There are two deaths in my lifetime that have hit me ridiculously hard. My grandmother, who I was extremely close with, and Robin Williams, who was a huge part of my childhood.
My world just felt different knowing that they didn’t exist in it anymore. It was strange to me that other people weren’t as shook by it as I was. It was the most prevalent thought in my mind for a long while.
This resulted in talking about their lives to pretty much anyone that would listen. Suddenly, I had thousands of things I need to talk to my grandmother about and I couldn’t. It was driving me crazy, or at least it felt that way.
A loss has a way of doing that to you, pulling the rug out from under you and making it feel like no one noticed or cares. I was in a funk for a really long time.
At this point in your relationship, or lack of a relationship, I’m sure you can sympathize at least a little.
When someone who matters to us dies it is normal to try and makes sense of the world without them, asking questions like “Why did this happen?” “Why them?”
What Does That Mean For You?
After a breakup, you’ll find yourself trying to make sense of things the same way. You ask yourself the same questions over and over again. Running around trying to win her back. Tempted to remind her how much she liked you, or even loved you, once.
I’ve been in your position, it’s tempting to bombard them with texts and calls from day one. It’s easy to think that this will keep them from forgetting you, a fear that is understandable for anyone who wants their ex back.
She will eventually reach her limit, and I don’t mean a data limit.
“but she said we would stay friends when we split. Back when we were together she said she didn’t want me to ever be afraid to hold back. If there is something I want to say I should always feel free to say it.”
I’m going to tell you something that I learned the hard way. When a situation proves to be uncomfortable, like breaking up with some one or being broken up with, it’s human nature to try and keep the peace. Meaning, most people are naturally hardwired to do everything they can to avoid confrontation.
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Most of the time, when someone says “we’ll stay friends,” they are usually just trying to keep you from making a scene, or themselves from making a scene. Both of which would be very uncomfortable for both of you… and for anyone around to witness it.
This may be news to you, but… you aren’t together anymore. and no matter what she says or you want to believe, that means your dynamic has changed.
Before, you could text her all day long every day. The thing is, she liked you then. And, just like the way every joke is funny even when it’s not when you like someone, your texts brought a smile to her face even at three in the morning.
But if you broke up with her, your text will be annoying because it will seem like you don’t know what you want. If she broke up with you and you keep texting her, you’ll seem needy and like you just can’t take a not-so-subtle hint.
If you broke up a while ago and she’s been responding to you normally up until this point, I’d be willing to bet that she assumed you would get the picture and you’d eventually stop on your own.
If it seems like she just suddenly decided this then this is probably the case.
How to Handle This
Let’s face it, if she’s told you to stop texting her and you keep on, you’re just going to reinforce any negative feelings she has towards you.
Not only will they be MORE annoying and possibly angering, but she’ll feel like you don’t respect her wishes.
Assuming you want her back, the last thing you want to do is make her think you don’t respect her. Who would you rather be with?
Someone who makes you feel good about yourself by respecting you or someone who doesn’t care about what you want. I can go ahead and tell you which one she’d choose.
Yes, there are women out there who play games and will allow you to keep texting them because it boosts their ego. But even those will get tired of it when responding starts to feel like a chore. And in that case, it’s unlikely that type of relationship will turn into a reunion.
I know what you are wondering. What can I actually DO about this?
And I’m going to give you an answer I know you won’t like… 50 shades of nothing.
I know, disheartening sounding, isn’t it?
As of right now, you are in Violation of EVERYTHING we here at ExRecovery know to be true about getting an ex back. So, I’m ordering you to stop EVERYTHING you are doing.
Stop writing really flipping long emails with more feels than Homeward Bound and Old Yeller mixed together.
Yeah, I get it. Being single is only fun if you don’t want someone. And doing nothing sounds ineffective.
But, our version of nothing is more like doing something than you’d think. It only looks like doing nothing from the outside looking in. It’s more like a strategy of doing things that have nothing to do with your ex.
No Contact After Gnatting
First of all, let’s talk about what got you here in the first place.
“Yeah, we’ll stay in touch.” of “I’ll always be here for you if you need me.”
- Jumping every time your phone makes a noise.
- Driving past her house or work.
- Suddenly staring down everyone driving a car that looks anything like hers.
- Spending waaaay too much time on her Facebook and Instagram.
- Take some time and clean up your own social media. Get rid of stuff that makes you look anything less than a good guy. If you have friends posting nasty comments about her, remove the comments. You are an adult and above that. Anything regarding the breakup or the fact that you are now single is childish. It’s obvious you are trying to get a rise out of her. Remove those too. Don’t try to erase your relationship, just any signs that you are still hung up on it. (yes, that means those cheesy song lyrics you posted. get rid of them.)
- Get clothes that fit. Nothing says I don’t have my stuff together by walking around with your pants around your thighs. This isn’t just going to help win her attention, but other people will start treating you with more respect. Taking care of your appearance is one of the easiest things to do to change the way people see you. It also has a way of boosting your confidence 100%. Why do you think the girls go straight from a breakup to the salon or shopping?
- What have you been talking about doing forever that you haven’t done? Going back to the gym? Finishing a degree? Quit your job and find something better? Move out of your mom’s basement? Women want to be with men who aren’t afraid to go after what they want. I realize those goggles right now are making you think that she is the only thing you want, but take those off and throw them away. Go after the life you want. Even just taking steps to do it makes an impact if the goal is going to take longer than 45 days.
- Clean up your living space. If she were to walk into your space, would it look just like it did when you broke up? Or worse, does it look like you’ve been binging and sulking the entire time? Your space reflects your mind and reversely being surrounded by a mess can make you feel… like a mess. So, clean up.
You’ve got plenty to do! stop stalking her and hitting her up.
There are better things to do. If you caught on the idea is to not only make yourself look like you’ve matured and made progress. It’s to actually help you get to space where you are ACTUALLY making progress. So, that once you get through No Contact, reconnecting with her should be a chance to showcase that.
You don’t want to be that guy that says “I’m doing great,” when you’ve been out at the bar every night with your boys trying to stave off the heartache with booze and women. No! You want to be able to give off the impression that the breakup could have been the exact kick in the pants that you needed to get your life together.
Rest assured, she’ll know what’s going on in your life before you ever finish No Contact and send that first text. So, if you are sulking and whining to anyone that’ll listen… she’ll know. However, if someone walks up to you and says,
“Hey I heard you and insert ex’s name split up. Man, I’m sorry. How are you doing?”
What response do you think is better?
“Yeah. I miss her. She was my entire world and then it was just over. Did you see she was out with her girls making the rounds at the club last weekend? I should just find someone better and make her jealous….”
“Man, I’m doing better than I expected. I’m starting to think that splitting up might’ve been the best thing for me. How are things with you?”
A lot of people feel like telling someone how they are feeling is like free therapy.
But what they don’t take into account is that people talk. I have a friend who did this and told his bud every bit of how hard his breakup had been on him.
His friend went home that evening and repeated the entire thing to his girlfriend along with some clever insights he had on the situation.
Just a few days later his girlfriend ran into my friend’s ex and huge shocker, she was less than pleased that he was talking about their problems with everyone.
On top of that, she saw that he was still the same guy she had split up with.
Whereas had he kept his response short and made it seem like he was making the best out of the situation, the guy’s girlfriend probably would have asked his ex how she was doing and mentioned that he was handling things better than she expected.
What do you think his ex would have done then?
If you said she’d be scouring his Facebook and Instagram to see what his secret was.
That’s the thing. Indirect information exchange has more effect than direct.
Alright Let’s Wrap This Up
Have you ever heard a kid say, “I am grown up!”
How convinced were you?
However, if a kid just started acting more responsible and didn’t fight for attention all the time, you’d be inclined to think, “Man, he’s more mature than most adults I know.”
If you were to call her up and say, “Look how much progress, I’ve made!” She’d think you did it all to get her back. If she finds out on her own or from someone else, she’ll be more inclined to think you had other motivations.
Not to mention, getting your life together won’t just make her see you differently. It will make you see yourself differently too.
When you do reach out to her using the Texting Bible’s tactics, remember that you did it all on your own and you’ll come off as much more confident. Speaking as a woman, confidence is attractive on anyone.
I know these tactics seem simple. But as one of my bosses used to drill into us, “It’s better to work smarter than harder.”
Let me know in the comment section below what areas of your life you are going to work on. If you have difficulties sticking with No Contact we have an entire team here that will be happy to help you come up with ways to stick with it.
Go do great things!!