Hey guys…I have an interesting one for you today!
I suggest you dive into this post, because there is a better than average chance you might just find yourself in the situation in which you hear from your ex-girlfriend and she tells you she wants to “hang out”.
So what the heck does that mean, anyway?
I promise we will get into that.
I just want you to understand something.
If this ever happens to you, it could get a little weird.
For starters, you are going to have a ton of thoughts running through your mind as soon as you hear those words, “hang out”
But let’s make something clear just to make sure there is no misunderstanding.
You see, when it comes to the wild and crazy world of ex-girlfriend break-ups, there are tons of special situations they can crop up.
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It is confusing enough when you are grappling with your feelings over the whole ex gf break up mess. So I don’t want to compound things more.
So, let me start by telling you what this post is NOT about!
We are not talking about your ex girlfriend hanging out with an old flame.
No, that is not what this is about.
Though, that is a special situation that I should get into because it does happen and when you find out about it, it can tear a hole right through your heart.
Look, I am sorry to digress and I promise that we will get into the “ex girlfriend wants to hang out” situation, but let me tell you something quickly, just in case you ever have to deal with this “old flame” matter.
If you should ever encounter a situation in which your Ex “hangs” with an old flame, just know that the vast majority of these “old flames” are appropriately named.
They flamed out once and guess what?
They will likely flame out again.
So, if your ex girlfriend is reportedly hanging out with an old boyfriend, I want you to realize that your odds just improved.
In time, she will discover that spending time with her old flame is not anywhere as fulfilling as the great times she had with you, before the break up.
Ok… so let’s get back on topic.
And by the way, I am really sorry for getting off track.
You see, every day, I coach and consult with a lot of guys and I see a bunch of different situations.
And when I latch onto something that is relevant and could prove helpful, even if it is somewhat off topic, I like to get it out there for you to think about.
Oops…I did it again!
Ok…. ready, set, go!
So, let’s dissect this special “hang out” situation and the best way of doing that is to break it down into its key parts:
Hence, in reading this post you will learn about:
- What are the Circumstances in Which the “Hanging Out” Situation Happened
- Why Does my Ex Want To Hang Around With Me?
- What Does It Mean When She Says “Let’s Hang Out”?
- What is the Upside and Downside of Hanging With Your Former Girlfriend?
- What Should be Your Game Plan for This Special Situation?
Before We Begin I Need To Tell You Something Important
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What are the Circumstances That Brought This About?
Ok now, if this just happened or is happening now, I want you to slow down and try not to get too excited.
There are several ways this Hanging Out situation could have evolved.
If you are going to survive in this post relationship period, you better learn all about what might have brought on this development.
Let me just say, that whatever the catalyst, it could be good…it could be bad….it could be neutral.
Ok…. I forgot one. It could be ugly…really ugly.
So my mission is to help you become wiser in the ways in which your ex-girlfriend could be thinking.
And trust me Kemosabe….
you don’t want to walk into the arena completely blind to what your ex girlfriend may have in store for you.
Let me go over a few of these.
My Ex Girlfriend Must Have Amnesia!
I have seen a lot of cases where the ex-girlfriend triggers a break up, then after a few weeks you hear back from her.
It could be an email, text, or phone call that you receive from her, but suddenly the break up seems to have mysteriously healed.
She may exhibit an attitude that everything is just fine.
She might act like nothing ever happened…..like the whole break up thing was a mirage….a dream (i.e. or nightmare for you).
One day you are feeling down and out without any hope of ever seeing your ex girlfriend again.
Then the next day you get a text out of the blue in which she seems bubbly and chipper and wants to just “hang out”, like nothing is absolutely wrong.
It can be one of the most perplexing encounters you will experience with your ex girlfriend.
But in reality, this type of reaction from women is not uncommon.
All of us wake up every day and delude ourselves about something.
I know…. I hate to admit it too. But it is true.
Now I would agree if your ex gf is acting this way, she indeed is acting upon a pretty big delusion.
But sometimes, it is far easier for her to emotionally pretend or delude herself, then to face the real music.
That is one way this “Hanging Out” situation can gain life.
The Relationship Gods Have Intervened!
Another scenario I have seen played out is where you unexpectedly run into your ex girlfriend someplace.
It could be anywhere.
It is like the Relationship Gods just threw the two of you together, just like it was meant to be.
You might be smack in the middle of the No Contact Period, still trying to pick up the pieces of your failed relationship.
Perhaps you decide to go to Walmart or someplace to pick up an item and “BOOM”, there she is!
Your ex-girlfriend is standing in line to buy something.
She sees you and comes over to strike a conversation.
And before you know it, she is inviting you to a friend’s party and wants you to come along to hang out.
On one hand, you might be thinking, “the heavens have opened up and I am the luckiest man in the world”.
But then this other thought starts sneaking into your brain.
You may start wondering if you should break off the No Contact Period to spend time with her.
I had a client in which this sort of thing happened.
In his case, it had only been two weeks since he and his girlfriend had gone through a horrible break up.
She had told him it was “completely over” and that she needed to to “break away”.
He was shopping at the mall when he ran into his former girlfriend and he described it as one of the most bewildering experiences he ever had.
She came upon him, accompanied with her best friend, and when she saw him, she made a beeline straight to him.
He explained that at first, he thought she was going to slap him or hurl a few choice insults.
But she treated him like gold.
It was as if they had never fought. He was prepared to be treated like he had the plague, but he explained that she seemed thrilled to see him.
You can imagine his confusion when she later invited him to spend the rest of the day with her (and her friend).
So weird stuff can happen!
But to be clear, god has nothing to do with it.
Not unless you count the God of Randomness.
Just because you and your ex run into each other, does not mean it was meant to be.
We will discuss later how you might handle such a situation.
Anyway, let’s get back to my client who ran into his ex at the Mall.
He said he felt like he was in one of those movies, like “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”.
It seemed that his ex-girlfriend was an entirely different person and that none of the recent troubles that created the break up, even seemed to matter.
Yep…sometimes you don’t no whether you should count your lucky stars that you stumbled into your ex girlfriend or run for cover in case it is some kind of trick.
I Will If You Will
Then there is the situation where somehow the two of you are texting each other and the topic of “just hanging out together” surfaces.
It could have come up very innocently or it may have been an accidental slip of the tongue.
Maybe it was a Freudian slip.
Whatever caused the raising of the topic, your ex girlfriend may push it out there in a very subtle, non-committal way.
It may come off as if she is testing the waters.
But in this case, since she is not advocating the idea forcefully, she throws out the notion with a caveat.
It could be something like, “hey, if you want to (“hang out”), I wouldn’t mind.”
Your ex girlfriend might shrug it off as not being that big a deal as she tries to downplay the idea, while at the same time gently exploring it with you.
Trust me Dude…no matter how nonchalant she puts it out there, she probably really wants to be with you.
This could be a good thing. We will discuss this more later.
Let Just Try It To See If We Like It
Then we have the “hanging together” suggestion which your ex girlfriend will advance under the pretense that it might be a good idea or it could be a bad idea, but let’s give it a try to see if it works.
In your mind, you may be wondering whether she is really serious about the idea because the suggestion is usually veiled in language that causes you to question just how motivated she is about the idea.
Just the very way it is proposed could make you hesitant to risk the emotional investment of just “trying things out”.
It is like a limp warm rag.
On one hand, you may be secretly relieved that she wants to spend some time with you.
So you may in some ways, start warming up to the idea.
But since it is presented to you in a “qualified” manner, you may also be flooded with anxiety as to whether this “experiment” will work.
Your Ex Girlfriend is Testing You
Sometimes you may find yourself in a situation in which your ex girlfriend is suggesting that the two of you hang out, but what she actually has in mind is to put things to a test.
When you learn of her willingness to “hang”, it usually is not a case in which she has bad intentions.
It is much more likely she is trying to get in touch with her feelings.
She may also be trying to gauge your feelings about the relationship going forward.
Usually, it is both.
It is not unusual for your ex gf to internalize her feelings to such an extent that she can get confused about what she really wants.
You see, the thoughts your ex girlfriend may be having can ping pong all over the place.
Hence, it could be a case where your ex is looking for additional input to reconcile two competing thoughts.
One part of her could be leaning toward the notion that it would be a mistake to get back with you.
Another part of her psyche could be concerned about “losing you forever”.
So, your girlfriend could be waging an emotional showdown within herself.
Think of it as the ultimate internal lover’s battle.
How is this battle resolved?
Well, she has to test her hypothesis about getting back together with you.
So bingo…we have the genesis of how this all came down.
Your Ex Girlfriend is Bored and Lonely
In coaching couples who have experienced a serious falling out, I see all kinds of post breakup reactions.
I once had a client’s whose ex was so bored from the relentless days of No Contact that she just couldn’t help herself and actually went over to his place and knocked on his window.
Then she texted him saying, “hey, I am outside, let’s just goof around”.
Boredom can slowly act on your ex’s recovery defenses as time goes by.
Breaking up with a person usually causes a flood of emotions in the beginning.
The worst of these emotions are usually anger and resentment.
But after some time, the anger subsides and loneliness sets in.
You see, before things turned sour, you and your ex may have done practically everything together.
When that is taken away, it can be a big adjustment.
So you have to consider the possibility that an invitation from your ex to hang with you may very well be your ex gf trying to fill the void.
She Wants Sex
Sometimes, your ex’s motivation to be with you is strictly for sex.
I know sounds far fetched if you have never been in this situation, but I have seen this happen numerous times with clients.
A guy break ups with his girlfriend and then completely to his astonishment, the former girlfriend finds a way into his bedroom.
I have seen lot of guys who just melted when that opportunity presented itself and figured that all was forgiven and things were getting back on track.
Then later, after the act, they would tell me how flabbergasted they felt when they discovered that their ex girlfriend was still reluctant to forgive and forget or make another go of the relationship.
I know it sounds twisted, but sexual gratification can move a couple, even when they are dealing with serious relationship issues.
It happens. It as if there is a temporary suspension of common sense.
Poof….. it is gone!
Then as quickly, reality comes crashing back down
Your Ex Girlfriend is Thinking She is Going To Teach You a Lesson
I hope you are never in a situation in which your ex girlfriend is so angry at you, that she fools you into thinking she want to hang out with you.
This does not happen often, but anger and resentment over past relationship misdeeds can foster a strong desire to “get back at you”.
And what better way to get back at you than to pretend that all is forgiven.
When the invitation to hang around with you is extended, you may be giddy with excitement and relieved that all of the fuss and fight is finally over.
I think of this as the “case of the She Devil”.
It is rare that this sort of thing happens, but when it does, it feels like you have been punched in the stomach.
There are different versions of this dastardly deed!
She might just reach out to you and set up a time and place for a meeting. You arrive, but she never shows.
You are left wondering, “did I get the time right or did she forget or did she really stand me up”.
If you text her later and don’t hear back, you can be assured you got “played”.
Then we have the evil doer!
This is when your ex girlfriend decides she is going to “really” get back at you.
It is similar to the first example, except in this case she shows up with another guy, waves at you, and walks off.
Now, that is pretty, nasty mean.
This sort of ploy happen rarely, but if anyone should ever pull such an act on you, I want you to smile…. tell her she looks beautiful and wish them well, emphasizing you “really mean it”.
Sell it big time.
Then write her a letter.
That’s right. Write an old fashioned letter. Tell her you are happy for her and wish her a “wonderful life” with her new guy.
Keep it short. Put a stamp on it and mail it immediately.
A she devil or “evil doer” is a rare creature.
Such a creature thrives on seeing you get upset.
The best way to de-fang the “she devil” is not to give them want they want.
Why Does My Ex Girlfriend Wish to Hang Out With Me?
Have you ever heard of the term “different strokes for different folks”.
Well, ex-girlfriends can have a number of underlying reasons why they want to hang out with you that range from specific emotional triggers and even a biological need.
Does she just want to spend some time with you for fun?
Is it that your ex girlfriend desires to experiment to see if she still like you?
Or is it that she is lonely and had a weak moment?
Perhaps she is curious to see how you will react.
Maybe she is finally moving forward and wants you to join her and resume the relationship.
It could be any of these things.
Or it could be a combination of some of these things.
Here is a list of some of the motivations woman have that drive them to want to “hang” with you following the break up.
- Your ex gf could really be hurting inside and feels damaged. In such cases she needs you to help with her own self healing.
- She might be very confused about what she wants and is trying to sort through her feelings. Be spending time with you, she hopes that experience will help her with how to go forward.
- Your ex girlfriend may be immature or exhibit a high degree of flightiness. A break up can cause tremendous emotional upheaval and compound her immature reactions. So it is very possible that one day, she may really want to hang out. But the next day, she may feel depressed and not want to be near you at all.
- It is common for an ex girlfriend going through the post break up phase to still be very vulnerable. She may feel desperate to be with you and feel compelled to cling to you.
- It could be a mistake. Your ex-girlfriend may have had good intentions to hang out with you, but then later after reflecting more, realizes it would not be a good idea.
- As mentioned earlier, your ex girlfriend could be horny. It could be as plain and simple as that. But don’t confuse her sexual attraction for you with a repaired relationship.
What Does It Mean When She Says “Let’s Hang Out
Before we continue, let’s make sure we are reading off the same sheet of music.
When your ex girlfriend says, “let’s hang out”, what does that phrase really mean?
Does she mean she wants to have “friends with benefits?
Well that may take a little explaining too.
Normally, when that phrase (i.e. “friends with benefits”) is used, it is meant to convey that two people who like each other, also agree to have sex.
But in the case of “friends with benefits”, neither of them desire to have a full time, committed relationship.
Now, it is possible that a couple break ups and then later runs into each other and agrees to have sex.
In this scenario, a good deal of time may have already passed since the break up and each individual decided to go their own way and remain friends.
But as fate would have it, they ran into each other and agreed to hang out for the day and that leads to a “friends with benefit” situation.
So let me muddy the waters so more!
Sometimes we have these situations where a couple has recently broken up.
Both are still dealing with the pain of the break up. Neither are sure what the future holds for them as “a couple”.
But as a trial measure, they agree to “hang out”.
They are friendly to each other and they are getting along pretty well.
In fact, they are getting along so well, that they end up having a little “Friends With Benefits” action.
But once the “act” is all over with and the day is “buttoned up”, they may still be unsure whether they should resume a serious relationship.
This stuff can get complicated!
Let me just say that in most cases, the phrase, “let’s hang out”, simply refers to spending time together for mutual fulfilment (without the sex).
I think you are starting to see that an offer to get together can lead to many paths.
It can start off as an invitation to “hang out” (whatever the motivation is).
It may have been born from a notion of let’s just have an easygoing time together without any expectations.
But then things can take a turn and suddenly sexual feelings can enter the picture.
I realize all of this can be a bit confusing.
It seems there is all kinds of language we sometimes use to describe our interactions with our former lover.
Just know that “Hanging Out” can morph into “Hooking Up” and vice versa.
The Game Plan!
Don’t you just hate it when you ask a question and the person you expect to advise you says, “It depends”.
I am not going to do that.
Well, Ok, let me expand on that!
I have found a way, not to do that.
Hang in there…you will see where I am going with this!
I am going to walk you through a multi-faceted game plan you can put into place if you get an invitation to “hang out”.
Generally, after a breakup, it is in everybody’s best interest to cool it for awhile.
So let’s say your ex girlfriend sends you a text just days after the break up. She want to hang out.
What do you do?
It is simple. It is too soon for anything like that. For God’s sake, you guys just broke up!
So stick to your guns and do not violate the No Contact Rule
Ok, so that I don’t violate my “It depends” rule, I have to frame another question so that I can answer it properly, because it is a somewhat different answer.
Pretty sneaky of me, don’t you think?
So what if you guys broke up, but it was a mild separation.
Let’s say it’s the first time you and your girlfriend really ever got to this place in your relationship in which you both agreed to take a little time-out from each other.
Now, both of you are probably feeling bruised, but I would classify this kind of breakup as much less serious than your typical breakup.
So once again, let’s say your ex gf reaches out and says let’s just hang out and get things patched up.
Well my friend, unless you are some kind of hard headed, masochist, then you will definitely take her up on that offer.
Look, you guys just probably got sidetracked a bit and if you shoot down her proposal, then guess what?
You will really be in the shit can.
So go “hang” with her and have some fun and make up.
Ok, so now I have yet another situation.
Let’s say the break up was quite serious.
Let’s also assume that you are two weeks into your No Contact Period.
I also want you to assume that the relationship has been going on for a few years. So you guys have a pretty decent amount of time invested into each other.
Now, what do you do if you ex hints at wanting to hang around with you for a little while.
To add further to the complexity, let’s say she suggests neither of you should talk about relationship stuff.
Now normally, I would advocate sticking with your 21 or 30 day No Contact Period.
But this proposal, coming from your ex girlfriend, is both interesting and reasonable and might just provide an avenue for the two of you to mend your broken hearts.
I particularly like her suggestion of steering away from “relationship talk” because that could be a potential flash point.
So, Yes….definitely yes….I would take her up on that offer to “hang”.
Now those are just three scenarios.
As you well know, there are many ways these things can play out.
So you will have to use some good common sense to avoid the pitfalls (i.e. I described several of these earlier).
I know…..it is a fine line to walk in trying to figure out what is your best interest and the best interest of the “relationship” going forward.
But consider yourself more educated and prepared now.
If you do decide to break off the “No Contact Period” to hang out with your ex-girlfriend and it does NOT work out…..
Odds are that it probably didn’t make things worse.
I mean, you guys already broke up, so you don’t have much to lose.
I will leave you with these two, well traveled thoughts that sort of describe your predicament and how to act.
Absence, does indeed make the heart grow fonder.
So he who seeks to dare, can find blessings.