Today, we’re going to be taking another listener question that we got.
Actually, it was the very second question that we got when I actually started launching the podcast. And a lot of it is going to be focusing on the reasons why ex-girlfriends break up with you and what to do about them. So I’m going to play the question. It’s from someone who wanted to remain anonymous.
What he said resonated with me because you could just tell the defeat in his voice.
And what I’d like to do is by the end of this podcast episode give him and some of the listeners some clarity on what ex-girlfriends really mean when they say you’re being too pessimistic or that they’ve changed or that you should move on because that’s something that not a lot of women will really sort of tell you what they really mean by.
What Does My Ex Girlfriend Mean When She Said That She Changed
So without further ado, let me play Mr. Anonymous’ question.
“My girlfriend left me a few weeks ago.
She said that I was too pessimistic, which I suppose I was, but none of the reasons she gave were really a deal breaker in anyone’s mind, I wouldn’t think, and I haven’t contacted her since the breakup. And I still have deep feelings for her. And she said that she wanted to be happy, or she said she needed to do what’s best for her. And that’s why I let her go so easy.
But since then it hasn’t been so easy, and I just don’t know what direction I need to take it. It’s been almost a month now since I’ve spoken to her, and none of the guides I’ve read have really hit my breakup specifically. And I was just looking for advice on that.”
Okay. There’s a lot to unpack here.
So what I’d like to do typically when I get questions is to sum them up so I can hit the bigger points and sort of help you.
So the person who left this voicemail just had his ex-girlfriend break up with him a few weeks ago.
- He hasn’t talked to her at all since then.
- It looks like it’s been about a month since they’ve talked.
- And the reason she gave was, or initially that he was being too pessimistic, I guess, about the relationship.
- But ultimately she kind of backed that up a little bit by giving him other reasons for the breakup occurring, but none of those rules reasons were really deal breakers in his mind.
- So again, they haven’t contacted each other since the breakup.
- She said that she wanted to be happy and do what’s best for her, which is why he kind of didn’t fight for her.
And what I think is interesting about this particular situation is the fact that we got a guy who’s struggling clearly, but hasn’t fought for the girl yet because he’s falling into this victim mode of thinking what is best for the girls that he backs up.
And what I guess the thing that I would want to combat anyone who’s listening to this that they have is that anytime someone says that they’re going to do what’s best for them, or being away from you is what’s best for them, they really do mean it in the moment. That’s an important thing that a lot of people don’t quite understand.
My Theory On Self Interest
I’ve been a long proponent of the fact that human beings are self-interested.
So especially when it comes to relationship decisions, they make self-interested decisions.
In other words, they’re going to do what they think is best for them.
So at this point of her life, your ex-girlfriend, Mr. Anonymous, she thinks that being away from you is what’s best for her.
So your overall game plan needs to be, how can I take that preconceived notion and prove it wrong?
And so what I thought I’d like to do is not only tell you how to do that, but also explain a little bit about what she meant when she said that you’re being pessimistic.
And essentially what she meant when she say that she’s changed or something along those lines.
And what’s really interesting is a few weeks ago, I actually wrote this article called What Your Ex Girlfriend Says Versus What She Really Means.
Now. I don’t understand women like I can understand us guys because we’re guys, I’m a guy. I can pretty much understand, hey, this is what a guy is thinking. But women are still sort of a mystery to me. But one thing I’m lucky to have is actually a larger website than Ex Girlfriend Recovery.
So a lot of you coming here and listening to this podcast are probably doing so on my website, exgirlfriendrecovery.com. And what’s interesting is exgirlfriendrecovery.com wasn’t the very first website I created in the relationship space. It was actually a website called exboyfriendrecovery.com, helping women try to get back with their ex-boyfriends.
I think you can see where this is going. But what’s interesting about this is there’s been a lot more women clients that have had than men clients.
And so one thing that we do is anytime we get a coaching client or anyone who buys our program, we let them into this private Facebook support group.
And this private Facebook support group is essentially the people that we view as like, hey, these are the people that are going to try our ideas out.
They’re going to report back to us. And a lot of times people will come to me and they’ll say like, “Hey, the reason I bought your program is you were actually showing real life success stories. I mean, you sat down and interview these people for hours trying to figure out like, hey, what worked for them and what didn’t work for them.” And the reason I can do that is because of our private Facebook support group.
So anyways, a few weeks ago, I got this idea for an article.
So I actually surveyed the men on Ex Girlfriend Recovery and said, “Hey, what are the five biggest questions that you want answered about what your ex girlfriend says? When your ex girlfriend says this, what is it that you want to understand what she really means, or the frame of mind she’s in when she says that thing?”
And the five responses we got were, hey, what does my ex-girlfriend mean when she says that she’s changed? Or what does my ex girlfriend mean when she says that she hates me? Or what does my ex-girlfriend mean when she says it’s too late? Or she says, we should just be friends or she tells you to move on.
And I was not going to tackle that alone because I don’t know. That’s the honest truth. I’m not some soothsayer, like people believe I am, which always kind of bothers me because it’s sort of like, well, I’m a human being too. I make mistakes and I don’t know everything. But what I can do for you is I can show you my data.
So I went anyways to the private Facebook support group and I polled all the women I could find there.
I basically put up a post and said, “Hey, I’m writing an article for my website, Ex Girlfriend Recovery, trying to help men understand what women really mean when they say X, Y, or Z.” And the response we got behind that article or behind that poll was really amazing. We got all sorts of really interesting insights and some of it really shocked me.
And so it’s sort of been my go to article anytime men asked me questions about like, “Hey, my ex-girlfriend said that she’s changed.” And I think that’s kind of the situation that you’re in here, Mr. Anonymous.
The fact that your ex-girlfriend’s says that you’re being too pessimistic and that she gave you all these sort of blanket reasons for why she wants to go through the breakup.
Ultimately the bottom line is she’s saying that she’s changed.
She’s moved past the relationship. And what’s interesting is we asked women in our private Facebook support group. And if you actually go to my website, exgirlfriendrecovery.com and find this episode, just look in the show notes area where I basically transcribed these episodes. I’m actually link you to that article so that you can actually read it. And you can actually see these screenshots that I posted to prove, hey, real women said this, and this is what they said.
And what’s interesting is when you look at when ex-girlfriends say that they’ve changed, that they’ve moved on or they give you some reason, that’s ultimately sort of like amounting to the fact that they’ve changed or their feelings have changed for you, what they mean is usually one of things.
This is what shocked me. So ultimately I was just going to tell people initially like, “Hey, when your ex girlfriend says that she’s changed, it means she’s moved past the relationship or feelings for you have changed. She means it.”
But when we actually polled real life women and asked them, “Hey, when you’ve said this in a relationship, what did you really mean?” women kind of came down in three specific camps, right?
The Three Things Your Ex Girlfriend Could Mean When She Says She’s Changed
The first camp was pretty obvious.
Her feelings have changed for you.
She’s not feeling attracted to you anymore.
So to put it bluntly, the group of women said that it means that when your ex-girlfriend says this to you, her feelings for you really have changed and she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. So obviously that’s not great for you, Mr. Anonymous, especially if you still have strong feelings for her.
But really it was the second patterns that we saw emerge in her polls that shocked me. So pattern number two was she wants you to change your ways before you try again. So basically these women think that not all hope is lost for getting back together. You just need to show her that you’ve changed. And the third pattern was she doesn’t like you that much anymore. So this group of women believe that your ex-girlfriend means she has outgrown your relationship. And as a result, her feelings for you have changed.
So when I hear your ex-girlfriend’s pessimism towards you, it seems to me like she follows either in pattern two, pattern three. My guess is you want to operate on the assumption that it’s pattern two. She wants you to change your ways before you try it again. So that sort of changes the narrative for you in a big way, because in my opinion, your entire goal should be about how can I take her preconceived notions and flip them on their head?
What To Do If Your Ex Girlfriend Says She’s Changed
So let’s use an example using her own words. She thinks you’re pessimistic. So a lot of times when I explained to men like, hey, what you need to do is you need to create this internal paradigm shift for your ex-girlfriend, so that when she thinks of you, she doesn’t associate you with pessimism. She associates you with the opposite of pessimism. Positivity, right? So a lot of times, when I tell that to men, they take it the wrong way and try to directly approach their ex-girlfriend about it. They say, “Okay, you want me to be more positive? Well, whatever I talk to, I’m going to be more positive. I’m going to be happy all the time.” But it’s not enough just to directly talk to your ex-girlfriend about this stuff.
You need to actually indirectly talk to her as well as directly talking to her. So I’m a big believer in sticking to the general game plan most of the time, right? So anonymous here has said that he hasn’t talked to his girlfriend in a month. Well, that’s perfect. He’s already done basically a no contact rule. But when it comes time, what a lot of men especially fail to realize is that the no contact rule, a lot of people only think it’s for getting their ex back or making their ex miss them. But it’s actually so much more deeper than that because it’s also an opportunity for you to change your ex-girlfriend’s perceptions of you. So if she perceives you as this pessimistic sort of a homebody, socially awkward person. One of the best things you can do is actually utilize social media to combat that assumption of you.
So here’s kind of a shocking statistic. We’ve found that close to around 88% of exes will Facebook-stalk after a breakup.
So there’s a pretty high probability, like almost 90% chance that your ex-girlfriend will be paying attention to what you’re posting on Instagram. If you’re a Snapchat person, what Snapchat stories or Instagram stories you’re posting, what you’re posting on Facebook or any other social media platforms that you guys would consistently communicate on. It’s a pretty good guess that she’s going to be watching you. So you need to tell or cultivate the story that you want cultivated so that she looks at you and doesn’t think, “Oh, wow, same old, same old.” She looks at you and think, “Hey, this is different. This is new.”
It’s important that you do that, especially before you get back in touch with her. And a lot of people, a lot of men when I explain this to them, they don’t buy into it. So they nod their heads. They’re like, “Yeah, yeah, I get it, Chris. I get it. I’m totally cool.” And then they disregard everything I say. And then they contact their exes. And they come back to me and said it didn’t work. Well, it didn’t work because this is not the kind of situation where you’re going to get immediate results. This is the kind of thing where it’s a month long process of you cultivating the image and then getting back in touch with her and cultivate the image even further.
And what’s really great at some men who are really, really great at doing this will actually get her friends talking and her friends will tell her. And it’s even more powerful then because there’s a difference between her friends saying like, “Hey, have you seen Brad’s post on so and so, and such and such? It looks like he’s doing some really cool things.” Or like, “Have you seen what he’s doing?” It makes her pay attention more to what you’re doing. And I think maybe that’s what’s missing because if your ex-girlfriend views you as pessimistic, if she views you as being this guy who always sort of shoots down ideas, and I think someone who’s pessimistic is someone who’s like… Maybe she wants to be spontaneous. And you’re kind of like shooting that idea down and you just want to stay in.
Maybe a great way of combating that is to do something wild seriously on social media. Not wild in the fact like, hey, let’s go out and take part in some nutty sort of like cult. I don’t mean it in that way. I mean, it like, hey, let’s say she doesn’t ever view you as taking a big risk. So maybe your big risks could be like, let’s go jet skiing or let’s go on a hot air balloon or let’s go do something kind of like, let’s do something that takes her preconceived notions about you being a home body and kill it. And sometimes the hardest part for men when it comes to this is stepping outside of their comfort zone. A lot of times their comfort zone will say, “No, no, no, no, don’t do that. Don’t do that. Don’t do that.” But you need to step outside of your comfort zone.
I’ll never forget one of the first times that I got featured on a national level was someone wanted to do a piece on me for Fox News, right? And so what was interesting is it frightened the hell out of me. I’m not going to lie to you. I said no. My wife, she came to me and she was like, “Hey, these people, they want us to go on Fox News.” And I said, “I’m not doing that” because I was scared. It was outside of my comfort zone. But after a while, I really just thought and said, “You know what? I needed to take chances. This could be a good opportunity for me to get some national exposure and talk and show people like, yeah, I know what I’m talking about. I am an expert in my area or my field.” And if you want to watch that Fox News thing of me, I’ll just post it in the show notes of the episode so you can actually see what I’m talking about.
But ultimately it took all these steps to get me outside of my comfort zone. And I’m glad that I did it, even though it didn’t really give me great national exposure, to be honest with you. But other than that, my point is, don’t be afraid to take a risk. And a risk is only really a risk if you don’t know what you’re doing. And you know what you’re doing here, at least you have my sort of stamp of approval of, hey, let’s do something to catch your attention.
Now, a lot of times when people listen to these podcasts episodes, they want step by step game plans of like, hey, this is what you do here, here, here, and here. But I’m actually not a fan of giving those because I feel like they’re counterproductive in the fact that he should only… This is really one of the situations where if you’re a huge planner and you’d like to plan ahead from point A to point Z. It doesn’t really work out that way so much. Because I find if you plan a perfect plan, something along the way will go wrong and you will have to start over and reshape your plan continually. So I only like to plan the next step ahead at a time.
And I think right now, your step, shouldn’t be like, hey, let’s start practicing and planning when I should text her. I think before you text her, you should prime the new you so to speak. I’m not saying change your personality or anything like that. But I’m saying combat whatever preconceived notion she has about you. Turn them on their heads so that she doesn’t really view you as the same pessimistic guy that she may have viewed you as in the beginning. Step outside your comfort zone. Your comfort zone is great to have, but this is one of those areas. If you want to win her back, you have to be willing to take a risk. But remember a risk really isn’t a risk if you know what you’re doing, and you know what you’re doing here.