Hello, two X chromosomes here!
I’m writing this article to try to give you some insight into the female mind so that you may better understand your ex girlfriend.
Chris has mentioned to me that one of the biggest concerns you gents have over here at Ex Girlfriend Recovery is if your ex girlfriend is going to jump to sleeping with someone else right away.
Which of course makes you go,
I must admit, it’s interesting to learn that is a primary fear, because over at Ex Boyfriend Recovery, the ladies are more concerned about their guy meeting and falling for someone else, and him sleeping with someone else is a secondary concern.
(I think it’s an established stereotype that when men break up with a woman, they rebound pretty quickly, celebrating being single. Or at least, that’s how the rom-coms go).
But what about women?
Are they likely to jump right into the sack with a new guy right away?
I know what I’m like, but I honestly wasn’t sure about the majority of women, so I decided to ask the lovely ladies in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Facebook group about their experiences being the dumpers in a relationship, and how long it took for them to sleep with someone new.
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The results surprised me.
I assumed that when a girl breaks up with a guy, they already have another guy lined up, or go out and rebound right away.
Of the 45 women who answered my poll, not a single one said that they jumped right into sleeping with someone else right away.
Most said they waited a couple months minimum, and more than one mentioned that they are very choosey about who they sleep with.
Women are picky!
I guess it shouldn’t have come as that much of a surprise. We are biologically built to always be seeking a stable, good mate to father our children (sorry if that freaks you out, but it’s true).
Many of the women mentioned that they tend to start dating pretty quickly after breaking up with their guy, but that it was very unlikely that they would sleep with anyone right away. Reasons for waiting ranged from needing time to get over the person or needing time to be on their own, but most of the reasons really just came down to being picky.
So that’s the good news!
Really good news!
Now, what are some of the exceptions?
How do you handle them?
She May Want To Have Fun/Want a Rebound
Not all women are the same, obviously.
Though a lot of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery ladies are picky, that doesn’t mean that all women are. And that’s okay! I’m certainly not here to slut shame anyone – women are just as allowed to express their sexuality as men, and shouldn’t feel guilty for doing so.
As I’ve mentioned above, there is a stereotype in romantic comedies that when a man breaks up with someone, he’s out at the bar the next night, trying to collect as many numbers as possible and get it in left and right. Though my poll results showed that this is less common with women dumpers, there may still be some girls out there who want to embrace their newfound singledom, and find a rebound to bounce back with.
They do say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else – another popular topic in Ex Boyfriend Recovery these days. For the record, the consensus is that it seems it helps some women, but the majority say it hurts more than it helps.
So, she wants a rebound.
Not ideal, sure.
So what do you do?
Well, if she’s a decent person, you hopefully will never find out. What I see over at Ex Boyfriend Recovery is a lot of women who get frustrated when their ex is out flirting and rebounding left and right. It is important to remember that your ex is your ex – that is, they are single and allowed to sleep around if they want to.
If you want to get them back (and if you eventually succeed), you’re going to have to logically remind yourself that they were free to do whatever in that period of time that you were apart. You don’t need to be happy about it, but you need to accept it, and you can’t take it out on her.
You need to begin a new relationship, free of grudges and resentments.
Someone Takes Advantage of Her Sadness/She Wants to Escape Reality
This isn’t a fun exception, but I have seen it happen.
Just because your girlfriend broke up with you does not mean that she is not hurting.
She’s likely still going to talk to her friends about how sad she is, and will still probably eat her weight in ice cream.
She may go out with other guys and seek comfort from them.
And some guys could take advantage of this (actively or passively). It’s not nice, but it does happen. When we’re sad, we want to be comforted. And when someone is comforting us/making us feel safe, positive bonding hormones are released, and, well – sometimes things happen.
Sometimes two people who are hurting come together to feel comfort and escape the harsh reality of their lives.
In season 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Anya, heartbroken over being left at the altar, seeks solace with Spike, who is hurting in his own right after being spurned (yet again) by Buffy. When they are caught and confronted, Anya explains to Xander, “I felt bad and he was just there.”
It’s really that simple.
Again, hopefully you wouldn’t ever find out if this occurs. As much as it may hurt, you can’t hold the events that transpired while you were apart over your girlfriend’s head, should the two of you eventually get back together.
She Has Someone Else Lined Up
I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of this. I broke up with my high school boyfriend because I had another guy who was expressing interest in dating me. To be fair, I had been trying to end my unhealthy relationship for a couple years – it was only when the new guy expressed interest that I finally gathered the strength to end it for good, despite my ex’s pleas.
Cold, I know (if it’s any solace, he was creepy and controlling).
There is a comedian who has a bit – and I cannot for the life of me remember who it is – about how you always can tell who your girlfriend’s next boyfriend is going to be because he’s always hanging around and she’s talking about him a lot.
Funny, and also true, sometimes. Keep an eye out for this. Her talking a lot about another guy is a sign she may be considering him as a replacement for you.
Do girls always have someone else lined up?
No. But sometimes they do. So how do you proceed here? Unlike the first two examples, this isn’t a casual sex thing, so you will likely know about it. In fact, she may intentionally plaster her new relationship all over social media to try and prove to you how great she is doing without you. And I’m so sorry if this is the situation you are in – I know how painful that is.
The best thing you can do is to employ the Being There Method.
Basically, do exactly what the guy was doing when you and your girlfriend were together. Stay involved in their relationship.
Continue to give her constant reminders of why she fell for you in the first place. If you can remain a part of her life, and disrupt the security of their relationship, you’ll have a better chance of getting her back. Plus, since the guy employed the Being There Method himself, he’s not going to be very happy when he sees you using the same strategy.
Which is just a bonus!
She May Meet Someone
Okay, so maybe your ex breaks up with you, and she doesn’t have someone lined up.
But maybe, as time passes, she meets someone.
Heck, I’ve been using the Ex Boyfriend Recovery tools for a number of months now after being dumped, and I finally met someone who is making me question if I want my ex back at all. It’s true that time heals all wounds,
However, it’s not likely that it will happen super quickly, which is why you want to begin implementing the Ex Girlfriend Recovery tools as soon as possible after your breakup. Should you find yourself in this position, you should behave similarly as the advice in the above section – employ the Being There Method, and try to stay involved in her life, and in their relationship.
She Wants to Hurt You/Get Revenge
Probably not the most common reason your ex would sleep with someone else post breakup, but it does happen occasionally.
Maybe you cheated on them.
Maybe you did something that displeased them in some way and they want to teach you a lesson by hurting you as much as you hurt them.
If this is the case, your ex will do everything she can to try and make sure you know about it. She may even intentionally try to sleep with people who she knows will get under your skin. It’s not a pretty picture.
If your ex is doing this, realize that it is likely coming from a place of deep hurt. That won’t make it suck any less for you, but if you know the reason they are lashing out like this is because of something that you initially did, understanding that her acting out is a way to cover up all her hurt may help to ease the pain.
It is possible, of course, that you didn’t do anything, and that there are no reasons why your ex is sleeping with others and intentionally rubbing it in your face. If this is the case, your ex is just a horrible, mean human being, and honestly you dodged a bullet getting out of there when you did.
Her breaking up with you was a gift. Move on to someone who is not as petty and vengeful.
Pursue happiness, always.
Though I spent a lot of time going over the reasons your ex girlfriend might sleep with someone else, remember what I said in the beginning – it’s more unlikely than you think it is.
And I have EBR scientific data (eh, kinda) to back it up!
Ladies tend to be rather picky about who they sleep with, and so it is likely (unless she has someone else lined up) that she won’t be jumping into the sack with another guy right away.
You have time, so start implementing the Ex Girlfriend Recovery tools. Begin No Contact, and focus on becoming the best version of yourself that you can be. You can’t control what your ex girlfriend does, but you can control yourself, and how you react to her actions.
Remain cool and collected, no matter what. Even if your ex sleeps with someone else, that doesn’t mean that her feelings will totally dissipate overnight. It takes time to get over someone – even if you dumped them. And I think that women have a harder time letting go of feelings than men do. Even though I’m not sure I want my ex boyfriend back, that doesn’t mean I don’t love him anymore.
Stop worrying so much about what or who your ex is doing, and start worrying about your own self worth. Focus on you for now.
I know Ex Girlfriend Recovery differs slightly from the Ex Boyfriend Recovery program, but many of the core pillars are the same. For as different as men and women are, we are different in every way. We may not process things the same way, but we feel similarly, and heartbreak sucks for both of the sexes equally.
It remains true, whether your ex is a man or a woman, that the best thing that you can do is to throw yourself into focusing on yourself, 100%.
That is what is going to attract your ex back to you the most, and that is why the No Contact phase of the process is so incredibly important. And if all that work on yourself doesn’t make your ex come running?
Hey, at least now you are a better person for your next partner (a very lucky woman indeed), and more importantly, for yourself.
(This article was written by Willow Rosenberg)