How to Communicate With Your Ex After No Contact

“So, I made it through No Contact. And I’ve started the Texting Phase. I’m getting ready to set up a face-to-face and I have no idea how to talk to her.”

I hear this and statements like this from both of our sites. And it’s a perfectly normal reaction to the idea of meeting up with your ex.

Most people get there, in the moment, and wind up saying whatever comes to mind, which is usually just a ton of emotional stuff. This can range from being whiny to being combative.
Believe it or not emotional word vomit is basically a mood killer.

Go figure. Right?!

So, let’s talk about how to talk to your ex going forward to avoid killing the mood.

You in?

Communicating with an ex is easier said than done.

It becomes even more difficult when the breakup was particularly messy.

So, how do you win her back?

Most guys think that they can get an ex back by begging.

Others might try and discuss the issues surrounding the breakup.

Neither of these is a good idea.

But no matter what I say to you, you are going to get the urge to do the EXACT opposite.

You do want your ex to feel comfortable enough with you to get back with you and stay with you right?

Fighting the Urge and Figuring out Where Her Mind’s At

Before you have a sit down with your ex and stir up EVEN MORE emotions than you are dealing with now, you have to learn how to reign them in. Otherwise, the emotions that are overwhelming you now will move on to overwhelm her and drive her away. And the whole point is to get her to come back closer.

Men tend to process their emotions differently than women. I mean, women exhibit a full range of those emotions… usually publicly. And while guys experience the same range of emotions, too, they tend to exhibit them in one of two ways, by shutting down or getting aggravated. The only way to keep your emotions in check is to learn to recognize them before they take over. Guage the situation, then readjust the level of intensity. Get up and go to the bathroom or step outside to “make a phone call.” Use the moment to real it in and calm yourself.

Then, when you return you can change the subject to something more… comfortable to talk about. And go from there.
As for recognizing your ex’s mindset, there are three different ways that can go.

A Negative Mindset – Fueled by aggression and disdain. Go figure this one is pretty obvious. You can see it from a mile away. It comes after a messy breakup, the kind with a lot of fighting. Trust me, if she is in a negative mindset, you will know the second she responds to that first text. This is marked by an angry response to you trying to reconnect at all. Another form that a negative mindset can take is by playing the victim. Instead of being directly aggressive at you, it almost seems as if she is campaigning against you, trying to make everyone see you as the bad guy. This one is hard to recover from, but if you are set on getting her back, it takes a lot of time for this level of anger and hurt to dissipate. So, don’t be surprised it it takes a while.
An Indifferent Mindset – This can go one of two ways. Either she just doesn’t respond at all or she responds with a “thanks but no thanks” type response.
A Positive Mindset – This is the one we want. It is the easiest to work with. She’s responded to your texts. She is willing to carry on conversations with you. She might even start instigating them. When you ask to get together for coffee or something, she will seem to jump at the chance, possibly even excited about it.

Communication Strategies For Your Ex

Prep work: It’ is important that before you get started you understand that every single person is afraid of rejection. It is human nature to want to be accepted. So, when you make them feel like you are overly invested in getting them back, you basically calm any concerns that they might have about your interest. Being nervous and making it obvious that you want her back will make her either reject the idea or undervalue the attention. However, when you seem to communicate and be around them easily, their subconscious will lead them to feel like they need to win back your affection. Think about it this way, people who use weight loss medications are more likely to gain the weight back plus some after they stop taking the medication. Why?

Why?

Well, people are far more likely to do everything they can to hold onto something if they have to work for it and continue working for it.

That includes getting partners back.

It’s why playing hard to get is so effective.

I’m not saying to assume that your ex is playing hard to get. I AM suggesting that you fight the urge to pour out your soul. It’s similar to playing hard to get from your end.

Think about it this way. Once you receive overt affection from someone, part of you expects to always have it. When it seems as if it has been withdrawn, your subconscious will lead you to work to reestablish that connection.

It’s what makes you try to stay connected to someone even when you have perfectly good reasons to let them go.

So, the prep work to communication is to be aware of that fear of losing attention and affection that resides in everyone. That is why being relaxed and friendly is so important when you first start your face-to-face contact.

Strategy 1: Using the Fear of Losing You Forever

Did you know that fear is the number one reason people have for choosing whether to do something or not?

It’s called the Scarcity Principle.”

We want what we are afraid we can’t have. It is as simple as that. If you can maintain a friendly relationship while denying her the overt romantic attention she probably expects, she will find herself wanting you without realizing that that was your plan all along.

Genius right?

Strategy 2: Regain Your Ex Girlfriend’s Trust

If something you did played into the breakup in the first place, then it is up to you to earn her trust back before she will ever consider getting back with you.

As kids, getting back in someone’s good graces was as simple as saying you were sorry and hugging it out.

Strangely, even fully grown adults think that it is still that simple and expect people to forgive them after one grand gesture or apology.

No, if you truly want your ex to get back into a relationship with you and STAY in that relationship, you have to be willing to keep earning that trust for the rest of forever.

 

Regaining trust works like this:

Step 1 – After establishing rapport, and a grounded friendship, and the conversation has moved toward a possible reconnection. Offer a sincere apology. You can’t just say “Sorry.”

It should be more like,

“Hey, I just want to say something. I know that I made some mistakes in the past and I want you to know that I am truly sorry for the part I had to play in everything back then. I care about you and you deserve an apology.”

You have to know what it is that you did wrong and be able to explain why it was wrong and why you are sorry in case it becomes a bigger conversation. Remember, you aren’t trying to start an argument. You are trying to put her at ease. Be aware that this is only a gateway to getting her back. If you don’t follow through on the rest of the steps, you will find yourself stuck in the situation you are in now, with no possibility of getting back together.

Step 2 – Make an obvious effort not to hurt her again.

Step 3 – If you make a mistake ( you’re human, it’ll happen), be upfront with it and have a solution for the problem ready.

Step 4 – Rinse and Repeat for the duration of the relationship.

The one thing you have to realize is that, if you betrayed or broke her trust in the past, you are going to have to be willing to put in the work for a long time.

Strategy 3: Set an Example For Your Ex To Follow

Mirroring is an effective tactic.

If you find that your ex has a positive mindset about reconnecting and being friendly, that is when this tactic is most effective. You can’t really affect someone who is being combative or indifferent with mirroring.

So, if your ex is carrying on and eve instigating text conversations and seems receptive to the idea of getting together, you can effect the way that she sees you without saying anything. I mean, you can still talk and carry on friendly conversation while you use this strategy.But, if she is feeling uncomfortable

But, if she is feeling uncomfortable you can know by looking at the way that she carries herself.

 

Non-Receptive Posturing

Crossed arms

Sitting back in her chair (maximum amount of space between you)

Holding purse or jacket between you

Turned away from you.

Checking Phone Constantly, Distracted

Receptive Posturing

Relaxed Arms

Leaning Forward and Attentive

Body Facing You

Unwavering Attention

 

Mirroring is how you turn Non-Receptive Posturing into Receptive Posturing.

You go into the face-to-face interaction prepared to be just friends with your ex. You make friendly and comforting conversation. Meanwhile, you use this strategy in the background.

Once you sit down across from her, you need to mirror her posture EXACTLY, even if it is negative.

Once you get a comfortable conversation groove going on, you can slightly adjust your posture and see if she follows suit.

If she does, then… success! Continue adjusting until she is in a more positive posture. More receptive posture, more receptive mind.

If she doesn’t follow your example, you go back to mirroring her and then, after a while, adjust to positive again. If not, you end the interaction on a high note. Then, plan another face-to-face after a few days have passed and you can try again.

If you don’t have success with this after a few tries, you need to accept that maybe your ex isn’t receptive to mirroring and used a different tactic.

Strategy 4: Use Time To Your Advantage

This “strategy” is a perfect addition, nay a necessity, for the other strategies we’ve discussed here.

The reason it is still a stand-alone strategy is because it is so often overlooked in lieu of being too ambitious. The biddest mistake you can make is going after everything all at once.

Chris often compares communicating to chess. And it is exactly like chess. When she moves a pawn, you want to move a pawn as well. When your ex takes a step forward toward being positive, you match it with an equal effort. Don’t go too overboard too quickly. If you overstep, she’ll step backward…If you largely overstep, she’ll run.

The point is to keep a healthy back and forth going. Don’t be too overzealous. I know how strong the urge to double and triple text can be.

So, pace yourself. Don’t rush things. Bear with it. (Terrible pun… I know.)

A Final Note on Communicating

If it seems like she’s over it, or not picking up what you are putting down, that’s okay, too. I can’t tell you how many times I have thought that I was completely over a guy only to end up in the same room as him only to realize that I wasn’t. I mean, all it took was spending some time together and getting even the slightest inclination that he had changed. Then seeing enough evidence to prove it.

It is that simple.

Now, take all of this into consideration, and USE it.

Listen to what she has to say.

See how she responds to what you say and do.

And make her feel safe and comfortable with you.

Do good things!

Let me know how it goes.

		

Written by EGR team mate

EBR Team Member: Ashley

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25 Comments on "How to Communicate With Your Ex After No Contact"

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Matheson
Guest
So my ex girlfriend and I have broke up 2 months ago, I made the mistake of trying to contact her too early after the break up, and I made the mistake of begging and pleading. It obviously did not go well and the conversation ended with her telling me to give her space or else she will block me from social media. She told me to not contact her, and one of her friends told me to give her some time and space. So over the past month I have slipped into No Contact and I have to say,… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi,
How active are you in posting? And check this one:
How To Use Text Messages To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Matheson
Guest

Hi,
I am posting once every 2 weeks. I have read the article about text messages and there are some very helpful pointers.

Thank you!

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

You have to increase it..make twice a week or better if you can make it four times a week

E
Guest
Hello, I was wondering if I could get some insight on my break up and if its salvageable. I am currently doing no contact, we broke up a little over a week ago, we dated for about 3 years almost 4. She broke up with me for many reasons she said, wasn’t financially stable, cared to much about stupid material items, said she has been unhappy lately, i don’t treat her like a girlfriend more like a friend and that she did most of the work in the relationship. It was a hard break up when it happened we were… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

HI E,
Let’s say she doesn’t, that would be fair because change takes time.. that’s why you need to keep doing what you’re doing while you slowly build rapport with her.

Chris
Guest
Amor, first contact has been made. Finally completed the no contact and decided to send her a text using some of the methods discussed. I was very apprehensive as she’s been coming across as if she’s mad at me, but I sent a text anyway. I had an IPod missing for months and she made fun of me bc I started using my big IPad in the car for music. She kept saying if I cleaned the house I’d find it. So I found it a few weeks into no contact and knew I would use that as my icebreaker.… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

You did great! Rest 1 or 2 days and then initiate again..

Chris
Guest

Okay great, it was definitely discouraging to see that she didn’t respond positively, but I was pleased with how I responded and pleased that she even replied back, because I really didn’t think that she would. I feel like it’s still going to be a long road ahead, but I’m glad that she atleast responded. When you read her replies how did you interpret them?

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

that’s common for an ex, especially if she’s observing if you’re trying to get her back.

Chris
Guest

So how long does it typically take after no contact before she starts to loosen up. Keep in mind she’s someone that’s easily frustrated and upset and has a wall that seems extremely difficult to climb. Also about how much longer do I wait to try to make an excuse to meet up with her somewhere?

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

meet ups are after you’ve built more rapport and attraction during the calling phase.. there’s no concrete timeline, but the average time others get their ex back is 4-6 months of building rapport after nc..

Chris
Guest
Okay 4-6 months that makes sense. So hopefully you recall the whole situation with the Ipod and how I used that as my first contact text and it worked well. I mentioned how she was kinda cold but responded to each text. So here I was all excited about how the exchange went, I wait three days and send her another text. A simple, but I thought effective text. We both watch This is Us, so I sent her a text saying “Hey, have you seen the new season of This is Us? It’s been really good!” She doesn’t reply.… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Dont ask permission from her if you could be friends, talk, text or call because it looks like you’re subdominant to her.. be indifferent and casual..

Chris
Guest

She’s incredibly moody and almost always seems upset with me. If I pass by her I’ll say hi very positively and then go on about my business but that’s about the extent of my engagement. Unless there’s something specific happening I’ll make comment on and she’ll reply with the least amount of words as possible…

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

That’s common for an ex to think..you need more time, that’s why you need to tske it slow..cause time can only prove if you really moved on and imoroved

Chris
Guest

We had an amicable breakup. Didn’t beg or ask for another chance. Hit nc almost right away. The only time she initiated contact was for my birthday. After successfully completing no contact I’m facing animosity, so it feels like the more time that has passed the more animosity I’m dealing with. Is this common?

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

If she doesn’t want to get back with you, and she can see that you’re not just being friendly and you didn’t really move on or you’re not more focused in your other activities, then yes, that’s a natural reaction

Sourav
Guest
Hi My girlfriend broke up with me last month and we haven’t seen each other since last two weeks but yesterday I went to meet her to apologise for hurting her and to ask if we can start from new. However she said me that she cannot feel anything and doesn’t see me as a alpha male. I did buy your exgirlfriendrecovery pro but before I could carry with the plan I realised the whole thing was just created by my being stubborn so I just thought to apologise but I guess this made this worse. I want things to… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi,

Yes, it would be etter to move out..

Bill
Guest
Hello! So, my problem is the woman in my life blocked me a few months back, but I recently realized that I actually have one way of contacting her. The problem is, the last time I talked to her, I told her I wouldn’t contact her again unless she spoke to me first (not in an ultimatum way, just to assure her I’d leave her alone). Well, I wish I’d worded that conversation differently, because I’d actually like to talk to her again. So should I message her, or keep to my word and not contact her until she contacts… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

If it was months ago, she might have cooled off now… So, try to initiate

Bill
Guest

Good point. Thanks.

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

You’re welcome!

Borja
Guest

The hell with her,she is like a dog. Anybody could have her.but to warn you good luck if you
Out of money she gone looking for another dick.
Six times that’s enough. Good luck who ever is with her.