By Chris Seiter

Updated on July 9th, 2022

It can be downright confusing when your ex girlfriend casts you aside, then later tells you she still wants to hook up with you, while remaining friends.

So what gives?

Why does your ex girlfriend want a friends with benefits situation with you?

Is this a good or bad thing?  Should you follow through?  Will it last?

So many questions, right?

So let’s talk about it and along the way you might learn a lot more about why your ex girlfriend is coming on to you.

The Top 12 Reasons Why Your Ex Girlfriend Wants a Friends With Benefits Relationship With You

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back?

Take the quiz
  1. Your ex can’t get you out of her mind.  Despite her best efforts, she misses the sex and is listening more to her body than her mind.
  2. Your ex girlfriend may have a unique outlook on relationships and bonding.  While she understands the two of you have broken up, she still has feelings for you and shared intimacy is her way of expressing her love, despite that the two of your are struggling as a couple.
  3. She might be testing you to see if you would agree to such an arrangement as a way of gauging your level of interest in her.
  4. It could be that your ex girlfriend doesn’t want the relationship to be over.  One way of keeping things alive is to enter into a friends with benefits arrangement and just feel your way forward.
  5. Some women are not ready to give up control.  Your ex girlfriend may want to keep her relationship options open. So by holding sex over you, your ex exhibits the most control.
  6. Your ex could be pursuing the friends with benefits strategy to keep you from being with other girls until she makes up her mind about whether your a good long term prospect.  While it may seem like a poorly conceived strategy after breaking up with you, she may reason that if she can please you in bed and keep close tabs on you, then the chances of you being attracted by another girl is slim.
  7. After a breakup, things can be confusing.  What she thinks about the relationship can change day to day.  One day she wants to be close to you and doesn’t want to lose you as a friend.  The next day, she may hold out, regretting she had sex with you.
  8. The offer to be in a friends with benefits relationship could have been driven by her fear of loss.  She is not ready for it to all end for good.
  9. She may be driven by this overwhelming need to please you despite the fact that things have changed in the relationship.  She may still be trapped in old routines.
  10. Your ex may have the right intentions at first.  She may have offered to remain friends, until sex got in the way and before the two of you can process it all, you are back in bed together.
  11. Your ex may be very sexual in her expressions and the need for affection and to express her love through sex may have an unhealthy, yet persistent grip on her behavior.
  12. While I hope this never happens to you, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention it.  Your ex’s desire for a continued friendship and sex may be motivated by something hurtful.  I will leave it to you to fill in the details.

What Should You Do If Your Ex Girlfriend Just Wants to Have Sex With You?

sexy girlfriend

It would seem like the way to handle a situation of your ex girlfriend wanting sex without a commitment from you would be obvious.  But clearly it is not.

It may seem like a dream come true when you ex reaches out and wants to be intimate.  She may have been missing you in the worst way and now can’t help herself.

So should you take advantage of her?  Should you take advantage of her vulnerable emotional state?

Should you play along, being just a friend who has occasional sex?

Where would that put you in terms of getting the relationship back on track?

As with many things that are complicated, there is no sure right answer. But let tell you how you usually should best handle such a situation.

In most cases, you should avoid having sex with your ex girlfriend if it’s on the basis of a friends with benefits type of understanding.


Well, for starters it is likely to blow up everything you have been working towards.

If you have an Ex Recovery Action Plan that includes No Contact and are doing all the other things to create attraction and value, then jumping into bed with her at the first opportunity is usually going to backfire.

In fact, when its all over, she may regret it tremendously and become angry with herself and you too.  Before you know it, you are even further away from getting her back.  And friendship may have soured too.

Now I am not saying you should never have sex with your ex.  There will come a time when you have put in all the work to rebuild the framework of the relationship and sometimes having sex is that final pillar of cementing the bond.

If you are like most guys I have talked to in the past, then that is probably not where you are at this time.  You are probably not ready to pull the trigger on having sex with your ex quite yet.

The hard work you have to put in to get to reconciliation has likely not been put in yet.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back?

Take the quiz

So call upon your best discipline and refrain from jumping into bed with her, despite how tempting it might be.

Trust me, you are going to be feeling vulnerable too and the chance of getting intimate with her again is going to be a difficult feeling to fight off.

But trust me.  If this is going to work in the future, there will be time for sex.

So be patient and stay committed to your Ex Recovery Plan.

So What Should You Say To Your Ex Girlfriend If She Wants Sex?

ex gf wants sex

No doubt, this is a tricky proposition.

You don’t want to simply shoot her down, making her feel unloved or unwanted. If not handled properly, abruptly declining your ex girlfriend’s invitation to have sex could blow up in your face.

So when she presses the point, then hold her and whisper to her that you love her and that you want things to be right between the two of you before you both go down that path.

In the long run you are more likely to gain her trust and respect if she sees that you care about making things right and working on the problems first. Being and remaining friends is definitely a step in the right direction.  But having casual sex is not.

If she knows that you will be there for her and that you are handling all of this in a mature way, she will love you even more.

What you want to do in these situations is think long term.  Just being friends and having sex once in awhile may benefit you and her in the short term, but your truest feelings will eventually get in the way.

Now on the other hand, if you ex girlfriend becomes angry with you because you don’t want to have sex with her and lashes out at you, then she has revealed something important.

Namely, she will have revealed that she is not ready to resume a mature relationship and work on the problems you both face.  It is likely that she is still harboring a lot of resentment if she goes on the attack mode.

But remember, when you decline her invitation to make love, you have to do so with the utmost sensitivity. You don’t want her to feel rejected.  Physical love and emotional love are not too far apart.   It may not be time for the physical love, but you can offer plenty of emotional love.

You need to hold her and be supportive and express to her you want to very much and want the two of you to plan to make love in the near future.  But then explain how you want even more for the two of you to set things right in the relationship and become a couple again.

With this approach, you will increase your personal power and hold the potential key of the two of you getting back together for good.	

Related Articles