By Chris Seiter

Updated on July 1st, 2022

It can really sting when your ex-girlfriend suddenly ghosts you when you think you’re making good progress towards getting her back.

You probably don’t even know why she did it or how you can get her interested in talking to you again.

Today we’re going to talk about what to do if your ex-girlfriend isn’t interested in you at all.

This is something I see a lot of men struggle with, especially if they’re under the impression that they’re doing everything right.

You’re finally starting conversations with your ex-girlfriend, and things seem to be going well. All of a sudden, your ex just stops responding.

That’s it, no warning, no signs, just a straight-up cold shoulder.

Days go by without a response.

You try to come up with the perfect text message to get an answer, but that fails too.

Next thing you know, a couple of months have gone by, and you’re just sitting in limbo, wondering what you can do next because your ex doesn’t seem interested in you at all.

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What To Do If Your Ex Girlfriend Isn’t Interested In You

Well, I have some good news that’ll help you understand what your ex might be wanting you to do if you want her to be interested in talking to you again.

Now, I’m not making any of this up – believe it or not, I spend most of my time coaching women on how to get their ex-boyfriends back.

This kind of access to the female psyche puts me in a unique position to be able to help men like you.

I also have a gigantic private support group on Facebook that everyone who has purchased our program and done coaching with us. 90% of the people in that group are women, so I decided to ask them about their ideal solutions to your dilemma.

I created a difficult situation and decided to post about it in our Facebook group to see what the responses would look like.

Ultimately when I run polls like this, I’m looking for patterns, and luckily 108 people commented on this Facebook post, so we had a lot of first-hand data to sift through.

About an hour and a half into playing with the data, it became clear that there were patterns with huge consistencies amongst each other.

Keep in mind, every single one of these patterns is from women who have responded to this poll.

We don’t necessarily agree with everything, but I still want to share their take with you to give you an insight into the female mind.

The Patterns:

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  1. Ask about something that you saw on your ex’s social media account
  2. Apologize
  3. Show curiosity of what you have been doing
  4. Show a new side of yourself or a life change
  5. Send flowers
  6. Focus on shared interests
  7. Actions speak louder than words
  8. Do a grand gesture – call instead of text
  9. Purposely friendzone yourself
  10. Ask genuine caring questions
  11. Ask a great open-ended question
  12. Give them space first

There’s a lot to unpack here, and ultimately, not all of these patterns are created equally.

Unpacking The Four Big Patterns

In fact, when you look at all the patterns that I just listed, only four were consistent among those 108 comments.

What are the four most important things that women say you should do to get an uninterested ex-girlfriend to pay attention to you?

In order from most important to least important:

Pattern #1: Apologize

This one came as a shocker to me because I’ve been on the record multiple times, telling my coaching clients not to apologize until the time is right. I still think that’s true to a certain extent.

However, the situation I presented to women in my Facebook group was kind of intense. Three months passing means that enough time has gone by to actually warrant an apology because most of the time, if your ex-girlfriend is ignoring you, there’s probably a reason. In that case, an apology can be the right approach.

The trick is about what exactly you say and how you apologize. In my experience, apologies tend to get a little too open-ended. What I mean by that is that people tend to send huge text message apologies that are too long for their ex to read and process.

Also, the longer the apology, the more chances you have of messing up or accidentally trying to justify your behavior, and that is not what women like to see.

Generally speaking, if you’re going to apologize, you want to be genuine about whatever it was that you did wrong, without getting into too many details.

Stick to the classics and make it short, sweet, and simple.

Additionally, the ‘when’ and ‘how’ of an apology are just as important as the actual act of apologizing. For example, you might have more success apologizing over the phone as opposed to a text message. A lot of factors go into this, including but not limited to the comfort levels you and your ex have over texting or calling.

So, let’s say you’ve always found it hard to express emotions over text, so you’d definitely want to apologize over the phone, so you seem sincere. Your choice of method will depend on your gut feeling, so you must feel it out based on your circumstances and relationship.

While every situation is different, here are the three key points to remember when you’re apologizing to your ex:

  1. Enough time has gone by to warrant the apology
  2. Make sure the apology isn’t too long
  3. Make sure you pick the right medium for the apology

Pattern #2: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

This concept of actions speaking louder than words was pretty close behind apologies as one of the things that can get women to pay attention to you.

Essentially, the sentiment here from the women in the group was that sometimes words just aren’t going to be enough, you need to take some action.

Before you get apprehensive about the guesswork and planning behind what an “action” could be, stop. I took the liberty of pressing women to explain exactly what they meant by taking action.

While some women responded with the idea of grand gestures, most women agreed that even putting in the effort of making a phone call instead of sending a text message is enough of a grand gesture in and of itself.

Yeah, it’s really that simple. Just call instead of texting, and your ex will automatically feel more valued.

Interestingly, this is actually a strategy I’m currently implementing with my coaching clients.

Instead of focusing too much on text messages, I advised a few of my clients to leave voicemails.

Of course, we were just as careful in crafting the voicemail as we would be with a text message, but to my great surprise, it’s been quite successful.

Every time they left a voicemail, they’ve gotten a call back.

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Sometimes my clients have even called, and their ex picked up immediately.

So sometimes, a grand digital gesture of calling instead of texting can make all the difference.

One thing to note, though, is that calling your ex or leaving a voicemail should be a hail Mary attempt. In other words, you’ve tried everything else first, and it hasn’t worked.

After all, the way I framed the scenario in my Facebook group to get these answers specifically asked for solutions that would work in the last case scenario for women to respond to their exes after three months.

So, I would only suggest a phone call when you’ve tried everything else and are ready to put it all on the line.

Pattern#3: Showing A New Side Of Yourself Or Having A Life Change

A lot of women were straightforward and said that,

“If I’m ignoring someone, it would have to take something miraculous for me to take them seriously.”

One woman, in particular, shed some more light on what would make her have to do that.

She said that they would have to go through an amazing life change, or something would have to happen that shows a new side of themselves. In fact, she even equated it to the idea that this new life change should be noteworthy enough for her to stop scrolling down her Facebook newsfeed to stare at her ex’s post about their life change.

It wouldn’t make her interested enough to make her contact you, but it would make her interested enough to be open to being contacted.

This is more of a social media game because it’s the best way to show a new side of yourself or show a massive life change you’ve gone through.

Throughout the history of my career, I’ve talked about human beings and the pre-conceived notions we carry about the people we date. You need to flip your ex’s notions about you to make them see you in a new light.

So, if your ex-girlfriend thinks you’re selfish, maybe going out and volunteering your time to social causes would help challenge her pre-conceived notion of you.

The thing to keep in mind here is that there are a million ways to show these life changes, and sometimes life changes are as simple as getting a new job and sharing about that new job on social media.

I can’t tell you how often women said something along the lines of “if he had some significant life event and I saw it, it would make me more open to what he has to say.” So, you want to share your life on social media where you know she can get a window to your life and see what you’re up to.

This works just as well if your ex-girlfriend has blocked you because she will still find a way to spy on you, or she’ll just hear about your life from mutual friends. Hence its totally worth it to put effort into sharing your life on social media.

Pattern #4: Ask Genuine Questions

About 13% of our respondents shared “asking genuine questions” as their reason for softening their attitude towards their ex.

What do women mean when they say, “Ask genuine questions”?

This means being interested in what’s going on in your ex’s life. In other words, ask your ex-girlfriend an open-ended question about what’s going on in her life and show a genuine interest in it.

Sometimes as men, this is hard for us to do because we often just want to have conversations about what we’re interested in. Even when we make a conscious effort not to do that, we may find ourselves getting bored when she’s talking about stuff we really don’t care for.

That kind of dismissive behavior is just not going to cut if because you have to show genuine interest in her life or else, she’ll be on to you.

A neat “trick” I want to point out is that often, the best way to show genuine interest is to simply LISTEN to what your exgirlfriend has to say.

I don’t just mean hearing the words coming out of her mouth; I mean truly listening to and understanding every nuance of what she’s saying so you can identify that one unmet need she has. If you can meet her needs like no one else can, it’s going to connect you two and make her more attracted to you.

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What is a good example of an unmet need that you can meet?

Well, the key to finding that unmet need is asking genuine questions to get to the bottom of whatever she’s talking about.

Let’s say you’re having a conversation with your ex-girlfriend, and she tells you she’s worried about a guy at work who’s taking over all her sales.

That’s a problem that irks her and makes her angry. In that situation, after carefully listening to her and letting her vent to you, you can do some homework and get back to her with actionable advice about what she can do if he tries to steal another one of her sales at work.

By offering well-researched, relevant, and truly helpful advice, you’re solving her problem and meeting an unmet need. This will make her feel grateful to you, and she will look at you in a new light.

So, always ask genuine questions to show your ex that you’re invested in her life. Trust me, if you try to fake interest, she WILL know.


Your ex might not be interested in talking to you anymore, but there are tried-and-tested ways (shared by women) that you can use to get her interested again:

  1. Apologize
  2. Use actions, not words (Call instead of texting)
  3. Show a new side of yourself or a life change
  4. Listen and ask genuine questions	

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