By Chris Seiter

Updated on November 14th, 2022

Understanding the mind of a woman is a tricky business.

In fact, legendary theoretical physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking once said,

They are (referring to women) a complete mystery

If Stephen Hawking, arguably the smartest person on earth thinks that women are a mystery then what chance do the rest of us bozos stand when it comes to understanding them?

Actually better than you’d think.

You see, while Stephen Hawking may be a wiz when it comes to science he is definitely no wiz when it comes to women.

Want to know who is?

My wife!



Oh, and I’m not too shabby either when it comes to understanding the dynamics at play in relationships.

I do run two very successful websites on getting an ex back and have authored a book about how to get your ex girlfriend back and another one about what to say to your ex girlfriend via text message to win her back.

So, when you put my wife (the ultimate genius on women) and me (the ultimate genius on exes) together we are some super couple with super advice on ex girlfriends.

This leads me to my next point.

What the heck does it mean if you have an ex girlfriend who is being hot and cold with you?

Oh, and how do you get her back if she is hot and cold?

Well, buckle up because my wife and I are about to revolutionize your world.

First things first though, what does it mean when an ex girlfriend is being “hot and cold.”

What Does It Mean To Have An Ex That Is “Hot And Cold”

hot cold

I have always thought that the thing that makes Ex Girlfriend Recovery stand out above all the other websites out there is my masterful use of “role playing.”

Now, I know what you are thinking.

“Masterful… Really?”

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And to that I have one thing to say.

“Yes, totally masterful 😉 . Watch as I do it here.”

Ok, in an effort to describe what I mean by “hot and cold” I am going to use Bob and Cecily as an example.

So, we have this guy named Bob who is kind of depressed since his long time girlfriend Cecily just broke up with him.

sad BOB

However, Bob decides that he is going to rise from the ashes and try to get Cecily back again,

rising up bob

Of course, during his campaign to win Cecily back Bob notices that he is making some serious progress due to the fact that Cecily is actively flirting with him. (HOT)

Cecily flirt

But just when Bob thinks that he has made a major breakthrough Cecily does something that makes him think that she doesn’t want him anymore. (COLD)

don't talk

And then right after she makes him think that she doesn’t want him anymore she does something that makes him think that she does. Of course, you know what happens next, right?

She makes him think she doesn’t… (COLD)

And then does… (HOT)

And then doesn’t… (COLD)

And then does… (HOT)

And then doesn’t… (COLD)

This process repeats over and over again until one of two things happen.

She actually takes him back OR moves on.

(Wasn’t that a masterful role play 😉 .)

Now, we obviously want your ex girlfriend to take you back as opposed to moving on but before I get to that I feel I should touch on why an ex girlfriend would give you this hot/cold treatment.

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Why Your Ex Girlfriend Is Giving You The Hot/Cold Treatment


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At the start of this article I mentioned that women are a mystery and I did this using Stephen Hawking, one of the smartest men who ever lived, as an example.

Of course, I did make a rather bold statement after that.

Do you remember what I said?





Ok, I am done with the Ferris Bueller references…


Ok, that was the last one.

I said that while Stephen Hawking and I may not be an expert on why women do the things that they do but my wife is!

She is a woman after all.

Now, I do have a few theories as to why women give men the hot and cold treatment but I really want to go above and beyond for you guys and I think that you want facts as opposed to me just guessing with a theory. So, I asked my wife what reasons would a woman have to do the hot/cold treatment on a man.

Here is what she said,

  1. She wants him there for security
  2. She doesn’t know what she wants
  3. She is playing mind games
  4. She is still mad about the breakup while at the same time has a lot of love
  5. She doesn’t trust him yet

Of course, If you know anything about me or my website, Ex Girlfriend Recovery you would know that I am not satisfied just explaining the “why” of a problem. I feel that, that would kind of leave you out to dry a bit. So, after I thoroughly explain what is going through your ex girlfriends head with this hot and cold treatment I am going to give you a game plan to get her back in this situation using the insights I have just taught you.

Sound good?

First things first though, lets understand the “why” a bit better.

Reason #1- She Wants Him There For Security


Relationships are great.

It’s nice having someone that you can talk to about your problems when you have them.

I mean, it’s incredible having that support that you can count on.

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But after a breakup neither party is obligated to give this support.

But what if you are trying to get your ex girlfriend back (which you are!)

Well, then all of a sudden you WANT to hear about your ex girlfriends problems and you want to give her support.

Now, lets walk a mile in your ex girlfriends shoes for a bit.

So, you are talking to a guy that you used to date and he is being nice and listening to your problems and providing emotional support to you. It’s kind of nice and you don’t want it to end. Of course, you know the way that men work. You know that if you don’t give him any hope of a future with you then he is definitely not going to keep providing the support you have become accustomed to getting.

In order to prolong this support you decide that you are going to string him along a bit.

You will drip feed hope (of a future) to keep him engaged.

And when he tries to push things along further to squeeze a commitment out of you, you are going to kind of push him away a bit.

Does this sound like a woman being hot and cold to you?

It certainly does to me.

Lets move on to the second reason.

Reason #2- She Doesn’t Know What She Wants Yet

I don't know

Lets slip back into those comfortable “woman shoes” and describe this reason.

You have just went through a breakup and are trying to figure things out.

Just as you are starting to get them figured out your ex walks back into your life and reminds you of all the good times you used to have.

That time at the beach…

That time in your room where you… well, you know?

Oh, and who could forget the trip to the Bahamas?

(Too much?)

Anyways, all of these good memories are clashing with all the bad ones and confusing you.

One moment you are thinking about your amazing trip together and how you felt during it and then the next you are thinking about that horrible fight that you had that ultimately ended things between the two of you.

(Lets hit the pause button here a minute)

I have found that women are a tad bit more emotional than men.

What do I mean by that?

I mean that they usually follow their feelings before anything.

So, if something feels good they tend to be drawn to it and if something feels bad they tend to not be drawn to it.

(Ok, unpuase!)

If you have a man making you feel good about something you are going to open up a bit more (HOT.) However, if a few days later you remember that horrible fight and it gives you a really bad feeling inside you are going to close off a bit (COLD.)

Do you see how it works now?

Basically a woman who is unsure of how she feels or who is conflicted with feeling one thing in one moment and then another thing in another moment will give you this hot and cold treatment.

Reason #3- She Is Playing Mind Games With You

obi want

Do yourself a favor and hop on over to Ex Boyfriend Recovery and read some of my material there.

(For those of you who don’t know I actually run two websites. A brother site (Ex Girlfriend Recovery) and a sister site (Ex Boyfriend Recovery.))

Anyways, I am getting off topic a bit.

Go over to EBR and take a look at all the women who are desperately searching for advice on how to get their boyfriends back.

Specifically I want you to take a look at how willing women are to play mind games with their exes to get them back.

(It doesn’t help that I encourage them too either.)

Here is a truth that I have come to learn over the years.

No one is better at playing mind games than women.

In fact, women had to be the ones to even come up with the idea.

Isn’t it possible that your ex girlfriend, being as smart as she is, is playing mind games with you?

That she is being “hot” and “cold” on purpose.

Now, I know what you are wondering at this point.

“But why would she do that?”

There could be a couple of reasons. Maybe she is trying to get back at you for making her feel as bad as she does about the breakup and her way of doing that is to lead you on. Maybe she just enjoys watching your wheels spin as you try to figure her out. Heck, maybe she wants you back and this is her way to do it.

(Side Note: I would teach a woman to be hot and cold to a man on purpose to win him back)

Whatever the case is it is very possible for an ex girlfriend to be hot and cold as a result of mind games.

Lets move on!

Reason #4- She Is Still Mad But Has Moments Where She Remembers The Good Times

she mad

I am trying to think of something comparable to this.


I actually came up with an idea but I am a little hesitant to share it with you for fear of being mocked.

Though I supposed I can’t be called a “true fan” if I hide it from you.

Are you ready…

Brace yourselves…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

I am a fan of… The Dallas Cowboys…

dallas cowboys

I suppose it makes sense when you consider that I am from Texas and my father and grandfather are huge Cowboys fans. I followed suit of course!

Oh, and I haven’t even told you the best part.

I don’t even live in Texas anymore. I moved to be with my wife who lives in… get this… Philadelphia.

UGH… Eagles…


Yup, I live in enemy territory…

Anyways, I got a little off topic there.

Sometimes when I am watching the Cowboys and they play particularly poorly I tend to get a bit… angry.

In fact, I can get so upset sometimes that I will literally turn a game off and stop watching for an hour or two because of mad it can make me.

Of course, here is the best part.

During that hour where I have them turned off the Cowboys are forefront in my mind.

“I wonder if they scored?”

“Remember that one time that I turned them off like this and I got curious as to what the score was and I turned back and they were winning?”

“Lightning can strike twice, right?”


Eventually after I remember the good times I turn it back to see the score again.

What if this same type of effect is happening to your ex girlfriend when she thinks about you?

What if she gets mad at you for the breakup and becomes cold towards you. However, after some time and remembering the good times she decides to check in again and becomes hot towards you?

It’s possible for that to happen, right?

Reason #4- She Doesn’t Trust Him


Hypotehtical situation…

Lets say that you and your ex girlfriend broke up because you cheated on her.

It was a girl at your office who you have had admired from afar for quite some time. One day she came up to you and began flirting. You, being a guy enjoyed the flirting and pretty soon you found yourself looking forward to work solely because you wanted to see this girl.

Months went by and eventually the two of you were hanging out, outside of work, and then she says it…

“I think I am falling for you..”

The words hit you like a two ton truck and you find yourself extremely overcome by the moment and do the unthinkable…

You kiss her…

The moment that your lips meet hers you knew you made a mistake.

Visions of your girlfriend pop into your head and you get this horrible sinking feeling in your gut.

Of course, you are a human being and your first instinct is to hide your indiscretion from your girlfriend. Your first thought is,

“Maybe if I don’t even say anything this will just blow over.”

It doesn’t though..

In fact, the girl that you cheated on your girlfriend with really wants you and in an effort to break you and your current girlfriend up she lets slip the fact that you cheated.

Your girlfriend is furious upon learning the news and breaks up with you.

Of course a few weeks later you stumble across my book, Ex Girlfriend Recovery PRO and start learning from this guy,

Jennifer Chris W-338 copy

(Are you starting to regret that decision yet?)

Anyways, you learn all sorts of cool tricks like the no contact rule, how to text her due to your purchase of the Texting Bible and pretty much how to approach every get your ex back situation that you can think of.

Eventually you start seeing some progress as she starts opening up to you a bit. However, just when you think you have reached a new level she does something that changes your mind and thinks you have no chance again.

This process repeats over and over again like a never-ending merry go round.

Screen Shot 2015-10-11 at 12.28.48 AM

So, what the heck is happening here?

Why would your ex girlfriend react this way.

Well, my money is on the fact that she doesn’t trust you.

Think of it like this.

In the moments where she is “HOT” she is remembering all the good times the two of you had. All of the times that were great in your relationship. However, all the times where she is “COLD” she is remembering the bad times. Specifically the time where you betrayed her trust and cheated on her.

So, how do you overcome this?

Heck, how do you overcome all of these “hot” and “cold” reasoning’s?

Well, that’s where the meat of this article really comes into play.

How To Overcome The “Hot” And “Cold” Treatment


I couldn’t resist a Yoda meme!

Really the best way to overcome the hot and cold treatment from your ex girlfriend is to take all of the reasons I gave above…

Tell me you don’t need me to repeat them?

You do, don’t you?


Reasons An Ex Girlfriend Would Give You The Hot/Cold Treatment

  1. She wants him there for security
  2. She doesn’t know what she wants
  3. She is playing mind games
  4. She is still mad about the breakup while at the same time has a lot of love
  5. She doesn’t trust him yet

Ok, where was I before I was rudely interrupted by you :p .

The best way to overcome the hot and cold treatment is to take all the reasons I gave above and combat all of them in some way so that your ex girlfriend has really no motivation to continue giving you the treatment.

Oh, but I haven’t gotten to the best part yet.

Are you ready?

Did you notice that in my explanations of why a woman would give you the hot/cold treatment it usually revolved around the fact that at times a woman was feeling good about you and then that feeling became trumped by a bad feeling (which caused her to be “cold.”)

Well, what I am going to teach you how to do is to maximize the “hot” moments and minimize the “cold” moments.

Do you get it?


Ok, I will create a fun graphic for you to explain it,

hot and cold

So basically what we are doing is taking all those “hot” qualities and trotting them out in front of your ex while we disarm all the “cold” qualities in the background.

Alright, lets do it.

The first order of business is talking about disarming those cold qualities.

This is where understanding the reasons for a hot and cold ex come into play.

Lets start with the first reason.

Disarming Reason #1- She Wants You There For Security


I repeat.

DO NOT become your ex girlfriends emotional support after this breakup.

It is a known fact that breakups cause people to seek support.

I mean, look at you.

You came here to Ex Girlfriend Recovery looking for help on how to get your ex girlfriend back and if you are honest with yourself you are probably using my blog as a form of therapy, right?

(Ya… you can’t hide it from me 😉 .)

Anyways, a common thing that women will do is actually turn to their ex boyfriends for support and if an ex boyfriend is like you (where he wants to get back with an ex girlfriend) he is probably going to be more than happy to lend that support.

Theirs just one problem…


So, what’s the solution here?

Don’t become your ex boyfriends support.

In fact, one of the most popular strategies that I talk about in PRO is the no contact rule as this kind of prevents any emotional support after a breakup.

Oh, for those of you who don’t know what the no contact rule is it is basically this period of time where you ignore your ex girlfriend after a breakup. I usually recommend somewhere between 21 to 45 days.

In fact, I actually wrote an article about it here.

So, I guess my advice to you here is to implement the no contact rule so you prevent being your ex girlfriends number one choice as a “friend.”

Now, I don’t know if there is too much you can do here to put your “hot” qualities front and center so lets just move on to the next bomb to “disarm.”

Disarming Reason #2- Your Ex Girlfriend Doesn’t Know What She Wants Yet

A lot of times people don’t know what they want until you show it to them…

-Steve Jobs

This is certainly true in sales but is it true in relationships?


In fact, it is a big part of the strategy that I use in Ex Girlfriend Recovery PRO and ironically the latest article I just posted.

How can I put this so that it really sticks in your brain.

Lets walk around in your ex girlfriends shoes for a moment and create what she considers to be the perfect man.

Now, I don’t want to get too crazy with this since I don’t have the time and patience for it so lets just assume that your ex girlfriends “perfect man” has three qualities.

  1. Good looking
  2. Funny
  3. Charming

perfect man

(Now, I realize that in real life your ex girlfriends idea of a perfect man will definitely have more than three qualities but bear with me here for a moment.)

Your ex girlfriend just went through a breakup with you and now she is looking for her idea of a perfect man and then one day she happens to be out at a bar with a couple of friends and she runs into this guy,

perfect man

So, all of a sudden, after meeting with “the man she didn’t know she wanted,” guess what happens?


Now, what if I told you that YOU could become “the man that your ex girlfriend didn’t know she wanted?”

Would you be interested in doing that?

Well, it just so happens that doing just that is how you disarm reason #2.

Disarming Reason #3- She Is Playing Mind Games With You

Back when I was explaining “reason #3” above I mentioned that women are very capable of playing mind games with you.

(Basically that was my way of telling you that the hot and cold treatment was on purpose by her.)

If you believe that to be the case with your ex girlfriend then how the heck are we going to disarm this?

Simple, we are going to utilize a tried and true military tactic that is often used in war, the preemptive strike.

You know what that is, right?

Preemptive Strike- An attack carried out to destroy an enemies capacity to respond. A preemptive strike is carried out based on the assumption that an enemy is planning an imminent attack.

I want to make one thing very clear.

I am not telling you to go out and attack your ex girlfriend.

What I mean by preemptive strike is that I want you to give HER the hot and cold treatment before she does it to you.

Now, I know what you are thinking.

“What would that accomplish?”

Well, if you have ever taken the time to read my theories on people in general I have this belief that people are attracted to things that they can’t have.

For example, I want a house…

A really nice house…

With a view…

house with a view

Yup, that will do…

Anyways, the more I think about it the more it becomes attractive to me.


Because I don’t have it.

But I guarantee you that if I owned that house and I had that view 365 days a year it will lose some of it’s attractiveness (though it would still be pretty damn nice.)

Well, being hot and cold towards someone is like the ultimate way of using yourself as bait and then when the person goes to reach for you, you take yourself away and scream,

“Ha, Ha, Ha, You Can’t Have Me”

In their face.

So, my solution for you is to turn the tables on your ex with a preemptive strike.

Do what she is doing to you to her.

Disarming Reasons #4 & #5- She Is Still Mad But Has Moments Of Love/She Doesn’t Trust You

I coupled these two up because I felt that the strategy disarming reasons four and five is the same. Besides, it can be argued that a woman who is mad is the same as a woman who loses trust.

Lets use our example of cheating that I gave above.

Isn’t it possible that a woman who has been cheated on by you and lost trust in you is going to be mad at you?

You get what I am saying, right?


Whatever, I am going forward.

Time heals all wounds…

Your familiar with the phrase, correct?

You should be because it is arguably one of the most quoted phrases of all time.

But is it true?

Does time really heal all wounds.


I tend to think that it doesn’t.

Look, time heals a lot of things.

However, there are some things that it won’t heal.

For example, lets say that a mother loses her child during a horrific car accident. Do you really think that 20 years later after it is all over that she is going to be over that?

Something tells me that she won’t be.

It is for this reason that I would say that the phrase should be amended to say,

It’s what you do with that time that heals

Some men use their time wisely after a breakup and are able to get their ex girlfriends to trust them again and some men don’t and end up pi**ing their girlfriends off even more.

So, here is what I want you to do.

I want you to figure out what your ex girlfriend is mad about and then we are going to spend our time healing that wound for her.

Think about how the human body works when you get a cut.

You get a cut,


Then after you get a cut blood rushes out and forms a clot that tightens and chemicals are released that tell the body to start forming a scab,

c20baae9af5d7f884c01747bd513cdac copy

Once a scab is formed it will eventually fall off making way for a new layer of skin,

c20baae9af5d7f884c01747bd513cdac copy 2

Emotions don’t really work that way do they?

Sure they can heal but often times it requires you (or someone else) to do something to heal them.

So, we are going to take a Que from our own bodies and help your ex girlfriend heal a bit.

I also want to stick with this cut and scab analogy for this.

Now, in this example the cut is going to be the equivalent of the pain that your ex girlfriend is feeling.


The clot/scab is going to be the equivalent of what you do to stop the pain,

c20baae9af5d7f884c01747bd513cdac copy

And finally the scab falling off is going to be like her forgiving you or her pain finally ending,

c20baae9af5d7f884c01747bd513cdac copy 2

Whoa that’s a lot of pictures.

Now, I am guessing you are a bit confused as to how the heck this cut/scab/new skin thing works from an emotional standpoint.

I suppose the best way for me to explain this to you is to give you an example and I can think of no better one than cheating.

Lets take the example of cheating I gave above about you and that girl at work (hopefully you remember.)

The Cut = The Pain She Has From Your Cheating

This one isn’t too complicated to figure out.

If you cheated on your ex girlfriend and she found out that you cheated then she is going to be upset and will not get over it for quite some time.

Of course, we can speed this process along but creating a “scab” for her.

The Clot/Scab = You Implementing My “Rebuilding Trust” Ideas For Cheaters

In my book and in this article I wrote about what you need to do to rebuild trust with your ex girlfriend and what you need to do to get her back if you cheated on her.

The ideas there would be a fantastic place to start to create a scab for your ex girlfriend.

The Scab Falling Off = Her Forgiving You

Not really much explanation needed here…

You can use this “cut theory” on pretty much any angry thought your ex girlfriend has about you. The trick to it is figuring out exactly what you need to do to create the scab.	

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