Getting ghosted or “seen zoned” by your ex-girlfriend is not fun and can often be confusing, especially if you were already having a conversation (that you thought was going well).
Today I’m going to take the guesswork out of trying to decipher why she stopped texting and how to engage her in a conversation again.
Now there can be a LOT of reasons behind why your ex might stop texting you out of the blue and I’m sure you can guess some too.
So, what I’d like to do is have a discussion as to why your ex girlfriend won’t text you anymore and talk a little bit about what you can do about it.
The Real Reasons Your Ex Girlfriend Won’t Text You Anymore
But I actually have real-life answers from women who stopped texting their exes or would stop if any of these reasons happened.
I surveyed women in our private Facebook ex recovery support group to see what would truly push them to stop replying to their ex and here are the four most common answers:
- They meet someone who is more interesting than you
- Boring conversations
- You’re being too needy or creepy in messages
- They have preconceived negative perceptions of you
Let’s talk about each of these reasons in-depth.
Reason #1: They Met Someone Who Is More Interesting Than You
The first reason is pretty obvious – she found someone more intriguing and wanted to spend more of her time and attention on them instead of you.
You see, when someone breaks up with you, they’re essentially saying they can do better.
So, if you don’t step up to the plate, your ex-girlfriend will explore greener pastures and may even stop replying to you altogether when she meets someone who she likes talking to more than you.
Reason #2: Boring Conversations
Another obvious one – she will not want to continue a stale conversation if she feels like she already knows everything about you.
This is especially true for long term relationships because when you’ve been with someone for a while, you get used to the things they talk about and they stop exciting you.
If you’re trying to have the same boring conversations, there’s nothing there to grab or hold her interest.
Reason #3: You’re Being Too Needy Or Creepy In Text Messages
I’m hoping none of you fall into the creepy guy category so let’s just skip to the part where you come off as too needy.
I get it, you’re struggling with all the intense emotions of heartbreak and a deviation from life as you knew it and that makes you want to restore things back to normal as soon as possible.
Here’s the thing though, your sense of urgency and constant pushing can come off as clingy, needy, and overbearing and it will probably annoy your ex-girlfriend. In fact, if you get too annoying she might even get defensive and tell you off and ask you to stop talking to her.
Most of the time though if you’re being too needy or desperate, she will probably just ghost you and you won’t hear from her again.
Reason #4: They Have Preconceived Notions About You
You and your ex-girlfriend dated for quite a long time and one of the disappointing aspects of dating someone for a long time is that you basically know all of their flaws.
You know them so well that you form a certain perception about who they are and how they think etc.
But if you had an especially volatile relationship, those perceptions are probably negative.
Those negative perceptions are hard to fight and they might even overweigh all your ex’s fond memories of you.
So if your ex suddenly leaves a conversation, they might have gotten triggered and remembered one of those negative perceptions based on the conversation that you were having with them.
How Can You Fix The Situation
Now that you’ve seen WHY women might stop replying to their exes, what can you do to turn the tide in your favor?
Well if you’ve followed my work for a while I bet you know where this is going … organic conversations.
I think the main concept being all these reasons is people’s inability to have organic conversations.
So what is an organic conversation? An organic conversation is an engaging conversation that flows organically and satisfies both parties without becoming dull.
This will probably sound obvious but the key to having organic conversations is truly having something to say. Mind you, there’s a huge difference between saying something and having something to say.
Unfortunately, most men who are going through breakups don’t have anything interesting to say at all.
They either get too bogged down by trying to “Crack the perfect text message” to ensure a response or they start trailing off into random boring topics like the weather because they didn’t plan anything in advance.
Both over-planning and under-planning a conversation can make it go downhill real quick.
Over-planning a conversation happens when you try to have a meticulous plan for everything, but you forget that your ex is a human being and might not respond the way you want them to. The problem arises when you planned a perfect conversation in your head and you’re so married to the idea of that conversation that you can’t adjust yourself according to what your ex is telling you.
That’s when you can come across as too rigid, desperate, and unexciting.
Now on the other hand, if you decide to fully wing it, you’ll end up grasping at straws like “are you enjoying the weather” or “did you hear what happened to Stacy?”. How satisfying can a truly random conversation with no topic be?
One of my favorite quotes comes to mind here:
“Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people”
The goal should always be to discuss deep and engaging ideas instead of surface-level gossip that doesn’t make for good conversation.
Now, discussing ideas might sone like an easy thing but the key is to discuss NEW ideas. Why? Well, your ex already knows everything there is to know about you. She doesn’t want to hear about the same ideas you’ve had for years, she wants to see if you have anything more to offer.
You have to make yourself seem interesting and engaging and the best way to do that is to adopt a learning mindset. Adopting a learning mindset will open you up to constantly exploring different philosophies and perspectives about life.
Ever heard the famous Socrates quote that goes “The only thing I know is that I know nothing”?
That quote has profound meaning behind it because no matter how much you think you know, you can always learn more! I mean, we all have a vast library of information on our fingertips with our smartphones now so what’s stopping us from taking advantage of that?
In fact, nowadays our phones give us access not only to knowledge but also to people from all over the world. We can literally learn about any culture or way of life we want to from people who actually follow it.
I personally love talking to lots of different people and learning about how they live their lives. What code of honor do they follow? What guiding principles shape their lives? And perhaps most importantly, what can I learn from their life philosophies that can help me improve myself?
So if you’re one of those people who’re so stuck in their own mindset and philosophy that they’re not even open to hearing about someone else’s approach to life, you’re selling yourself short and severely limiting yourself. Its no wonder you have nothing interesting to talk about!
You need to give your ex-girlfriend something to respond to and want to talk to you about. You need to show her that you’re a better person who can hold intellectual conversations with her so she doesn’t need to have them with someone else.
You should always strive to stimulate a conversation that resonates so deeply that your ex-girlfriend just wants to learn more and more and more.
But here’s the catch – you can’t fake these conversations.
I mean, I’m sure you could try but eventually, that façade would end. The three crucial factors for genuinely and successfully having such conversations are:
Being truly open to different philosophies,
Being able and willing to discuss different philosophies with your ex-girlfriend (or anyone really)
Entering conversations where you have nothing to gain.
The last factor is the hardest for most of my clients to grasp. They forget the power of having engaging and fun conversations without a hidden motive of getting their exes back.
Why did you date your ex, to begin with? Probably because they truly excited you. You need to recreate that now but if you’re only having conversations to get your ex back, it will be transparent and ineffective.
So the real challenge in having conversations with anyone is to have a conversation where you’re not really trying to gain anything. You’re just simply trying to enjoy the conversation by talking about things that are interesting to you. Maybe you’re going to recommend things that you saw or learned recently or talk about specific concepts that just resonated with you because the chances are if you and your ex-girlfriend dated, you probably have some overlap between resonance.
That means that if something resonated with you, it’ll probably resonate with her as well.
Those are the things that you want to tap into and the ideas that you want to discuss.
Now here’s my question to you: What kind of ideas are you talking about with your ex?
Are you actually going into conversations just wanting to have a good time? Or you actually going into conversations trying to get a specific response?
Because if you’re doing that there’s no wonder she’s not engaging with you because I bet she can sense the innate fakeness behind it. You’re building a foundation of a relationship with her by trying to trick her into getting back with you. Is that really what you want?
You shouldn’t have to trick her into getting back with you. Instead, you should aim to become someone’s so intriguing that she has no choice but to become engaged in the conversation with you. She needs to feel like she learns something new not only about the world but also about herself every time she talks to you so she keeps coming back for more.
Here’s a life tip – don’t think these engaging conversations are only for your ex or significant other. You should be talking to everyone in your life this way so they’re naturally drawn to you. Present yourself as an intellectual alpha male and see how everyone (including your ex) wants to talk to you as much as possible.
Your ex might not be texting you because she’s bored of having the same old conversations, she’s found someone better to talk to, or she’s just having negative flashbacks from talking to you.
Whatever the case may be, the only way to get her to enjoy talking to you again is by having engaging organic conversations about new ideas that resonate with both of you.