What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExGirlfriend Back?

How Long Should You Ignore Your Ex Girlfriend For?

Hello, Two X Chromosomes here, again.

If you’ve spent any time on this site, you know that one of the staples of the Ex Girlfriend Recovery program is the No Contact period. As a member of the private Facebook group, I can attest to the fact that No Contact WORKS. I’ve seen it happen time and time again.

One of the questions I see come up a lot is “How long should I do No Contact?” The Ex Recovery Program suggests either a 21-day, 30-day, or 45-day No Contact period. So. How long is it appropriate to “ignore” your exgirlfriend?

Some Common Fears

Every day, I see No Contact work its magic, but just as frequently, I see people doubt it.

“I don’t want him to forget about me.”

“I’m afraid he’ll move on”

“How will me not being in his life make him want to be with me again?

(You’ll have to forgive me; the majority of my interactions have been with women on the support group, not men).

These are all common fears to have. Your partner has just ended things with you, so it is your natural inclination to want to hold on tighter, afraid to let go. You figure if you stay on her radar, she’ll realize how much she needs you in her life and will come running back to your open arms.

Rookie mistake.

The key to having your ex miss you is to ignore her. Completely. It will drive her crazy. Women like being chased, so when you cease chasing her, she’s going to get very confused. And then annoyed. And then worried. Why aren’t you texting her incessantly? You’re supposed to be heartbroken and missing her like crazy!

So, today we’re going to talk about how long you should ignore your exgirlfriend for during the No Contact period, depending on your circumstances.

If You Ended the Relationship

Now, even if you were the one to pull the plug on the relationship, you should still employ the No Contact period.

Why? Because you likely hurt your exgirlfriend’s feelings deeply, in addition to wounding her ego. And sure, women take some time to watch inspiring romantic comedies and cry into a pint or two of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, but then they start talking to their friends. They start remembering all of the times that you were a not-so-great boyfriend. And they get angry. Quickly.

You’re going to want to give her some time to cool down.

If you broke up with your ex, the No Contact period is important because it will give her that time to process her feelings about the breakup. And you need that time as well! You need that time to get your head on straight and assess if this relationship is what you really want. The last thing you should do is win your ex back, only to break up with her again a few weeks later. She deserves better than that.

If you broke up with her, I would say that you should do a 21 or a 30 day No Contact period, depending on how ugly the breakup was. If your girlfriend begged or promised things would change, you have a fair shot at getting her back pretty easily, so 21 days may suffice. If you broke up with her, you already have a pretty good shot of getting her back, so the minimal No Contact time should work for both of you to act as a cool down period. Take the 21 days to keep her on her toes and get your head on straight to confirm that a relationship with her is what you really want.

30 days is a pretty standard period of time for run-of-the-mill breakups (though I know your situation feels anything but run-of-the-mill). But if there was some crying, minimal begging, not a whole lot of anger, 30 days should do the trick for you. This period of time allows her to miss you, but not enough time for her to fully get over you. It’s a good, solid period of time.

Now, if you said some really hurtful things during the breakup, or if there was a lot of drama, then I would say consider a 45-day timeframe, though I think those instances are relatively unlikely. That’s pretty much the only instance that I would recommend a 45 day No Contact when you were the one to end the relationship. And in that case, I’d write an apology letter/email before entering No Contact. Don’t be a dick. If you said hurtful things, apologize, but then disappear and give her time to reflect.

If you initiated the breakup, you already have the upper hand and a pretty good shot of getting her back. But please take the No Contact time to assess what you want so you don’t drag this poor girl along on a ride. Take the time to figure out how bad your breakup was on a scale of 1-10. If you feel like it falls between a 1-3, do 21 days. If you feel like it’s between a 4-7, do 30 days. And if it was really bad, and between an 8 and a 10, do 45 days. Realistically, though, if you ended it, the 21 or 30 days should do the trick. Use your own discretion, or reach out to a member of the Ex Recovery Team to get their opinion on your situation.

If She Ended the Relationship

No Contact, No Contact, No Contact! It is one of the things that people continuously credit for getting their ex’s back. Your ex is used to having you in her life. Therefore, she needs to get a taste of how bland her life will be without you in it.
But how long should you ignore her for?

I’d say if she broke up with you, I’d almost always go for 30 days minimum. There are probably rare occasions where you could do the 21 day period, but I think the 30-day and 45-day No Contact periods are probably most effective if she was the one to break up with you.

If the breakup was messy, like if there was yelling, or lots of crying or cheating involved, default to doing 45 days. You both need time to cool off emotionally. But for almost any other situation, 30 days should suffice.
Remember, if you hit the 30-day mark and you feel like you’re not ready or need more time, feel free to extend by a few days. However, it is never a good idea to go over the 45-day mark, and we’ll talk about why a little later.

The Pros of No Contact

Breakups are hard for both parties. So whether she broke up with you, or you broke up with her, you’ll both need some time to come to a more stable place separately. No Contact gives you space from your ex to gain some perspective on the relationship – maybe you’ll come to realize you and your ex weren’t a good match and you won’t want to get her back after all.

No Contact also acts as a great reset period. Emotions run high at the time of a breakup. This period gives your ex time to miss you and all the good things about your relationship, but it also gives you the time to focus on yourself. We let things slide in relationships. We gain weight, stop doing things we were once passionate about, stop going out and having fun with friends. We tend to let our world revolve around out partner, which can be stifling. You want to become the person that your ex fell in love with a long time ago.

In Lover’s Walk, a season 3 episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike comes back to Sunnydale after he was dumped by his vamp girlfriend, Drusilla. After processing a lot of vampire emotions and kicking the butts of some demons, Spike changes his tune from that of sad, depressed vamp to confident and cool:

“I want Dru back, I just gotta be the man I was, the man she loved.”

Of course, then he goes on to say:

“I’m going to do what I should have done in the first place: I’ll find her, wherever she is, tie her up and torture her until she likes me again.”

(Don’t do that…Not without consent, anyway).

There is truth to that. Your ex loved you for a reason. I advise making two lists: One of the things your ex liked about you, and one of the things your ex found annoying or lacking about you. Work on both lists. Show your changes off on social media. This is one of the things you should be doing during No Contact. Tackle both the things your ex liked about you, and the things that she didn’t like so much about you.

When she sees how well you’re doing, it will start to eat at her. She’ll start to question how much she and the relationship meant to you if you were able to bounce back so quickly. She’ll start to see what she let go, and regret will likely start to seep in.

When It’s Time – Try These Clever Text Messages!

No Contact works. It works because when you focus on making yourself the best you can be, it attracts other people. And ultimately, if you’re doing things to better yourself, you can’t go wrong. You’ll be a better person for your ex, or the next girl who comes along. But more importantly, you’ll be a better person for yourself, and that is what counts most of all.

Embrace No Contact. She won’t forget about you, and even if she moves on physically, it is highly unlikely she’ll be able to move on emotionally so quickly. Take the 21, 30, or 45 days to throw yourself into doing things that make you happy.

The 45 Day Mark

People are habit forming. But habits can be broken. This is why the Ex Recovery Program says that you should never go over 45 days. It’s around that time that your ex will start getting used to your absence. You want to hit that sweet spot of time when your ex has forgotten a lot of the negative aspects of the relationship, but where they still miss you. It is during this time that you have the best chance of resetting your relationship and beginning something more positive with her.

It can be scary to reach out, especially if you’re feeling so good after your No Contact period. That is why it is so important to have crafted the perfect First Contact Text. You can read more about that here.

Ignoring Your Ex, An Overview

So you have three options: 21 days, 30 days, or 45 days. Which one you choose will depend on who broke up with who, and how bad the breakup was on a scale of 1-10. However, as mentioned, you should never go over the 45-day mark.

But more important than the length of your No Contact period is how you utilize it. You can’t just sit there waiting for the time to pass. You absolutely have to take action to better yourself. If you stopped working out when you got comfortable in your relationship, do that. If your ex didn’t like that you didn’t cook, take some cooking lessons. If you always wanted to learn how to play the drums, sign up for coaching!

No Contact is what you make it. This time is very valuable – not just for getting your ex back, but also for improving yourself in ways that will make you happier in the long run. Relationships will come and go, over time. At the end of the day, you’ve only got you, which is why you should utilize No Contact to get as comfortable in your own skin as possible. If it attracts your exgirlfriend back, great! If not, though, you’ll be a better person for the next lucky lady, and more importantly, you’ll be happy with yourself.

(Written by Rachel)


Written by EGR team mate

Chris Seiter

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39 thoughts on “How Long Should You Ignore Your Ex Girlfriend For?”

  1. Oliver

    February 10, 2018 at 11:09 am

    we broke of end of october.
    I did the 30 day NC with the contingency that we had to talk about my car she still had back then but i stayed on topic. I reached out to her then, but rushed it to the meet up (basically because LDR and I was just about to get into the same town over christmas and wanted to use the chance)….I mainly got the “I am too busy” stuff…although she said stuff like “maybe we can go to lunch of day xyz” just to be too busy again.
    Actually, we met up one night but it was cause she was drunk and agreed to join our group. Well, I brought her home and she said she wants to see me before I leave….well, her sober mind was too busy again.
    Long story short, I was reaching out since then regularly…most of the time I even got responses, sometimes not. I even made her to call me back once which she didnt have to do….however, she enjoys shoving me some boyfriend into my face (i ignore it)…and i kinda have the feeling she is either polite or just loves the attention…but whenever the conversation is figuratively more than about the weather, she drops out of the conversation.
    I got creative recently and even used the video message thing from the pro book…just to get a 30h delayed response that she couldnt help me here cause our taste in music is too different (I asked her for a new cool playlist)….
    That’s when i thought: fuck it. I always get those luke warm things from her….i read the message, didnt reply, gave my buddy her number and deleted it so i cant stalk it (whatsapp has this last online at tool)….I realized Im getting strung along forever this way….so I decided to use NC on her … not sure about the length, but I read one article that with new partners it should be 14 days?!
    I tried everything to show improvement too and was active…
    Is the new NC a good idea or do you have a better idea?


  2. D

    January 23, 2018 at 2:58 pm

    My ex girlfriend and I of over a year together have been broken up about 2 and half months. Recently we had our biggest and most emotional argument ever so I decide to do No Contact. For 19 days I dont hear anything from her until she suddenly texts me asking a random question about school, “Do you know when I can sign up for the fall semester at the college?” I don’t reply and about 20 minutes later she texts again saying “actually nevermind, sorry to bother you.”

    That night I don’t send anything back but the next day I do. I reply back “It’s okay” in response to her texts the night before. She quickly sends back “okay”. This makes 20 days until I said something.

    How bad was it that I broke No Contact? Do I start over now? And did it mean anything that she said something to me after 19 days?

    1. EGR Team Member: Amor

      February 1, 2018 at 2:38 pm

      Hi D,
      Not so bad but yes, you have to restart nc

  3. Ralph

    January 3, 2018 at 11:36 pm

    Hello EGR crew. My girlfriend of 1 year broke up with me a little over a month ago. Our relationship was fairly stable with only minor disagreements. It was a relatively peaceful breakup as well. No yelling, no screaming, no bad mouthing. She said I was a good boyfriend, but her feelings faded. I told her I wish it wasn’t ending, but I understood her reasons. I asked her to at least think about it. After being encouraged by someone, I reached out days later and told her I was thinking about her. We had a nice little chat and I admitted to missing her. She expressed sympathy. I told her I appreciated the thought and that I would be okay. Under encouragement again, I sent her another message. We talked for a bit. I asked to meet and hang out (we agreed to be friends) and she said she didn’t feel comfortable with that yet. She said we might be able to be friends at some point and stood by the decision to split.

    So my question is, how many days of NC should I do and should it start after the last time I contacted her? My concern is that the breakup has been nearly 45 days already. Did contacting her act as a reset and I need to start NC over? It has been over two weeks since we spoke and I plan on doing at least 30 days. Thinks look bleak, but I still have hope.

    1. EGR Team Member: Amor

      January 12, 2018 at 6:01 pm

      Hi Ralph,
      yes, you need to restart it and yes you can do 30 days.. how active are you in improving yourself and in posting?

  4. Jangeet Singh

    November 28, 2017 at 3:22 am

    Hey Brad,

    I hope you are doing well. I got in touch with you about a year ago about my ex and I. We were in 5+ years relationship and it ended over a year ago in March 2016. My ex ended up pursuing someone else and married them in December 2016 in India.

    Recently, I saw her at a few weddings (3 to be exact). She was there by herself without her husband (who is in India). We even ended up getting seated at a table together which was a little awkward. At the table, I was kind and friendly but I made no conversations with her. But she took notice of me and did acknowledge me at the table in ways where she appeared as though she was still in love with me. In the 5 years we were together, we didn’t have sex. We kept certain boundaries to avoid such intimacy until marriage.

    Anyways, long story short, she called me up around 1 AM and confessed her feelings of missing me and being in love with me, crying desperately over the phone. Before she left to India to see her husband, she called me to say goodbye and that she would always be looking out for me. She mentioned feeling waves of depression and pain with missing me. I have seen her update her social media constantly almost everyday since she has gone to India. She is unaware that I am looking.

    Its been almost 3 weeks since I have had no contact. I have not contacted her except for once where I saw these no caller ID calls on my phone. Before she left to India, she kept in touch with me for 2 weeks every day almost every hour. For me, it was a little rough because I am heading towards the direction of moving on from the relationship. And I found it difficult it to trust what she had to say. But I sensed she was honest; with tears in her eyes, she said that being with me was what she felt like that was what she was meant to do. She broke down emotionally so much it hurt. And she expressed her emotions in honesty. She mentioned also about keeping a check on me about my life through other people’s social media (though I have blocked her) for a year of no contact since recent events.

    I had told her that there is nothing that can be done about the situation despite how either of us feel. Told her that I have forgiven her. She is aware that nothing can be done as she is now married to this guy from India. Before she boarded her flight, she called me from the airport and said goodbye. My questions are:

    1) Will I hear from her ever again if I remain in no contact?
    2) Is her feelings for me gonna go now that she has expressed it to me after suppressing it for so long? Will it move towards her husband in this month that she is away in India? She mentioned feeling waves of depression and pain before she left in how she processes this. She mentioned to miss me so much.

    What are your thoughts?

    Thank you.

    1. Jangeet Singh

      November 28, 2017 at 3:23 am

      Sorry, not Brad – but Chris. My apologies bro. I am sure you know Brad. Bugged him about this too lol.

    2. EGR Team Member: Amor

      November 29, 2017 at 5:22 pm


      Frankly, it doesn’t matter anymore of she’s not planning to divorce her husband.. You should just keep on moving on

  5. Ancheet

    November 14, 2017 at 1:40 pm

    I’m on my 18th day of no contact
    Still haven’t heard from her
    Still completely blocked
    I have been gyming and improving myself and posting
    She joined Snapchat recently
    What does that mean?
    And I’m not on Snapchat
    So should I join?

    1. EGR Team Member: Amor

      November 17, 2017 at 3:24 pm

      That’s ok if she doesn’t as long as you continue doing what you’re doing. You can join it but don’t stop posting in sites where your posts just stay there unless you remove them..

  6. Dave

    November 8, 2017 at 8:52 am


    My wife and i are separated, I ended our relationship my wife has been calling and being rude to me, i can understand her feelings and how she must be feeling at the moment. We have been texting since our split over 3 weeks ago, because things started heating up we both texted each other 3 days ago at the same time to refrain from contact or police will be envolved. After we both sent those texts to each other i changed my telephone number, Clearly we are both upset but yesterday i got this email from her:

    Hi I’m not sure if you got my msg I was asking if it would be possible to see Loui for the last time before the house is sold. (Loui is our dog)

    I personally think this email is an excuse to try and keep contact – what should i do? I dont want to loose her for good but we both need that important time out.

    1. EGR Team Member: Amor

      November 8, 2017 at 11:54 pm

      Hi Dave,

      it’s ok to respond to that, as long as you only talk about that, and it would be better to have someone else guard the dog when she comes to see him.

    2. Dave

      November 9, 2017 at 8:44 am

      I want to work on our relationship with the hope things will improve and hopefully we will get back together sometime later on. I assume the no contact is not the best choice in this situation? I havent responded to her email as i was starting the no contact.

    3. EGR Team Member: Amor

      November 14, 2017 at 5:18 pm

      Yep, it is..

    4. Dave

      November 14, 2017 at 10:34 pm

      Ahh, damm i replied to one of her emails last night as she told me she was going out to the house before it was sold, this time there was no mention of the dog.

      Okay, should i reset the NC and start again or just continue with existing one?

    5. EGR Team Member: Amor

      November 17, 2017 at 3:31 pm

      What was your reply?

    6. Dave

      November 17, 2017 at 4:42 pm

      Well, she started the blame game and who was at fault for our marriage break down, pointing the finger at me on everything. I became defensive and asked her to refrain from contacting me. She said should wouldnt contact me ever again, as i know her well i know she will and stated this in the email. As we are filling for divorce at present things are extremely tender on both sides. I feel my wifes requests via her solicitor are extreme and that shes asking me to clear of all of her debt, debt that was created on her clothing shopping sprees, binge drinking with her friends and holidays back to her home country without me and other complusive buys.

      I sent an email again 2 days ago asking her to not contact me because i feel betrayed and taken advantage of. Since the 1st email I sent, I have not recieved a reply (can’t blame her really). I know shes is hurting badly at the moment as she never expected me to file for divorce but having 4 years of threats of divorce from her became too much for me to handle (the first time she threatened divorce was on the day of our marriage 4 hours after saying our vowles). I did say to her in the email that she cant see the dog, on the day when she said she would go out to the house she never went (this was the 2nd email she sent not the 1st asking to see the dog)

      I find at the moment we are both very tender and anything at the momemt can spark exagerative and defensive responses from both sides.

    7. Dave

      November 23, 2017 at 10:40 pm

      I know this is a complete change of direction and i really appreciate your time in helping me but i have decided to have zero contact with my ex from now on and i after a great amount of thought have decided to move on with my life without my ex.

      I really appreciate your time and help. I wish everyone on here the best.

    8. EGR Team Member: Amor

      November 25, 2017 at 4:30 am

      We understand.. We hope the best d
      for you..

  7. Ancheet

    November 3, 2017 at 7:20 am

    I was desperately contacting her every few days via friends or email before I initiated no contact
    I managed to really bug her
    I did this for about a month and now im under thr impression she has broken the habit pf talking to me, plus I can’t meet her since its an ldr
    Should I maintain an NC for 45 days or less?
    What if she never contacts me ( since im completely blocked?

    1. Ancheet

      November 3, 2017 at 7:31 am

      I meant that I bugged her for a month
      I initiated NC just 3 days back

    2. Ancheet

      November 3, 2017 at 7:34 am

      I meant that I bugged her for a bit over 30 days
      I initiated NC just 3 days back
      We dated for 2 years
      I hope she still misses me despite clearly telling me she doesn’t and showing a lot of hate and lack of care towards me after me annoying her so much

    3. EGR Team Member: Amor

      November 3, 2017 at 2:11 pm

      That’s why you need to make the most of your nc and to keep improving yourself and being active in posting even after it while slowly building rapport.. You can do 45 days

  8. Jacob

    October 30, 2017 at 6:42 am

    I almost got to 45 days of NC. Starting to feel better, lost some weight. She blocked me totally in the mean time after I started hanging out with our mutual friends (My gut says it’s a jealousy). I also think she is pursuing another guy, which promoted by her parents (Her parents make us broke up). Should I break the NC after 45 days? By text or accidental meeting? Or should I just wait after 45 days of NC ended.

    1. EGR Team Member: Amor

      November 2, 2017 at 3:54 am

      Hi Jacob,
      Finish nc and initiate contact after

  9. Matt

    October 17, 2017 at 7:05 am

    So I got into trouble because of my drinking addiction last year, which caused me to be away from my ex for 40 days. The incident happened a year ago, just got home a week ago and I haven’t drank anything since that day, completed therapy and have been doing really well. Before I had to go away, we were engaged for 7 months, and just took our save the date photos. We had all the venue, photographer picked out and we were having a really strong relationship it seemed like, planning for our wedding which is in May(was suppose to be). The day I got home, she said she didn’t want to get married and wanted to break up. She said that she was having a really hard time at first when I was gone, but she started to like being alone. And she said that I deserve someone to be there by my side, and also she said that she is afraid of me getting into trouble again down the road. So there were many things that she listed for why she wanted to break up. We lived together, had bank account and phones together, although she recently took her phone off our plan this past weekend. She still has most of her things at my house too, as we were living together for almost two years. I told her I would give her space, it has only been 7 days since I last talked to her. I just do not know what to do if she wants to come over to get her things as I started the NC. I never got the chance to really talk to her that day either, she was only over for maybe 20 mins then she left with a bunch of her clothes. Any advice?

    1. EGR Team Member: Amor

      November 1, 2017 at 11:06 pm

      Hi Matt,
      It’s on to meet and talk about exchanging things during nc as long as it’s only about that

  10. Mark

    October 12, 2017 at 9:18 pm

    Are breakup has been slow over the last month and we were talking in that time. I was trying to win her back in that time to. now I want to start the no contact rule but I do’nt know how long even though we’ve been broke up for a month allready.

    1. EGR Team Member: Amor

      October 14, 2017 at 6:27 pm

      Hi Mark,

      How long was your relationship? Why did you break up? And you have to open fb or instagram, so you can start being active..

  11. Mark

    September 11, 2017 at 9:47 pm

    I really need an answer:
    What if the breakup went “slow”? So she got used to talking less and less to me, because she was in another country, until she broke up and we didn’t speak at all. After 1 month I again did the same mistakes, but if I would go to no contact, she wouldn’t care because she is used to it. But if I keep talking to her, it will annoy her, even though she acts friendly towards me, I know she’d be annoyed. And we never did the full strict no contact. What should I do??

    1. EGR Team Member: Amor

      September 12, 2017 at 8:51 pm

      Hi Mark,

      would you rather make everything stay the same or take charge and change?

  12. Josh

    September 8, 2017 at 2:48 pm

    I met her online we talked for 30 days prior to meeting. We went on dates 4 different days, all amazing. She really like me, and was “excited about us”. Within one day she said I was too intense and didn’t think she could continue. From the beginning she told me she had commitment issues. Haven’t spoke or text for 2 days after she broke it off, I told her it was ok. Does this require 30 days to try again or can I start off with a contact text after a couple weeks?

    1. EGR Team Member: Amor

      September 12, 2017 at 7:06 pm

      Hi Josh,

      You can try just two weeks

  13. Kris

    August 25, 2017 at 6:00 am

    Hi, so it’s been about 5 months since my ex broke it off with me. We went out for about 4 years before she decided to break it off. I still have feelings for her and I’ve been wanting to talk to her again. I recently noticed that she’s been posting very sad quotes to hint that it’s been rough for her and I know it’s directed towards me. From her posts on social media, I can tell that she misses me and still thinks of me. How do I reach out to her now that I know she’s still thinking about me?

    1. EGR Team Member: Amor

      August 26, 2017 at 1:12 pm

  14. Ryan

    August 22, 2017 at 5:35 am


    So my break up was pretty ugly and I said some hurtful things so i decided to do the 45 day NC which i’m almost done with now. My question is I never apologized I thought about it 2 weeks in but I thought it was too late by then and that I was I still recovering emotionally. Will this hurt my chances? Should I try to apologize in my first contact or should I do that later when I’ve built rapport?

    1. EGR Team Member: Amor

      August 24, 2017 at 6:55 pm

      you can but just make it casual and in include a different topic to talk about in the same message.

  15. Nate

    August 19, 2017 at 11:21 pm

    So my little brother has to go to hospital with a big cut on his head. My ex asked if he is okay and all that. I’m a week into NC but do I give a short reply then continue or still keep doing NC.

    1. EGR Team Member: Amor

      August 24, 2017 at 6:52 pm

      HI Nate,

      continue with nc.