She broke up with you…
Let that sink in for a minute.
Your girlfriend, who supposedly loves you “more than anything” broke up with you. All those plans for the future that you had, all the romantic getaways that you were going to surprise her with aren’t possible anymore. Heck, I wouldn’t even be shocked if you’ve taken to laying in bed all day, letting a beard grow out and binging on Netflix shows.
Somewhere in your pain you took to the internet to search for the ways you can turn the tables on her and make her love you like she used to.
Well, I have an interesting paradigm shift.
Who cares about making her love you again?
“Huh? Isn’t this page about helping me get my ex girlfriend back?”
But I will tell you what I don’t want to have happen. I don’t want you to repeat the same mistakes that occurred in your old relationship with her. She did break up with you after all. In other words, your girlfriend didn’t love you enough to fight for you.
What I would rather have happen is that I want you to create a new relationship with her. I want this relationship to be so good that it would be impossible for another breakup to occur. I want the two of you to connect emotionally on a level that neither of you has ever experienced before.
However, before any of that can happen you have to get her back first.
Lets talk a little about that now.
What To Say And Do If Your Ex Girlfriend Broke Up With You
Out of all the situations we encounter here at Ex Girlfriend Recovery I’d have to say that this one is one of the most common.
And it makes sense since most of the men who find our website are on the receiving ends of their breakups.
Now, I know what you are thinking,
“Does this hurt my chances of getting her back at all?”
To be honest, in the last six and a half years that I have been doing this I haven’t personally noticed any difference between the chances of a man who has broken up with his ex versus a man who has been broken up with.
Common sense might point in the other direction favoring the man who broke up with his woman and truth be told I think I even claim (insert link) that ideally that is the situation I’d prefer if I was trying to get an ex back of my own.
However, numbers don’t lie and the numbers don’t favor one situation as opposed to the other.
You’ll notice that I entitled this section,
“What to say and do if your ex girlfriend broke up with you.”
Why do you think I did that?
Well, without a doubt the number one question I seem to get on a daily basis is,
“Chris, what am I supposed to do?”
Ok, maybe I don’t get that question word for word but I do get different variations of it and the ultimate thing that men are wanting are to figure out what the heck to do.
Well, what if I were to tell you that I put together eight simple steps that can help you get your ex back if she broke up with you,
- Gauge her maturity level by her age so you know how to proceed
- Understand the reason or reasons for why she broke up with you
- Determine if the relationship is worth fighting for
- If you determine this is worth it then craft a plan to get her back
- Hit the reset button with the no contact rule
- Become the man she has always dreamed of
- Work on influence as opposed to control
- Get a commitment with the interdependence theory
Let’s tackle these steps one by one.
1. Gauge Here Maturity Level By Her Age So You Know How To Proceed
Do you have any idea on what the average age is for a woman to get married now-a-days?
Well, according to the National Center for Marriage and Family Research it’s 27.
Any idea on why I am citing that statistic?
In my opinion, the age and maturity level of a woman can have a direct correlation to how hard she is willing to fight for a relationship. So, before we even start looking at the reasons on why she may have broken up with you I think it’s important to look at the stage of life your ex girlfriend is in.
I have divided this section up into four different categories.
- High School Mentality
- College Mentality
- Serious Mentality
- Super Serious Mentality
I am going to talk a lot about each one of these categories so you have a good idea of how this applies to your situation.
High School Mentality (15 – 18 years old)
I remember dating in high school ten years ago and thinking I knew everything there was to know about relationships.
For example, when I was a senior in high school I remember dating a girl and thinking we had the perfect relationship. We were literally a month into this thing and I was already thinking,
“Wow, maybe I might end up with this girl for the rest of my life.”
Bear in mind here that I was just a kid at 18 years old. Looking back now, I had no idea what a relationship required. Sure, I had been on dates and new a thing or two about women but I had absolutely no clue what it took to have a successful relationship.
(The two of us crashed and burned pretty badly FYI.)
What makes you think that women at this age are any different?
Look, between the ages of 15-18 most women aren’t looking to settle down. Sure, they may say they are but at this age they have absolutely no idea what they want out of life. They are too immature to sustain a long lasting relationship.
We all love to hear those stories of two high school sweethearts beating the odds and ending up together but have you ever taken a look at how challenging those odds are to beat?
Trust me, it’s not fun to look at.
However, the thing we are trying to focus on here is the actual mentality that girls have at this age in relationships.
In my opinion, most women are controlled by emotions at this age. Sure, most women are controlled by emotions pretty much all the time but the thing you start to see as they get older is that they start putting more logic into their decisions.
Between the ages of 15-18 there isn’t going to be much logic behind your girlfriends decisions.
Will she be willing to fight for the relationship?
Maybe, but only if you can tap into her emotions on a very deep level.
College Mentality (19 -22 years old)
In my opinion, this is the age where girls mature into women.
They make mistakes at this age…
They experience how cruel some men can be…
They start to learn what they want out of a relationship.
But most importantly, they learn from their experiences at this age.
This is really where women start developing a barometer for what they want out of a relationship. You see, in high school they were always under their parents roof and had to abide by the dating rules that they set. However, in college they get their first taste of freedom and with that freedom comes an endless possibility of men.
This means that they go on a lot of dates and have a lot of new experiences.
The thing I have always found most interesting about this age for women is that they experience a lot of things that they learn they don’t want out of a relationship. For example, a girl who is a freshman in college may have been extremely attracted to a “bad boy.” However, by the end of her college career she will probably be completely turned off by him.
So, lets assume that your ex girlfriend who you want back is 21 years old. Would she be willing to fight for your relationship again?
Well, I would have to say that any girl within this age is still going through a maturing process. Sure, she might be willing to give it another try with you. However, the thing you have to watch out for is what her long term goals are.
Speaking of long term goals…
Serious Mentality (23 – 27 years old)
Lets look at life from a 25 year old woman’s perspective for a moment.
Lets assume that this 25 year old woman has just graduated from college, she has just started a new job and she is maturing every single day.
The obvious next step is to find someone who she may potentially want to settle down with. Thus, it only makes sense that she is going to be looking for more serious relationships. On my other site, Ex Boyfriend Recovery, I had an interesting chat with a 25 year old woman who explained this phenomenon to me.
She basically explained to me that when her and her friends were in college they were in party mode. However, once they got out of college she began to notice an interesting change in the dynamic. Rather than talking about the latest party they were going to attend they started talking about how they wanted more serious relationships. Topics like,
- What age they wanted to get married by.
- What age they wanted kids.
- How many kids they wanted.
- I think you get the idea.
were brought up and to take things a step further these women actually took actions to ensure that they were dating men that could give them these things.
Super Serious Mentality (27 – 35 years old)
As I said above, the average age that women get married is currently 27 years old.
Believe it or not but pretty much every woman walking the face of the earth wants to have children. Of course, there are risks associated with having a child later in life and most women are aware of these risks. Thus, it is during this super serious mentality that they begin to realize that their time is very valuable and they can’t waste it on prospects (aka men) who are just going to string them along.
In other words, between these ages most women are looking for marriage.
Of course, they won’t come right out and say that. No, they know if they did that then they would scare away every man within a ten mile radius. Instead, they opt to get you hooked in the relationship before they let out their true plans, to get married.
Now, I think there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. In fact, I applaud women who are looking for such a serious commitment but you didn’t come here to hear me praise women who want serious relationships. No, you came here because you want to know what your ex girlfriend is thinking if she is within this age range.
Well, the first thing we have to understand here is that SHE was the one who broke up with you. Now, if we apply what we already know about the super serious mentality (that women are looking for serious relationships) it could potentially mean that when she sat down and really thought things out she didn’t consider your relationship as developing into something that could potentially mean marriage.
Heck, maybe YOU were the one who had commitment issues.
Whatever the case, when it comes to this mentality it always usually boils down to the seriousness of the relationship (or lack of seriousness.)
2. Understand the reason or reasons for why she broke up with you
(If you are looking to turn the tables on your ex girlfriend and get her to fall for you then you need to read Ex Girlfriend Recovery PRO.)
I get that you are stunned.
I get that you are hurt.
I even get that you feel betrayed.
Here are the facts though. What’s done is done and you can’t go back and change the past. So, rather than sitting around trying to change the past why not focus on how to improve the future? I have found that one of the best ways to affect the future when it comes to breakups is to actually understand what caused the relationship to end.
Those who are familiar with my work know that I love going into great details on things and this section is going to be no different.
However, before I really dive in to the heart of what made her want to break up with you I feel the need to warn you about something.
Assume That She Lied To You About The Cause
This is a horrible thing to say but your ex girlfriend is a liar.
Now, I know that is a bit presumptuous of me but I want you to think about something for a second.
When you were dating your ex the two of you were probably very close. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked if during the highest moments of your relationship you muttered things like,
“I have never felt like this with anyone before..”
“I want to spend every day with you..”
to one another. My point is simple, no matter how bad things were at the end deep down your ex girlfriend probably still cares for you a lot. This means that when she sees you hurt she doesn’t get a feeling of satisfaction. Instead, she probably feels hurt as well.
So, when you two had the breakup talk and you asked her that inevitable question,
“Tell me why you want to break up?”
it can probably makes a lot of sense that she won’t be 100% honest with you if she feels that her answer is going to scar you for the rest of your life. I mean, put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Imagine if you had to tell her something like,
“I never loved you…”
Imagine the look on her face if she received that type of news. Not too fun is it?
The point here is simple, assume that your ex girlfriend wasn’t completely honest with you about the cause of the breakup. Keep this in mind as you are looking through all of the reasons for breakups I give below. She may have given you a reason that you think is true but trust me when I say that it could be more than just that reason.
(Side Note: Some women will be honest about the breakup. For example, if you cheated on them and they broke up with you because of it then I think its a safe bet that they are being honest with you.)
Too Much Fighting
Every couple is going to have a fight here or there.
In fact, I would say that it’s completely normal. However, what’s not normal is getting into a fight every other day over unimportant stuff.
For example, one of my first girlfriends and I were like this. I remember we would have these horrible fights where we would both say things to each other that we didn’t really mean. Sometimes both of us would scream at the top of our lungs to each other and then after the fight was over we would both frantically apologize and promise it would never happen again. Of course, a few days later we would fight over some other stupid thing.
In fact, I remember one time I began noticing this very trend so I did a test.
I literally took out a pencil and paper and mapped out how often we would fight.
The Results = 3 times a week for 3 weeks straight.
A relationship is like a tree.
Trees need water, sunlight, nutrients and certain minerals to grow.
Relationships need trust, affection, emotional stability and sex to grow.
Every time you fight with your ex girlfriend over unimportant things that is essentially like taking an axe and putting a notch in the “relationship tree.” All of those healthy things that relationships need start to lose their effectiveness and start to matter less.
I am pretty sure that you get what I am saying here since you probably hate how you feel after you fight with your girlfriend.
So, lets show some empathy and put ourselves in your exes shoes for a moment. Imagine that you and her are fighting all of the time. Tell me, what is fun about a relationship like that? What is it about a relationship like that, that would make her want to stay?
Speaking personally, I was in a relationship like that and I couldn’t deal with it. So, why would she?
Your Future Potential
We kind of touched on this above in the age section and we are going to touch on this again here.
I already established that between the ages of 23 -35 most women aren’t going to be wasting their time on men who they can’t see themselves with long term (yes I am talking about marriage.) For example, I was talking to a woman the other day who was complaining that her boyfriend was still in “party mode.”
He would go out every night and spend all of his money in the clubs.
Now, let me ask you something. If you were a woman and your main goal when it comes to relationships was to find someone you can marry would you find that type of behavior attractive?
The correct answer there is NO.
Now, I think it goes without saying that I have dealt with a lot of relationships in my life. I talk to both men and women every single day about them and when it comes to this particular issue (a mans future potential) there is one thing that I continually see.
There is a disconnect.
As a man I can honestly say that I didn’t start thinking seriously about what it took to create a long lasting relationship (potentially ending in marriage) until I was out of college for a while. Women are different. They mature a lot faster than men do because they realize that their time is much more valuable.
Lets take the average age for getting married for example.
Above I established that the average age a woman gets married is 27 years old (really its 26.9 but I rounded up.) How old do you think men are before they get married?
If you guessed that they were older then you would be right.
According to a 2011 study by the PEW Research Center, the average age that males tend to get married in the United States is 29.8 (which I am going to round up to 30.)
So, we have the men who get married at 30 years old and the women who get married at 27 years old.
This proves my point that women start looking at marriage a lot sooner than we do. So, the disconnect that applies to the (future potential) is the fact that your ex girlfriend may already be at the stage where she is looking for something super serious and you aren’t.
Not Enough Attention
Women are a little bit different than men in that they have to be re-assured that they are the only one that matters to you every so often.
Here’s the interesting thing though. Most girls are smart enough to know that constantly hounding a guy to pay attention to them isn’t the way to go about a situation. Instead, they’d rather drop hints like breadcrumbs and hope you are smart enough to follow the trail to what they really want.
I had a girl once tell me that she shouldn’t have to ask for my attention, I should just know to give it to her.
You see, in their mind if they have to ask you to pay attention to them then that means you didn’t care enough in the first place to give them the attention they feel they are entitled to.
Of course, the less attention a woman usually gets the more it drives her nuts and the more she gets upset with you.
Lets assume for a moment that the reason that your ex girlfriend broke up with you was because you weren’t giving her enough attention. In her mind she probably thinks that she did everything she could (without overstepping her bounds) to get you to pay attention to her. The more you missed her hints the more insecure she became and she probably started being plagued with thoughts like,
“Why isn’t he paying attention to me? Is there something wrong with me?”
Pretty soon those insecurities turn into resentment and instead of thinking there is something wrong with her she begins to think there is something wrong with you,
“I wonder if it will always be like this with him? Will he ever pay me a compliment?”
Are you with me here?
Lets recap really quick.
So far you not paying enough attention to your girlfriend caused her to think about her insecurities which eventually created resentment towards you for making her feel that way.
Here’s the important part.
This resentment she feels is going to lead her down a path that you don’t want her to take, the breakup path.
“Maybe I should break up with him…”
“I wonder what my life would be like without him? Maybe I could find someone that pays attention to me.”
Not paying attention can be dangerous huh?
The Honeymoon Period Ends
Your ex isn’t perfect. Lets not put her on a pedestal here. I guarantee you that she wasn’t a saint all the time throughout your relationship (no one is.) Besides, for the last three breakup reasons I have been pretty hard on you so look at this reason as a bit of a mental break from everything being entirely your fault.
Some women have unrealistic expectations about relationships. In other words, they think that the honeymoon period exists forever.
Lets start there, with the honeymoon period.
Since you have obviously dated before I am sure you are well aware of this period of time at the beginning of a relationship when everything is absolutely perfect. You look at your girlfriend and she can do no wrong. She looks at you and you can do no wrong.
Fights are avoided.
Everything is exciting.
And every morning you wake up you are filled with happiness.
It’s a shame that period of time can’t last forever huh?
Though, if every day was like that then I bet relationships start to become kind of boring. It’s actually the imperfections of relationships that make them interesting. It’s also those imperfections that can cause people to freak out.
(Remember, people don’t like change.)
If your girlfriend became addicted to how she was feeling during the honeymoon period it can be a bit troublesome when reality kicks in and she starts to realize that you can’t feel that way forever. This may eventually cause her to break up with you (because she “lost feelings.”)
Here is the most ironic part. The truth is that she didn’t really lose feelings. She just came down off her high of being in the honeymoon period.
Of course, the way she looks at it is vastly different. She has convinced herself that all relationships have to feel a certain way. In other words, the honeymoon period has to last forever.
Now, here is the most ironic part of this entire situation. Lets say that your ex girlfriend broke up with you because of this reason (the honeymoon period being over.) Lets also assume that she has moved on to another guy. Well, she is going to be in for a rude awakening because the honeymoon period won’t last forever with this new guy either.
Essentially what we have here is a self fulfilling prophecy where she keeps jumping from relationship to relationships wondering why she can’t ever hang on to a man.
Growing Apart (And My Theory On It)
So, I’ve just sat here and told you four different reasons for why I think most couples who come to this website break up.
But I actually find it far more interesting to talk about why.
A few weeks ago I was doing a Facebook Live and taking questions from men and women who wanted their ex back.
That’s when a woman came on and asked me something that stopped me in my tracks,
“I went to a therapist and she told me that even if you are 95% compatible with someone you are doomed to fail.”
In other words, this therapist is operating under the assumption that you have to be 100% compatible with someone to have a relationship work out.
Interesting idea but I am not sure I agree.
With that logic, in order to have a successful relationship the person you are with can never change but if there is one thing I know better than anyone it’s that change is constant.
I mean, think about it.
Our mere existence is in a constant state of change.
Time is constantly moving forward and changing.
It can never go back and probably never will.
So, why is it that some human beings can couple up and stay together for the rest of their lives despite living an existence full of change?
Well, that’s where my theory comes into play.
You see, I believe that what separates the successful couples from the couples that break up is that despite becoming more and more incompatible they decide to alter their trajectory and grow with the other person.
Imagine it like this,
Every decision and thing you have gone through throughout your life has lead you to a relationship with your ex.
So, what happens when the two of you break up?
Well, often you’ll find due to all kinds of circumstances something will happen that causes your trajectory to drift apart.
This may sound familiar because this is literally where you are right now.
So, what separates the couples that succeed versus the ones that fail?
Well, in my opinion it’s because when one persons trajectory changes their partner doesn’t mirror it entirely but simply grows alongside.
Kind of like this,
Human beings are resistant to change by nature and it’s easy to see why.
But it seems to me that the most successful people in the world are the ones who don’t fear change but embrace it.
Cheating (By You or Her)
Cheating is one of those things that pretty much everyone has a hard time forgiving.
Speaking personally, I can forgive someone for cheating on me but I couldn’t ever be with that person in a romantic way ever again.
Well, truthfully I am one of the most dedicated men you will ever meet when it comes to relationships. The only thing I ask is that my dedication is matched in a relationship. If it isn’t, then I know my worth and I would be willing to walk away to find a situation where I know for a fact my dedication will be matched.
I feel that I am in majority when it comes to this. I expect anyone I date to remain faithful to me. It’s as simple as that.
If that doesn’t happen…
A breakup is probably inevitable.
I am willing to bet that your girlfriend probably holds my exact same view. Nevertheless, I do hear a lot of relationship stories and something I begin noticing more and more of is the following situation,
Lets say that you ended up cheating on your girlfriend. Of course, your girlfriend is madly in love with you so she tries to forgive you and decides to stay with you. Unfortunately, no matter how hard she tries she can’t get past the cheating and it starts to carry over into other aspects of your relationships.
Eventually this becomes such a problem that she initiates a break up with you.
Of course, I have heard a lot of stories where the shoe is on the other foot. Instead of you being the one who cheats (and is caught) she is the one who cheats.
Call me crazy but I have this internal belief that most people walking around in the world tend to be good people. Sure, we are all flawed, that just goes with the territory, but underneath all those flaws our hearts are in the right place.
Lets say your girlfriend cheats on you and gets away with it.
You have no idea that she has betrayed you.
She should be happy, right?
The guilt of her betrayal could be eating her up inside. In fact, it could be eating away at her so much that SHE breaks up with you because she feels you deserve better.
Now there’s a twist…
3. Determine If The Relationship Worth Fighting For?
In this particular scenario, where your ex girlfriend is the one who broke up with you, you are going to be fighting an uphill battle.
If this were a game of chess everyone would know that the person who is the one who initiated the breakup would hold the advantage (meaning your ex has the advantage.) So, it is extremely important for you to determine if your relationship is even worth fighting for because if you even have a shred of doubt that you aren’t going to be able to pull this off then you probably won’t.
That is the kind of conviction you need.
How To Know If Your Relationship Is Worth Fighting For
Right now there is nothing you want more in your life than to get your ex girlfriend back.
I get it.
Unfortunately, the mere fact that you want your girlfriend back tells me that you are not in a state where you are super emotional. I am not writing this to upset you. I am writing it to educate you.
When I ask you a simple question,
“Is your relationship worth fighting for?”
I bet you that 100% of you are going to answer yes. I mean, you came here looking for a way to get her back if she was the one who broke up with you, of course you think your relationship is worth fighting for.
But is it?
Is it really?
I have literally put hundreds of couples back together (not an exaggeration check out the success section on Ex Boyfriend Recovery and on this site.)
Out of all the couples that I put back together do you know which ones I am the most proud of?
It’s the ones that are still together to this day..
The ones that were willing to fight for each other…
The ones that actually ended up getting married!!!
Do you think you and your ex girlfriend can be one of these types of couples? You know, the type of couple that gets back together and does whatever it takes to stay together?
I can already hear you answering in your head.
YOU: “Of course we can be one of those couples!”
Tell me, what are you going to do different this time around if you get her back?
I am serious. Take out a piece of paper and tell me exactly what YOU can do differently this time to carry your weight in the relationship?
You want to know how you can determine if your ex is worth fighting for.
I’ll tell you.
If you can take out a piece of paper and actually list out 10 things that are going to change to make sure you are a more successful couple this second time around. If you can’t do that then I am afraid to tell you that your ex is not worth fighting for.
Now, on the flip side if you can pull out that piece of paper and list out 10 things quite easily then you are probably going to be terrified that it might be too late. If that’s the case check out this vide,
4. If You Determine It Is Worth It Then Craft A Plan To Get Her Back
This is where we get to start to have some fun and craft a game plan on how the heck we are going to get your ex girlfriend back after she dumped you.
I can’t tell you how much of a mistake it is to try getting your ex back without any type of plan in place.
In fact, this is probably the single greatest mistake I see men making time and time again,
Well, it really has to do with the fact that they let their emotions take control when they should be thinking with logic.
What’s that old phrase,
“When emotions run high, logic runs low.”
However, the more and more I immerse myself into this process by working with people the more I realize that in order to have a successful campaign you really need both logic and emotions.
Do you know who Spock is?
How about Captain Kirk?
Spock and Kirk are basically the main characters of the original Star Trek series.
(If you aren’t a Trekkie don’t worry this will still apply to you.)
So, Spock and Kirk have two very distinct qualities.
Spock: Highly logical
Kirk: Highly emotional
Can you imagine these guys trying to win an ex back?
Spock would end up reciting basic modern day courting rituals where Kirk… well, he’d just be Kirk,
Here’s my point.
In order to give yourself the best chance to succeed you need to create a game plan that finds a way to combine both logic and emotion because everyone knows Spock and Kirk alone are weak but together they are unstoppable!
Luckily, I have put together the perfect plan for you,
- Hit the reset button with the no contact rule
- Become the man she has always dreamed of
- Work on influence as opposed to control
- Get a commitment with the interdependence theory
Lets’s talk about each one of these things now.
5. Hit The Reset Button With The No Contact Rule
Look, whatever you are doing right now to get your ex girlfriend back is not working so I think it’s time to try a different approach.
The question now becomes, what approach should you take?
I suppose you could try to spruce up your “texting game” and do a better job of text messaging her. Of course, doing that at this point is a little risky considering you probably aren’t her favorite person in the world right now. Lets save the texting for a little bit later down the road for when the time is right.
The one X factor here that I haven’t really gone into is the fact that she was the one who broke up with you. That means that on some level she had this exact thought in her head,
“I am consciously making the decision to end this relationship with him.”
So, basically all 3 steps that I am going to be covering here have one goal in mind,
Painting you in a light so bright that she will be forced to take you back.
Think of it like this. It’s almost like you are “pitching” yourself to her just like a business proposal. Of course, you can’t only appeal to her on a logical level like most business people try to do. No, when it comes to relationships with women you also have to take the emotional factor into account.
Ah… herein lies the problem.
Now, Ill admit that I don’t know your exact situation but I do know one thing. If you are reading this page then that means that your ex was the one who probably broke up with you. So, the fact that she had to break up with you was probably painful to her on many levels and she is associating those painful/angry/upset emotions with you.
If you try to get her back right now (which I know for a fact you do) it is not going to go very well because she isn’t in the right emotional mindset to take you back.
Timing is important when you deal with women, trust me.
Think of it like this.
Lets say that you just received some bad news and you are going to be forced to break it to a woman. What do you think is going to work out better for you in the end?
Telling her this bad news when she isn’t in a good mood?
Telling her this bad news when she is in a good mood?
(I shouldn’t have to answer that.)
If you try to get your ex girlfriend back really fast then that means you are “pitching yourself” to her when she is in a very bad mood. It would be smarter of you to wait until her emotions reset or wait until she starts missing you to get her back.
This is where our reset button comes in handy.
Reset Button = The No Contact Rule
I have talked about the no contact rule a lot on this site.
(Here, here and here to be exact.)
Oh, and if that’s not enough I’ve even recorded a video on it,
While I hate constantly repeating myself from guide to guide I feel that the no contact rule is such a factor for “resetting” things that I have to.
Human beings have this primal need to feel wanted and the NC rule taps directly into that. Your ex girlfriend broke up with you and that means that deep down she has probably had the following thought,
“I bet he begs for me back.”
(This is something I teach women about men and now I am doing the same to you… I feel kind of bad like I am pitting men and women against each other in the dating game… oh well.)
So, as your ex girlfriend sits around waiting for you to beg for her back and you don’t the dynamic begins to slowly change. You see, she was probably angry that your relationship failed and that puts her in an angry mood. In fact, she has become so angry that she wants you to beg for her back because in her mind she will have “won.”
Well, if you are implementing the no contact rule and not talking to her you are obviously not going to be begging for her back. Pretty soon she is going to start wondering,
“Why hasn’t he begged for me back?”
Give the no contact rule some more time to work its magic after this and pretty soon she will be thinking,
“Man… I kind of miss him.”
Do you see what happened there?
She is starting to crave your attention. She no longer feels wanted by you and that drives her nuts. The no contact rule essentially acted like a reset button where you took her anger and turned it into,
“I miss him.”
The most important thing about the no contact rule is it brings your ex girlfriend back to a mindset where you can effectively “pitch yourself.”
6. Become The Man She Has Always Dreamed Of
One of the advantages to owning a large website full of women (like the sister site to this one, Ex Boyfriend Recovery) is that I have a large database of women to quiz on what they are looking for in potential partners. You see, with my other site I have established an email list of over 5,000 women.
That means that whenever I want I can send a mass email out to 5,000 women at once. Well, a few days ago (since I knew I was writing this guide) I decided to send out a mass email to women quizzing them on the most important traits that a man has to have in order for them to fall in love with that man.
I picked out 20 traits and asked my database of 5,000 women to pick out the top three traits that “the man of their dreams” would have to have in order for her to fall in love with him.
The results were pretty interesting.
I am obviously going to be letting you in on them but first I feel it is important to explain why it is essential that you become the man of your exes dreams.
Why You Have To Become The Man Of Your Exes Dreams
You weren’t good enough….
Let that sink in for a moment.
Your ex girlfriend gave you a shot to be “the one” and you didn’t make the cut.
No matter how much women insist that they don’t think about things like that I guarantee you that they do. In fact, I am willing to bet that somewhere in the dark corners of her room there is a piece of paper entitled,
“The Man Of My Dreams”
What’s on that piece of paper you ask?
An actual list of qualities that she wants the man of her dreams to have. Why am I talking about this?
Because, when your ex girlfriend was dating you she was constantly comparing you to this mythical list that she created and in the end you weren’t good enough to keep around which means that she probably thought to herself,
“I can do better than him.”
What I want you to do is work a little bit every single day to prove her wrong. The mere fact that she broke up with you means she already gave up on you. I want you to make her feel like she made a massive mistake because that is really the only way you are going to convince her to take you back.
So, what qualities are women typically looking for in the man of their dreams?
Like I said above, I asked 5,000 women this question and here were the results.
The Three Qualities Every Man Needs To Have
When you give 5,000 women 20 qualities to choose from in describing their perfect man you begin to realize that beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. Nevertheless, you also begin to see certain consistencies among all women.
Out of the 20 qualities listed I was able to notice three consistent trends among everyone who answered my little survey.
To women, the three most important qualities for a man to have are as follows,
So, your task is simple. Make sure you work extremely hard on developing these three characteristics. Trust me when I say that it is going to pay off for you.
7. Influencing Her As Opposed To Trying To Control Her
Be honest, you want nothing more than to control your ex girlfriend.
If you could control her she wouldn’t have broken up with you and you wouldn’t even be reading a site like this. Unfortunately for you, you can’t control her and you are reading this site.
The number one mistake that I see men make when they are trying to get their ex girlfriends back is that their mindset is completely wrong. You see, most men try to control things too much.
Let me give you an example, lets say that I wanted to get an ex girlfriend back and the time for me to finally talk to her after “hitting the reset button” has come. I decide that my best bet to do this is through text messaging. When I text message her I begin to get very upset when things don’t go my way. In other words, I am trying to control every single aspect of the conversation. I am selfish about it.
I want her to respond when I want her to respond and I want her to text me when I want her to text me. Everything I am doing is from a selfish perspective.
Why do you think controlling/being selfish like this is a bad approach to winning back an ex girlfriend?
It’s a bad idea because you aren’t doing anything to influence her.
Women want to be influenced, they just don’t know it.
The Power Of Influence
Here is the most ironic thing about influence. The truth is that if you are able to successfully influence your ex girlfriend you can make her take the actions you wanted her to take if you were to control her.
I know it sounds weird but hear me out.
Let me give you an example.
You and your ex girlfriend are obviously broken up. We all already know that you want her back very badly. If you could draw a perfect scenario up it would be one where she is the one who begs for you back. So, in order to achieve this scenario you try way too hard to control things and you end up falling flat on your face.
On the other hand, if you were just to try to influence her she will slowly but surely start to move towards that “dream scenario” of her begging for you back.
Influence > Control
8. Get A Commitment With The Interdependence Theory
A few years ago if you were to ask me,
“Chris, what’s the best way to get a commitment from an ex girlfriend.”
I probably would have looked a little like this,
However, one of the most interesting developments for the strategy that I teach when it comes to getting a commitment form an ex came a couple of years ago when I heard about the interdependence theory.
So, what is the interdependence theory?
Well, truth be told if I pulled out a dictionary and wrote word for word here on what it is you’d probably be scratching your head and thinking,
“What the hell is this?”
So, let me bring it down to earth for you.
Interdependence Theory: Human beings commit to one another based on a cost and benefit scenario. Therefore, they are always trying to maximize the benefits while minimizing the costs.
Let’s break this down a bit more.
At one point during your relationship with your ex girlfriend she probably thought,
“Can I do better?”
And arrived at a,
“Yes, I can…”
This is the interdependence theory at work.
Now, distilling this down even further there are three things that we can really look at to help us understand the interdependence theory,
I’ve found that there is an interesting synergy between all three of these factors. In other words, if one falters the others get pulled down. However, if one succeeds the others get pulled up.
Lets take a moment to talk about these three factors.
What do you think I mean by satisfaction?
Is it being satisfied with yourself?
It’s all about how satisfied your ex girlfriend is in a relationship. Think for a moment back to your relationship.
Was she satisfied?
(The correct answer is no.)
Otherwise she wouldn’t have broken up with you.
So, a huge benefit that will cause an ex to recommit to you is if she feels satisfied throughout her interactions with you.
Lets move on and talk about alternatives.
This one isn’t rocket science.
There comes a point throughout every relationship where we sit back and think,
“Hmm… can I do better than the person I am with?”
I alluded to this above when I introduced the idea of the IT (interdependence theory.)
But your ex having that thought isn’t what alternatives is.
Alternatives is what she uses to measure that thought.
This is where synergy comes into play.
So far we’ve talked about three things.
- Satisfaction = How satisfied a person is in their relationship
- A Thought = “Can I do better than my relationship?”
- Alternatives = What is used to measure that thought.
I just realized that, that was one of the worst explanations ever. So I’d like to explain it visually.
Do you see how the synergy works?
By becoming dissatisfied (satisfaction) in a relationship it gives your ex a thought, “can I do better” (The Thought) which causes them to compare you to other men (alternatives.)
Pretty wild, right?
Lets move on and talk about the third and arguably most important factor.
Let me ask you a question.
What do you think your most important commodity is?
I’ll give you a hint, it’s that which you can never get back.
Now, what does that have to do with investment?
Well, imagine for a moment that you have a monopoly on your exes time.
In other words, she has invested a lot of her time into a relationship with you. Well, it becomes a lot more difficult to break up with you at that point.
Here’s my point.
The more that you can get your ex to invest into you the better.
But what constitutes an investment?
We’ve already talked about a big one in time but there are a lot more than that,
- Having her text you
- Talking on the phone
- Paying for dinner
- Talking to you about her feelings
I think you get the idea.
Investment = Good!
If you’d like to learn more about the interdependence theory and how it relates to commitment I highly recommend you watch this video,
This article was a blast to write.
However, after about 7,000 words I am pretty exhausted which inevitably means that there is bound to be something you are dying to know that I’ve missed.
That’s what the comments section below are for!
Basically me and my team will be responding to anyone who has a question or comment about the article.
So, if you think,
“God, he didn’t even talk about how to tie that interdependence theory into a commitment”
Well, that’s what the comments section is for.
And if you think,
“That Chris Seiter is so awesome.”
PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!!!!!