You just need to know the gist of it so you can keep your imagination and expectations and doubts in check.
FEAR… that’s how people get stuck in this cycle of trying to figure out their “why?” Fear that they’ll make a mistake.
So, what I want you to do is make a list of ALL of your reasons, even the ones you aren’t sure about. Don’t put too much thought into each one. We are looking at a blanket
After you have compiled this list you are going to sort them… like this.
You are telling me that you love her. So, the point here is that you need to decide if these reasons hold enough weight to be bigger than your desire to be with her. You also have to decide how long before that weight shifts again. But we’ll get back into that later.
Women have weird reasons for doing things. I’m sure I can get a hefty round of “amens” from plenty of the guys reading this right now. But I mean to be clear about this. Yes, women are notorious for making decisions based on emotions. They are notorious about this because most men, when they do this, don’t own up to it.
So, when you are considering her reasons be careful not to make too many leaps on that front.
You’ll be surprised to see that a lot of the main reasons women surveyed have given line up along with most of the main reasons men have come up with.
So, top ten. Rapid Fire. Let’s go.
- You no longer love each other.
- Somebody cheated.
- She doesn’t trust you or have faith in the relationship.
- Constant fighting.
- She didn’t feel valued.
- You were driven when you first met, and that faded.
- She missed being single.
- One of you got pulled in another direction by school or work.
- Her circle, friends and family, didn’t like you.
- You needed to up your game in the sack.
Now, I know that that entire list went out the window as soon as you saw that last one. So, let me be clear, even if you are a complete and total boss in bed, she will leave that all behind if she is not happy in some other way. Yet, a woman who is happy in every other way will stay with someone who totally sucks at sex.
Onto the Next: Change Your View
If you dumped her, then we are looking at your reasons, your perspective, and your actions going forward. So, this would be step 2.
If she dumped you, then we will be looking at her actions, her perspective, and yet again… what actions you are going to take going forward.
Changing Your Outlook
First, of all changing your outlook is hard. Changing someone else’s is pretty much out of your hands.
Basically, you have to learn to silence that little part of your brain that talks down to you and tells you that you’ll screw it up. When you start to feel anxious about something, check that little guy and tell him to cram it.
Then, you have to do what every man I know hates to do… you need to work through whatever you are feeling. One of my biggest pet peeves, when I am down about something, is to have one of my friends say, “ooh I’ll get the wine,” or, “guess we’re going out tonight,” like that is going to somehow completely remove me from whatever situation is making me feel that way. Or the self-imposed correction. When I’m down, I tend to bury myself in Netflix.
Whatever it is you that you bury yourself in to avoid or escape, teach yourself to reject that urge to give in to that. Instead, give yourself a set amount of time to feel crappy, or hurt, or angry and lean into it. Let it overcome you and then be done with it. Get it all out of the way so you are operating on all cylinders.
I mean, the next step is all tactical thinking, and you can’t do that effectively if you are wrapped up in the waves of emotions that you have no control over.
If you’ve already taken that moment to feel those feelings, though, then when the hit you again, you can remind yourself that you’ve already dealt with that particular emotion and there is nothing you can do if you are under the water getting pummeled by waves.
And then, once you’ve taken that time to just mull around in it, It’s time to focus with laser-like precision on what’s next. If you left her, that next step is making a plan. If she left you, then you’ve already made the plan and the next step is moving forward with confidence.
And Then… Strategy
Coming up with a plan when you are dealing with heart is crap.
That’s right! I said it. Crap.
Luckily, Chris, our fearless ExRecovery leader, was kind enough to do all the thinking and planning for you!
You’ve got plenty of choices here.
The full Ex Recovery Plan lays out steps and addresses a lot of the questions you might have. It covers a lot, but it can’t possibly cover everything, right?
Fortunately, we have put every effort into building a network of articles here at ExGirlfriend Recovery.
Here are a few links to get started with…
And there are HUNDREDS more!!
And THEN… on top of all that… We have a team of specialists for you to bounce thoughts of and questions.
With the Finish Line in Sight
This was all a big wind up!
Do you want to know something? I used to be the most organized person you’d ever know. And when people realized this about me, they would bring me the most obscure organizing systems and strategies. And to be nice I would try them.
Somehow I wound up with a physical calendar and then google calendar. I had to-do lists and reminders. It all got to be so overwhelming.
It’s the same way with the internet. Once you realize that you miss your ex and you make that first move and Google “How to Get My ExGirlfriend Back” that when you get that sea of overwhelming information.
It’s hard to just pick one and stick with it! Right?
Almost every single person who’s ever dealt with this situation here with us starts the program hits a wall pretty early in.
Well, No Contact, which I bet you’ve noticed EVERYONE relies on in it in these programs, is one of the most tough parts to push through. This is because, by cutting her out of your life, even for a short time, you cut yourself of from seeing the effect unless it’s a big reaction.
Just like going to the gym though, when you don’t see results immediately it’s hard to not go looking for something that promises quicker results.
But you know that results that last come from choosing one and sticking with it, the follow through.
That is my challenge to you. Because if you are falling back in love with her, then I’m assuming you want this to be a lasting situation.
What do you think? Do you think you can do it?
(This article was written by Ashley Simmons)