“I never loved you.”
Hearing those words could kill just about anyone. It’s particularly harsher to hear it from someone we love, someone that we thought loved us. And you probably thought of her when you read this, didn’t you? Your ex. Of course, you did. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this article.
So now that I caught you, you’re probably thinking,
“Well, what am I supposed to do now then? She never loved me? What can I do?”
Well, let me tell you something, buddy. It ain’t over until the ex-lady sings. And the lady ain’t exactly singing – she just said she doesn’t love you. As much as those words hurt, it doesn’t necessarily spell out the end.
“How?” you might be asking yourself?
Think about it: Does she mean it?
Most of the time, no, she doesn’t.
“How can that be? She said it herself?”
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True, but also think about what motivated her to say that? Don’t fear that your work and effort have gone to waste because your ex probably said she “doesn’t love you” for a number of reasons. There are a plethora of reasons. Here are a few I thought of:
- She’s mirroring you
- She’s saying it before you can
- She’s scorned by relationships before you
- She’s just mad
If she means it and you have some evidence of that, I’ll tap into that as well. This is definitely something I want to discuss with you. So fear not, guys! The end is not necessarily near. But before we jump into that, let’s go back to the reasons why your ex-girlfriend might not necessarily mean it when she says “I never loved you.”
SHE’S MAD AT YOU, BRO
Let me tackle this with the last reason I gave because it’s the easiest to explain. She’s mad at you, bro. You’re probably reading this and going,
“Huh? What do you mean? Is she mad? At me?”
“Why would she be mad at me if I’m trying to get her back?”
Well, simple: She’s mad about the breakup. Or the events that caused the breakup. Or maybe even your behavior after the breakup.
Look, I’m not trying to pin the blame on you, but your ex isn’t going to point the finger at herself when asked why she’s mad at you. She’s going to automatically blame you. So the angrier she is, the more malice she’s gonna put so in the “I never loved you.” Hell, it might as well be “I hate you.”
Reflect on what got her that upset in the first place, then try to figure out how you would diffuse the situation. Of course, throwing the same words back to her won’t work. Neither will be mirroring her in this situation. If she’s rational and levelheaded, you two can hopefully work things out.
Have you ever thrown these exact words (“I never loved you”, in case you forgot) at your ex before? Maybe right before the breakup, especially if she initiated it? If you have, chances are that with the time that has passed between the end of your relationship and now, those four words have seeped into your ex’s mind and have made her believe it every day.
Until now. When you’re working your way back to her. Then she says it – throwing back the words you’ve said to her – verbatim or not.
She’s probably mirroring your exact behavior because she doesn’t want to look as vulnerable or put her in the position to make her the heartbroken again. No one likes to be or look weak, everyone knows that. Especially in the battlefield that is love and romance, we all have to suit up and be strong.
I know if my ex told me he never loved me, then came back into my life expecting me back, I’d hit him with the same lines I heard during our breakup. Why would I play this game? Simple: I don’t want to get hurt. Again. This is a form of protecting herself, much like the next example I have.
SAYING IT BEFORE YOU DO
Remember that South Park episode where Butters was a villain called “Professor Chaos” and he was obsessed with doing these elaborate pranks and evil plans to throw off the unsuspecting citizens of South Park? Then, his sidekick, General Disarray thwarts all those evil plans with one simple line: “Simpsons did it!”
How does this relate besides being the comic relief in this article? Well, your girlfriend is basically The Simpsons, you’re Professor Chaos, and your conscience is General Disarray telling you, “Simpsons did it!”
See, when your ex says “I never loved you” before you can, she is just protecting herself. Just like the mirroring technique, your ex is doing to make sure she doesn’t get hurt in the long run. Telling you she never had feelings for you is a way for her to deflect and beat you to the punch.
You see, she can’t get hurt again if she puts her guard up. To her, this is just a precaution, just in case things don’t work out between you two again. That way, she gets it in her head.
“I never loved him…I never loved him…I never loved him…”
So that when the fallout that she thinks is inevitable happens, she can repeat the mantra to herself out loud:
“At least I said I never loved him.”
IT’S NOT YOU…IT’S THE ONE BEFORE YOU
Personal story time: My ex-boyfriend broke up with me, saying his feelings changed. Now, I know this isn’t the same as being told you were never loved, but hear me out. He told me he his feelings changed, and though I may be wrong, my theory is that he fed me this line because an ex fed it to him before. So now it’s his default breakup line, his version of
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
This could be the case for your ex. She might have used this line on or heard it from a previous boyfriend and implemented it on you because it’s been proven to work. For her to use this as her weapon allows her to have the upper hand again and prepare her for a fallout, if there is one. Assuming your breakup was the first you both had (some couples do have multiple breakups), she is just watching out for herself and making sure she doesn’t go through that all over again.
Whatever reason your ex may have to tell you she doesn’t love you, if you know she doesn’t mean it, the next step is to try and gain her trust back. If she tells you that she never loved you, chances are she is still hurt and is taking every text you send her with a grain of salt. Her walls are up high – and it’s not just with you. It’s with every guy she’ll meet, too.
So what you’re going to have to do is go back to Square One with her, in terms of gaining her trust. Re-establish a friendship with her first, lay down the groundwork like you did before. If she’s worth it (and she most likely is since you’re here reading this), then the wait will be so worth it. She’ll appreciate the patience you’re giving her, plus the added consideration of her feelings and her confusion.
It will take a lot of patience because most women just don’t go running back into arms that have hurt them before. Slowly, with every conversation you have, it will strengthen her trust in you and she’ll eventually take down her wall, brick by brick.
Even if you’ve been on friendly terms since the end of the breakup, tread lightly around her. She may be fine, but that could also be another front for her. Take your time in this case, too, because she’s going to want those wounds to heal before she even considers opening them up again.
The key thing here is honesty, consideration, and patience. They’re all necessary things to keep in mind to gain her trust back.
OKAY, SHE MEANS IT. WHAT NEXT?
Okay, so your ex actually means she didn’t love you. Is that the end? You may think that unless you’re a hopeless romantic like me. Look, sometimes an ex is too legit to quit, even when they say they’ve never loved you. Chances are, your ex did love you, but now she doesn’t. She could mean it that way. That doesn’t necessarily mean her heart can’t change back, though.
I look at it this way: She didn’t know you before your relationship began, so obviously she didn’t love you then. You, in turn, didn’t love her either from the start, right? But with time and getting to know each other, your feelings changed and the relationship was born. Now, she’s telling you she never loved you to push you out of her system, out of her life. Don’t give up hope and let that stop you.
You may think it’s foolish, but if you also think it’s worth it, you should fight for her. But not in a super creepy, obsessive way. Try to do it the Ex-Girlfriend Recovery way:
Implement the No Contact Rule so that she misses you
Send her an amazing first text after NC
Build a rapport between the two of you
You see, while every woman thinks a hopeless romantic is charming when he goes hard, it’s just borderline creepy. So, give her space first. Then, when you’re ready, send that text to her, reach out and help that relationship bounce back to what it was before.
Usually, the chances of her coming around are higher when she’s amicable with you, post-breakup. If that is the case for you, then it shouldn’t take too long or be too hard for her to come around. Things should work out for you. Not to say that it will be easy, because like I said before, she’s gonna need time to bring her guard down.
If tensions are high between you guys and there’s some residual anger that cannot be fixed, then it’s best to give her a lot of space, go on an indefinite No Contact period, and let things blow over. If and when she comes around, you can build your rapport from there and hopefully repair the relationship.
BUT…BUT…WHAT IF SHE’S REALLY MEAN?
For the mean-spirited ex, you might have to go with your gut and just let that woman go. I know it’s not ideal, but it’s probably for the best. Her “I never loved you” is probably true and there’s little you can do to turn it back. But I want to reassure you that in this case, it’s not you, in this case, it’s her.
Whatever motivated her to say that – cheating, the breakup, how she’s living her life now, a new man in her life – it’s something that she would have to and want to change herself. I’ve learned the hard way that I can’t convince someone to love me, and it’s exhausting too. It’s also exhausting to make him realize that I love him, so he should give me a chance. While I’m a hopeless romantic, I also know when to throw in the towel. And the appropriate time to do that is when the wall just won’t come crashing down. And this just might be one of those times.
Just remember that women aren’t as weak-minded as one would think in relationships. Especially if a woman has been hurt before, there is a chance she is going to come back stronger and tougher. I mean, y’all must’ve seen how Beyonce acted when Jay-Z allegedly cheated on her! She didn’t bring her guard down just to get hurt again. She learns from the pain.
Just like that, so did your ex-girlfriend. She learned from the pain, but she ain’t no Beyonce. So, instead of writing, producing, and dropping a best-selling album available only online, all she can do is tell you an empty “I never loved you”, among other things. Her words, more than likely, hold no value to them because she’s hurt and needs to protect herself.
“I never loved you” is not a final death sentence, unless there is just no give. When there is a give, an “I never loved you” can be turned around. It will just take a lot of time, a helluva lot of effort, and perseverance.