One of my closest friends is absolutely terrified of spiders, all of them. I can’t even SAY the word spider or she flips out. A fear that is commonly taken to the extreme. She doesn’t like them so much that there is a dead spider curled up in the corner of her kitchen and she is afraid to sweep it up.
To me, that’s a little silly. If a snake crawled in her back door she would kill it without hesitation. If someone squared off with her in an argument she’d lob their head off just as quickly.
In every other regard, she seems completely fearless. But, if even the cutest, most adorable cartoon spider pops up on her screen she would absolutely lose it.
You’d think she was in Jumanji and it was more like this with the way she reacts to even the little ones.
And let’s be honest, that scene pretty much wigged us out at least a little. That’s totally understandable. Five-foot spiders should be at least a little bit terrifying, but lines… that vaguely resemble a spider…
This would be her response…
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We’re all afraid of something, and sometimes those things can make almost no sense. I get that.
So why would I tell you this?
There’s a question you’re probably asking yourself right now.
“Why did she push you away?
Well, the answer is simpler than you would expect. I guess I should say answers.
Every reason anyone has for anything can be boiled down to two causes… fear and self-interest.
There really isn’t much else aside from desire.
But, Wait! There’s More
I doubt you are satisfied with that answer. I wouldn’t be.
Simple answers aren’t really comforting because they don’t explain things fully.
So, what reasons would anyone have for cutting someone off in a relationship?
Well, let’s explore the possibilities.
The three questions we will answer are
- What is her motivation? could she possibly be afraid of something?
- What factors contributed to her decision?
- What can you do to increase your chance of getting her back?
I mean, those ARE the questions that are resounding in your head right now, right?
Well, there is something positive about all of this… you’re in the right place for answers.
Question 1: Understanding Motivation and Fear
Everyone is afraid of something. Literally, everyone has something they fear. And there are 5 innate fears that everyone is born with. These 5 fears are the basis for ever single fear than anyone has ever had.
- The first is a fear of not existing. It isn’t just a fear of death, it’s more than that. It’s a fear of being forgotten, of not leaving a legacy.
- The second is a fear of pain or injury. No one likes pain, that includes physical or emotional pain. This is where most fears of animals come from.
- The third is a fear of a loss of independence. Many people are afraid of being controlled by happenings beyond their control. Physically, this extends to claustrophobia, but mentally, it can mean in interactions, romantic relationships or any other kind of relationship.
- The fourth is a fear of abandonment, rejection, and loss of respect. I’m betting right now you can empathize with this on a little bit.
- The last is the fear of a different kind of death, a loss of integrity of self. This can exist in the form of humiliation, shame, or anything else that threatens that sense of self.
Like I said before, every single phobia can be linked back to one of these base fears. Think about it.
Have you ever felt jealous in a relationship? Number 4, fear of being replaced, falls in with the fear of abandonment and rejection.
What about fear of public speaking? That’s fear of screwing up and embarrassing yourself. Number 5, death of the ego.
Fear is also the base emotion of anger. People lash out when they are afraid. Often, this is something that is learned over our lives.
When a child screams or acts out, often it stems from fear of being abandoned. This becomes learned behavior, a habit. Some people never break this habit and end up acting like children even as adults. I’m sure we’ve all had some experience with people like that.
So, the objective here would be figuring out what your exes motivation for cutting you off. Nothing happens without a reason.
My grandmother used to tell me that a lot.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Now, I’m not one for “meant to be,” but… I understand cause and effect.
Question 2: Contributing Factors
People have different reasons for leaving relationships. Some make complete sense. Some make absolutely no sense at all.
I’ve heard so many varying reasons, but there is one resounding fact that you need to know right now. People abandon relationships with people that they still love. Women leave men that they still love. Generally, it all leads back to the two things I mentioned earlier, fear and self-interest.
- Sometimes, women leave men because they feel abandoned within the relationship. You know that moment when you are talking to someone and you know they aren’t really listening? They’re daydreaming or focused on something else. It’s not something that you’re oblivious to. Even if you aren’t certain what they’re focused on, you know that they aren’t present. If you were mentally absent from the relationship, then I assure you she noticed.
- Sometimes, women leave men because they feel unsafe. This always makes me think of the days when women would choose a man based on his ability to protect her and provide for her. But what about when things get turned around and she no longer feels safe just being in the relationship. I’m not saying you threatened her or anything. I’m saying that it’s possible that she no longer felt secure for whatever reason.
- Sometimes, women leave men because they feel that the way the man perceives her has changed. The feel as if they are more of a possession than a partner. In a relationship, there should be a mutual respect for each other. If you started to treat her as if you were her boss, or as if she owed you something for being with you, then it’s likely that she got tired of feeling that way.
- Sometimes, women leave men because he’s become a different person. Time has a way of changing people. When you start a relationship, you start a journey together. Sometimes, one or both of you were off onto your own path and before you realize it, you are in a relationship with someone you don’t even know anymore. We all grow with time. If this was the reason behind your ex cutting things short, then she might have said something like, “I don’t know who you are anymore,” or “we’ve grown apart.”
- Another reason a woman might have for leaving a man is because she feels as if she’s losing what makes her who she is. This is a reflection of number 3, the fear of losing independence. A lot of couples get together and one of them gets a little more invested than the other. They start to let the other’s opinions overshadow their own. They let their partner’s choices alter their own. After they do this for a while, they start to believe that they are their own. They lose who they were.
- Sadly, sometimes women leave because the sex is bad. Oddly enough, this is easily corrected, however very few men ever realize this is an issue. And in my experience, I have met very few women will leave solely for this purpose. It can be superseded by a romantic connection and putting in matched effort. So, if this was the reason, it’s most likely paired with one of the other reason.
- Lack of communication is one of the most common reasons given for leaving a relationship. If you aren’t talking, then you’re basically leading separate lives together. This goes along the same line as reason D. When you lead separate lives you grow apart. You end up having differing goals. She had to choose between staying and giving up her own goals or leaving and rediscovering who she is and what she wants out of life.
- Sometimes, the reason is a lot more obvious. For example, if the way you treat her changes with who you are with then she might start to wonder if you care about her at all or if it’s an act.
There are plenty more reasons. But I bet you honed in on F. I assure you, that every man has been perfecting his “tactics” since he stopped believing girls have cooties. And I assure you that EVERY man has worried that this is the reason behind his partner leaving. I can also assure you that most women will choose a healthy connection and respect over the best sex she ahs ever had always. Out of all of the things I listed… That is possibly the easiest corrected. So don’t worry. Most of them are fixable.
Question 3: What Can You Do?
I realize that, since your ex cut you off, you’ve probably spent a lot of time wondering why. Perhaps you’ve imagined all sorts of reasons why she might have done so. But the thing is, you are dealing with a smattering of the same 5 fears that she was. So, you probably imagined her leaving you because she met someone else or because she doesn’t think you’re good enough.
I’m not saying it’s impossible, but the thing is, most people make their decisions based on how they affect them, and then factor in how they affect other people. The exception to this is a mother and an empath.
Empaths have the capability to not only understand other people’s pain but to feel it themselves. They avoid harming people even if it ends up doing them harm themselves.
So, what you need to do, is understand her position. Leaving someone you care or used to care for is not easy, even for the person doing the leaving. So don’t hold it against her too much. She’s most likely only doing what she thinks is best for her. Just like you have to do what’s best for you.
If you want her back, you have to look outside of how it affects you.
So what are we going to do about it?
Yeah, I said we… because you found your way this far and now, we are here to help you find your footing. So, you have to look past your pain and understand hers in order to do that, but we are here to help you figure that out.
First of all, you need to start No Contact if you haven’t yet. It’s not just about not talking or creating distance. It’s about a hard reset on the relationship. This is your chance to fix things. Take the time during No Contact to fix any issues that you might have had. If you don’t take advantage of the opportunity then you’re odds of recovering your relationship are slim.
So, adhere to the full No Contact period depending on your situation and take the time to make any improvement to your life that you need to make in regard to the way you see her and the way you choose to deal with things.
If you follow the Recovery Program we lay out her on the site and get her back and you haven’t taken measures to improve your life and change your perspective regarding her, then it isn’t likely that you’ll keep her very long. Because clearly there was something in the situation that she wasn’t okay with. Look at it from her perspective and do your best to fix what you can, in the situation and in yourself. Otherwise, there won’t be much incentive to stay.
To read more about No Contact, click here.
Follow the Program as closely as you can and you increase your chances of not only getting her back but giving her a reason to stay.