Okay, so today we’re going to do something a little bit different.
Now normally what I do is I leave kind of the phone lines open. I let people leave voicemails to ask me a question, and then I answer those questions, but I thought I’d kind of flip the script a little bit and let you behind the scenes into one of my coaching sessions.
So right now there’s just this really awesome guy that I’m coaching.
And I asked him, I said, “Hey, if there was one question that you wanted an answer to more than anything, what would that be?”
And so he wrote down the question for me. I’m going to read it. And after I read it, I’m going to kind of riff, kind of give you an idea, because I read his question obviously before I started recording.
And I think it’s going to not only tackle a lot of the emotions that happen after a breakup, but also a lot of the doubt and the worry, and sort of how you kind of have to embark on this program with not a lot of faith that you’re going to succeed in the end. And that’s really difficult to deal with.
So without further ado, here’s his question.
What Can I Do If I Feel Like Getting My Ex Back Is A Lost Cause?
So I ask him real quick, “If there’s one question that you wanted an answer to you more than anything, what would it be?”
Here’s his response.
“I just totally feel that it’s a lost cause at this point, Chris. I’m speaking from my head and not my heart. She truly loves this guy and only calls me when it comes to money situations. She has acknowledged multiple times that he can’t keep up with her bills and lifestyle, but that she truly loves him. Today is my 40th birthday. And her and I were supposed to spend some time together and she said that wouldn’t be fair to the other guy. The writing is on the wall. And it’s time for me to walk away. She said that she feels he is going to ask her to marry him eminently, and she is going to say yes. So I guess I don’t have any questions. I think it’s overdue that I walk away and understand it. I lost.”
So I’m actually just going to talk directly to my client now.
So I don’t want that to throw any of you off because essentially what this is is sort of like a little bit behind the scenes coaching call, where no names are going to be used, and we’re just going to be dealing with the situation at hand.
So here’s what we got.
Taking Stock Of What I’m Seeing With Success Stories
We got essentially a situation where you’re sitting there, not necessarily feeling sorry for yourself, but you’re kind of wallowing in the despair because so much seems to be going wrong.
So here’s what in your head is going wrong.
- Number one, she’s moved on to another guy, which was sort of happening even before you and I met.
- Number two, you’re worried that he’s going to pop the question, but she’s even admitted that he can’t keep up with her bills and lifestyle. N
- umber three is you feel kind of just defeated.
And so I’m not going to sit here and tell you what to do, but here’s what I will say. For the past few weeks I’ve been doing this really interesting thing on my other website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
So you found me through Ex Girlfriend Recovery.
Basically the whole website is teaching men how to handle breakups, what to do if they want their ex back, or even what to do if they want to get over their exes. But believe it or not, Ex Girlfriend Recovery started after Ex Boyfriend Recovery did.
Ex Boyfriend Recovery was for women basically in the exact same scenario.
Now the real big difference between these two websites isn’t the fact that, hey, one’s for men, one’s for women.
It’s the fact that there’s a lot more women that search breakup questions than men. So when I look at the vast majority of the success stories, people who have gone through my program, gotten their exes back successfully, I have mostly women to draw from. And this is a little difficult because there’s a lot of men wanting hope. And I think that’s kind of what you’re looking for.
The breakups, you’re going to go through many different phases of one minute you’re going to be angry, the next minute you’re going to want them back, then you’ll be angry again. It’s almost like you go through the five stages of grief and then you have a relapse again. I’ve seen that happen multiple times.
But I think when we look at your situation, I actually don’t see it as that bad. So if you remember, when we first started working together, you were paying for all of her bills. She was living at your house, she was dating some new guy, and you basically drew the line. You said, “No more. I’m not going to do that.” And she freaked out on you, like we predicted she would. And like we predicted, she and the new guy right now are in the midst of the honeymoon period. And that honeymoon period is going to end eventually. And that’s when the shine’s going to wear off when she’s got the expensive lifestyle with the bills and everything like that.
And so as odd as it sounds, and the reason I bring up the success stories on the Ex Boyfriend Recovery is because I’ve been doing this really cool study for pretty much for every single week for the past two months, I’ve been drip feeding one large success story interview I’ve been having with women who’ve gotten their exes back on my YouTube channel.
And ultimately I came into these success story interviews with zero ego.
Meaning I didn’t really care what people did to get their exes back.
All I care about is results. What is working?
So, What Worked For Success Stories?
And what’s really interesting is the normal things you would expect to work obviously worked, but there were a few things that shocked me.
Number one was often times it was the women who literally got to this point where they just didn’t care about getting their exes back anymore, where they were willing to walk away, that all of a sudden their ex pays attention to them.
And we can go into the psychology behind maybe why this works, but I guess here’s my point. When I look at your situation, and I’m not there like a fly on the wall to see how your interactions are going, or anything like that, but maybe there’s a certain amount of desperation that she senses from you.
So you and her still talk, even though she’s with the new guy.
And I guess my problem with that isn’t necessarily that it’s a problem. It’s that maybe when you’re talking to her, she can sense the desperation of how badly you want her back.
I guess my point is, if you have a conversation with her where you are just literally like savage, you just don’t care if you get her back.
I’m wondering if she has a different opinion.
I also would make the argument that right now all seems lost, but it’s not necessarily lost. And the reason I say that, it’s because she’s in the midst of the honeymoon period. She’s still with the new guy. Things are still great with them. The honeymoon period can sometimes last as much as six months.
And it takes forever, six months is a long time, before the shine wears off. In fact, I actually think with this particular person, if the guy does propose to her, it’s not going to be, it’s not going to be solidified. I kind of see it more as he’s going to do what he can to just sort of keep her happy, but I don’t think they’ll actually walk down the aisle, because we already know that your ex-girlfriend loves the lavish lifestyle and he can not provide it for her.
So I guess my point is, there’s a point where you can sit and kind of wallow in the pain, and I think you’re allowed to do that. But if I was you, I wouldn’t look at it as this negative thing, like I’ll never get her back. That’s weird for me to say that, because usually I’m all for like, “Hey, it’s okay. If you want to move on, let’s move on.” But I honestly believe that sort of just standing up for yourself, showing you have a spine, basically not caring for her anymore, is the key to getting her.
And I think you kind of saw that happen a little bit, because you would talk sometimes to her friends. Immediately after you essentially kicked her out of the house, because she was basically mooching off of you, she goes berserk because it’s a clear indicator that you’re like, “I don’t care anymore. I’m not going to put up with your stuff anymore.”
And I guess my point is, I’m wondering if you’ve regressed a little bit, because you went through kind of this no-contact period, and then you got back in touch with her, but you didn’t get back in touch with her the correct type of way.
You got back in touch with her, you saw her in person, and she can see how much you still want her back. Even if you’re hiding it, I think she can see, because I don’t think it’s something that you can fake.
And sometimes the smartest, and I was talking to a professional psychologist the other day, I was interviewing them for my podcast. And they said something really fascinating to me. It was this woman, her name’s Antia Boyd.
She’s really good. She only really specializes in helping women get men, but it was kind of really fascinating because she talked a lot about how she broke up with her husband before they got married, and why she did it, and how he got her back.
And the real thing I took from it was she’s really big into the attachment styles and how we grow up with these different attachment styles, you have insecure attachment, you have anxious attachment, avoidant attachment. Sometimes you can have combinations, anxious/avoidant, but the Holy Grail, when it comes to attachment styles is secure attachments.
And so I can’t remember what she said she was, I think she was like an anxious/avoidant.
So things were going really, really well with her and her soon to be husband. And then she breaks up with him because it’s like, “This is going too well. I can’t deal with this.” And so she just avoided the problem.
She broke up with him. And he did something kind of brilliant. He was like, “Okay.” And just went on with his life. And that made her sit back and think, “What’s going on? Why isn’t he acting like he cared at all?” And it kind of intrigued her. It took her like a few months, but she came back to him and things just kind of started up real naturally again with them.
And then when they were kind of together, she asked him, she said, “Hey, when I broke up with you, what were you thinking?” And he was a secure attachment style, by the way, his response was essentially, “Well, I just thought you needed time, so I was going to give you the time, and I just sort of didn’t care.”
And I guess my point is, that’s how you need to act. Any time someone goes through a breakup, they don’t really act secure.
They act insecure, they act anxious, they act crazy. And as much as you may feel in your interactions that you knocked it out of the park, and I don’t know every single interaction that you had with her in the past few weeks, but any type of interaction you’ve had with her, I think honestly, she’s sensing maybe the inherent want that you have to get back with her.
So as odd as it sounds, having you say at the end, “Yeah, I think I just walk away and understand I lost it.” I think that’s actually kind of the correct attitude to have, but I would make one small alteration.
I wouldn’t sit there and say, “I lost it.” I would stare and say, “Okay, I’ll walk away give her time, whatever. I don’t care. I can find someone better.” That’s the attitude I think you need to have to make her sort of come back, because she’ll just be drawn to you naturally.
I know it’s kind of cliche advice, but the psychology behind it is essentially you’re going to be acting like a secure individual. It’s almost like, “Hey, if you need to find this thing out with this other guy, go for it.” And be cool with it because no guy is like that.
So that is my initial response to kind of feeling like you’re losing hope. And like this is a lost cause, because I think in many times when you feel like it’s a lost cause, I think you need kind of the paradigm shift. And the paradigm shift is it’s not necessarily a lost cause, I think if you feel like it’s a lost cause then you’re not doing the Ex Girlfriend Recovery program aspects right, because the goal is to get you to a place emotionally where you’re like, “I don’t care if it’s a lost cause. I’m so secure and confident with myself that I just know she’ll be drawn back to me. And if she isn’t, whatever.”
What we’re finding in success stories just from interviewing them is almost all of them have this attitude. I will say there’s a few outliers who I think sometimes say they have the attitude, but don’t really have it or they just got lucky. But the ones who have the most difficult situations where their ex has moved on to someone new like your ex has moved on to someone new, I think this attitude is what you need to have. And it’s a hard thing because it’s not something you can fake. You need to be so secure with yourself that essentially just by being, just by being you, being who you are, she’ll be drawn to you.