Do you know what successful people do on a regular basis?
They ask themselves the questions that are hard to hear the answers to.
- Am I living up to my greatest potential?
- What is my worst case scenario in this situation and how do I plan on facing that if and when it happens?
- Am I holding on to any failures that I need to get past?
- Am I happy with the person I am currently? Do I need to do some self-evaluation?
- Am I prepared to do what needs to be done?
After a breakup, it’s tough to face a lot of hard truths, especially if you want to believe something a little… easier.
I’ve seen people lie to themselves so completely that it takes everything they have to be honest with themselves simply because asking the hard questions is so hard to do.
I think part of you can admit that you are avoiding facing some things about getting back with your ex.
Questions You Should Ask Yourself
If you are considering getting back with your ex… you have to get real with yourself first. That means asking yourself those tough questions.
- What Makes You Think That Things Would Be Different From Before?
- Do You Have Actual Reasons?
- Are You Just Holding Out Hope?
- Are You Ignoring Signs of the Opposite?
What Proof Do You Have That He’s Changed?
Let’s say your ex was the reason behind your breakup. Well, before we say that, let me point out that relationships don’t end simply because one person screwed it up. It takes two people to build a relationship. It also takes two to screw it up.
However, it’s not like that effort is 50/50 like romantics like to think it is. It’s give and take. Some days they give 20 and you give 80. Other days you’re the one giving 20.
When a relationship ends, it’s usually because one person was putting in less effort for long periods of time and the other was having to make up the difference and got tired of it.
It’s what I call “the exhaustion theory.”
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To make my point, let’s talk about one of my old relationships.
I often refer to my first love because it was devastating for me. But, the truth is, I was the one overcompensating with effort for our entire relationship.
When I finally got tired of it and quit letting him come crawling back, it didn’t take long for him to realize that he need to make changes in his life.
Luckily, after some time apart, we sat down and had a talk where we talked about the issues that caused us not to work out in the first place. So, each of us walked away with a pretty good understanding of what we needed to fix whether we got back together or not.
So, we each had the opportunity to go and improve on ourselves.
I will point out that by putting my foot down I became “Ungettable” to him and any improvements I made after that just added to his desire to get me back.
The thing is, he made changes to his life that were good for him. But those changes were for him. Every time he came back to me, I pointed out that he hadn’t made any changes to the way he handled his feelings about me.
He still expected me to put in 80-100% all of the time.
It took him 9 years to figure out that he was going to have to put effort into the relationship as well. And by that time, I was dating someone else.
How he handled the situation was how I knew he had changed.
You see, before, when he didn’t get what he wanted, he would act out and do things that were hurtful towards me. But this time, he accepted it gracefully, offered his friendship, and postured that at some point in the future he hopes that I’d change my mind. Then he actually followed that up by ACTUALLY being a friend and letting me remain a friend to him to this day.
You see, it wasn’t just that he finally came to a point where he was ready to be all in. That only happened because I took the option away from him.
The change was in his character. He decided that being a part of my life was more important than getting what he actually wanted and he FOLLOWED UP on it.
So, don’t just jump at the opportunity to take him back because he says he’s changed. Wait for him to prove it.
Generally, I would say that No Contact is just the way to do that.
With this particular ex, I instituted No Contact and he kept trying to get in contact with me. Because, I gave in at that time over and over again. Then again I hadn’t found ExRecovery yet.
The fact is that when I stepped up and told him I needed some time apart and for him to figure out who he wanted to be he responded by respecting my wishes, something that he NEVER would have done without some serious personal growth.
Now, I may actually consider giving him another shot in the future…
look at that.
If He Wasn’t at Fault, What Proof Do You Have That You’ve Changed?
Sometimes we bring destruction on ourselves by sabotaging what we have. If you were to take the previous point and put yourself in my ex’s shoes.
Are you willing to admit the areas where you fell short in your relationship?
Are you willing to recognize that there are moments when you fell below that 50% mark?
Because that is what it’s going to take.
If anyone is willing to take you back before you face your shortcomings then, you are going to wind up breaking up over and over again.
Figure out your shortcomings and address them before you make this decision.
How Long Have You Been Apart?
Yes, you can take Ex Girlfriend Recovery Pro and apply it to ANY breakup that there is.
It gets results.
But you have to look at this differently when you aren’t sure. And what you have to look at is the amount of time that has passed.
A Couple of Days
If you’ve been apart for years then you should be able to look at her and her actions and tell if she’s the same person.
If you are still questioning getting back together, then perhaps you still have some reservations. If your ex has laid out that she wants to get back together and you aren’t sure, then take a week of No Contact to figure out what it is that is holding you back.
Then you can reach out and establish some rapport with her like we discuss in ExGirlfriend Recovery Pro. When you do this you need to be ready to lay out your concerns without coming across like you are attacking her. So, when you do sit down with he and tell her your concerns, avoid directing your concerns at her.
“You didn’t communicate with me.”
“You were too demanding.”
“You drove us apart.”
“We weren’t the best at communicating back then, and I don’t want to jump back into things without knowing that we’ve learned from mistakes. This is what I’ve done to improve my communication skills.”
“When we were together we asked a lot of each other. I want to know that we are on the same page before we get involved again.”
“I know that we both played our part in our breakup. And I’m ready take responsibility for my part in that. But I need to know that we can put all of that in the past.”
The idea is to make sure that you don’t change her mind while you are making up yours.
Don’t put her on the offensive or she’ll make this decision for you
However, if you are still uncertain, it is time to start deciding if your concerns are actual red flags.
Recognizing Red Flags
She Hasn’t Accepted That You’re Broken Up
If she’s texting you every day, sending you cute memes to make you smile, and she’s showing up to your work with your favorite coffee, then you can bet that she’s in denial. That means she isn’t taking your breakup seriously. That means that if you start up a relationship with her now, it will be a continuation of the relationship you already ended. Nothing will change.
She’s Still Blaming Someone Else For The Breakup
If she is blaming the breakup on you, your mom, your friends, or you, then she is still holding on to residual anger. That means starting a relationship now there is still some serious anger on the table.
She’s Still Trying to Turn You Into Someone Else
If she spent the relationship trying to change you into someone you aren’t and is still doing that now that you aren’t together, then chances are she is still going to do that once you get back together. So, you need to figure out if you WANT to be the man she is trying to turn you into. If you do, then you should be able to make that change on your own. Otherwise, you will spend the relationship leaning on her for support. If you don’t then you will be fighting against her before you even get back together.
There are Still Blatant Reasons for the Split That Haven’t Changed At All
If you are considering getting back with her when there are still clear issues, then it will be the same relationship that you both already walked away from.
She’s Attempting to Take ALL of the Blame in the Breakup
If she wants to get back together and she tells you that it was “all her fault” or that “she doesn’t blame you at all. By doing this you she is holding you “Emotional Hostage.” As I have mentioned before, relationships are built by the efforts of two people. It’s never one person who’s all in carrying the relationship and the other with a foot out the door the entire time.
Yes, it may have toggled from time to time, but the blame for the breakup cannot reside on only one of the people. It just can’t.
If she is trying to take ALL of the blame, then you can be certain that she is trying to make you feel like you owe her something.
She’s Still Using Your Friends and Family to Get at You
By doing this she is definitely trying to get your trust in them to extend to her long enough for her to win you back. This is a pretty common tactic. But it is manipulative and starting a relationship this way sets you up to be manipulated by her for the entirety of the relationship if that is how you start it.
She’s Toying With Your Emotions
If she is hammering you with a push pull method by telling you she wants to get back together and then changing her mind or going missing for a few weeks, then she is playing games. Starting a relationship this way is how you end up with a relationship that ends up being a power struggle instead of a partnership.
Your Natural Instinct is Telling You Not to Trust Her
Go with your gut. I mean that’s what you always hear people say, right?
It is natural not to trust someone that has already hurt you in the past. But if your gut is telling you not to trust her, then is is definitely time to address these issues at hand. Because, otherwise, you will spend the rest of your relationship your gut is going to be telling you not to trust her.
What Happens Now?
Now that you have ALL of this information, you are probably asking yourself what the heck you do with it.
Well, let’s lay this out like this.
So, you have THIS information, plus several other articles FULL of information… AND pro… And on top of that, you have access to our entire team here. You can reach out with any questions here in the comments or you can shoot us an email.