Today, we’re going to be talking about how to act when you see your ex at work.
This is actually a topic that I was shocked that we hadn’t covered before, even though I’ve definitely talked about it on Ex Girlfriend Recovery and talked about it in even my other website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery, I haven’t actually put a podcast episode or a YouTube video, or even an article specifically dedicated to this topic.
So I thought this is the perfect time to do just that since it is an issue that we find a lot of people having.
Now before I get into the nitty gritty of exactly how you should act and giving you tactical advice. The one thing that I do want to say is if you’re a newbie listening to this podcast, or you’ve never been introduced to Ex Girlfriend Recovery, probably the best place to start is first by figuring out what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back.
Believe me when I say there’s nothing worse than trying to get an ex back when you really don’t have a chance of getting them back at all. Now luckily for you on our website, www.exgirlfriendrecovery.com, we put together a special free two-minute quiz that’s designed to basically tell you what kind of chance you have. So you know whether or not you’re wasting your time.
How Do You Act If You See Your Ex At Work?
I think the first thing that you need to understand is where you stand throughout the process that we teach. So if you’re not familiar, we have a very strict process that we’d like to have our clients go through when they are attempting to try to get an ex back or even attempting to try to get over an ex.
And that process always starts at the same place. It starts with the no contact rule.
Now, if you’re not familiar with what the no contact rule is, it’s like the ultimate buzzword for breakups.
You can’t pretty much go to any expert out there without hearing about it. There’s always several differences between each expert. One expert will talk about the no contact rule and say do it for 30 days. Another will say do it for 90 days.
We have our own version of the no contact rule, but it’s based on what we’re finding actually works out on the field.
So the no contact rule, you kind of need to understand where you are at throughout the no contact rule. The rules for communicating with an ex at work is different. If you’re in a no contact rule versus if you’re not in a no contact rule.
So that’s a key component. You need to first figure out where you are in the midst of no contact. Now I’m going to go out on a limb here and just kind of assume that the people who are most likely to be searching for this topic are not basically using a no contact rule. They’ve probably either never heard about it, or they have heard about and thought, “Well that sounds too hard. I’m not going to try that.”
You need to try no contact rule.
That’s always the first step, pretty much in every single situation that we’ve ever found.
It’s a great first step for a lot of different reasons. I don’t want to get into them here since I want to stick to how to act when you see your ex at work and on the topic with regards to that. But I’m going to go ahead and kind of assume that you’ve not tried a no contact rule, which means you’re going to try it, right?
So here are the rules for how you should handle no contact when you see your ex at work. So one of the interesting nuances between the no contact rule and seeing an ex at work is there’s no way to, “no contact an ex at work,” especially if you work together, especially if you’re guaranteed to see each other so that no contact rule actually becomes something that we call the limited no contact rule, which means you’re essentially going to ignore your ex in every way that you would with a no contact rule.
The only difference there is when you’re forced to see them at work, you’re going to act in a very secure way and more on the secure sort of way in a minute.
But one thing I want to kind of get into here is this concept that we’re noticing of the doomsday clock. Now I made actually a really good friend. One of the people that I decided to help on Ex Girlfriend Recovery became my friend. And he was a really brilliant guy and he is the one who kind of came up with this doomsday clock thing. And I asked if I could borrow it. And he said yes.
What Do I Mean When I Talk About The Doomsday Clock?
Well, one really interesting thing that we noticed with regards to people who try the no contact rule is they almost like look at the no contact as a doomsday timer, right?
So as each day goes, it’s like another day that they’re closer to losing their ex. And we found that, that’s the wrong way to look at it. So we don’t want you to look at the no contact rule. And the reason I’m really bringing this up is because a lot of people who are forced to see their exes at work are literally kind of having that tomb’s day clock sort of stuck on a 10.
They’re seeing their ex every single day.
They’re seeing how they’re not getting closer to getting them back there.
They feel like they’re getting closer to losing their ex forever. They feel like another guy is going to swoop in and take the ex-girlfriend away. And that’s not how we should be looking at the no contact rule. Probably the best way I can explain how you need to look at the no contact rule is like you would look at Christmas morning when you were a kid.
Now I want you to think back when you were like a little kid and you knew Santa Claus was coming.
That night before you understood the truth about Santa Claus, you believed in Santa Claus, you knew he was coming. You knew he was bringing presents.
You probably couldn’t sleep. In fact, your parents probably got really mad at you because you couldn’t sleep. They’re saying, “Go to bed, Santa Claus isn’t going to come if you stay up all night.”
But what did you do? You stayed up all night anyways, and then you conked out and then you probably woke up early the next day because you were so excited to see what presents were bought. That is how you need to be looking at the no contact rule. You need to be excited. You need to look at this as sort of a countdown to Christmas, not the end of the world. No contact is not… So every day that goes through no contact shouldn’t be a day where you’re getting closer to losing your ex. It should be a day you’re getting closer to getting your ex back.
That’s the mentality I think that you need to have, and this mentality can help extremely well.
Especially when you see your ex at work. Now a lot of what we’re talking about here is sort of philosophical in nature. These are the mindsets you need to have in the no contact rule and where you’re at in the no contact rule should depend on or should dictate how you handle seeing your ex in person at work. We haven’t really talked about actionable ideas. So let’s talk about some of those actionable ideas.
Tyler Ramsey Helps Us Understand How To Act At Work
Lately, we’re on a kick and that’s because we hired actually a new coach on the Ex Recovery staff.
His name is Tyler Ramsey and his background is in psychology. He’s actually in his last year of medical school and he’s very seriously considering starting a psychology practice, which I think is great.
So I’m really happy to have him on the team and just hiring him and being super impressed with everything he’s bringing to the table.
He’s talked a lot about attachment styles and lately… So I’ve been talking about this all the time, but I actually recently ran on our YouTube channel an interesting study where I was taking people who actually successfully got their exes back. And I was interviewing them for anywhere between 40 minutes to an hour. The main goal is essentially just asking them questions from start to finish on how the breakup occurred, how they got their exes back, what went right, what went wrong and trying to understand what are the differences between people who are successful and people who are unsuccessful.
And what’s really interesting is the big difference we’ve noticed from people who are successful is that at some point throughout the process, they gave up on trying to get their ex back. And I found this kind of interesting, but I had no psychological way of understanding it until I met Tyler Ramsey and interviewed a few other people in the psychology space. And they introduced me to attachment styles.
The Importance Of Attachment Styles
Now, what are attachment styles?
Well, generally speaking, there’s a lot of different variations and combinations of attachment styles. But if you want to get the bare basic minimum, there’s four type of attachment styles.
- secure attachment style
- anxious attachment style
- avoidant attachment style
- fearful attachment style
Now defining each is actually really simple. Secure attachment style is the kind of person that will have the… When they go through a breakup, they will have the fortitude to process the emotions, they’ll feel bad for themselves then they’ll kind of get over and be like, “You know what? I’m not going to obsess about this. I’m going to kind of move on with my life.”
Anxious attachment styles has the opposite effect. They’re the type of people who go through a breakup. They stalk their exes. Their entire life is wrapped up into this relationship. They blow their ex’s phones up. There’s that funny meme that was going around when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery and Ex Girlfriend Recovery of the girl who like left 70,000 voicemails to her ex after he broke up with her, this would be an anxious attachment style person.
And then you have the avoidant attachment style. It’s just like it sounds. They like to avoid conflict. Oftentimes they will just drop you and not give a reason. Understanding what we know about avoidant attachment styles. They’re really big into independence, meaning they feel that they should have the right to be independent from you and they feel you should have the right to be independent from them.
And then you have fearful, fearful attachment style is the rarest type of attachment style, only 7% of the population statistically has it. We have seen it happen actually a little bit more than 7%, at least in our breakup space. But that’s probably just because we’re getting some of the extreme attachment styles, but fearful, it’s kind of a combination between anxious and avoidant. Meaning they’ll flip-flop between these behaviors. One minute, they’ll be extremely anxious and, and sort of hot making you think that they want you. And then the next minute there’ll be extremely cold, making you think that they don’t want you.
The Trend We’ve Noticed From Our Successes And Attachment Styles
This may be kind of weird hearing me talk about attachment style so much in something that seems super harmless. Like how do you act when you see your exit work? But I promise you, it relates because one of the big things that we noticed, especially when I did that study on YouTube and you can actually just go to my YouTube channel, just type my name in, Chris Seiter, C-H-R-I-S S-E-I-T-E-R.
And just look at the success stories that I put there.
And I noticed, the people who are successful seem to get over their exes. They seem to move on or not care about getting their exes back anymore. What they’re doing is they’re really mimicking or becoming secure. So most of the people that work with us have anxious attachment styles. They want their exes back. They’re the most likely people to be searching online for help on getting exes back.
And our work kind of helps them act more secure. So they kind of change their attachment style to be this more secure attachment style. So that’s how you need to act when you see your ex in person, think of it like this. A secure attachment style is allowed to get bothered by things, but they don’t let it ruin their day. They don’t obsess about it. They don’t look at their ex’s profile on Facebook 50,000 times, they don’t stock their ex or read into every little movement they make at work.
So if your ex is, let’s say flirting with a guy at work or flirting with a girl at work, a secure person will be, “Okay, they’re just going through their own process of handling the breakup. That’s fine. Let them have it. They can have it. I’ll be fine.” They understand and feel like they have the fortitude to handle it.
And that sort of mentality needs to go through in every single action that you take. So you don’t overreact when they do things, you try to remain cordial as much as possible. If you’re in the middle of no contact, you’re not bringing up reasons to actually extend a conversation until after the no contact rule is completed, but it is okay to make eye contact with them. It is okay to smile at them or wave at them.
We’re not telling you to be a robot. We’re telling you to be secure. Another way of looking at this is you need to be extremely comfortable in your skin. And I say that because a lot of men are not comfortable in their skin. There’s nothing more attractive to a woman when she can sense that the guy she previously dated is not only better than he was when he dated her, but also he’s extremely comfortable with who he is.
And I think that’s a huge missed opportunity that a lot of our clients don’t really ever achieve because they don’t buy into the idea. The key here is getting you to buy into the idea of a secure attachment style. You need to become secure with yourself. You need to become secure with the fact that your ex-girlfriend is broken up with you. You’re not together anymore. She’s not your best friend anymore. She’s an acquaintance now. And she needs to be treated like an acquaintance.
How would a secure attachment person treat an acquaintance? They treat them friendly, but they wouldn’t try to overstep their bounds. They give them space and feel like, “You know what? I’ll be fine on my own.” That’s the mentality that you need to have, even if you want her back. That’s how you need to act when you see your ex at work.