It is a question that is in the mind of many guys whose girlfriend has dumped them.
They wonder, “should I ask my ex girlfriend’s best friend for some advice”.
Certainly, one may think, “if I can get on the good side of her friend, she can probably help me iron things out.”
Only if it was so easy.
But don’t let me scare you off. Sometimes it is worth the effort to try.
Keeping in contact with your ex girlfriend’s friends, particularly if done so in a not so obvious manner, can give you some much needed insights. Better yet, if you have not done so already, be sure to tap into my Ex Recovery Program so you have a coordinated game plan.
So that is what we are going to explore in this post.
In other words, should you be contacting her best friend? When should you do so? What should you say? And what should you believe if your ex girlfriend friend starts telling you things that your ex is supposedly feeling.
So let’s get started.
Should I Reach Out To My Ex Girlfriend Friends?
This is a great question. So the short answer is yes, no, and maybe.
Yeah, I know, that does not help you a lot.
So let’s drill down into some of the particulars. If you are just starting the No Contact period, it is usually best to avoid your ex’s best friend. It would be too soon to go down that path as there are usually far too many emotions flying around.
The typical NC period is usually about a month or so. So if you are going to do it, just wait awhile. After a week or two, you might want to tap her friend for some input.
Which begs the question, what should you say to your ex’s friend? How should you approach it? Because if you fumble this ball, you may end up hurting your chances.
So you need to be careful. Sometimes you will be so eager to connect with her friend to learn more about her thinking that you will walk into a trap.
What might a ex girlfriend trap look like?
Think of it in terms of turning the table on you. Perhaps you intend to find out something about how she is doing. So you contact her best friend and before you know it you are put on the defense. You may find yourself backpedaling as your ex’s friend might be quizzing you with a lot more expertise than you could ever imagine.
Before you now it, you may have spilled the beans about something you really don’t want your ex to know about.
Your ex girlfriend’s friend may have a vested interest in protecting her and may use the opportunity to shield her from you. This is where you need to learn to be subtle. Asking things directly can boomerang back on you.
Worse, her protective best friend may launch into an all out verbal assault, leaving you feeling worse. She may even possibly bait you to say something ugly which immediately gets translated back to your ex girlfriend as you acting like a jerk.
All of this leads me to the next topic.
What Should I Say To My Ex’s Best Friend?
Learning whether you should talk to your ex’s best friend is just one hurdle. You also have to know what to say and how far on the limb you should crawl.
This is where things can get tricky. But don’t give up on this tactic just because there is some risk. The idea is you read up on how to do it and you will be better prepared to deal with whatever comes your way.
So if you decide to initiate a discussion with your ex’s friend, it might be best that you first build a communication ramp. In other words, don’t just go directly into a communication exchange with her friend. Start off with something that is off topic. Don’t make it obvious. In fact, the first time you reach out, you may not even want to bring up your ex or ask questions about her or say any of the things you are dying to share with her.
Just go it easy. Her friend might open up first about the topic. And if she doesn’t, don’t worry. You can always try again another day.
It is usually better to be open and honest. Her friend is likely up to speed on everything that happened and maybe a few things that are entirely untrue.
So don’t be defensive if some negative stuff comes up. Be humble. Say nothing negative about your ex. Speak in general terms. Say things like you are still working through understanding what really happened. Don’t try to pin blame.
You main goal is to convey that you accept responsibility for the things you did wrong and that you are seriously focused on working on your shortcomings. But leave it a that. Don’t lay it own thick.
Remember, often in these cases, “less is more”. IF you put yourself out there as a person who is not casting blame and willing to learn, then your ex’s friend may open up and tell you some things that might be helpful to know.
Don’t be surprised if she tells you that your ex is really upset and mad at you. Be agreeable. Tell her she has a right be be upset and angry. Tell her you are upset and angry at yourself. I realize things are probably much more complicated than this. I am sure your ex girlfriend shoulders her share of the blame for why and how the relationship broke up.
But this is the time to be humble. Take the high road.
Showing that you are a guy who is dealing with all this in a mature way can take you far. And remember, this entire process can take a while. There are no magic words or sentiments you can express to your ex girlfriend’s friend that will make everything right again.
Why Is My Ex Girlfriend’s Friends Contacting Me After the Breakup
So let’s say one of your ex’s friends are reaching out to you. You may be asking why is she doing this? You will probably be wondering what does she really want? And mostly, you will want to know if you should you even communicate with her.
I think in most cases, it is useful to communicate with them if they initiate contact. Chances are they are fishing around, trying to get a sense of what your are feeling and thinking.
If you are hearing from one of your ex’s friends, then you should probably consider her a surrogate for your ex. If she insists that she is just a neutral observer and that everything you say to her is private and confidential – it probably isn’t true.
Perhaps she may feel that way at the time she chats with you. But if she is really close with your ex, just assume everything you say will get translated back to your ex in some fashion.
If they are clever, they will not come right to the point.
They will talk to you about things around the edges of what they really want to know. For example, your ex might want to know if you have forgotten about her. This is particularly the case if you are employing the No Contact Rule. She may also be interested if you are dating someone else.
So these are some of the things her friend will likely explore. In fact, she may even encourage you to date others or to simply forget about your ex just to see how you will react.
What Do I Say If My Ex’s Friends Texts or Contacts Me First
Another question you probably have is whether you should respond and what you should say if her friend reaches out to you first.
It’s one thing if you initiate the contact. It altogether a different deal if your ex girlfriend’s best friend is reaching out to you. We have a different dynamic going on here and so you need to go into this communication exchange with your eyes wide open.
Though you may be tempted to to lie about things to make her jealous, the wiser course of action is to respond, but not in any real specific way that reveals all of your feelings and motivations. If her friend wants to know whether you are thinking about dating, it’s usually best to simply say that it is far too soon to think about that. So in a way, you are not precisely answering the question, but what you are saying should be well received when it get’s back to your ex.
If your ex’s best friend is trying to get you to commit as to whether you want her back, it may be best to say something like – “She is an amazing person. But us getting back is not solely decided by me. She is wise to take time to reflect on things”. This kind of response reveals something positive, but does not put you in a mode of desperation.
You never want to come off as desperate or someone who is falling apart.
Neither of those behaviors are attractive. They don’t reinforce that you are a person who has value. Rather, if these are the kind of things that gets back to your ex through her friend, they would only make you look weak.
Looking weak is not the path back to your ex girlfriend.