One of my friends was dating this girl for about two years before they broke up. When they did finally split it was kind of a mutual thing.
The only reasons they broke up was because they had some fundamental ideas about the world that would have made staying together long-term impossible, religion and what they wanted out of the future. They had ignored this fact for two years and finally decided to address the issue and couldn’t get past it. They decided that since they had come to the decision to split together that they could remain friends.
Theoretically, if they only saw each other every now and again, that probably would have worked out. But, they decided to keep spending time together just like they did when they were dating. They basically thought they could just cut out the physical part of their relationship and it’d be reduced back to the friendship they had before they were together.
However, it bothered him to think about her with someone else and he found that he couldn’t handle hearing about her life without letting his mind wander to thoughts about her dating other people. She struggled with similar issues. This left them being careful about what they talked about to each other, making most of their interactions uncomfortable.
In an attempt to bridge the gap created by the uneasiness, they both found themselves doing things trying to establish connections with each other, but they mostly came across as awkward.
He asked me to grab coffee one day because he just couldn’t understand why she was acting so weird. He wanted my insight. And I pointed out that the general weirdness is normal. If you tell me you went through a breakup with no residual awkwardness I don’t believe you. Trying to make it not weird only makes it weirder. He froze and his eyes got really big like I had just tased him. When he finally started talking again he was nodding his head like my mom does in church when the preacher is saying something that hits home. Thinking about it now, it makes me laugh. I took him to relationship church and hit him with some truth. What he said embodies what I hear from a lot of guys that visit this site.
“I expected things to change I just didn’t think they’d change this much. If I’m honest I kind of expected us to end up getting back together, so I didn’t want to let us grow apart.”
It’s not uncommon to think this way. After a breakup, there are a lot of people that expect the connection between them and their ex to remain mostly unchanged. This especially happens if the relationship has lasted long enough to build habits with your partner. If we are being honest, I am completely and totally guilty of this. I like to think that it is simple optimism. But, it’s not really realistic.
But the fact is that a breakup is a massive change in the relationship. There are some things you just can’t do out of a relationship that you did when you were in it. Ask anyone who has tried to remain in touch with an ex right after a breakup. There is hardly ever a clear line drawn where the intimacy ends in a relationship. The guy I’m talking about here said that he found himself fighting the urge to reach out and touch her. That was why he called me to talk about his situation in the first place. They had decided to grab drinks before meeting up with friends and he instinctively reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear for her. They were weird for the rest of the night.
Now, I know you didn’t just come here to hear about my friend’s struggles. So, why did I tell you about it?
Well, I need you to understand that being weird is a totally normal response after a relationship ends, especially if one of you clearly wants to get back together.
Now, I’m not just saying all of this to blow hot air out there into the universe. I mean, her being weird with you is completely normal. In fact, you are probably being weird right back at her and don’t even realize it.
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The question you really want to ask is…
“How do I salvage it? Can I even salvage it at all?”
And the answer is a resounding yes! But only if you are willing to commit to the program completely. That all begins with looking at where you’re at in the process of getting her to fall for you again.
You Haven’t Started No Contact
If you’ve been on the ExRecovery site for more than five minutes, I’m sure you’ve come across the term No Contact. Heck, if you even Google anything that has to do with getting your ex back you know that almost every single expert on the topic suggests some form of No Contact.
Why do you think that is?
It’s because it works!
A lot of guys think that they can get their ex back without doing No Contact our way. We give you actual productive things to do during No Contact that way when you finally get her back you aren’t stuck being Patrick…
I bet you’re wondering why we have a higher success rate. Well, if you aren’t wondering that, you should be. We don’t just hand you this book of guidelines and say “Good luck. Hope that works out for you.” We’ve got your back. We don’t expect you to just figure it out on your own. There are plenty of situations we haven’t even though of yet. But we cover them in our articles as we come across them.
So, ask us questions in the comment! Let us help you! That’s what we’re here for. to help you when you board the struggle-bus. And believe me, No Contact is no cake-walk.
If you were to ask why most people struggle with No Contact, my answer would be that it is hard to put in such a great effort and not see an immediate return. Heck, most people won’t do anything these days without the promise of quick results.
ExGirlfriend Recovery Pro lays out a process that shows you how to choose the correct length of time to spend in No Contact. I believe this is why our Program has such a high success rate. We don’t blanket every single situation with one length of No Contact Period, with the shortest falling around 21 days and the longest at 45 days.
We give you these time limitations for a reason. Because every brain cell you have will be yelling at you that your situation is unique and it doesn’t apply to you.Those brain cells are traitors! They will tell you whatever you want to hear and they will be the reason you fail.
Those brain cells are traitors! They will tell you whatever you want to hear and they will be the reason you fail. They’re addicts. They want Dopamine and Serotonin, the feel good neurotransmitters that increase in your body when you are happy. They encourage you to work against yourself this because they want the small dose of good feeling you get when you interact with her, like some kind of addict who drops the rent money on drugs and doesn’t think about making sure the rent gets paid. Don’t let them derail you. Stick to the timeline laid out for you by us. We know what we’re talking about, I promise.
So, you haven’t started No Contact yet, but you are dealing with awkwardness after the breakup.Start No Contact NOW! It is the first step in the process of getting her back and it is also the hardest. So, like my mom used to tell us when we were kids fighting her demand that we clean our rooms…
First of all, I don’t care how close you and your ex were or how many promises you made to not be weird, weirdness is standard issue with a breakup.Start No Contact NOW! It is the first step in the process of getting her back and it is also the hardest. So, like my mom used to tell us when we were kids fighting her demand that we clean our rooms…
Start No Contact NOW! It is the first step in the process of getting her back and it is also the hardest. So, like my mom used to tell us when we were kids fighting her demand that we clean our rooms…
“The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll be done with it.”
I think a lot of people think that they’re the exception and that they can get by without cutting their ex off for a bit. This is rarely the case and they end up making it even harder to start No Contact and it takes a lot longer to get her back. So, optimally, the earlier you start the better. And be prepared to tell those traitor thoughts in your head “no.”
Making it through No Contact is what makes this all work, but it is by no means the entire process. There is plenty of information available to you for free in the form of articles. Pretty nice of us right?
However, the Program walks you through every step past No Contact.
On top of that, our team is here to answer all of your questions along the way. So we are literally giving you everything you could possibly need to make things go the way you want them to. All you have to bring to the table is your trust and dedication.
So, my advice to you if you are dealing with some awkwardness is to get started on No Contact and then follow that up with the rest of the plan.
You’re in the Middle of No Contact
Now, if you are dealing with awkwardness in the middle of No Contact, for example, if you are in No Contact already but you have a situation where you have to interact with your ex a lot, like at work or something, don’t worry! The dynamic of your relationship has changed with her. It’s completely normal to try and fill the lulls in conversation with rambling. And do you hug when you part ways or shake hands? If you do hug… is a side hug or just a full-on frontal assault? Do you do that awkward thing where you put your butt way out?
It’s completely normal to try and fill the lulls in conversation with rambling. You wouldn’t believe how many guys ask me what to do in this situation because they are feeling the awkwardness. It usually goes something like this…
Oh you help people going through breakups? Hey, maybe you can help me. My Ex and I split up and now things are weird. Every time we interact… (and then it’s followed up with some version of the following)
I’m not sure what to say to her so I end up saying something ridiculous, like telling her what I had for breakfast.
I’m not sure if I should hug her good bye or shake her hand. If I hug her, should it be a side hug? Or do I do that thing where I stick my butt out so I don’t put my junk on her? Or do I just back away slowly and wave?
Is it okay if I ask her if she’s seeing anybody? What do I do if she says yes?
You know what I say to those guys? Stop thinking so much!
No Contact is supposed to be No Contact. But, I get it. There are situations where you might go to school or work with your ex. Some guys are stuck still live with their exes.
Even living in a small town can make it hard not to bump into her from time to time.Take it from someone who has multiple exes in a tiny town, I understand. I really do.
So, let’s talk about how to handle these interactions without being awkward. Because, yes, you are probably being just as awkward as she is. Like I said, it’s totally normal.
I still get texts from a girl I used to work with every time she has to interact with her ex. Let me tell you, THEY were the most awkward people I know when you got them in the same room. So, I told her to keep things short, sweet and to the point.
Short – This is kind of self-explanatory, but for some reason, we all have a little trouble with this one. After a breakup, for those of us that want to reconnect with our exes, we tend to hang on to those interactions for as long as we can make them last. Unfortunately, by holding on so tight, this makes the awkwardness more prevalent the longer it goes on.
There is this one bit of advice that Chris gives that I have found helps more than I ever thought it would. Leave the conversation at a high point. My brain rewrote this in an if/then scenario. If I find myself excited about where a conversation is going, then I will find a reason to cut it short. I’ve used this in more situations than just talking with an ex and it is a miracle, I swear! It totally helps that it gives you the opportunity to plant the seed of hanging out in the future. If you just happened to run into her, you could simply say, “Oh I could talk about this all day! But I really have somewhere I need to be. This was nice, let’s do it again sometime.” It’s short and leaves out any unnecessary information about what could possibly be more important than being there with her. It peaks interest without offending. If you are in a situation where you work or go to school with her, you are surrounded by reasons to cut things short. “I could go on about this forever, but I… really need to get back to work. ….
…really need to get back to work.
…need to discuss a project with Steve while he’s in the office.
…need to grab some food before my next class.
Just be sure to mention how nice it was to see her and that you should do it again sometime. Don’t try to lck in plans or schedule anything. Just say it as if she was anyone who isn’t her. You want her to feel comfortable with you , then you want to avoid any pressure to make things more serious than simply interacting.
Sweet – Stay positive. No Negatives.
Don’t talk about anything that hasn’t gone well. Don’t talk about how much you miss her. If she asks about anything that has gone poorly, just say “It’s a work in progress.” Most importantly, no matter how agitated you get you should strive to stay level-headed, clear, and cordial. This establishes a rapport and, not only reminds her that you of your good side, it makes you seem as if you have begun getting your life together.
If you didn’t know, getting your life together is a big part of getting your ex back. That is what you SHOULD be doing during No Contact.
So, if you want to simplify it, basically I am telling you to fake it till you make it.
To the Point – no unnecessary details. the less information you give the more likely she’ll be intrigued.
Example: She asks, “How’ve you been?” Most people would go into detail about every single thing that has happened since the split. This can be attributed to general nervousness and is a normal knee-jerk reaction. The better way to answer would be to say, “Wonderful. Thanks for asking.” This keeps her from knowing the specifics and seeking them out on her own later.
My friend that I laid this out for still texts me from time to time when she’s nervous about seeing anyone. And it’s not that she’s asking me anything at all. She just shoots me a quick text that says “SS&TTP.” And I’ll text her back, “I can’t wait to hear how it goes.” Knowing that I will check in later helps her remember to keep from rambling and giving him too much info when she runs into him. Sometimes, simply knowing that you’ll have to explain your actions to someone makes you be more mindful in the moment.
After Re-establishing Contact
If your ex is still acting strangely towards you after you after you’ve gone through No Contact and you’ve started to make an effort to reconnect, then there are some moves you can take to make things more comfortable.
- Ask a question that allows for an opinion. Opinions are steeped in emotion, so this brings those into the conversation and helps get them more involved and invested. Just make sure to approach the subject prepared not to be judgmental of her response. The idea here is to get a comfortable back and forth going. For me and my ex, our go to let the other listen to a song and then get feedback on it.
- Address the awkwardness and clear the air. “I’m being awkward. It’s just been so long since we sat and talked like this. Don’t mind me.” This clears the air and also puts the awkwardness on your shoulders, allowing her to relax and not feel like she has to worry about anything.
- Don’t try to make her her comfortable by tiptoeing around her. This will make the conversation seem forced. Instead, bring something to the conversation. Give some thought to the things that the two of you are comfortable talking about, music, movies, art. Stay away from touchy topics like politics, sports, or possibly even your relationship. At the risk of sounding like a total hippie, I will remind you that the idea here is to let her be comfortable talking to you. Create a safe space.
- If it feels like you the conversation is strained, don’t try to fill the air with words. This will result in an over-share or as my friend’s kid calls it, word-vomit. Basically, all the thoughts that come to your mind will spill out and she will feel even more uncomfortable. I think we can agree, the goal here is to avoid that.
- Mirror her actions. You’ll hear a lot of people tell you to mirror only the positive ones, like ignore crossing your arms because it creates an imaginary barrier between the two of you. I mean building walls doesn’t really point toward recreating or furthering a relationship does it. But there’s a trick to this. If she is sitting across from you, you are going to subtly mirror her posture. Like this…
There’s a subliminal manipulation that you can do here. You are going to make small gestures. Itch your nose. Shift to the left or the right. Then go back to mirroring her. Wait a few minutes, then do it again. Once she starts to mirror your movements (without realizing it) you can go a bit further by shifting to a more positive posture. the idea here is to get here to unknowingly open herself up to a more positive mindset.
Of course, that means you’ll have to be able to recognize discomfort. Look at this picture below. What do you see?
Because, here’s what I see.
Folding arms is a way of protecting yourself. We also have a few clear grimaces and even some that are avoiding eye contact. In men covering their genitals is another way of protecting himself.
So, What Have We Learned?
We’ve covered a LOT of information today, recognizing discomfort and how to counteract it at different stages of your process. These tactics don’t just work in situations with exes. They can be used in interviews and interactions with pretty much anyone. I have introvert moments at times and I can’t tell you how useful that mirroring thing has been.
So, give them a try and come back and let me know how they worked for you. And if you have any tactics of your own, let me know in the comments! I can’t wait to hear all of your stories.
Go! Do great things!
How to Make Your Girlfriend Think About You Constantly