So you want to make your ex girlfriend more sexually attracted to you, eh.
I am sure that you have probably read a lot of articles before stumbling across this gem.
(Do you like how I am already bragging about myself?)
How rude of me.
I haven’t even introduced myself.
My name is Chris Seiter,
And I am what you would call a “Sexually Attractive Man” 😉 .
Lets take a moment to let that sink in.
All kidding aside I am a professional relationship consultant who specializes in not only keeping couples together but helping them get back together as well. So, when I tell you that I know how to make you more sexually attractive to your ex girlfriend you will know that I know what I am talking about.
I suppose the best way to start this article isn’t by talking about the things that you can do to become more sexually attractive to your ex girlfriend but by talking about the current state of affairs. In other words, talking about the way things are now.
The Way Your Ex Girlfriend Sees You Now
What is a simple way of teaching you this?
Oh, I got it!
Here is how you want your ex girlfriend to see you,
Now, obviously your ex girlfriend doesn’t see you that way.
Instead, the way she sees you right now probably looks more like this,
And therein lies our problem.
I can’t tell you how many times I have run across a guy who comes up to me and asks,
Chris what can I do to make my ex girlfriend sexually attracted to me again? Just give me a list of things I can do right now and I will do them.
Our society is obsessed with shortcuts and getting to things in the quickest way possible and what often happens when you rush things that shouldn’t be rushed?
YOU MAKE MISTAKES..
(But more on that in a second.)
First I’d like to throw a fun fact out there for you. Did you know that the human attention span only stands at a little above eight seconds?
A freaking goldfish…
Has a higher attention span than we do.
(It’s 9 seconds in case you were wondering.)
To be honest I have no idea why I went on that little “sch-peel.” Maybe I just wanted to prove to you that I know stuff like that….
Nope… I just told you that goldfish thing to re-iterate the fact that when you rush things YOU MAKE MISTAKES!!!
Getting an ex girlfriend to become sexually attracted to you again isn’t a matter of me just listing off the qualities that you need to exhibit in order to make it happen. Your missing the boat big time if that’s all your after.
(Which in the quote above that was what that guy who was asking me a question was after.)
Besides, your only winning half the battle if you do that.
The other half the battle is overcoming your ex girlfriends view of you right now.
I mean, there is no way that any woman is going to find you attractive if she thinks you are the devil which your ex girlfriend clearly does.
Because of the breakup.
Now, I don’t want to get too graphic here but breakups tend to bring out the worst in human beings and in my experience even in those breakups that were “mutual” there is always someone who is a little more resentful.
It’s hard when you invest time into a relationship and it doesn’t pan out.
I mean, look at you.
You are clearly hurting due to the breakup with your ex girlfriend. If you weren’t then I can guarantee you that you wouldn’t be here. You’d probably be off trying to get a new girlfriend or something like that.
Anyways, I am getting off topic again.
My point in showing you the graphic above is that I am basically going to divide this entire article into two sections.
But before I start getting into the nitty gritty there, there is something that I want to discuss with you.
Sexual Attraction Vs. Regular Attraction
What is this article entitled?
“How To Make Your Ex Girlfriend Sexually Attracted To You,” right?
This isn’t an article about how to make your ex girlfriend more “regular” attracted to you.
And yes… there is a difference.
A big one.
(Fun Fact: I already wrote an article about how to make your ex girlfriend more attracted to you.)
The big difference between regular attraction and sexual attraction is that word…
It’s one word…
Kind of a big deal…
Kind of the reason for our existence.
Starts with an “S” and ends with an “exual.”
Yup, when you pit sexual attraction versus regular attraction there are a few noticeable differences.
Lets start with regular attraction.
I just realized that this is going to be hard to explain to a guy because we aren’t really wired this way.
I suppose I will just give you the example I was going to use (even though I know it’s not going to click for you but lets wing it and see what happens.)
Imagine that you are sitting at a coffee shop all by your lonesome and you see a really pretty girl walk in and you are immediately drawn to her. In fact, you are drawn to her so much that you start fantasizing about her.
Just nice little fantasies about the two of you running through a field of flowers holding hands…
You know, regular stuff.
Well, this is what I would classify as regular attraction.
Now, I know that this is probably going to be hard for you to wrap your mind around because as men we are a lot more sexual in nature. In fact, more of our fantasies revolve around “playfully tackling” that woman who you are running through the field of flowers with and making sweet, sweet love to her ALL NIGHT LONG…
I’m sorry… I couldn’t resist.
Anyways, having a fantasy like that (about sex) fall into the “sexual attraction” category.
This is the kind of attraction that I am going to be writing about in this article.
Basically the premise of sexual attraction revolves around making your ex girlfriend want to have sex with you.
In other words, whenever she has a fantasy she skips that lovey dovey crap and gets right down to the nasty…
Sounds pretty good to you, right?
Well, lets not get too excited yet.
Sexual attraction is the hardest type of attraction to achieve.
I mean, regular attraction is simple to accomplish when compared to sexual attraction.
SA (sexual attraction) is challenging to achieve because of a few of reasons.
Reason #1- You are her ex and she already knows everything about you “in that way.”
Reason #2- Slut shaming
Now, I am going to talk a lot about your ex girlfriend already knowing everything about you “in that way” when it comes to the “overcoming your ex girlfriends view of you” section below. So, to save you from hearing me re-iterate point after point lets just skip to the slut shaming.
Have you ever looked up the actual definition of “slut shaming?”
It’s quite interesting.
I got this definition from a website called greekfeminisim.wikia.com,
Slut shaming- is the act of criticizing a woman for her real or presumed sexual activity, or for behaving in ways that someone thinks are associated with her real or presumed sexual activity.
A couple of things I want you to note here.
That word is important because it means that even if something is not a reality but if it is presumed as a reality then you can be slut shamed.
Ok, lets pretend that a girl has a “reputation” as being a bit more sexual than her counterparts.
Lets also say that she met a guy who she really liked but because of her reputation everyone assumes that she had sex with that guy when the fact is that she didn’t. As a result of this presumption everyone looks down on her and gives her this look,
No woman wants this look.
Women like to be regarded as beautiful, sophisticated creatures not “easy ones.”
Now, how does slut shaming matter when it comes to you?
Ah, I am glad you asked.
Have you ever noticed that there is a negative connotation around people who want to get back with their exes?
I am sure you have heard it before.
“Why would you want an ex back?”
“There are plenty of fish in the sea. Don’t get your line caught on one.”
“Ah, you are better off without him/her.”
Well, women are a bit different than us guys. They like to talk to other people about their problems.
I mean, if you are anything like me then you don’t like involving other people in your problems. You like to take care of business yourself.
Women share and men don’t…
Well, the fact that women do share their feelings with other people means they get more feedback. So, they are more likely to hear the famous lines I delivered above. You know, “there’s plenty of fish in the sea,” and things like that. As a result, they already have preconceived notions about getting back with you.
In other words, they are going to get “ex boyfriend shamed.”
Even if she did want you back she knows her decision will not be looked upon very favorably by others and she will be berated for it. This scares her.
Then when you add in the fact that slut shaming exists and if she were to sleep with you she would not only be slut shamed but ex boyfriend shamed as well.
You have a double whammy of badness right there.
Do you see all of the things you have working against you?
This isn’t going to be an easy task.
BUT I am going to do everything in my power to help you and I suppose the best way to start is by talking about how you can overcome the way your ex girlfriend views you right now.
Overcoming How Your Ex Girlfriend Sees You Right Now
Above I mentioned that your ex girlfriend views you as the devil.
If you want your ex girlfriend to be sexually attracted to you then you are going to have to overcoming this devil persona.
Besides no one wants to sleep with the devil.
Well, maybe that’s not true but no one wants to sleep with THAT devil.
So, the question now becomes,
How can you overcome your ex girlfriends view of you right now?
Well, I have developed a three step game plan to accomplish the goal.
Those three steps are,
- No Contact
- Opposite Day
- Self Affirmation Conditioning
Lets start with no contact.
The No Contact Rule
There is nothing too out of the ordinary here.
But it’s especially important here.
Because not only is it going to go a long ways for changing your ex girlfriends view of you but it is also going to give you the necessary time to learn the proper way to build sexual attraction with an ex (but more on that later.)
The no contact rule is actually a very simple idea but don’t let that fool you. Just because it’s simple doesn’t mean that it’s going to be easy to pull off. In fact, I would say that the no contact rule only has a 20% completion rate.
You know what that means, right?
It means that 80% of the men who try the no contact rule end up failing.
So, lets say that I tell you to do a 21 day no contact rule.
That means that for 21 days you can’t talk to your ex girlfriend in any way shape or form.
If she texts you then you ignore it…
If she calls you then you ignore the call…
If she shows up to your house in person and catches you off guard… Well, you don’t act like an asshole and blow her off. You just keep the conversation nice and light and cut it short as soon as you have an opening. But even I will admit that having an ex girlfriend show up at your house because you are ignoring her is rare.
Most men can’t do all of this stuff.
Most men break the first time their exes contact them.
That’s a fact.
Don’t let the simple idea of the no contact rule fool you. It’s going to be hard BUT if you want her to change the way she looks at you it needs to be done.
Lets move on and talk about something I like to call, “opposite day.”
Albert Einstein once said,
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
It’s literally insane of you to think that by acting the same way towards your ex girlfriend that she is going to have a different view of you.
What’s a good way that I can explain this?
Ah, I got it.
Lets say that one of the prime reasons that your ex girlfriend broke up with you is due to the fact that you were a little overly needy and desperate.
As I say in my book, you were a GNAT to her.
In other words, instead of viewing you as her loving, caring boyfriend she looks at you as a guy who just won’t shut up and leave her alone.
Well, when it comes to building sexual attraction and changing her view of you what makes you think that you can be the same ole desperate/needy guy?
Instead, you are going to have to undergo a significant change in the way you approach your ex girlfriend.
What is this significant change?
It’s the “opposite day mindset.”
As a kid I am sure you have heard that crazy little game,
Where everything is basically the opposite of what you say.
When you say yes… you really mean no.
When you say hi… you really mean bye.
Well, I want you to employ the same type of mindset to the way you act with your ex.
Look, you are in the predicament you are currently in because of the way you acted in the past so lets do the exact opposite of what you did.
Now, this begs an interesting question. Should you do the exact opposite of everything?
NO. I think you have to be selective with this.
For example, if you are doing the no contact rule and your ex girlfriend calls you and leaves a voicemail that she wants you back and your first instinct is to call her back should you do the opposite of that? Absolutely not. The whole point of everything we are doing is to ultimately get her back.
Don’t be stupid.
Just play the “opposite game” on things that make sense. Like if your instinct tells you to comfort her when you know that, that isn’t going to help you get her back at all.
You shouldn’t comfort her.
What if your instinct is telling you to reach out to her during the no contact rule and she hasn’t given you any huge signs like leaving a voicemail about wanting you back.
Well, DON’T reach out to her. There is actually a perfect way that I can sum this entire section up for you.
If your goal is to change your ex girlfriends view on you then the only way to do that is to zig when she expects you to zag. It’s really that simple.
Self Affirmation Conditioning
When I was researching for this article I ended up stumbling across an idea that psychologists believe is essential for changing someones mind.
Care to take a guess at what that idea is?
It’s really no fair because I gave you the answer in the freaking section title.
Yup, it’s “self affirmation conditioning.”
Here is the gist of the theory,
People who feel good about themselves are more likely to be open minded
Psychologists did studies on what factors changed someones mind about something and they found that SAC (self affirmation conditioning) was a key factor. In fact, they found that before you try to change someones mind about something if you ask them to remember something that gave them a positive view of themselves they would be more susceptible to changing their opinions on something.
In fact, I found a very interesting article from Psychology Today citing a study that proved this theory.
Back in 2008 psychologist gathered two groups of Republicans who had strong views about keeping troops overseas in Iraq to fight in the war,
Both groups were then shown statistics on how having troops stationed in Iraq actually lowered violence there.
In other words, they were both shown something that would further re-enforce their current beliefs.
However, only one group of republicans was asked to perform a self affirmation conditioning activity.
To be specific…
They were asked to remember a time that they felt good about themselves because they lived up to a moral value that they held.
Out of these two groups which do you think had more people changing their minds?
Yup, the group that performed the self affirmation activity.
You see, the group that performed the self affirmation activity reasoned that since the troops overseas had succeeded in lowering violence in Iraq they could now pull out. However, the group that did not perform the SAA (self affirmation activity) remained pretty adamant about keep the troops overseas.
So, what does any of this have to do with your ex girlfriend?
Well, our ultimate goal here is to change her mind about you right?
To change her entire view of you.
Well, according to the study performed by psychologists above the best way to do that is to get your ex girlfriend feeling good about herself.
The mistake a lot of people make when it comes to self affirmation is that they think they can be a catalyst for a woman feeling good. It doesn’t work that way.
In case you didn’t notice, it’s called SELF affirmation.
Meaning that YOU can’t do any of the work. Your ex girlfriend has to do it all.
What you can do is ask her the right type of questions that will lead her into doing a self affirming exercise. Once she has done a self affirming exercise then that’s when you can do something to try to change her mind about you.
So, here is a brief overview of how it works.
Step One: You Ask Your Ex Girlfriend A Question That Leads To Her Self Affirming
The question needs to make her think of herself in a positive light.
Here is an example,
“Hey, tell me about the best day of your life?”
“What would you say your biggest accomplishment in life is so far?”
Step Two: Do Something To Re-Enforce That Your Ex Girlfriend Has The Wrong View Of You
Opposite day theory is coming to mind here.
Not much more I can say on this…
Lets move on to the real reason you are here, building sexual attraction.
How To Make Your Ex Girlfriend Sexually Attracted To You
What makes a woman want to have sex with a man?
It’s an interesting question for us guys since women are a mystery to most of us.
In my research I learned some things…
And let me tell you what I learned is pretty awesome!
Making your ex girlfriend sexually attracted to you really only boils down to four things.
Yup, four things!
Sounds too good to be true, right?
Well, I am not bullshitting you.
Once you master these four things you can potentially make your ex girlfriend want to sleep with you.
(You knew a “but” was coming didn’t you?)
Mastering them is extremely difficult.
Alright… enough chit chat.
Lets get down to business.
What are these mythical four things I keep talking about?
Humans possess fundamental psychological needs that need to be met.
If we do not meet these basic needs then we will suffer and can even end up dying.
For example, you have a need to eat food and drink water, right?
What happens if you do not meet this need?
You will actually starve to death.
Well, when the conversation turns to sex you should know that humans have four fundamental needs.
In other words, humans (including your ex girlfriend) have sex for four different reasons,
- Self Esteem
So, building sexual attraction in your ex girlfriend is simply a matter of hitting on these four fundamental needs.
Ah, but here is where things get a bit more complicated.
Women place a different emphasis on each of these fundamental needs.
For example, some women may place more emphasis on security as opposed to autonomy.
Heck, they may place more of an emphasis on connection as opposed to self esteem.
So, here is what I would like to do. I would like to assign a percentage value to each of these four fundamental sexual needs when talking about them so I can give you an idea of what you probably should focus more of your time on.
What is this percentage value based on?
Well, my own opinion of course!
Lets begin with security!
When you look at history as a whole a woman’s best route to a future with a family was to marry a successful man.
(Sorry ladies it’s the truth.)
Why is this though?
Why do women need to rely on men so much.
Well, lets go back to the caveman times.
Lets say that you are a woman and you are in a world that is truly survival of the fittest.
There are rival caveman tribes that want to kill you…
The human race hasn’t evolved very much so we aren’t as smart as we are now…
You aren’t very strong so that prevents you from hunting as good as the men…
You aren’t able to have a say in much that happens since the men are in charge…
What do you do?
How do you survive in a situation like that?
Well, it looks like your only option is to use sex as a way to guarantee your security.
The thinking goes like this,
Now, obviously today things are a bit different but when you get to the core of human relationships this need for security does still exist in women. So, even though women have made tremendous strides in equality when you look at our races from an evolutionary perspective women and men need each other.
Women are the yin to our yang.
So, even though things have changed a lot today this idea for security still exists and while I am sure no woman wants to be totally reliant on a man I think that men and women will always need each other.
And this brings us to your ex girlfriend.
Let me ask you a question.
If you were to put yourself in your ex girlfriends shoes do you honestly think that she is going to look at you and think,
“Wow, now I can really see a secure future with that guy!”
The two of you just broke up.
In fact, I would go as far as even saying that you are her least secure option.
How do you remedy this?
Well, unfortunately the only way to remedy this is to actually get her back.
Not a lot of actionable stuff I can give you right now other than check out my strategies and start implementing those.
Self Esteem (15%)
Do you remember my little section on “slut shaming” above?
Well, when you look at the history of sex and women it turns out that women have an inverse relationship with sex and their need for esteem.
I mean, society often suppresses a woman’s sexuality.
Maybe I am not explaining this the right way.
Ok, lets start at the beginning.
Self Esteem is defined as,
Confidence in ones own worth or abilities
For example, if you were to ask me how to get an ex girlfriend back I have enough self esteem to say that I am one of the best people online that you could ask. However, if you were to ask me to explain rocket science to you I don’t have any self esteem about that.
So, that’s self esteem.
Now, above I mentioned that women are often “slut shamed” or suppressed when it comes to their sexuality.
In other words, they are often put down for being candid about their sex lives. Hell, some religions even put them to death for having extramarital affairs.
As a result of all of this suppression they don’t look to sex to get more self esteem. Instead, they look elsewhere.
This may be tough for you to wrap your mind around as a man (hey I am one I get it) since you probably do gain a sense of self worth or “confidence” when you have sex with a woman.
Anyways, the point of me telling you this isn’t to tell you NOT to focus on hitting on your ex girlfriends self esteem it’s to explain why self esteem is only rated at a 15%.
What does this mean?
It’s one of those words that you hear all the time but when push comes to shove you can’t quite define it when asked point blank.
Now, by admitting this I may lose all my “cool cred” but whatever.
I would rather be transparent with you than be fake.
When I first did research on our four fundamental sexual needs I mistook autonomy for automatic. In other words, I mistook it for a man or woman wanting to have sex over and over again.
That’s not what autonomy is…
Feel free to slap me upside the head now!
Here is what autonomy really means,
Freedom from external control or influence; independence
This actually makes a lot of sense when you consider what I just taught you about self esteem and the suppression of a woman’s sexuality.
Imagine that you are a woman and you are in jail.
(I totally took that picture from The Dark Knight Rises. Don’t you love that movie?)
Anyways, now lets pretend that “jail” actually is meant to represent the suppression from society that women experience when it comes to their sexuality.
Wouldn’t it feel incredible to add a bit of autonomy to the mix?
Wouldn’t it feel great to not be judged or care about being judged when it comes to having sex?
Women crave independence.
Well, autonomy is like a woman breaking out of jail.
And sex is a great tool for that.
They feel like they are rebelling.
Like they are doing what they want to do as opposed to what is expected of them.
Someone women can have sex just on that basis.
But again, I would have to say that’s a rarity since autonomy only is about 15% of the equation.
In fact, it pails in comparison to our final fundamental need.
Think about everything I have taught you so far when it comes to the four fundamental needs.
I taught you about a need for security…
I taught you about how society causes women to look elsewhere for self esteem instead of sex…
Oh, and who can forget the jail analogy with autonomy…
I want to go back to the self esteem section a bit and talk about the suppression part one more time. So, as a woman you have society suppressing your sexuality so much that you don’t really feel the need to use it for self esteem. Instead, you are much more likely to use sex as a way to seek out a connection.
I don’t know who to blame this need for a connection on…
As much as I’d like to trot Disney out here and blame them for this idea of a connection the truth is that humans are just wired for emotional attachment.
It’s just the way we are.
Lets look at the story of an average human life.
A human is born to two parents who love the human more than anything.
They look after it…
And as a result of all of this the human feels an emotional connection back.
Day after day…
Month after month…
Year after year…
This emotional connection grows stronger and stronger and becomes re-enforced until eventually that human is old enough to find it’s own mate.
All of this love and emotional attachment that the human felt from and for it’s parents it is going to seek out in a mate.
Now, lets pretend that your ex girlfriend is the human I am talking about.
That means that from the moment she was born her parents had a connection to her and her to them.
After years or re-enforcement from the family unit she cultivated her own idea of what a strong connection looks like until it was her turn to look for a partner.
Now, lets say that she finds a potential partner (you.)
Well, she isn’t going to sleep with you until she is sure that you can touch on the connection that she built up in her mind after years of seeing and feeling from her parents.
So, I guess I am blaming your ex girlfriends parents for her need of a connection!