My Ex-Girlfriend is Confused and Doesn’t Know if She Wants to Be With Me

Perhaps the one thing worse than going through a breakup is the period after the breakup where your ex is jerking you around. It can be confusing, anxiety producing, and irritating. Believe me when I say I’ve been there. I feel your pain.

I know that in theory, breakups should be quick to end – you have a conversation and it’s over, right? Not exactly the case, it turns out. As I get older, I find the process of breaking up is actually more complex and drawn out. Just like it takes time and baby steps to get into a relationship, it takes time and baby steps to get out, too.

The process of breaking apart is just as complex as the process of coming together.

Frequently, this involves you and your ex getting together and hooking up, or attempting to hang out just as just friends as you both try to adjust to the new reality of not being a central, prevalent part of each other’s daily lives. It’s a big change and adjustment for both of you.

So if it feels like your ex is giving you mixed signals and you’re confused, you’re not alone. It’s a common experience, and there is a way to use it to your advantage which we will talk about later.

But first: What does it mean? And what do you do about it?

When Your Ex GF Gives You Mixed Signals and Meanings

It is very unlikely that your ex girlfriend just stopped having feelings for you out of the blue. It is way more likely that breaking up with you is a decision that she wrestled with. There is data that shows that men are quicker to break off relationships while women really debate the decision and give themselves a lot of time.

So if your ex girlfriend is giving you mixed signals, it’s likely she’s having mixed feelings on one level or another and really struggled with the idea of hurting you (unless she’s simply a horrible person, of course).

My Ex Girlfriend Thinks She Still Loves Me – Really?

Mixed signals happen for a variety of reasons that can be explored in other articles on Ex Girlfriend Recovery, so I won’t go too much into the breakdown of reasons here. But it can range from trying to maintain emotional control, to having second thoughts, to missing you and trying to figure out why that is, and what they are going to do about it. There are a number of reasons why, but the overall theme is that of confusion.

The good news is, if your exgirlfriend is confused, that means that you can do things to improve yourself and your relationship to make her realize that she would be an absolute fool to let you get away again.

Balancing the Scale of Your Ex Girlfriend’s Emotions

I frequently think of the process of getting an ex back like a balance scale. One side is “absolutely not! There is no way in hell I want my ex back,” and the other side is “I miss him/her so much, all I want is to have him/her back in my arms again.”

The ExGirlfriend Recovery process aims to help take you from being weighed down by the former extreme (“no way in hell”) to the latter (“back in my arms, please”). To tip the balance of the scales, as it were.

If you’re reading this article, it’s likely that the scales of your ex’s emotions towards you are perfectly balanced, on an even keel. This isn’t an awful place to be, but it’s not the best, either. The good news is, if your ex’s feelings towards you are neutral, that means you can work to tip the scales and put her mindset into “back in my arms, please.”

So how do you do this?

“The Best Apology is Changed Behavior”

I’m sure you’ve heard this quote before. Another related one we are going to touch on is “actions speak louder than words.”

Your exgirlfriend broke up with you for a reason. The best thing you can do is to prove to her that you are addressing those reasons. Actions speak louder than words and showing her that you are taking steps to address positive changes is going to be a lot more effective than telling her all about the changes you’re making. Show her why she should give you a second chance. It’s going to be a lot more effective than any begging or pleading.

This is why No Contact is incredibly helpful for this stage, and it really does set you up to be successful for the remainder of your exrecovery journey. I see a lot of girls on our private Facebook support group who have unfortunately not been so successful in getting their ex back.

Some of these women have gone into multiple No Contact periods, and the reason why is because they didn’t do the work to change themselves during their first No Contact period. Instead of focusing on themselves and making positive changes in their life for themselves that will also help them to re-attract their ex back to them. So then, when they begin to get back in contact with their ex, it becomes clear pretty quickly that those changes were temporary and not something that was changed at a core level, but rather, on a superficial one. To appear to have changed it not enough.

I have a close friend who has been with her boyfriend for 6 years. She has recently been thinking about if their relationship is sustainable long-term, as she has been unhappy with some aspects of her boyfriend. She’s pushed him to change and been honest about her needs, but he hasn’t budged, even though he has said he will. Recently, though, her boyfriend starting tackling some really big things, and she was just telling me last week how proud she is of him. I asked her if him making these changes was affecting how she felt about him long term, and she said “Yes. Because he’s showing the willingness and capability to change.” Sometimes a little effort is all it takes.

“You think you know who you are. What’s to come. You haven’t even begun.” – Tara, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Restless”

Changing Your Outlook and Focus Will Get Her Attention

I think that there are a couple of things to focus on when trying to change yourself during No Contact and going forward. I’m an organized person, so I tend to really like lists to have a clear outline of my goals to work towards (crossing things off a list also give me immense satisfaction for some odd reason).

So, unsurprisingly, the first thing I recommend doing is creating two lists: One should be of things your ex liked about you, and things you like about yourself (this can be good self-love exercise, too!). The other should be a list of things you know your ex didn’t like about you and add some things you would like to change about yourself as well. Don’t be too hard on yourself. These lists should be similar in length.

Once these two lists are made, proceed to address each of the issues one by one.

Now, I think that these changes can be broken down even further into “lifestyle changes to make” and “behavioral changes to make.” Both are difficult in their own way.
Lifestyle changes can include things such as: quitting smoking, learning to cook, working out more, or learning to play an instrument. These frequently involve learning a new skill or breaking a lifestyle habit.

Behavioral changes take a bit more nuance to tackle, I think. They include things like: getting out of the habit of working overtime every day, listening to your girlfriend complain about her friends without trying to fix it, or learning how to show more physical affection. These are things that take thinking about the mental steps to get to the change.

Both categories are difficult to tackle, don’t get me wrong. But I think that lifestyle changes take a lot of discipline, whereas behavioral changes require you to rewire your brain and the way you think.

When I was younger, I never understood how one could just change their way of thinking. The process seemed so much more complicated than just deciding to change. I’ve realized that deciding to change is part of it, but it is only the first step in a multi-step process.

Steps of Changing Behavior

I think that there are 4 primary steps to changing a behavior, with the middle two steps being the most difficult and time-consuming to achieve.

Step 1 – Awareness: The first step of changing any behavior is to become aware of it. Perhaps it is something that your ex brought up during your relationship, or maybe it is something you’ve always known about yourself but you have been unable or unwilling to change. I think a lot of people tend to get stuck at this awareness stage, which is a dangerous place to be because it leaves you acknowledging that there is a problem, but refusing to take the necessary steps to solve it.

Step 2 – Brainstorming: This stage doesn’t involve taking any action yet, but it does involve thinking about the steps that will be necessary to attack the problem you want to change head-on, and how you will implement them. This stage is very important because if you do not lay the important mental groundwork to make the change, you are doomed to fail.

Step 3 – Action: This is the tough one. Using the brainstorming tactics that you laid out to implement the changes you’ve pinpointed that you want to change. This involves putting steps into action, and there may be some trial and error before the changes really start to take place and your old habits are broken. But if you feel frustrated, go back to the previous brainstorming step and re-visit the tools you set up for yourself there.

Step 4 – Continuing Change: It is not enough to simply change. You must maintain the change long-term until it is absolutely second nature. As in the previous step, there will be slip ups, but if you’ve achieved making the change take place once, it will be much easier to continue it. It takes discipline and hard work, but the reward is so very worth it.

Toolbox of Change to Tip the Scales

So, to recap: The process of getting your ex back is like trying to tip a balance scale. The best way to tip the balance scale to “back in my arms, please” territory is to show genuine change to prove to your ex that a relationship will be different this time. How do you change? You adjust your habits and behaviors. Not only for your ex, but more importantly, for yourself.
If you’ve been following the program for a while, maybe you are at a point with your ex girlfriend where the two of you have been building rapport, hanging out, and going out on dates.

Maybe you’ve even broached the sensitive topic of getting back together.

I think it’s not unusual for an ex to be confused when this comes up, because a lot of the time, they don’t realize that option is on the table, even if it is something that they want.
Once a relationship has been broken, both parties have to think very seriously about if it’s a good

idea to try again, and what they will do differently to ensure that the same result will not happen again. That is why proving change is such an important step, and why 100% of the success stories in the Ex Recovery Program utilized it correctly.

So take the time, do the work, make the necessary changes. These steps are the basis of the Ex Girlfriend Recovery Program. If you can change, the doubts that your ex girlfriend has about you may totally melt away, along with her confusion.

Embrace No Contact. Embrace Change. Tip the Balance Scale.

You will be better for it, ex back or no ex back.

		

Written by EGR team mate

EBR Team Member: Ashley

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23 Comments on "My Ex-Girlfriend is Confused and Doesn’t Know if She Wants to Be With Me"

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Felipe
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I left my girlfriend of 12 years after seeing texts messages of her kissing another man. I have cheated and lied many times to her and have changed. After 6 months she’s been contacting me and we’ve been hanging out a lot and having sex a lot. She won’t commit but wants me around her family and to be with her on Christmas. When I sleep over I notice she goes to the bathroom to answer messages I would imagine from another guy or the guy she cheated on me with. I say nothing to not look needy and to… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Felipe,

check this one:
She Cheated On Me But I Still Love Her

Felipe
Guest
I left my girlfriend of 12 years after seeing texts messages of her kissing another man. I have cheated and lied many times to her and have changed. After 6 months she’s been contacting me and we’ve been hanging out a lot and having sex a lot. She won’t commit but wants me around her family and to be with her on Christmas. When I sleep over I notice she goes to the bathroom to answer messages I would imagine from another guy or the guy she cheated on me with. I say nothing to not look needy and to… Read more »
Confused
Guest
Is it possible my ex girlfriend is gay and doesn’t know or is not ready to admit it? She’s 23 and she’s never had a boyfriend until I came along. Never made out with anyone, or had any real form of intimacy. She was molested once as a young child and for many years blocked it out, but to me it seems that she might be into women. She had a best friend who she spent all of her time with before she was with me. They took trips together, they were always together. I never met the girl because… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

does she mention or show hints of being sexually attracted to women?

Confused
Guest
Sexually attracted no she doesn’t show any signs of being sexually attracted. She just shows a lot of signs of being emotionally depended on her best friend. She treats her best friend the way she should treat her boyfriend. Doing silly little things to brighten their day, making plans, spending a lot of time. Her best friend more times than not comes first and then me. That changed as we got further along in the relationship, but she just seems so stuck on having to be around her best friend. She explained multiple times that she didn’t have anyone that… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

maybe she’s just really used to being around them.. She had her best friend longer than she had you..

Confused
Guest
Yes fair point. So how do I navigate through this then. I am the only boyfriend she’s ever had and she’s said numerous times friendships is all she’s ever known. Her two close friends are single as well, they work together, and hang out a lot outside of work too. So I can only speculate that things might be easier for her now, because she doesn’t have to worry about splitting time and she doesn’t have to worry about letting someone down. Because when we dated we ALL hung out a lot, but there were many times I told her… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor
first stop thinking like that, because if that’s true, she wouldn’t even have a boyfriend in the first place.. second, don’t say you don’t want to be with her friends.. if you get her back, just ask her out casually.. like, I got two tickets, to the movies tonight, let’s go see it.. if she asks to bring her along, say sure as long as they pay for their own ticket.. take it slowly.. later on have trips where it’s not easy for them to just tag along.. like a surprise out of the town in the weekend.. be the… Read more »
Confused
Guest

Yes, we do see each other everyday which is something I’ve said numerous times to others I think the no contact would be ineffective because we constant see each other. I did the thirty days and didn’t feel it had much of an impact on her. I judge that by the fact that she only contacted me on my birthday and she shows tons of animosity towards me on most days. She’ll speak but there’s definitely animosity there. It’s so hard to show her a fun side when she’s got such animosity towards me.

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

After nc, continue spending more time in your activities than in her

Nic
Guest
My ex girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. I have had minimal contact with her (we share properties together so at times have to communicate). There have been times where she has made contact not relating to the properties telling me she misses her best friend, asking if I am ok, she even told me of a drunken night where she kissed another man. She always makes the contact with me. She has even bought up on occasions issues as she saw we had in the relationship. We share a house together that I… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Nic,

You have to restart nc and to only talk to her about the properties.. if she starts drunk calling her just end the call politely and don’t reply to texts about other things.

Patrick
Guest
My girlfriend of a little over 2 years now broke up with me around 3 days ago, after being on a break for about 15-16 days to see if I could improve for her. At first I struggled with letting her go during the break and the full leave from the relationship. (During the break we still talked and met in person and even got quite intimate once or twice) She says that she still loves me and after the time we had together I believe her, but I screwed up big time when I flirted with another girl online… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Patrick,

Are you still in nc now and how active are you in improving yourself and in posting in social media?

Castro
Guest
Hey, I was a relationship of 3 years, pretty serious one, but things became sour and the end and she called for the breakup. She was also in sort of a rebound but later she realised whatever she was doing wasn’t right and came back to me. But suddenly she started feeling whatever we are doing is forcing us back into it. And now After 6 months, it is still the same, I had been into no contact of 14 days, she starts missing me asking to come back and when I start talking about relationship, she says she’s confused… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Castro,

Did you break nc?

Castro
Guest
I Contacted her after 20th day, till between that time she was stalking me, checking my instagram stories, even when she didn’t follow me there. Like Few days back i told her that I missed her as a person and the bond we shared. She replied positively saying I missed you too, there hasn’t been a day I havent thought about you! But again then she started saying things like It’s almost 7 months and I am almost moving on. I can’t guarantee you if I can be back with you! We can keep it open to possibilities! I really… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

What did you say after that? You need to restart nc and she has to think you’re moving on and not chasing her, show it through your posts instead of trying to talk her about it..so you can rebuild rapport.. Tell her being friends is not workable for you right now and then restart at least 30 days nc

Castro
Guest
Hey Amor, First of all Thanks for helping us out, You are doing a great Job! Well after that I played it cool saying, Look I would love to have a future with you but I am not really forcing you! Then she said I am tired of this thing, She said I am fed of you suddenly disappearing and then all trying to talk after some days. She was refering to No Contact. She strictly said that – You shouldn’t expect anything for me, and you shouldn’t be stuck on me now because If I see someone else, you… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

act as if she has moved on.. because right now, her knowing your stuck with her means she’s just seeing you as the chaser..

Vin
Guest
Hey! So after my ex and I broke up (we were together for 2 years and even were engaged), we went through a brief period (only about a week) of no contact. We started texting again, took things slowly, but things were looking up. Eventually after two weeks of texting, we met up and hugged a lot and even had a brief kiss. After that, things looked up for a few more days, we talked about getting together more, going on a new first date, etc. She then started to go to therapy, which led to her having to revisit… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Vin,

Yep, restart nc, stick to atleast 30 days and do it right from there..be active in improving yourself, in posting and then continue that after nc while slowly building rapport