By Chris Seiter

Updated on July 9th, 2022

It’s never easy to know what to do when you have pissed off your ex girlfriend.  Have you ever been in a situation in which you upset your ex girlfriend and now she wants little or nothing to do with you?

In fact, she may have already told you that you are worthless or no good or whatever angry words she can muster up. And if you are waiting for your ex girlfriend to forgive you any time soon, guess again. 

Chances are she is still holding a grudge and if you are wise, you will allow her some space and time to calm those angry feelings that may still lie on the surface.

This is when a lot of my clients reach out to me for some 1 x 1 Coaching Help.  Let me offer you a few thoughts while I have you here!

Ways To Deal With An Upset Ex Girlfriend

If you are feeling desperate these days because your ex girlfriend is sizzling mad at you for something you did (or didn’t do), then you best have a game plan to get things back under control. 

Because often an upset and angry ex girlfriend means your chances of reconciliation is approaching the point of no return.

And  I know you don’t want to blow your chances with her because of whatever stupid or foolish things you said or did.

So what the heck can you do to calm her down and get her to see your side of the story, even if there isn’t one?  How do you go about showing your ex girlfriend that whatever she thinks she knows or heard is completely erroneous? 

Well, of course, one obvious solution is to pick up my epic 485 page Guide so you can learn how to  deal with the nastiest of breakups!

If you have really rattled her cage, it’s likely that her trust in you is probably at an all time low.  So you are already starting at a huge disadvantage.  

But there are some tactics you can turn to that just might help you wiggle out of this mess.

1. Don’t Make It Worse By Getting Upset

So your ex girlfriend is already bitter and probably resentful.  So don’t make it worse by doing or saying something to cause her to become even more upset. 

I know – that is a lot easier said than done.  When we are in the post breakup period, emotions are on edge and it can be tough to avoid our impulse to fight back or defend ourselves, especially when your ex girlfriend is clearly make wild assertions.  

But you are better off by showing restraint and avoiding the tit for tat exchanges.

2. Give Your Ex Girlfriend Some Space

Since your ex gf is already disposed to become angry at your very sight or mention of your name, it is best you keep your distance.  If you know she is holding on to a grudge, then give her some space so you don’t walk into an ex girlfriend bobby trap.

That’s right, she my be so upset with you that she will do almost anything to draw you into a fight so she can unload both barrels.

Don’t give her that chance.  Clear away. 

3. Apologize To Her One Time In a Big Way

OK, so you know she is mad.  As humans, we have this natural fight or flight reaction.  So as I have told you already, don’t try to weigh in and debate your ex girlfriend about whatever she is upset about. 

Nor should you just run off and ignore her completely. 

Rather, try listening to what she has to say and apologize to your ex girlfriend for those things you know you did wrong that contributed to the breakup.

4. Enlist a Mutual Friend To Advocate Your Position.

One tactic you can employ to help diffuse all this anger your ex gf has for you is to have a go between. 

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back?

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If your ex girlfriend  is really hot under the collar about something you did, you are just not going to able to talk your way of this.  Just hearing your voice or seeing you could set her off again.

Consider identifying someone you know and trust that can express to your ex girlfriend that you are feeling just “awful” about everything that has happened.

That will help diffuse things somewhat.  They don’t really need to say much more after that or she will get suspicious and discount everything that was said.  

5. If You Are Still Talking As a Couple Apply the 48 Hour Rule

Often the anger in your ex can creep up on her.  Perhaps the two of your are still talking, but its been hit and miss and there does not seem to be any progress. 

If you sense that the conversations are getting worse and her anger and bitterness is growing, suggest to her that you both just cool things down for 48 hours.  Often it’s better not to talk at all if the discussions you are having is only serving to agitate your ex gf.

6. Deliver a Bouquet of Flower to Your Angry Ex Girlfriend

So during this 48 hour cooling offer period, do something for your ex gf that will lighten her mood and hopefully bring a smile to her face. 

Have delivered a bouquet of flowers with a note that says something self effacing, reinforcing to her that despite everything you may have said or done, you do value her.

7. When You Reach Out Again To Explain – Do More Listening

If your ex gf is filled with bitterness then it’s probably because you are falling short of meeting her needs. At some point you are probably going to get a chance to talk to her. 

Don’t blow it! 

You are going to be better served if you don’t lead with your chin trying to justify what you did or didn’t do.  The best way for you to get your ex girlfriend to stop lashing out at you is to zip your lip and listen to her.

8. Agree With and Repeat Her Complaints So She Knows You Get It

As you are winding through this conversation with your ex girlfriend, you need to show her you get it. 

And I am not talking about going through the motions. Listening effectively is an active skill.  You have to show her you understand her points by repeating back what she has said and then asking for clarification.

Give your ex girlfriend a chance to explain why she believes the relationship got off the tracks.  Then be prepared to specifically explain what you will do differently to hold up your end of the bargain.

9. Come Up With a Plan Together On How To Fix The Problem

You will know that you are making progress when you see your ex girlfriend’s anger thermostat come down. 

But remember, it’s not your aim simply to ease her pain.  Yes, that’s important because connecting with her is partly about regaining your ex’s emotional trust.  

But the bigger points will be scored over the long term when you can collaborate with your ex girlfriend and work together as a couple a plan to correct whatever the problems are.

The Psychology of Easing Your Ex Girlfriend’s Pain

It’s one thing to help your ex girlfriend realize that you are not as big a louse as she may have thought.  It can really help her to know that those rumors she was hearing about you are not true.  And it certainly can help when your ex girlfriend can see you truly regret upsetting her.

After all, she really does not want to be mad or angry at you.  It takes to much energy and in the long run, depresses her emotions and make both you and her feel bad.

But it’s not simply enough to set the record straight so she no longer has cause to be angry.  The real magic in making your ex girlfriend come to believe in you again is to take actions to ease her suffering.

It’s her suffering that last longer.  It lingers, long after you have said your piece.  The shock and tremors of what she thought was true and what made her so angry may have lifted in part, but not completely. 

Here are 3 ways you can ease your ex girlfriend’s pain such that much of her pent up anger and frustration is completely put aside.  She will remember you as the person who helped her get past this painful chapter and that will bode well for your efforts to reconcile.

1. Hold Her Hand

Nothing sexual…just hold it for several minutes and let her talk. Your job is to listen.  Tell her you know things are confusing. Don’t try to solve it all in that one moment.  Just hold her hand and make your ex girlfriend feel just a bit better.   

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2. Tell Her You Love Her

It sounds so simple. Just say, “I love you”. 

But there is power in simple, heartfelt words.  Don’t expect that you ex girlfriend will melt at the mention of those simple, powerful three words.  But if you look straight into her eyes (there is a little magic in doing that) and tell her of your love, that moment will become embedded in her mind. 

Don’t over do it as then it will lose its traction.  But if you convey it with all sincerity, without a lot of flowery language, it can ease your ex girlfriend’s suffering.

3. Ask For Forgiveness

If you did as I suggested earlier and was contrite, then the bond between the two of you can only grow if you later ask her for forgiveness. 

Even if her anger is finding the surface, deep down she wants to forgive you.  It will ease her own suffering because it takes a lot of negative energy to stay mad at someone for a long period of time.

Forgiveness is the glue that keeps the two of you together. 

If you do all the things I described above, then you stand a very good chance of easing her pain and yours too.	

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