There is this common misconception going around that if you want to get an ex back after a bad breakup all you have to do is say some catchy phrase or do something romantic.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Look, I understand the need to be witty and clever if you get into a flirting match with your ex but the truth is that it can only take you so far.
The real results come when your ex has an internal conversation.
Now, if you have no idea what I am talking about don’t be alarmed. I am going to explain this concept to you.
The Real Results Can Come If You Understand This Concept
When I first started this website five years ago I had a lot of misconceptions about breakups.
Like you, I thought that if you were witty and clever enough you could convince anyone to do anything but over the years after dealing with hundreds of thousands of breakups I began to notice something.
Actually, let’s back up.
It wasn’t really until I started doing coaching calls and getting on the phone with clients a few years ago that I really began to grasp that being witty and clever doesn’t really matter as much as you think.
When someone makes a decision to “take you back” it’s usually not from that clever comment you said a few days ago.
No, what really happens is that they have this internal dialogue in their head where they are literally asking themselves this question,
Well, if I get back with them will (x, y or z) happen again?
So, understanding this concept is powerful in the fact that it gives you an idea in how you need to approach getting your ex back.
The Internal Conversation
I’d like to take a moment to talk a bit about the internal conversation your ex is going to have.
A lot of people think that when an ex has this dialogue in relation to you it’s about what they want but that isn’t actually the truth. It’s more about what they don’t want.
Now, you’re probably sitting there thinking,
It’s important to remember that your ex already dated you so they kind of know what you have to offer. So, when they think directly of getting back with you they aren’t thinking of what you can offer them, they know.
They are thinking of what annoyed them about you in the past.
I’ll give you a more direct example.
Let’s say that Jimmy,
Is trying to get Tammy back after she broke up with him,
Well, before Tammy takes Jimmy back she is probably going to think,
Hmm… I always hated how conceited he was. Flexing his muscles and trying to impress everyone. I don’t want that again.
Digging a bit deeper into this it appears that Tammy’s main concern with Jimmy was how he came off as conceited.
Therefore, doesn’t it make a lot of sense for Jimmy to approach things going forward by tackling this concern Tammy has.
The true battle for Jimmy lies in convincing her he isn’t conceited anymore.
Do you see how important of a concept this is to grasp?
Tying The Internal Conversation In With Your Bad Breakup
So, at this point you may be sitting there and wondering,
What does this have to do with reconciling after a bad breakup?
The idea of tying this in with a bad breakup is actually pretty simple. Generally speaking the angrier and more hurt your ex is the more likely she is to let you in on the internal conversation she is having with herself.
Anger has a way of making us spout out everything that makes us feel we are wronged.
Ultimately bad breakups make it easier for you to figure out which things you are going to have to overcome in order to win your ex back.
So, here is my recommendation to you.
Take out a pen and paper and start listing anything that you think your ex is going to use in her internal conversation that will make her think,
Ya, I’m never getting back with him because of X, Y and Z.
The Overall Strategy You Need To Be Using
This is where I tend to lose people so make sure you pay attention to this because I am about to give you the strategy for getting back together after a bad breakup.
Take a look at the diagram below,
You’ll notice that there are three major steps to this strategy, the first one we have pretty much already covered.
- Determine the headwind you are facing
- Narrowing that list down
- Reshape your exes perception
What I’d like to do now is take a minute to go through each one of these steps so you feel you have an expert grasp on every single one of them.
Determine The Headwind You Are Facing
Like I said earlier, I pretty much covered this above but I will give a quick refresher here in case you got a sudden case of short term memory loss.
Take out a pen and paper and start listing the real thoughts your ex may be having about you and what might be preventing her from taking you back.
I’ll give you an example.
Let’s pretend that your ex broke up with you because you couldn’t ever stop flirting with other women. It’s not like you did anything with them but you just enjoyed the attention. Well, chances are pretty high that your exes fear of having something happen is ruling her decision to not take you back.
Generally speaking you are going to probably come up with a lot of “breakup reasons” but there is an important distinction that you are going to have to make.
Headwind isn’t the same thing as a breakup reason.
So, what is the difference?
Well, lets use the example I gave above to tackle this.
Your ex broke up with you because you couldn’t stop flirting with other girls (the breakup reason.) As a result, she worries that in the future you will cheat on her (the headwind.)
Basically the breakup reason will inform the headwind but it doesn’t always align. This is something that you are going to have to wrap your head around as you list out the headwinds that you are facing.
Narrowing That List Down
I have been doing this a very long time.
So, I know that one of the major things that we are going to have to deal with here are people who list out too many reasons or worse, not listing any headwind at all but just breakup reasons.
That’s why I recommend that before you move on to the meat of this strategy you take some time to narrow that list down to ensure your efforts are actually going towards something that will make a difference.
Again, I’ll give you an example.
Let’s pretend after careful thought you come up with what you think are three different “headwinds.”
- You weren’t enough for your ex
- You got into too many fights with her
- She just fell out of love with you
What if I were to tell you that only one of these things are what I consider to be headwind?
The rest are simply imposters.
You weren’t enough for your ex
What does this even mean?
It’s too general and doesn’t give us anything that we can really sink our teeth into for the next part of our strategy. Besides, this doesn’t really sound constructive. It just sounds like you are having a pity party and putting yourself down.
You got into too many fights with her
This isn’t technically the conversation your ex is going to have in her head when you are considering “headwind” but it’s close. In fact, this is probably the cause of the headwind,
I’m worried that if I take him back we will get into fights like last time.
I think we found a winner here.
She just fell out of love with you
I’m not a huge fan of this one because in order for someone to “fall out of love” something has to happen, right?
In this particular case, because you got into too many fights she began to fall out of love with you.
So, this isn’t a headwind.
Reshaping Your Exes Perception Of You
Ah, now we are getting to the meat of this strategy.
This is going to be the foundation upon which everything you do is built, remember that.
To properly explain this I am going to steal from above and assume the big headwind that you have picked out is the fact that you are getting into too many fights with your ex.
So, once we have our headwind can use that headwind to figure out how to reshape your exes perception of you.
Perception is an important aspect towards getting your ex back. In other words, perception needs to turn in your favor.
However, before I dive into that I’d like to tell you a story.
Are you aware of how novels get published?
If not, it’s a fascinating process.
Generally speaking there are two routes that you can embark upon if you want to publish a novel.
- You can go the self publishing route which usually never works out
- Or you can go to a publishing agency and get them to publish your work
I’ve put in bold the route I’m going to be talking about today.
So, basically there are a lot of steps to getting a publishing agency to publish your book. The first thing you have to do is get an agent which is in and of itself a daunting prospect. Getting an agent requires you to have already written your book and sending a small primer for the book to the agent.
If the agent likes the little primer you wrote up then he/she will request you to send a chapter and if he/she likes that they will ask for the whole book and assuming you get the sign off there you have yourself an agent.
Your agent will then go around to the big publishing agencies and try to sell your book. Assuming they do you will get assigned an editor who will then work hand in hand with you to help edit your book.
Phew… that was a longer explanation than I was hoping for but I promise you that this ties into your ex.
Do you want to know what the number one criticism that editors have for young authors is?
Show don’t tell
Editors know the secret to shaping perception and that’s to show something as opposed to telling it.
So, how does this tie into your ex?
Well, lets take our getting into too many fights headwind and say that we want to shape our exes perception to think that if she takes you back this time it’ll be different. There won’t be any fights.
Probably the worst way you could approach this is by telling her,
Hey, we won’t fight ever again
She isn’t going to believe you, right?
But if you show her.
If you show her with your actions that you’ve changed.
How you are more compassionate…
More caring and thoughtful…
It’ll go a long ways towards shaping her perspective of you.
So, What Are You Going To Do?
Here’s what I’d like for you to do.
I find this always works better as a collaboration where you include me and my team and we help guide you through this entire process.
You’ll notice that we have a pretty active comments section on this website.
So, I want you to think of the main headwind that you are facing and let us know how you plan on reshaping your exes perception of that headwind in the comments section below. My team and I can hop in and tell you if you are on the right track or not!