Are you always the one initiating conversation with your ex-girlfriend, and you wish she’d do the same?
Today we’re going to talk about why your ex-girlfriend never initiates contact with you and what you can do to change that.
What I find fascinating about this question is that I talk to women trying to get their ex-boyfriends back all day long and one of their most asked questions is “why doesn’t he reach out to me first?” so we have a situation here where both parties, male and female, want their exes to reach out to them first.
So why aren’t they?
The Three Primary Reasons She Isn’t Reaching Out To You First
In my experience, there are three primary reasons why an ex-girlfriend will not reach out to you first:
- The quality of your previous conversations
- How the previous conversation ended
- A pattern was developed
Let’s dive in and talk about each of these reasons.
Reason #1: The Quality Of Your Previous Conversations
Imagine this – you and your ex-girlfriend are talking back and forth, and you’re both clearly into it.
There’s a bit more depth to the topics you’re talking about, so your ex-girlfriend is definitely engaged in the conversation.
You can tell your ex-girlfriend is enjoying the conversation by looking at her responses, so it makes sense to assume that she would want to continue the conversation another time, right?
Now, let’s compare that to someone who’s not having the best conversations with their ex-girlfriend.
The conversations are either surface level or just negative. If they always have fights and arguments shifting blame for the breakup in a constant “you did this” kind of accusatory tone, the ex-girlfriend is left with a feeling of dread after every conversation and naturally doesn’t want to feel that way again.
No one wants to engage in conversations that leave them feeling worse about themselves or their lives, and your ex-girlfriend is no exception.
So you need to make sure that you’re keeping the topics light and if they get too emotional, do not try to shift the blame on her because that’ll automatically put her in a defensive position.
Another aspect of having “quality conversations” is that as human beings, we have horrible memories, so we almost never remember conversations from 4 or 5 years ago, and only look back on the most recent ones.
So, if your most recent conversation with your girlfriend was fraught with lies, fighting, or arguments or anything that makes her feel bad inside, THAT is what she will remember.
She’ll be asking what you’ve done for her recently as opposed to what you said a few months ago.
This means that one or two good quality conversations in a string of unpleasant ones are not enough to tip the scales in your favor if the latest conversation ended on a bad note.
Reason #2: How Did The Previous Conversation End?
I’m going to explain this point with a very recent real-world example that one of my current female clients at ex-boyfriend recovery faced.
After coaching her one on one, we finally got to the point where she’s talking to her ex on the phone.
She built up all this anticipation about talking to him, and so far, shes had two amazing conversations with him.
The first one went perfectly.
It was about 15 minutes long, and she did exactly what I told her to do – she ended the conversation first.
The second one was really good too, but interestingly enough, he ended the conversation first, and he did it in a really clever way.
So, they were having this ten-minute long conversation, and she was getting really into it because she was building up the conversation to maybe addressing some issues about their relationship.
All of a sudden he says he has to go to work.
She’s obviously disappointed, so she says, “okay,” but he ends the conversation with “don’t worry, you’ll be hearing from me.”
Initially, she was ecstatic because he promised he’d be contacting her first…well it’s been a week now, and there’s no sign of her.
He left her hanging onto his words, and she’s been obsessing over ever since. She has pretty much imagined every worst-case scenario of why he isn’t reaching out, and she is SUPER tempted to break the silence and call him up herself.
Yesterday when I had my phone call with her, we talked about was why he said this and what may have been going on in his mind when he hung up the call that way.
Ultimately I told her that this is the exact thing we ask our clients to do to their exes to end the conversation a bit prematurely on purpose.
Ending a conversation prematurely creates a cliff hanger that makes you want to continue the conversation.
I explained how effective it was because it clearly worked on her by leaving her wanting more.
It can make you want to reach out to him first, and believe me; it’s taking everything I have to get her to wait for him to reach out first.
The lesson learned here is that if you end a conversation, especially a quality one, with a bit of a cliff hanger, it creates anticipation where your ex-girlfriend is going to want to reach out to you first to continue the conversation.
This is also championed by a psychological concept that I often mention called the Zeigarnik effect.
The Zeigarnik effect states that people remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.
Talking on the phone and hanging up before the conversation naturally winds down qualifies as an incomplete task and so it registers more heavily on your ex’s mind.
It’s going to stay at the forefront of their mind and make them feel antsy to see their unfinished conversation all the way through.
The best example is that if you invited me into your house, and instead of closing the door as I walked in, I left it open.
What do you do in that scenario? You will instinctively want to close the door. And what if I don’t let you? What if every time you try to close the door, I distract you and drag you to some other area of your house?
Your thoughts will start racing…the door’s still open… what if bugs come in? What if a robber gets in? Your mind starts going crazy with all the possibilities, and next thing you know, you’re running to close the door because you just can’t help it.
Honestly, even thinking of this example made me paranoid, and I HAD to check if my door was locked, so the suspense of leaving something in an uncertain point, especially at the apex of a conversation, is bound to get your ex to reach out to you first.
Reason #3: A Pattern Was Developed Where She Reached Out First Consistently
One of my favorite pieces of knowledge is something I like to call the Benjamin Franklin effect.
When it comes to dolling out favors, you might think that if you do someone a favor, they’re more likely to do a favor for you. But the Benjamin Franklin effect kind of goes against the grain.
According to the Benjamin Franklin effect, if someone does you a favor, they’re more likely to do you another favor.
Ultimately I think this is just about establishing patterns as a whole.
We, humans, are suckers for routine and patterns, so if you develop a pattern, you’re more likely to continue to stick to that pattern.Let’s say you and your ex-girlfriend have a really high-quality conversation that you end a bit prematurely in a nice way.
Maybe you use the excuse that my client’s ex used on her – “work is calling”. Every single time you have a conversation, even if you’re the one reaching out first, you find yourself ending the conversation first, and that pattern continues.
Until eventually, you don’t reach out first, and your ex-girlfriend’s curiosity gets the best of her, and she reaches out to you. And then it happens again, and again, and again.
Next thing you know, your ex-girlfriend is in the pattern of reaching out to you first.
How Do I Make My Ex Girlfriend Reach Out First?
Too many men have this false belief that there’s some magic phrase or technique that’ll make your girlfriend reach out to you first, but that’s not a thing.
There’s no magic spell, and consistency is the key to having her reach out to you first.
Ultimately if you want her to reach out to you first, you need to achieve the three things I just explained:
- You need to have quality conversations with her
- You need to end the conversation at a high point when it’s getting good.
- You need to establish a pattern where she’s reaching out to you first.
Think of these three as building blocks, so imagine you have a quality conversation with your ex-girlfriend and you end it prematurely, leaving an opening to talk more. This causes her to reach out to you first to finish the conversation.
See where I’m going with this? It’s like dominoes of communication where you are in control.
This works especially great if you’re talking on the phone because the “end” of a conversation is much more pronounced as you literally hang up, and then she reaches out to you again the next day. Next thing you know, she’s always reaching out first, and then she’s the one wondering why you never reach out first.
The truth is – if you want your ex-girlfriend to reach out first and initiate contact, you have to EARN that right. You have to put the work in. This also brings up another question –
Why do women expect men to reach out first?
I’ve dealt with a lot more women than men throughout my career, and all women always obsess about the same thing this post is about – i.e., why doesn’t HE reach out to me first?
This tells us that ultimately the stereotype of courting still exists in our society.
Women do expect men to be the ones to initiate conversations and take the lead. They expect men to put in the extra effort of asking them out on dates or planning things, etc.
So yes, while 2020 has changed a LOT of things, some stereotypes are hard to let go of.
You must keep this in mind because it’s not the end of the world if you cant get your ex-girlfriend to reach out to you first. In my experience, it will always be more important to end the conversation first as opposed to reaching out first.
It’s not that big of a deal if your ex-girlfriend isn’t reaching out to you first, but if you really want her to do so – follow these three steps:
- Have good quality conversations with her
- Prematurely end conversations at their apex, leaving her wanting more
- So she reaches out to you first… until it becomes a pattern.