There is a process for solving problems. It is derived from the basic idea of the Scientific method, which has a ton of steps.
Although, the version I use is a much less complicated version. Basically it boils down to:
- Identify the Problem
- Understand the Problem
- Consider Your Options
- Decide Which is the Best Option
Easy Peezy Lemon Squeezy… Right?
Step 1: Identify the Problem
Let’s start with identifying the problem here. It isn’t difficult. I mean, there was a breakup. It doesn’t matter who broke up with who. I’m going to assume you want her back since you found your way here to ExGirlfriend Recovery. And now she’s completely shut you out.
You can’t fix a problem until you understand it. So, lets make this as simple as possible.
Problem: You want her back and she shut you out.
Yeah, step one is probably the easiest one.
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So… Let’s move on to…
Step 2: Understand the Problem
Here at ExrRecovery we write for hundreds of thousands of people. Each one has a unique situation that expands farther than the simplified situation that we came up with in step one. So, I’ve determined three levels of being shut out that we see every day. If you have a more unique problem, I’d be happy to help you with it.
Level 1: You broke up. She asked for some space and stopped responding.
Level 2: You broke up and she just stopped responding with no warning, but she hasn’t removed you from social media.
Level 3: You broke up. She unfriended and blocked you from all social media and won’t respond to anything.
Each of these situations has it’s own level of frustration that it causes. But I divided them into three levels according to the difficulty that they are to come back from.
Let’s talk a little more about each level and the possible reasons women do these things.
Level 1: If a woman asks for space, then she is either trying to let you down easy or she is unsure about what she wants. It means she’s not wanting to burn bridges. You know what it means when people want to preserve bridges? It means that they want the option of choosing to cross them again. That’s good news.
Level 2: If she simply just stopped responding at some point after the breakup, but she hasn’t completely deleted you off social media, then it could mean something similar. Or it could simply be that she wants to keep tabs on what your doing or give you the opportunity to keep tabs on her. Whether this is out of spite or being unsure which direction she wants to take things going forward, the upside is that she still wants to have access to you.
Level 3: This is the most difficult situation because it keeps you from having access. Although, in my opinion, it is easier to stick to No Contact if you know that you can’t stalk their Facebook. I mean, jealousy is at an all time high when you see other guys flirting with your girl. Most of the time women get super angry about something and delete you without thinking it through. Then they turn around and regret it immediately. However, the reason this is the most difficult level of being shut out is because it could also mean that she decided to cut ties and move on.
Step 3: Consider Your Options
Well, you can do one of two things you can go with your instinct or you can follow the advice of the professionals, either here at ExRecovery or elsewhere.
Instinct will tell you to chase and force him to keep you in her life.
After dealing with hundreds of thousands of women and men in your position, I will tell you that pushing and being overly assertive will only push her further away. Your instinct is emotion driven. It helps you determine what you want, but it isn’t always the best judge of how to go about getting it.
My suggestion is to listen to what the professionals have to say.
And I’m not just saying that because I am a professional. We here at ExRecovery do what we do because we actually care about how this turns out for you.
Otherwise, why would we put so much information out there for free?
So, basically I guess what I’m saying is, ExGirlfriend Recovery CAN work in this situation. It CAN even if it seems like nothing will.
You just modify it a little.
Let’s Talk About No Contact
No contact DEFINITELY has to be 45 days.
It’s the only way you can do what needs to be done during No Contact.
No Contact is like the Silent Treatment but with adults.
You remember the silent treatment right?
When your brother, sister, or friend posted up and shut you out.
Instinct is what makes you want to bug them into talking to you.
“Why aren’t you talking to me?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“I though we were friends…”
Pestering them into talking to you again…
I bet you are guessing where I’m going with this.
The best way to counter the Silent Treatment is to give it right back or ignore it all together.
Instead of the Silent Treatment, it’s more like a “Didn’t Even Notice the Treatment.”
Eventually, it will drive her bananas that it isn’t having an effect on you.
She will start to wonder why you haven’t reached out.
Regardless of the situation, everyone likes to feel wanted and expects to be chased after.
Even if she has removed you from her social media, she’ll find a way to check on your social media.
It is no secret that habits take time to form. If you rely on the various studies, then you will find that it takes between 21 and 66 days to form or break a habit.
That is why the longest No Contact we suggest is 45 days. it’s not long enough for your ex to get used to not having you around. But it is still long enough for you to establish better habits. That is… if you get on board right off the bat.
A huge part of this program is improving yourself and your life. The longer you wait to start improving your life, the less time you have to make those improvements into habits.
Step 4: Decide What to Do
Not many guys I know or have spoken to like doing this step.
Well, it means that you are going to have to consider the future. And that seems to scare most guys shitless. (pardon my language).
But if you want things to go your way… this is what you have to do.
First, you have to consider finding a purpose outside of just getting your ex back. Improving your life should be about more than that. It should be something that lasts even if you don’t get her back. It’s more beneficial for you in the long run.
Having a purpose does three things
- It improves your productivity and helps you focus.
- It establishes HEALTHY expectations of your future.
- It helps you manage stress.
We want to take you from a state of…
“Where do I go from here?”
“I feel like I should be doing something.”
First of all you need to make a list of all of the things holding your attention at this moment. Here are some examples of the different types of things I mean.
Get specific with them. If you have two jobs split them up. If you spend a lot of time watching Netflix or playing video games put those on there.
Next, you need a sheet of paper. Turn it sideways and draw three columns. Label them:
Yes No Change
You are going to write each item in a column after you ask yourself a few questions about it.
- Is this helping me reach my ultimate goals?
- Am I only doing this out of habit or having spent so much time on it in the past?
- Is this something I should be focusing on now?
Once you determine the areas you should focus more or less on, you can focus on this rather than your situation with your ex.
Decide where your focus is and this is how you occupy your mind.
When you find your mind drifting back towards obsessing over your ex, you can ask yourself,
“Is this going to help me reach my ultimate goal?”
If you care about your appearance, I suggest adding the gym and eating healthy to the yes column.
That last column, the change column will be where you put the items that could help you build the future you want but only after they get a few adjustments. If you know what adjustments you need to make, then you should jot down a basic idea of those changes next to or under them, just for reference later.
The way I see it, your appearance is how you make your first impression. When your ex gets curious and checks your social media or bumps into you, you want her to walk away seeing you as a new man. If you look and act like the same old you then her curiosity won’t get the best of her and she won’t be willing to re-establish contact.
If she does reach out before you do and asks why you haven’t tried reaching out to her, you should stick to one basic idea.
She didn’t seem like she was open to talking and you respect her and her wishes. You can even make a joke that the telephone works both ways.
Step 5: Time to Actually Do Something
Yeah, we made a list and put your priorities in sight. But what have we really done about them.
I mean I can’t do it for you. That would be too easy.
And this won’t be easy.
I know I know. You wanted an easy fix, but I will tell you right now. There are plenty of people that preach one simple thing that is “guaranteed” to get your ex back.
The truth is, there are no guarantees when it comes to people. They always have the advantage of being able to make their own decision despite everything that you do. It’s unpredictable. What I can do is tell you what has worked for other people… tons of people… here at ExRecovery.
What I CAN guarantee is that setting up your priorities like bowling pins and the making a plan to knock them down one by one will definitely make your future better whether your ex is in it or not. But odds are, if you do lay out a plan and conquer it, your ex will have second thoughts about removing you completely from her life.
We all like the idea of achieving something with our lives. And even though doing it on our own sounds like it would be more impressive. Surrounding ourselves with people who have accomplished things we haven’t makes us feel like we have accomplished something of our own. We all like things to come easy… I bet you are wishing I had that one tip to fix it all right about now.
Think of it from her perspective…
What sounds easier? Being single and trying to build a connection with someone new who has their life together? Newsflash, there aren’t many people who do. Or reconnecting with an ex who you’ve already put the work in with that has decided to put for the effort to get his shit together? (Again pardon my language)
Alright, Let’s Wrap It Up
I’ve thrown a lot of information at you. But I have also given you some homework, making the list and the plan and all.
So, I will leave you with this last little nugget of wisdom.
Remember that you need to show her respect. All women want it, even if they act like they don’t.
And you have to put in the effort. Most people will tell you to fake success to get her back. But eventually the truth will come out and you’ll be right back where you are. Not to mention success is good for you either way.
Let me know what you come up with for your list and your game plan. Until then…