How To Get Your Ex Back After A Bad Breakup

There is this common misconception going around that if you want to get an ex back after a bad breakup all you have to do is say some catchy phrase or do something romantic.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Look, I understand the need to be witty and clever if you get into a flirting match with your ex but the truth is that it can only take you so far.

The real results come when your ex has an internal conversation.

Now, if you have no idea what I am talking about don’t be alarmed. I am going to explain this concept to you.

The Real Results Can Come If You Understand This Concept

When I first started this website five years ago I had a lot of misconceptions about breakups.

Like you, I thought that if you were witty and clever enough you could convince anyone to do anything but over the years after dealing with hundreds of thousands of breakups I began to notice something.

Actually, let’s back up.

It wasn’t really until I started doing coaching calls and getting on the phone with clients a few years ago that I really began to grasp that being witty and clever doesn’t really matter as much as you think.

When someone makes a decision to “take you back” it’s usually not from that clever comment you said a few days ago.

No, what really happens is that they have this internal dialogue in their head where they are literally asking themselves this question,

Well, if I get back with them will (x, y or z) happen again?

So, understanding this concept is powerful in the fact that it gives you an idea in how you need to approach getting your ex back.

The Internal Conversation

I’d like to take a moment to talk a bit about the internal conversation your ex is going to have.

A lot of people think that when an ex has this dialogue in relation to you it’s about what they want but that isn’t actually the truth. It’s more about what they don’t want.

Now, you’re probably sitting there thinking,

Wait, what?

It’s important to remember that your ex already dated you so they kind of know what you have to offer. So, when they think directly of getting back with you they aren’t thinking of what you can offer them, they know.

They are thinking of what annoyed them about you in the past.

I’ll give you a more direct example.

Let’s say that Jimmy,

Is trying to get Tammy back after she broke up with him,

Well, before Tammy takes Jimmy back she is probably going to think,

Hmm… I always hated how conceited he was. Flexing his muscles and trying to impress everyone. I don’t want that again.

Digging a bit deeper into this it appears that Tammy’s main concern with Jimmy was how he came off as conceited.

Therefore, doesn’t it make a lot of sense for Jimmy to approach things going forward by tackling this concern Tammy has.

The true battle for Jimmy lies in convincing her he isn’t conceited anymore.

Do you see how important of a concept this is to grasp?

Tying The Internal Conversation In With Your Bad Breakup

So, at this point you may be sitting there and wondering,

What does this have to do with reconciling after a bad breakup?

The idea of tying this in with a bad breakup is actually pretty simple. Generally speaking the angrier and more hurt your ex is the more likely she is to let you in on the internal conversation she is having with herself.

Anger has a way of making us spout out everything that makes us feel we are wronged.

This Is Why You Both Need Some Space!

Ultimately bad breakups make it easier for you to figure out which things you are going to have to overcome in order to win your ex back.

So, here is my recommendation to you.

Take out a pen and paper and start listing anything that you think your ex is going to use in her internal conversation that will make her think,

Ya, I’m never getting back with him because of X, Y and Z.

The Overall Strategy You Need To Be Using

This is where I tend to lose people so make sure you pay attention to this because I am about to give you the strategy for getting back together after a bad breakup.

Take a look at the diagram below,

You’ll notice that there are three major steps to this strategy, the first one we have pretty much already covered.

  1. Determine the headwind you are facing
  2. Narrowing that list down
  3. Reshape your exes perception

What I’d like to do now is take a minute to go through each one of these steps so you feel you have an expert grasp on every single one of them.

Determine The Headwind You Are Facing

Like I said earlier, I pretty much covered this above but I will give a quick refresher here in case you got a sudden case of short term memory loss.

Take out a pen and paper and start listing the real thoughts your ex may be having about you and what might be preventing her from taking you back.

I’ll give you an example.

Let’s pretend that your ex broke up with you because you couldn’t ever stop flirting with other women. It’s not like you did anything with them but you just enjoyed the attention. Well, chances are pretty high that your exes fear of having something happen is ruling her decision to not take you back.

Generally speaking you are going to probably come up with a lot of “breakup reasons” but there is an important distinction that you are going to have to make.

Headwind isn’t the same thing as a breakup reason.

So, what is the difference?

Well, lets use the example I gave above to tackle this.

Your ex broke up with you because you couldn’t stop flirting with other girls (the breakup reason.) As a result, she worries that in the future you will cheat on her (the headwind.)

Basically the breakup reason will inform the headwind but it doesn’t always align. This is something that you are going to have to wrap your head around as you list out the headwinds that you are facing.

Narrowing That List Down

I have been doing this a very long time.

So, I know that one of the major things that we are going to have to deal with here are people who list out too many reasons or worse, not listing any headwind at all but just breakup reasons.

That’s why I recommend that before you move on to the meat of this strategy you take some time to narrow that list down to ensure your efforts are actually going towards something that will make a difference.

Again, I’ll give you an example.

Let’s pretend after careful thought you come up with what you think are three different “headwinds.”

  1. You weren’t enough for your ex
  2. You got into too many fights with her
  3. She just fell out of love with you

What if I were to tell you that only one of these things are what I consider to be headwind?

The rest are simply imposters.

You weren’t enough for your ex

What does this even mean?

It’s too general and doesn’t give us anything that we can really sink our teeth into for the next part of our strategy. Besides, this doesn’t really sound constructive. It just sounds like you are having a pity party and putting yourself down.

You got into too many fights with her

Now this…

This isn’t technically the conversation your ex is going to have in her head when you are considering “headwind” but it’s close. In fact, this is probably the cause of the headwind,

I’m worried that if I take him back we will get into fights like last time.

I think we found a winner here.

She just fell out of love with you

I’m not a huge fan of this one because in order for someone to “fall out of love” something has to happen, right?

In this particular case, because you got into too many fights she began to fall out of love with you.

So, this isn’t a headwind.

Reshaping Your Exes Perception Of You

Ah, now we are getting to the meat of this strategy.

This is going to be the foundation upon which everything you do is built, remember that.

To properly explain this I am going to steal from above and assume the big headwind that you have picked out is the fact that you are getting into too many fights with your ex.

So, once we have our headwind can use that headwind to figure out how to reshape your exes perception of you.

Perception is an important aspect towards getting your ex back. In other words, perception needs to turn in your favor.

However, before I dive into that I’d like to tell you a story.

Are you aware of how novels get published?

If not, it’s a fascinating process.

Generally speaking there are two routes that you can embark upon if you want to publish a novel.

  1. You can go the self publishing route which usually never works out
  2. Or you can go to a publishing agency and get them to publish your work

I’ve put in bold the route I’m going to be talking about today.

So, basically there are a lot of steps to getting a publishing agency to publish your book. The first thing you have to do is get an agent which is in and of itself a daunting prospect. Getting an agent requires you to have already written your book and sending a small primer for the book to the agent.

If the agent likes the little primer you wrote up then he/she will request you to send a chapter and if he/she likes that they will ask for the whole book and assuming you get the sign off there you have yourself an agent.

Your agent will then go around to the big publishing agencies and try to sell your book. Assuming they do you will get assigned an editor who will then work hand in hand with you to help edit your book.

Phew… that was a longer explanation than I was hoping for but I promise you that this ties into your ex.

Do you want to know what the number one criticism that editors have for young authors is?

Show don’t tell

Editors know the secret to shaping perception and that’s to show something as opposed to telling it.

So, how does this tie into your ex?

Well, lets take our getting into too many fights headwind and say that we want to shape our exes perception to think that if she takes you back this time it’ll be different. There won’t be any fights.

Probably the worst way you could approach this is by telling her,

Hey, we won’t fight ever again

She isn’t going to believe you, right?

But if you show her.

If you show her with your actions that you’ve changed.

How you are more compassionate…

More caring and thoughtful…

It’ll go a long ways towards shaping her perspective of you.

So, What Are You Going To Do? 

Here’s what I’d like for you to do.

I find this always works better as a collaboration where you include me and my team and we help guide you through this entire process.

You’ll notice that we have a pretty active comments section on this website.

So, I want you to think of the main headwind that you are facing and let us know how you plan on reshaping your exes perception of that headwind in the comments section below. My team and I can hop in and tell you if you are on the right track or not!


Written by EGR team mate

Chris Seiter

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18 Comments on "How To Get Your Ex Back After A Bad Breakup"

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My girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me after our first fight, we had both had a few drinks and i ended up checking a message she had received on her phone, my intentions were innocent enough in my mind but she didn’t see it like that, long story short some hurtful things were said on both sides, she left, I let her be for a day then after trying to call her I texted my apology which I feel came across as sincerely as I meant it, later that day she texted me that she couldn’t get over… Read more »

Thanks for the reply, I’m very keen on your book, I’m not a wealthy man at the moment so will take me a couple of days to come up with the money to get the premium version, I think that one will be the best value for money….any tips on what I shouldn’t be doing until I can sink my teeth into your book?

Well, I had a BAD breakup with a guy I really love. I initiated fight after fight at the beginning of the year, which brought us to break up eventually. We were still in a good place after the break up, but I couldn’t handle how he would flirt with other girls on social media and be on his phone while I’m with him. And when I needed support, he wasn’t there. To me, my headwinds are: I cannot trust him, I am insecure, I am a coward for sorting out problems over the phone rather than in person and… Read more »

This eventually lead to us having a huge fight where we called each other names and he blocked me in every possible way so that I could not contact him

EGR Team Member: Amor
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi T,

check this one from our exboyfriend recovery site:
Stage 5 Clinger – Getting A Boyfriend Back If You Were Too Clingy

Hey my girlfriend and I were dating for 8 months but she recently left me last week. She sent me a long paragraph saying she never thought she could hurt a great guy like me. But then I found out she’s back with her ex who cheated on her and has 2 kids and a girl still but she doesn’t know. So yesterday I found her ex bf’s kids mothers Facebook and told her to contact my ex gf and she did. And explained their still together. Now she hates me. I just wanted her to know theb truth now… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Mike,

It’s not yet too late to start the no contact rule.. If you’re going to do it do at least 30 days.. Send a clean slate before doing it if you want to.. Explain on why you did what you did and apologize and then thank her for everything and tell her that you will respect her space now because you need it yourself but don’t tell her doing the nc rule.


Well i hurt her feelings,Then apologized in person as were still seeing each other. Then she asked for space and i went crazy messaging ,calling ,emailing,her for 3 weeks. She blocked me everywhere and told me its over. Its been 1 month since shes asked for space and i think i killed it completely? I gave up 1 week ago since i had no way to reach her, and obviously she hasnt made any attempt to contact me.

EGR Team Member: Amor

Hey Chris,
My girlfriend broke up with me because I was texting other girls. She warned me . I stopped for sometime and then I still continued . She got pissed off and broke up saying that she felt insecure and suffocated in the relationship.
I’m trying to change my behaviour and I want to show her that I’ve changed..
How do I exactlyy shoe to my girlfriend that I’ve changed because she wouldn’t contact me or answer me in any way possible
Please help 🙁

EGR Team Member: Amor
EGR Team Member: Amor

“I’m worried that if I take him back he is going to be jealous and controlling again.”

So if my ex thought that i was too insecure + needy and she told me that there were “the thing” missing and why she did leave me. Insecure and needy is my headwind? This is were i struggle. I have done much of soul searching and self learning and i know that i was in deed insecure and needy. I know that when she started to pull away i just become more needy and insecure. It ended up in a break up. It was because of me but also because of her as she didn`t know how to give… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Jordan,

can be, you have to let more time pass to see how she would act..

Hi Crew, Bought the book not sure where to get in contact with you guys but I think this is the correct spot? Anyways, I’m in kind of a tough spot since me and my ex are both really close to our group of friends. And since it’s the holiday season we both have a lot of friend’s events and birthday parties where we both plan to go to and there is no doubt there will be alcohol involved and we won’t be able to avoid each other. Broke up in late November. She says she left me for another… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Gino,

Just be civil with her..greet but don’t initiate contact