In the aftermath of almost every breakup, some not very nice things are said. It would be nice if we could all be pleasant, mature adults, but the reality is that when mean things are said, it is difficult to be the bigger person and respond nicely when emotions are high.
So maybe some not very nice or downright cruel things were said over the course of your breakup.
Or maybe some negative things happened in the relationship that have caused your ex girlfriend to see you in a negative way.
I tend to hold grudges. Most would tell you that I am a very sweet person. But when you cross me, prepare to have your world turned around and your life ruined.
I’ll never forget when I started dating my college boyfriend, he did that thing that a lot of guys do to appear “misunderstood.” He said,
“I’m going to hurt you someday, and you will hate me.”
Homeboy was right and I should have listened.
Not only was he a crap boyfriend, he also ended our relationship with the worst timing, and in the most selfish, hurtful way. Frankly, I still haven’t forgiven him.
So, first moral of the story: Is someone warns you they are a bitch or an asshole, believe them. People usually do this so that if you point it out alter they can say, ” I warned you!”
But we’re here to talk about forgiveness. Specifically, what you can do to get your ex girlfriend to forgive you for…whatever, and how to apply these skills to the Ex Girlfriend Recovery process.
Maybe it’s not super easy to get me to forgive, who is stubborn as hell, but luckily, I am not your ex girlfriend.
What I want you to keep in mind as you read this is, “The best apology is changed behavior.” This is a theme we will be exploring in some detail later on.
The Art of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend To Forgive You
Oh, there are so many possibilities!
- Maybe you cheated on your ex girlfriend while the two of you were in a relationship.
- Maybe you were a jerk and hurt her deeply over the course of the relationship.
- Maybe you lied.
- MAYBE, you did all three!
- Or… maybe you did something else that I haven’t thought of.
Did You Do Something To Piss off Your Ex Girlfriend?
Regardless, if you did wrong while in the relationship, there is a time to apologize. Believe it or not, that time is not when she is breaking up with you. Apologizing and promising to change will do nothing to win your case. Your girlfriend has already made up her mind, and no amount of begging or promising to change will change her mind. It’s important to note that women mull over the idea of a breakup more so than men before deciding to end it.
So, don’t apologize, beg for forgiveness, or promise to change in the midst of the breakup; it will come off a desperate.
Instead, the best thing you can do is to accept the breakup as tactfully and unemotionally as possible – I know, I know – it’s hard! But keeping a cool head will likely catch your ex girlfriend off guard, and it as at that point that you are already showing a change in behavior.
Was There Something You Did After The Breakup With Her?
The cause for her anger could stem from problems that began after the breakup.
- Maybe you weren’t nice after you split.
- Maybe you blew up her phone and gnatted her. (An ExRecovery term that means bugging her constantly.)
- Maybe you just “happened” to be everywhere she happened to be and came off a little stalkery… yikes!
- Maybe you went with the combo and did all of these things.
No Contact is especially important to keep in mind in these more serious situations. It always is, but especially if your actions towards her are aggressive (they may not seem like it to you, but put yourself in her shoes, please). If you are engaging in any of these toxic behaviors, the first thing to do is to take a step back and STOP. No Contact, absolutely immediately, 45 days.
Consider Using No Contact: Time, Space, and Change
No Contact is going to help you out two-fold here:
Time and Space – If you step back, No Contact acts as your re-set period.
If you hurt your ex girlfriend and keep in contact with her, you are giving her no room for her wounds to heal. They may start to, but then your presence will do something to rip of the scab that is protecting the wound, and hurt her all over again (possibly infecting the injury further).
Basically, your presence in her life is likely hurting her further and harming your case, rather than helping.
If you give her space by cutting her off, you are giving her the time to let the wounds fade to scars, and maybe even start missing you. Once she’s calmed down regarding the situation, she’ll also be in a better mindset about the breakup, and about you. Once she’s feeling like she’s reset in her attitude towards you, you’ll have a better chance at re-entering her life and implementing the Ex Girlfriend Recovery steps.
Change – I’m going to go back to my theme here: The best apology is changed behavior.
If there were problems in your relationship, address them
If you had problems that impacted your relationships ask for help to address them (talkspace is a great, private online therapy resource). These could be:
Keep in mind that, if you don’t do the work to address those issues, they will follow you into your next relationship, whether it is with your ex girlfriend or not. If you really want your ex girlfriend back, she deserves to come back into a new and improved relationship, where she is loved and cherished.
She may be taking this time to reflect and make some personal changes of her own.
Hopefully she is. In addition to re-setting after the breakup, you’ll want to work on becoming a better person… both for her and, more importantly, for you. This is so that you can use those changes as part of your re-attraction technique, and be an all around happier person going forward in your life.
If you are trying to get your ex girlfriend to forgive you, No Contact will be your best friend.
Remember: Time, space and change.
You can’t get her to forgive you immediately – it’s going to take time, and a lot of effort.
Like all good things, you have to be patient.
So, please take No contact seriously. Don’t’ just cross off the days on your calendar. Make improvements so that when you start communicating with your ex again, she’ll be impressed with how much you’ve changed and improved, which will make her miss you all the more.
How Do I Get Her to Give Me A Second Chance and Take Me Back?
Back to the theme of changed behavior. But keep in mind, you can only have so much control in this situation. If you do what you need to do by giving your ex girlfriend the time and space needed, as well as trying to set and achieve some of your own personal goals, that is the best you can do.
But keep in mind, you can’t speed up a person’s process.
She could be like me and it will take her a decade to forgive you. You just have to be patient and focus on improving yourself.
If you reach out to her after your No Contact period and it is clear that she is still resistant to speaking with you, give her more time. If you hurt her in some way, be it before or after the breakup, she may need more time, and she deserves not to be rushed as she works through her feelings. Respect her needs and take more time to yourself for more improvements. If you have an overall happy and healthy relationship, aside from whatever she’s mad at you about, then she may be worth the wait, but ultimately that is up to you to decide.
If she does respond positively to your first contact, you can move ahead in the Ex Girlfriend Recovery program as usual – building rapport and seeing each other, going on dates. The most important thing to do is to show the changes you’ve made.
If you show up to your first meetup and it’s clear you’re the same person, she is going to write you off.
That is why it is absolutely essential that you complete No Contact.
How Do I Ask My Ex Girlfriend For Forgiveness?
Alright, so we’ve discussed why you shouldn’t ask for forgiveness when the breakup is occurring. So, when exactly should you ask for forgiveness?
Well… there are two.
Either, when you’re back together
After you have built a ton of positive rapport and are feeling more emotionally intimate with one another. Emotionally… I said… EMOTIONALLY! That doesn’t mean physically.
Either is appropriate, depending on where you are at.
You’ve just got to pick your moment correctly. It will seem jarring if your apology comes out of nowhere.
So, if the two of you decide to get back together, I think it’s a great idea to discuss the relationship you had prior, what went wrong, and what the two of you will do to avoid those same mistakes in the future. You really want to think of this as a new relationship.
When that discussion is occurring would be an optimal time to say:
“You know, babe, when we were apart, I did a lot of thinking about our relationship, and the role that I played in the end of it. I am so, so sorry for (insert various sins here). I was an idiot. I’ve felt awful about it since. I really hope you can forgive me. Here is what I’ve worked on, and what I plan to continue to do to avoid that type of behavior in the future.”
She’ll fall over on the floor, she’ll be so pleased.
Us women absolutely love it when men are emotionally aware and reflective.
Then, there is the less serious option if the two of you are not back together yet, but you’re building a ton of positive rapport, hanging out and having fun frequently, and are getting emotionally closer:
“I just wanted to say, I’m really sorry about how things went down at the end of our relationship. I’ve done a lot of thinking about my part in things, and how to change them. I hope that someday you can forgive me for (insert various sins here).
It’s a little less intense and future oriented, but it’s still a solid apology, and acknowledges that you did wrong, and you’ve been doing some personal work to improve yourself so that you’ll be better.
Will My Ex Look Upon Me With Forgiveness?
If you’ve been around the ExRecovery circuit for a while, you know you aren’t getting out of here without a Buffy reference.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer uses forgiveness all the time. Heck, the spin-off show, Angel, is a show that is all about Angel atoning for his sins in the hope that one day, he will be forgiven.
Angel and Spike are two “champion” vampires who have souls. Angel has been making amends for his sins since receiving his soul when it was returned to him in the form of a gypsy curse.
Spike, on the other hand, does something pretty awful, and seeks out a soul – he wants to be redeemed and forgiven. After the things he has done, carrying a soul would be a heavy burden indeed. So he is given a set of tests, and if he passes, his soul will be returned to him. The tests nearly kill him.
“She shall look on him with forgiveness, and everybody will forgive and love. He will be loved” – Spike, “Seeing Red”
Spike goes into season 7 working to atone for his sins. This journey continues in season 5 of Angel, and in both the canon Buffy and Angel comics. He achieves forgiveness from Buffy tenfold.
The thing is, Spike does everything right – he is ashamed of his actions, and so he leaves town, not speaking to Buffy for a long period of time. He gives her the time and space to recover from his actions. Then, he works on taking the necessary steps to change himself. When he returns to Sunnydale, it take some work, but eventually he and Buffy are able to establish a level of trust again.
Forgiveness is something freely given. You can’t force your ex girlfriend to forgive you, but what you can do is respect her need to heal by giving her time and space away from you, and try to become a better man for yourself, and your next girlfriend, whether she is your ex girlfriend or not.
So, lets do something in the comments below. I want you to tell me about your breakup.
- Tell, me the details. How long you were together? Why you broke up?
- Then, tell me what you’ve done since you broke up. Did you handle it respectfully? Did you overreact?
- And I want to know what you plan on doing to improve going forward.
Once you do this, our experts will help you drill down what exactly you should do next to get your ex back. Sound good?