Today we are going to hear from Jeff who is still quite bitter about his ex girlfriend playing him like a fool according to his view of how it all went down.
“She played me and broke my heart” he told me as we discussed all the twists and turns of his relationship.
I know it can be heartbreaking when someone you believed in let’s you down. But it can be downright earth shattering when your lover drops the the breakup bomb on you.
This is how he saw the relationship. It went from a happy place, where he and his girlfriend first met and struck it off immediately. As he described, they did everything together and after a few weeks into the relationship he thought he had something special.
Then it all came crashing down.
Without a doubt, feeling fooled or betrayed by someone you trust after putting your full faith and confidence in them is disabling on all levels.
There were no snappy words I could offer him to perk him up or tone down his extreme anger and resentment.
Nor were there any recovery quotes I could rattle off to calm his angry spirit.
It just doesn’t work that way does it?
Trying to make sense of why your girlfriend turned fickle and decided she had enough can be a lonely, even desperate chase for meaning.
Being played as a fool by your ex girlfriend perhaps only can make sense later when you learn to place more value on who to trust.
Time is your friend, I told him.
I explained to him that these indignant and hurt feelings he was struggling with would eventually dissipate and give way to a larger realization that perhaps this woman was never the right choice Better to know this now than many months or years down the road, I offered.
But it didn’t help Jeff a whole lot at that moment when he was telling me his story.
“I feel like a fool for loving her and can you believe that after she shredded my heart, now she is making noises about trying again. Just how messed up is that”, he complained.
I have learned that sometimes it is better to listen and be supportive and offer some uplifting perspective, rather than barge in with lots of actionable advice.
There is a need for people to wring out their emotions before they can start picking up the pieces.
This is what folks need as they process through the agony of a breakup. They can use some perspective.
Silver Linings Coming Out of the Split Up
I told him it was better that he learned about all this now than later. Certainly, I offered, it doesn’t do you any good to be dragged along through a relationship that is constantly on the edge.
I told him, even in this moment if you think she doesn’t care at all about you, chances are there is a lot more going on with her feelings than you understand.
Then I took him back to the breakup silver lining once again.
I explained, what if the relationship, tattered as it is now, went on for months with her halfway committed. That too can be agonizing and sometimes it is better to just take the full brunt of what is apparently the truth of what she feels for you.
Saying all this, I realized that feelings are hardly very simple and easy to keep track of, much less understand. It was entirely possible his ex girlfriend will come to see she made a terrible mistake. She may in actuality be far from giving up on the relationship entirely.
Most guys don’t see this in aftermath of a breakup. All they know is pain. But this was not the time to emphasize that possibility.
It was important that Jeff embraced his pain and get through the worst, rather than hold on to endless possibilities.
Don’t Become The Victim After The Break Up
Then something else happened in his struggle to understand his ex girlfriend’s motives.
A wave of what I call falling into the “victim mode” washed all over him. He said….
My ex girlfriend doesn’t give a crap about me and I am tired of being jerked around. First she wants me, then I am cast aside. Then my ex gets a mushy and isn’t sure if she actually didn’t make a mistake in the first place when she broke up with me.
How in the hell am I suppose to deal with all these crazy mood swings? How can I believe anything she says? Do words no longer matter? I told her we weren’t’ in Junior High School anymore and to mature up. Bottom line is my girlfriend took our relationship and smashed it into wall. There are just pieces of it lying all around.
This kind of reaction by a guy who is taking it on the chin from his ex is not that unusual. It can be incredibly frustrating when you feel like you are being jerked around by your girlfriend.
And it can really be a wild ride as you fight within yourself looking for meaning. You can go from crucifying your ex girlfriend and pinning every blame on her to minutes later licking your wounds and professing that even after she broke your heart, you still love her.
So Jeff continued…
Look Chris, she tore me in half. I am not sure if I want to give her another try. I am a broken guy and what is left of me is not pretty. I told her as much. I barked at her, telling her that I wanted nothing to do with her. Deep down inside, I know I probably still do, but I didn’t want her to know that. She is either playing games or has something on the side. Either way, I got screwed in the end. I have no clue how to move on. I mean how does anyone really get over their girlfriend just calling it quits like it meant nothing. How is that your girlfriend can seem so sweet, but then dispatch you with such coldness.
I told Jeff that almost every breakup that I have known seems to come out of the blue.
Then I explained that what you have to avoid is allowing yourself to become the victim. It will be easy to wallow in your pain and you will be tempted to strike back and say things your girlfriend. You may be possessed with a desire to take your ex down a few notches as you try to make her suffer.
But that road leads no where fast.
Things are the things you must understand if you want to move forward.
Let me warn you now while we are on the topic….be careful of how you mind will take you to the past.
You will start to replay the past. You may start to beat yourself up as you realized you missed all the break up warning signs.
I will tell you now. Just stop it.
Most guys (and women too) get caught up in the good feelings they had when they were with their ex.
So don’t chastise yourself for not noticing that something was off…that something was wrong between you and your girlfriend. It is not unusual for a larger part of yourself to push away such thoughts.
Know that what is happening has happened millions of times in the past to millions of people.
When your ex girlfriend dropped the Big Truth on you, I am sure it hurt like hell. It is natural to feel the whole thing has been a farce, that she never loved you. You will reason, “how could she have possibly loved me and then be able to break up with me in the way that she did”.
The temptation will be to run it through your mind over and over again.
It will be incredibly difficult for your emotional mind to make heads or tails of her actions. Naturally you will see her through the lens of betrayal, convinced that she is advancing her own self interests at the expense of your needs. Part of that could be true. This will invariably lead you to be convinced that she has been leading you along, playing you like a fool, only to drop you when it suited her.
This kind of reasoning comes from a raw and vulnerable place and it is pretty tough to convince yourself that anything else could be true.
Most guys whose girlfriend has initiated a breakup will feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them.
You will think back to just a few days earlier when you both shared a laugh and had a good time. Perhaps you had sex with her and you both expressed love for each other. Then she drops on you some breakup ‘line”.
Once again, do you see how this works? You will find yourself running it through your mind, trying to make sense of it.
Yep, there is not much room for feel good feelings when your world seems to have gone haywire.
Just stop it.
You are turning yourself into a victim.
You are better than that.
So how do you put it behind you?
Turning the Page After Getting Dumped By Your Ex
Let me just warn you right off that despite how things went down between you and your ex girlfriend and no matter how convinced you are that you were taken advantage of and she is cold and heartless, just know that those initial flood of feelings and insights are not always on the mark.
Sure, you may be possessed by the unmistakable conviction that you ex girlfriend doesn’t really give a damn about you. You may walk aimlessly around muttering “the cold heartless bitch just screwed me over.”
You may still be reeling with the shock of what she said or how she told you that is was “over”.
Just trust me on this…
These notions you have right now are not always correct. There is almost always a lot more complexity to what is happening between the two of you and it may take some time for you both to find your truth.
Nor do you want to remain in the victim stage after a breakup. Not only is not becoming of you, but it actually will work against you if you should ever wish to mount an effort to get her back.
It is imperative you avoid the wallowing period.
In a minute I will show you how.
What I mean by wallowing period is that I don’t want you going syrupy, scrambling for answers. For matters like this, answers are hard to come by. Don’t look to lose yourself in a how to heal a broken heart poem or story. It may sound like a good idea, but trust me….it will make you feel worse.
The same advice applies to any notions you have to seek out some super duper heal the broken heart quotes in order to get past your pain.
These kind of things may work for some. But for most guys, I have found they just throw you right back into the turmoil of memories, causing you to relive the breakup in all sorts of ways.
Your job is to get through it and past it.
This you will do as millions of guys have done before you.
And don’t dwell on how long it takes to get over a broken heart.
There is no certain answer that question. It depends on a host of factors and variables. But the healing process is usually pretty well in place anywhere from a few weeks to up to 30 days.
Now, I am not saying you will have put it all behind you in 30 days.
That is simply crazy.
If you have been with someone for awhile and particularly if you have had sex, you will always retain something from the experience. There will be this bond in place.
And by the way, the good news is that it’s not all the bad stuff that hangs around.
You will remember many of the positive experiences you both had.
So How Do You Avoid The Self Pity Stage After a Breakup
As I emphasized, it’s natural to feel bad.
As you know, my first order of advice is to not to prolong this stage by wallowing in self pity.
Look, bad crap happens to all couples (even the best couples) and you and your ex girlfriend are no different.
The first thing you need to do is let go of your anger. Sure, you feel used. You probably came to this article because you felt that you got screwed, royally screwed by your girlfriend. You feel led on and maybe even manipulated.
Chances are you are pretty pissed at what has happened and how it all went down. Right now, you probably cannot even imagine how you will ever forgive her what she has done. Maybe she did play you for her own devious reasons.
Maybe she was just trying to figure out what to do and what felt right for her at the time. Whatever was the thing that motivated your ex girlfriend to end it, you shouldn’t dwell on it. It is usually a slippery thing to figure out. Almost futile.
You probably still filled with way too much anger and hate.
You may be furious and confused and frustrated. But it is usually anger that will take a grip on you. Self pity comes later.
One way to head off the self pity and temper the anger is to just let it all come out. Let it loose. I want you to just go some place where you are alone and scream it all out. Cry it all out. If you have a punching bag, punch it all out. Whatever suits you.
Of course you won’t be able to get it all out. But making a big push to purge a lot of those feelings trapped inside you or bubbling up to the surface will do you good.
Tell yourself that you are going to give yourself one day to purge most of the negative, destructive emotions that have a grip on you. Then turn them loose. Whether you go running 10 miles or biking until the sun goes down, unleash the inner demons. Let them out and don’t invite them back in.
OK, so that is Phase I of putting the breakup self pity behind you.
After this big push to purge, you will need to have a routine in place where you are doing something physical.
Every day you need to be committed to unloading whatever pent up anger or other negative emotions that are rattling around inside you. Prepare yourself for relapses. Your mind will trick you into thinking about what was and what could have been with your ex girlfriend.
Waves of such feelings will flood your mind. This is the way our mind works.
It never turns you completely loose.
You have to tame the inner demons that want to remind you of your ex.
So keep a regular schedule of some kind of physical activity as it will help it keeping such thoughts at bay.
Moving Forward After You Have Been Screwed by Your Ex
When you are through with this purging stage, you will then do a complete 180 and seek out some inner peace by focusing on a different future.
It is time to start thing more positively and constructively and doing something to raise yourself up. To appeal to this part of you, you will need to first set aside all of that anger we just got through talking about.
The first place you should start is to make sure you have dumped all these notions that your ex girlfriend is trying to screw you and play you like a fool.
I purposely used that heading up above to get you attention.
If you are still clinging to that notion that your ex girlfriend is an evil person and out to bring ruin to you life, then you are not ready.
Look, I know you are probably still really mad at her. But neither of your are perfect. Your ex may very well be stewing about you and how you did her wrong.
Guys and gals rarely set out to bring ruin and humiliate each other.
Love bonds us.
When it’s torn away, such as you think it was by your ex girlfriend, the flip side of love is revealed.
And it ain’t a pretty sight.
As they say, sh#t happens and when it does, you are not going to like the outcome.
But the longer you hold on to your fury, the worse it is going to make you feel, never mind screw up your chances to potentially recover that which you lost.
So it’s time to start thinking of the future.
But to embrace a better path, you need to focus on being the best YOU.
I have written extensively how you can do that, so I will leave it to you to explore this website for ways in which you can recover from all this mess.
Meanwhile, if we can be of any help, just weigh in.
Take a moment and jot down your comment below. We will gladly get back to you and offer you some free advice.