What Does It Mean When You Hook Up and Have Sex With Your Ex Girlfriend

So the relationship blew up.  Your ex girlfriend has stormed out of your life, at least so you thought.

It seems the most recent fight had all the brutal markings of a relationship gone forever bad. But somehow the two of you ended up having sex and it was awesome.

You and your ex did it everywhere and it was incredibly passionate.  But as you will learn, hooking up with your ex girlfriend isn’t always going to finish well.

But in your moment of sexual thrill, your are not thinking about how it wasn’t that long ago that she marched out of your life. Those are not your thoughts.

All you know is she is now back with you and in bed with you.

Indeed the two of you are under the covers having mind blowing sex.

Can You Really Trust This Mind Blowing Sex You and Your Ex Are Having?

having sex

What is it that attracts you to want to hook up with the very same person who was making your life miserable?

What does it mean?

Is she back for good?

Is she enjoying the sex as much as you?

Does that even matter later when you both regain your senses and are left with trying to make sense of what has happened?

It wasn’t like you were spending all your time right after the breakup wondering how to hook up with your ex girlfriend.  Chances are that neither one of you had sex on your minds.

It wasn’t like you were obessing over where you would get it next, leading you to fill out a “should I hook up with my ex quiz“.

I mean really.  You have to be thinking, “Geez, why did my ex girlfriend want to hook up so badly”.  You are probably still processing it.  Did you just screw up everything?

It’s like you didn’t want the breakup right?  Let’s say that in this case, she is the one that  called it quits.  So did you and your ex girlfriend violate some sacred rule of breakups?

Are there rules for hooking up with an ex girlfriend and if there are, what do they say and are you in trouble?

Yep, so many questions people have about this topic!  I can understand why you may be clueless as to “why does my ex girlfriend still want to sleep with me,”

So let’s just start first with understanding what happened and why.  Let’s go over the top 7 reasons why you and your girlfriend hooked up after you thought the relationship was over.  Here is a quick review of what we are going to talk about:

  1. It Could Mean that the Physical Attraction Between the Two of You is Still Undeniable
  2. Perhaps Your Ex Girlfriend is Still Angry  and Is Channeling Her Anger Into Sex
  3. It Likely Means You Are Both Vulnerable to Your Emotional Needs To Feel Bonded
  4. It Means You Are Both Trying To Say Your Are Sorry
  5. You Are Both Looking For a Way to Ease the Pain (Make Up Sex)
  6. One or both of You Could Be Deluding Yourself That Making Love Will Solve All Your Problems
  7. It Could Mean That One of You Is Really Good At Seducing The Other

Later I will also get into the consequences of hooking up with your ex so quickly after the breakup.  Or maybe it hasn’t happened yet and you are wondering if you should have sex with your ex girlfriend.

And of course, before I leave you today, I will touch on what you should do next if you and your ex have been hooking up.  And remember, it all starts with having a smart ex recovery plan.

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7  Reasons Why You and Your Ex Girlfriend Ended Up Having Sex (The Great Hook Up)

spooning with ex

It is probably confusing when it happens.  At first it just seems natural.  One or both of you make a move and before you know it, all the clothes are off and you are both doing it.  At the time, all you can think of is her body and how it feels and is reacting to your touch.

But later you might get all these other thoughts. You may wonder to yourself, “does my ex want sex but not a relationship”?  You might think, “does this mean the breakup is over and we are back together”?

Of course you will also think why does my ex girlfriend still want to sleep with me, is it a trap of some kind?

You might even conclude that sleeping with an ex girlfriend you still love is not wrong, so what’s the big deal, you ask yourself.

Well, let’s go over what is driving all this behavior.

1. Hooking Up and Sleeping With Your Ex Lover Means that You Are Both Still Physically Attracted To Each Other

There is no getting around it.  When you both have a strong sexual connection…when that sexual chemistry is humming at the top of charts, it doesn’t take a lot to get a couple communicating by way of their sexual bond.     So with all that emotional arousal going on, even if a lot of it is negative, the sexual response will usually trump the others.

2.Your Girlfriend’s Arousal Moves From Anger To Sex As a Way to Channel Her Energy in a Constructive Way

When your ex gf is angry with you, she is firing with adrenaline.  That is a combustible hormone and if not channeled in the right way, things can get ugly.  But sometimes something can happen. Maybe its the way you touched her on the shoulder or the way you looked at her or hugged her. Suddenly that anger response moves to another place in her mind. It goes to a more positive place of expression.

So your ex girlfriend can go from being mad as hell at you to a place where she wants you and needs you.  That adrenaline is priming her system and flooding her brain and causing her to be aroused.  When your ex g is at a heightened state of arousal, it is usually the primary sex drive that takes over.

3. You and Your Ex Are Both Vulnerable and Are Looking To Bond

As you probably well know, it hurts a lot to go through a breakup and the funny thing about it is that while you say all the words to each other with one or both of you trying to end it, you both will still act like the relationship never ended.  That bond that exists between you is still there in those early days following the breakup.  Maybe it is clouded by recent fights, but the sexual connection just doesn’t simply go away. Just being in each other’s mere presence can trigger something to cause you both to want to make love.

So you do and for awhile it makes you both feel better.

4. Sometimes You and Your Ex Girlfriend Are Trying to Put Your Troubles Behind You

So sex with your ex isn’t always about raw and grinding desire.  Sometimes the act of making love with your former girlfriend is a way to try to make amends, to say you are sorry and to give something of yourself to the person you love.  Saying you are sorry with words can only get you so far.  For your ex girlfriend to really feel it in her heart, she may want to be embraced and held and reminded through intimacy that you really do care for her.

5. Making Love Was an Act of  Some Quick Make-up Sex

making up sex

This happens a lot.  Things get out of control.  Tempers between you an your ex flare and before you know it, another fight has happened.  Neither of you planned for it to happen, by the flip side of angry passion is sexual passion.  So if you find yourself in bed with your ex girlfriend a whole lot sooner than you ever thought possible, just know that there may be deep psychological reasons acting on you both to try to extinguish the angry feelings.

As a result of all this baggage you are both carrying, you end up having a quick and intimate experience.  Its like you throw yourselves at each other knowing that what you want in that moment is to forgive each other.  But often times, when all the dust settles and the sexual high is over, you are still left with coming up way short of truly making up.

6. You Deluded Yourself Into Thinking That “If I Make Love With Her, It Will All Be OK”

Except this is not how the real world of relationships work.  You can’t expect to make love with your old girlfriend and think that she will have forgotten all of your harsh words and actions.  Maybe you betrayed her and you thought having sex with her would prove that you only want her.  But later you are likely to find out she has not let go of her anger and resentment and that while she enjoy hooking up with you, the troubles in your relationship have not been properly addressed and that neither of you are ready to fully reconcile.

7.  It Could Be That Your Ex Girlfriend Wanted You Only For the Sex (or Vice Versa)

You may be filled with wonder and awe about how the whole breakup thing just got resolved so quickly.  After all, there you are in bed with your beautiful ex girlfriend.  You both may be having the best sex ever and you can hardly believe things are back to normal.  The problem is that things may not be back to normal or even close to normal.

It is entirely possible you are only able to make love to her because she misses that part of the relationship, but has already decided you are not the one for her.  Think of it as a friends with benefits situation, except you just don’t know that yet.

Should You Have Hooked Up With Your Ex?

making love with her again

So after all this discussion about having sex with your ex, was it all really just a big mistake?  Will you regret forever doing the act with her?  Did it screw up your chances of winning her back?

Well, the answer really depends on you individual situation.  Sometimes, hooking up with an ex girlfriend can give you both another shot at addressing the issues that put you into that breakup zone.  Unlike what you may have read or been told, sleeping with an ex is not always a bad thing.  It can be therapeutic and helpful in building a bridge to emotional recovery.

But like with most things in life, just because it can help you in some situations, the act of hooking up with your former girlfriend isn’t guaranteed to work out the way you would expect. It can actually make things worse.

Particularly if after making love and after all the hormones have settled back down, you both end up quickly falling into another fight.  It would be like opening up a raw and sore wound.

Imagine what you ex girlfriend might think if this played out.  You cheated on her.  But you asked for her forgiveness.  Later that night the two of you made love.  You are both sky high until reality kicks in and she is reminded that you were unfaithful.  And she can’t let go of it as there just has not been enough time or healing.

Before you even realize it, the magnitude of what you did to her, this image she can’t get out of her mind of you with another woman, hits her like a ton of bricks.  And it was sex that got the slide started.

I Slept With My Ex Girlfriend Now What?

So if hooked up with your ex girlfriend, then don’t let it weigh on you as some terrible thing you did.

As I have explained, there is a possibility that bonding with your ex sexually can create an environment where you can both try to right the ship.   So take the positive and build more positive moments.  I am not talking about looking for more ways to get her to agree to sleep with you.

That is is the wrong thinking.  She will see right through that approach and you will end up having less sex with her or none.

What you want to do it start rebuilding the relationship and doing it by creating a lot of small, positive moments and experiences.  This is how you win back her trust and willingness to be with you again.

So think small steps. Small kindnesses.

		

Written by EGR team mate

Chris Seiter