Is your ex-girlfriend being mean to you, and you have no idea why?
Aggressive and mean exes only make it more difficult to get them back, so today we’re going to talk about why your ex is behaving so aggressively.
Today we’re going to look at some of the common situations our clients find themselves in when their exes are being mean, and we will also talk about the psychology of what’s going on in your ex’s head when they’re being rude to you.
Understanding Why Your Ex Is Being So Mean To You
You need to truly understand why your ex is mad before you can make any attempts to move forward with them.
Before we get into the meat of the article, I want to clear a huge misconception that a lot of people have when they come to our website. Most people reading this article are in the process of breakups, and usually they’re the ones who were broken up with.
Let’s face it – getting broken up with sucks, and if your ex is being mean to you after they broke up with you, there is a high chance that you’re going to victimize yourself and think that you’re not at fault.
Let me stop you right there – most of the time, if your ex is being rude to you, there is a legitimate reason.
Now that doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily your fault or you’re the reason they’re doing it; it just means that they have built up a reason in their head that they use to justify their behavior. You need to understand that reason so you can break it down and begin to approach them again
Regardless of who initiated the breakup, your ex will probably be mad at you at some point. Now you may think this doesn’t make sense if they were the ones who broke up with you but let’s see what they’re thinking…
Breakups are tough regardless of whether you’re the dumper or dumpee.
Every party of a breakup goes through some kind of grieving process, and unfortunately, the grieving process is not linear. So your ex might feel one way one day and another way the next.
When your ex is constantly jumping between the five stages of grief, they’re not going to blame themselves for being in that situation; they’re going to blame you for putting them there. I know it’s a total paradox because they’re the ones who started the breakup, but they’re still hurting too so they deflect their anger onto you.
So oftentimes, even though your ex was the one to break up with you, they will look at you as the source of their pain when you are the victim.
So you need to have that basic understanding that the reasons your ex is being mean to you always make sense to them; they just might not make sense to you.
Most Common Situation When Exes Get Angry or Mean
We find most of the anger and mean behavior occurs when you implement a no contact rule on your ex. I mean, no one likes being ignored, especially if they’re expecting attention after leaving you.
So if you’ve seen me talk about the stages exes go through when you enact no contact, you’ll probably know where I’m going with this.
To give you a quick crash course, exes go through many different stages during a no contact rule if you’re successfully using it on them.
Stage 1: They’re calm and assured
This stage is especially significant if your ex was the one who initiated the breakup because they’re feeling very confident in their decision to leave you. They think they made the right choice and might not even notice that you’re doing no contact until a few weeks have passed.
Stage 2: They worry why they haven’t heard back from you
When your ex broke up with you, they probably expected you to be sitting on a couch crying, eating ice cream, and then begging for them to take you back. So now that you don’t do that, they will start getting curious about why they haven’t heard back from you.
They believed that they’d be the ones partying, and you’ll be the one sulking and getting depressed, so when you don’t show that reaction, it almost offends them.
They thought they had all the power when they broke up with you, but you’re essentially switching the power dynamics when you don’t reach back out to them because it makes them think that the breakup did not wreck you as they expected.
Stage 3: They get angry because they’re being ignored
This is the stage where you most often see exes getting mean, angry, or rude and basically saying all kinds of things to elicit some sort of response from you.
They might even try to guilt-trip you into breaking no contact by saying stuff like, “oh wow, real mature to not talk to me.
Why can’t we talk about this like adults?”
Your ex will probably keep sending you anger-laced guilt-inducing text messages, and if you don’t reply, some exes will even go as far as showing up at your house or workplace or writing a physical letter just to yell at you. After all, they need to feel validated in their decision to leave you, so they will keep pushing you until they get some sort of response that reinforces their choice. So let’s not give them that satisfaction!
Stage 4: They become stubborn
After being angry at you for a few days, your ex will probably give up and get to the point where they decide to be stubborn and not contact you until you contact them back. Their ego is too high to keep showing anger to you so they stop trying.
Stage 5: They begin to hope you’re going to contact them
Once your ex gets over the initial shock and stubbornness of realizing that you’re ignoring them, they’re going to start to hope that you contact them again. This is where they get curious about what’s going on in your life. They might start stalking your social media or ask friends what you’re up to as well.
So like I said, an ex goes through this crazy roller coaster of emotions during no contact. So if you’re using the no contact rule and your ex is angry at you or being mean to you, one of the worst things you could do is respond to them because all you end up doing is reinforcing that aggressive behavior. So your best bet is to stick to your strategy and let them progress between these stages till their anger settles down.
The Psychology of Why Your Ex Is Mean to You
Now let’s talk about the most important part of exes being mean to you: the psychology.
A couple of months ago, coach Anna and I did an interview where we basically sat down for an hour and talked about everything we could think about regarding exes being angry at you. Coach Anna had a fascinating take that is so true, yet no one ever talks about it.
She talked about the positive characteristics of anger and how those make anger an addictive pattern for people.
Usually, those positive characteristics come about because when you say mean things to someone, you’re also equally implying that you are the opposite of those things. So let’s see some examples of what you can call your ex and what that means for you:
Your ex calls you immature
It implies they are mature
Your ex calls you stupid
It implies they are smart
You ex calls you selfish
It implies they are generous
Your ex says that you are behaving like a child
It implies they are an adult.
So every time your ex says something mean or rude to you, they’re saying it in comparison to themselves.
Your ex basically sees themselves as the opposite of whatever they say to you. This kind of anger not only validates their decision to break up with you but also validates their moral and intellectual status as a human being
This personal validation is why we think people like to get angry and stay angry,
My ultimate insight about rude exes – it’s a coping mechanism to deflect all the blame onto you instead of themselves
Being aggressive makes your ex feel good about themselves, so it also almost acts like a shield from feeling sadness or shame or any guilt that they may have from breaking up with you. If you’ve ever been angry at someone for a ridiculous reason, you can confirm that you probably know the reason is ridiculous, but you still stay angry. So why do you keep doing it?
Well, it’s our body or mind’s way of coping with the fact that we don’t want to feel or deal with the guilt, sadness, shame of creating an unpleasant situation. So instead of thinking about what they did wrong in the relationship or how their toxicity affected you, your ex would much rather take an ego boost and shift all the blame.
Your ex-girlfriend will probably be the meanest to you after you enact a no contact rule because she will be offended that you’re ignoring her. The defense mechanism, in that case, would be to say rude and mean things to you that make them feel better in comparison. You must understand this positive ego boost feedback of anger that keeps your ex angry, so they don’t have to face any negative emotions from breaking up.