Your ex girlfriend cheated on you…
She betrayed you in the worst possible way. She gave a part of herself (that’s supposed to be reserved for you) to another man. Oh, and she did this on purpose. Her heart and her brain both agreed that it was ok to go outside her relationship with you.
How does that make you feel?
All of the above?
Here’s the ironic part though, despite everything she did to wrong you, you are still in love with her. You want her back. You are willing to give this relationship another shot, to forgive her.
I have to say because of that I respect you.
It takes an incredible person to be able to even want to forgive someone for that type of betrayal. Seriously, you have my respect (and that is a hard thing to earn.) Now, I know you may be looking at this guide and thinking,
“What would make someone want to write a page about getting their cheating ex girlfriend back?”
The truth is that if you have been cheated on you are the wronged party and that automatically puts me in your corner. However, I have an incredible amount of respect for a person who is willing to work though a betrayal like cheating because I know for a fact that I don’t posses that ability.
Seriously, I can put up with a lot in a relationship but cheating… that’s where I draw the line.
You are different than me though. In fact, I might go as far as to say that you are better than me when it comes to this particular aspect so I am more than willing to help you in your quest to get your ex girlfriend back if it is really what you want.
First though, I think it’s important to have a clear definition of what’s considered “cheating.”
The Two Categories Of Cheating
(Learn more about how to get your ex girlfriend back if she cheated by reading my book, Ex Girlfriend Recovery PRO.)
When most people talk about cheating today it is automatically assumed that they are talking about “physical” cheating but it turns out there is another type of cheating that can arguably be more dangerous than physical cheating. The scariest part about it is that women are more likely to engage in this type of cheating.
So, what is it?
It’s emotional cheating.
Now, before you roll your eyes and scoff at the notion I just want to say that when I first heard about emotional cheating I literally thought to myself,
“That’s not a thing. You can only be considered a “cheater” if you get physical with someone.”
Well, my mind quickly changed when I learned more about how women operate and how dangerous emotional cheating can be to a relationship (but more on that later.)
Lets do a quick recap of what we have gone over so far before we continue.
What are the two major types of cheating?
- Physical Cheating
- Emotional Cheating
Let me take a moment to define each. We will start with the more straightforward type of cheating, physical cheating.
What Is Physical Cheating?
Alright, I am a pretty traditional kind of guy so we are going to use my definition on physical cheating since I feel it is the strictest.
For me, physical cheating includes a lot more than just sex.
For example, I would put things like these on the physical cheating list,
- Holding hands with another person romantically.
- Kissing (On the lips.)
- Kissing (On the cheek if you have romantic feelings for the other person. I am not talking about a cheek kiss greeting.)
- Getting to 2nd base with someone.
- Getting to 3rd base with someone.
- Obviously sex.
Of course, there are also other grey areas that can be looked at as cheating (which I probably would.)
For example, what if you went to a club with your girlfriend and she went to the dance floor and started grinding on another guy? Would you consider that cheating? Personally speaking, I would. For those of you who don’t know what grinding is please reference the picture below.
Why is it that I would consider grinding a form of cheating?
First of all, just look at that picture. That is practically the same thing as dry humping except you are standing up. Secondly, if your girlfriend is going to be “grinding” anyone shouldn’t it be you and not some other guy?
(Side Note: Obviously when a couple is dating they set up the ground rules for the relationship. For example, there are some couples who agree upon an open relationship which basically throws cheating out the window. What I am talking about throughout this page are for more traditional relationships.)
What Is Emotional Cheating?
In order to understand emotional cheating in the context I am trying to put it in you need to have some knowledge about the differences between men and women.
Ok, I don’t think I need explain the way men are to you (since we are all men here.) Nevertheless, generally speaking in relationships we crave physical intimacy a little more than women do (though they crave it too.) Women on the other hand crave emotional intimacy more than we do (though we do crave it too.)
Emotional cheating usually occurs when a woman doesn’t feel that her emotional needs are being met by you.
So, what does she do?
She looks elsewhere to have those needs filled.
I think role playing works best for stuff like this so lets use you and your ex girlfriend as an example here.
Lets pretend that the two of you are dating again but you aren’t meeting her emotional needs so she begins to look elsewhere to have them met.
Where does she look?
Well, her friend Bob from work seems like a pertinent choice.
As Bob begins fulfilling her emotional needs the following begins to occur,
- Bob is the first thing she thinks of when she wakes up in the morning (even though your right next to her in bed.)
- She texts Bob more than she texts you.
- She spends a lot of “one on one” time with Bob (nothing physical yet though.)
- She fantasizes about Bob when she is having sex with you.
- She begins to dress up for Bob.
- She looks forward to seeing Bob everyday at work and dreads coming home to you.
- She tells Bob things that she never told you.
- She tells Bob about any marital issues that she is having with you.
Remember, all of this happened because you didn’t fulfill your girlfriends needs and now Bob is her “go to” guy for that.
Still don’t think emotional cheating counts as cheating?
Perhaps this next tidbit of information will change your mind.
It is best to look at emotional cheating as a bridge to physical cheating. Take a look at the bullet list above. Do you realize that everything on that list is what a girlfriend is supposed to think about her boyfriend. The only thing that is missing between your girlfriend and her relationship with Bob is the physical aspect but I guarantee you this. The more that Bob cements his status as her “go-to” emotional guy he gets a step closer to becoming her “go-to” physical guy.
In other words, if your girlfriend is emotionally cheating on you with someone else then the physical aspect of cheating is right around the corner.
Are You a Victim of your Ex Girlfriend Having Sex With Another Guy?
Before we get into why your ex girlfriend decided to climb into the sheets with some other guy, let’s just talk about your feelings and how you go about navigating through all of this mess.
Yep, it ain’t easy to know how to get over your ex girlfriend sleeping with someone else. Whatever led her to decide that she would betray you and have sex with some dude is a bewildering journey in itself. And I promise you we will get there.
But I know what you are feeling. I have heard the story many times and every time I hear it, it becomes clearer and clearer that there is not much out there than can literally drive a man crazy than hearing or knowing that their ex is out there just do it with some other man.
Even knowing how to act out and where to put all these feelings you are going to be experiencing is pretty darn tough.
So I won’t pretend this is easy stuff.
You are probably thinking right now that the thought of her with another man is about to make your head explode right off your body.
And if your are still exercising these demons of seeing your ex girlfriend with her new boyfriend, let me just assure you that there are far worst things in life. You will survive this. But first, you need to stop thinking about your ex sleeping with someone else.
If you don’t, it is going to drive you freaking nuts.
So how do you get over your ex girl or ex wife sleeping with somebody else?
Certainly not by running it through your mind over and over again.
Chances are you actually didn’t see them in the act. You may have been told or are convinced your ex cheated on you. So we are not talking about how to know if your ex girlfriend was sleeping around with someone else. I am assuming she was.
And we are not discussing the particulars of your ex girlfriend’s sexual appetite. I already understand that you are now in this place of utter despair realizing some son of gun has his hands all over your girlfriend’s body.
That’s it, right there. You see what I did to you?
I forced you to think of her cheating again. I gave too many details. But my point is that should be the last time you provide any color or texture to their actual at together because all it does it make you feel horrible.
What good is feeling horrible. This is not about beating yourself up. Nor is it about crucifying your ex girlfriend in your mind.
Going forward you need to accept your ex chose to sleep with someone else already and that is in the past and neither you or her can undue what happened.
And it doesn’t matter whether she did it out of weakness or spite. It happened and dwelling on the sex act or combing through all kinds of images about it is not just torturous, but is going to set you back in your quest to get her back, if that is what you want.
It doesn’t matter if your girlfriend slept with someone else during break or at work or when she traveled home to see her parents.
It happened. As promised, we will get into why. But I am concerned right now about you mindset.
To get past all of the pent up anger and resentment that has bubbled up inside you because of your ex girlfriend’s hanky panky, you need to get really physical. I am not talking about putting your fist through a wall. Or running out an banging every girl you know.
I am talking about chasing out those thoughts in your head.
Believe me, trying to think your way through this in the beginning is not going to work. You will find yourself in this loop of disbelieve and shock and all kinds of upset feelings as you try to square what happened with what you did or said.
Don’t go there.
Don’t over think this.
Women, like guys, do stupid things and your ex girlfriend getting in bed with some other dude can be about any number of things.
Trying to lock down the one reason that caused this and trying to figure out why she did it is often a losing battle. You may never understand why your ex betrayed you. She might not even understand what was going on in her own head when she crossed the cheating line.
When you strip it all down, just remember that sex is a primal emotion and there are all kinds of chemicals and hormones at work in the brain that can cause your ex girlfriend to go a little sex crazy.
OK, so let’s get back to what I want you to do.
First, stop thinking about them being together in that sexual way. Or in any way, for that matter. If your ex is still with this other guy, then don’t think about what they may be doing sex wise, or how they might be doing it.
As I said, doing so is synonymous with self torture and that gets your nowhere except the gutter of despair.
Your focus should be ridding yourself of all these terrible stress hormones that are piling up in your brain and the best way to do that is replace them with better brain chemicals, natural ones.
I want you to do something physical and do it a lot. I don’t care if it involves running or biking or swimming. Just so long as you physically exert yourself. Do it a lot. Make a new routine where you do it daily.
Then I also want you to listen to a lot of music. Not angry music. Not music about romance. But listen to music that has a calming influence on you. If you know how to play an instrument, then even better. Do it and do it often.
Now don’t go out and have have a lot of hot smoking, physical sex with a bunch of other women. Don’t contact your ex girlfriend and tell her how you banged her best friend or have been on the prowl for sexy women.
Don’t go get drunk because most assuredly, you will do something really STUPID.
That might make you feel pretty good for a spell, but it won’t help you in the long run. In fact, if your ex catches wind that you are out there having sex with everything that moves, guess what she is going to do.
That’s right. For every sexual action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Now, your ex girlfriend and her hooking up with this other guy is not just going to fly right on out of your mind, never to be remembered again.
Nope, it doesn’t work that way.
But it won’t be on your mind 24/7. That is where I need to get you. Once you are in a better place, then you will have a greater chance on implementing the rest of my advice.
Why Your Ex Girlfriend Cheated On You
What have we learned so far about the differences between men and women?
Well, men tend to be more physical and women tend to be a tad bit more emotional.
Turns out that this phenomenon carries over to the reasons women cheat. Take men for example, generally speaking most men cheat because they get horny. They see a hot girl in the office and think to themselves,
“I’d like to tap that…”
So, when their wives or girlfriends aren’t fulfilling their needs sexually they may look elsewhere.
Women are different though. They are much more emotional in the way they cheat. For example, they will cheat for emotional reasons (which I will cover below) but it’s not just that, they will become attached to the affair. Men are much more likely to have a one night stand. Women on the other hand, are much more likely to carry on the affair and grow attached to the person they cheat with.
Now that we have that basic understanding under our belts we can start talking about your specific situation.
You are here because your ex girlfriend cheated on you and you want her back. Well, before we can dive into the “getting her back” part we need to first understand why she felt the need to go outside the relationship.
Why is this important to understand?
Well, there are a number of reasons why it’s important.
- First, it is going to give you insight into what she was thinking when she decided to cheat on you. This insight is going to be valuable because you are going to gain a deeper understanding of her perspective.
- Second, it is going to highlight what you could have done differently in the relationship to potentially have stopped her from cheating on you.
- Finally, it is going to teach you to “cheat proof” your relationship with your ex or any other woman in the future assuming that this doesn’t work out with your ex.
What do you say that we get started?
Her Emotional Needs Weren’t Met
Let me try to put this the best way that I possibly can. Lets say that you and your ex girlfriend were living together during your relationship. You had a small apartment and both were working very hard on it to make rent.
For most couples in love this sounds like a dream right? I mean, living together is supposed to be exciting, right?
Well, there’s just one problem.
Both of you are working so hard that you barely get to see one another. Whats worse is that neither person is making an effort after work since you are both so tired.
As a result, she feels alone in the relationship.
You used to be the one person she could trust more than anyone with anything. She could come to you when she was worried and you were able to cure her fears. Any time she needed you there to meet any of her emotional needs you would do so.
It’s different now.
The two of you barely talk anymore.
That’s when our good friend Bob comes into the picture and we all know how that ends.
When you first met your ex girlfriend she fell in love with a certain version of you. I know that is kind of a weird thing to say but bear with me here. Lets pretend for a moment that we can jump into a time machine and go back to the first day that you met her.
What were you like back then?
Well, you were probably really put together. You dressed nicely, were in shape, smelled good and were incredibly sweet and nice.
Now lets jump back into that time machine and go to the present day.
Currently, you aren’t such a catch anymore.
You have taken her for granted and as a result you don’t dress up nicely for her anymore. Also, you have packed on about 20lbs and lost that six pack you were so proud of.
Do you still smell good?
Actually yes, that’s the one thing that didn’t change but it doesn’t really matter because that sweet and nice demeanor that she feel for has turned into cruel and mean.
So, tell me.
What about your big “change” is going make a woman want to stick around?
To be honest I am surprised that she remained faithful as long as she did.
I went through all the comments on my other site, Ex Boyfriend Recovery, specifically on those pages relating to women cheating and determined the top reasons for cheating.
Wondering what they were?
Well, there were three things that women typically cited for the reasons they cheated. After seeing them all I crossed one off the list because, “being drunk” isn’t a reason in my mind it’s just an excuse.
The other two I felt were legitimate though.
Emotional needs (which I covered above) and revenge (which I am covering now.)
If you cheated on your girlfriend first then it’s only human nature for her to make you want to feel the pain she is feeling.
In other words, it may be highly likely that she is going to go out and cheat on you just to get back at you. If you don’t think that she is capable of that then I have over a thousand women on Ex Boyfriend Recovery that say otherwise.
She’s A Serial Cheater
Some women are just rotten apples.
Seriously, men get a bad rap all the time for cheating. I mean, you always hear about the men who are serial cheaters but you know what, women can be serial cheaters too.
The most horrifying thing about these women is that no matter how perfect you are in the relationship they will still cheat on you.
Why? Because they are always on the lookout for something better. Almost like a virus jumping from host to host trying to work its way up to the top.
How are you supposed to know if your ex girlfriend is one of these women?
I have found the best way to determine this is to look at her past. Did she cheat on her other boyfriends? If so, how many times did she cheat? History is usually a predictor of future behavior and if you are dating someone who has cheated on all of her partners (and cheated on you) then I think its a pretty safe bet to assume that she has a problem.
This is a case where I would say that you shouldn’t try to get your ex girlfriend back because she is a high risk to cheat on you again.
My Rules About Getting A Cheater Back
(If you need a complete game plan for getting your girlfriend or wife back make sure you take a look at my book, Ex Girlfriend Recovery PRO.)
Lets not beat around the bush here.
Your girlfriend messed up pretty badly. She doesn’t get a pass for that. I mean, even if you were the one to cheat on her first she shouldn’t have gone out and fought fire with fire. That’s just not a good way to deal with the situation.
My only concern at this point is your well being (not your girlfriends.)
Now, I understand that you want your ex girlfriend back but there are a few things that you are going to have to consider before we can even talk about that.
Living With The Fact That She Cheated On You
Lets say that you do end up getting your ex girlfriend back.
Well, for most guys this is looked at as an incredibly exciting prospect. For you though, since she cheated on you, you are going to have to live with one constant thought,
“She was with another guy… What if she does it again?”
If you think this thought is going to go away relatively quickly then you are wrong. It can sometimes take YEARS to forgive a betrayal like this. Whats worse is what if the guy she cheated with is still in her life?
Ah, now that is an interesting question.
Ok, what I am about to recommend here may be a little extreme but I think it needs to happen in order for the relationship with your ex girlfriend to be successful.
What You Are Entitled To
This is my one rule about getting back with your ex girlfriend.
My ONE rule.
So, listen up.
If you get back together with your ex girlfriend and the person she cheated with is still in her life then the chances of your relationship with your ex girlfriend working out isn’t very good. Every time she texts him, talks to him on the phone or is around him in person you are going to drive yourself crazy with assumptions.
“Are they cheating again?”
“What are they talking about?”
“What is it about that guy that she likes?”
Personally, I think it is a giant slap in the face on her part if she wouldn’t be willing to cut “Bob” out of the picture.
So, here is my rule.
If your ex girlfriend wouldn’t be willing to end her relationship with the guy (Bob 😉 ) she cheated with completely and I mean never talking to him again in any way shape or form then your ex girlfriend isn’t worth even trying to get back.
Why is this rule so important?
Again, your well being is my only priority right now and I can tell you that you aren’t going to be able to forgive her for cheating on you if she still has this Bob in her life.
(Don’t you like how we labeled the guy shes cheating with as Bob?)
Now, fair is fair. If you ended up cheating on her first then you have to be willing to end all communication with the girl you cheated with so you can remove any doubt from her mind as well.
The reason this rule is so important is that it is going to help you in the moving on process. So, instead of having those worries about Bob you are going to be able to focus on repairing your relationship. Remember, even with Bob out of the picture it is till going to take some time for you to be able to trust her again.
However, if she agrees to this rule it is going to speed things along.
If she doesn’t agree to this rule then I am sorry to tell you but she is not even worth your time anymore.
Lets move on and talk about what steps you need to take to get her back.
How To Get Her Back If She Cheated On You
Lets say that you decide that you want your ex girlfriend (who cheated on you) back. What are you supposed to do to make this happen?
Well, just because your ex cheated on you doesn’t necessarily mean that getting her back is going to be an easy task. One of the biggest misconceptions that men have about their cheating ex girlfriends is the fact that they are going to come crawling back to them.
This is not always the case because in your exes mind YOU drove them to cheating on you. Oh, not to mention that they are probably terrified that you won’t ever be able to get past their betrayal and are afraid that you will probably hold it against them for the duration of your relationship.
lets talk a little about that.
Her Fears About Getting Back Together With You
She cheated on you.
Those are the facts and nothing she says is going to change it.
Infidelity in relationships is the number one betrayal that another human being can commit to another. Both you and your girlfriend were probably aware of this while you were together. This makes your ex extremely wary of getting back into a relationship with you for a number of different reasons.
Reason 1- What If He Never Forgives Me?
Your ex girlfriend cheated on you and unless you are some sort of robot you are probably still very angry about that fact.
I am going to use myself as an example here for a moment. Speaking personally, if an ex girlfriend of mine had cheated on me I would find it incredibly hard to forgive her of this fact.
For the sake of argument lets say that I was able to get this ex girlfriend back who had cheated on me. Well, the entire time I would be with her I would probably only be thinking of her betrayal.
When I would hold her hand I would think,
“I wonder if she did this with that other guy…”
When I would kiss I would think,
“The other guy kissed her like this..”
When I would make love to her I would think,
“Some other guy probably did this to her..”
These thoughts would cause me to grow very resentful and I would hold against her. Speaking personally, I am not sure I could get past it ever. (That is me personally and not you.)
This would be your ex girlfriends greatest fear. She may be scared to get back into a relationship with you because she knows you may never forgive her for her infidelity.
Reason 2- He May Cheat On Me Now..
Lets not beat around the bush here. Some men can get so angry at an ex girlfriend cheating on them that they may cheat on them out of spite just to get back at them.
Women aren’t dumb.
In fact, I would say that as a whole women are a lot smarter than men.
They weigh their options very carefully before they wade back into a situation where they could potentially get hurt emotionally.
This is one of those types of situations where your ex could be at risk of getting hurt emotionally if she gets back with you?
Well, she is probably going to have this thought,
“I cheated on him so in a way I almost feel like I gave him a free pass to cheat on me and he may be vindictive enough to fight fire with fire just to get back at me because it hurt him so much.”
This is why I have a strict rule that your ex has to end everything with the person she cheated with. This acts as a form of justice. She proves that you are the most important thing to her and your anger is somewhat cured (hopefully enough for you to not want to revenge cheat.)
Reason 3- He Made Me Cheat On Him
Here is an interesting paradigm shift.
Generally speaking women don’t cheat unless they have a reason (unless they are serial cheaters.)
It might be entirely possible that you weren’t providing your ex with what she needed emotionally so she felt so alone that she went elsewhere to find it (Bob.) Well, the resistance that your ex girlfriend may face when she is contemplating whether or not to get back together with you is if she wants to get back into a situation where she felt completely alone.
Try to look at it from her perspective for a moment.
If she felt so alone in her relationship with you that she was forced to cheat on you to feel “fulfilled” why would she want to put herself in a situation where that could occur again?
I think the only way that you can overcome this resistance is if you convince her that things could be different. Yes, your ex girlfriend was the one who messed up but if you also show her that you are aware that you take some of the blame for pushing her to a point where she actually had to cheat she may be receptive and open her mind to coming back to you.
Is The No Contact Rule A Good Idea?
If you have read any of the other pages of this site you are probably aware of the fact that I recommend the no contact rule a lot.
Of course, none of the other pages on this site have ever dealt with cheating.
So, what are the rules of no contact when you are trying to get back an ex who cheated on you?
Is no contact even necessary?
You bet your butt it is!
Two Advantages Of NC In This Case
I have found in cases where exes have cheated the no contact rule can be extremely effective in two ways.
First, the no contact rule can act as a time where you can kind of cool down.
Hey, your ex cheated on you and if you aren’t upset about that then there is something clearly wrong with you. If you were to take a 21-45 day period where you just cut your ex out of your life for a while and focus on yourself you can work on moving past her betrayal.
(Again, that is easier said than done.)
Second, the no contact rule is going to drive your ex nuts and this is a good thing.
In my experience, an ex girlfriend who cheats is more likely to want to beg for your forgiveness. So, if she starts begging for your forgiveness and you don’t give it to her (right now) due to the no contact rule she is going to feel bad about what she did but she will also begin to put you on a pedestal.
Instead of thinking about moving on she is going to be stuck on getting YOU back.
I wanted to remind you to take a few minutes and comment below. We might just be able to give you some quick advice and if you have a story about your situation, we want to hear about it!