With every article I write, I take the approach of delving into psychology and the history of the masses. As everyone and their mother’s mother knows, learning from other people’s history and their mistakes. Well, I am going to take a different approach with this one.
I want to dive in and talk about what I meant when I personally said “Don’t contact me” during a breakup. Because each time I’ve had to say this (three times of note) was in a different circumstance.
I say “had to” because making a statement like, “Don’t contact me,” is going on the offense.
You put up an offense only if you have been on defense and someone got through, or you lost a coin toss. But there are no coin tosses in breakups. Or at least there aren’t supposed to be unless you’re 14, in which case… quit that.
But I want to do something with you right now.
I want to get real with you and clue you in on the female thought process when it comes to such drastic measures.
And, in order for us to do that, you have to throw out all of the things that your brain is telling you right now.
ALL OF THEM!
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That’s the sound of them being thrown out the window.
As of right now, every thought you have or have had on your own regarding your relationship with your ex is null and void.
“Why?” you ask?
Well, as I’m sure you are aware (if not, you aren’t you are about to be), your thoughts after the breakup are being driven by emotions not rationale. Tell me you haven’t stared at the screen of your phone with her number pulled up your thumb hovering over the tiny green button going over and over all the different conversations you left unsaid.
I have been there more times than you will ever know.
The difference is that more often than not, the rational thoughts won out over the emotional ones.
You have at least heard some version of the saying, “It’s not what happens it’s how you handle it.”
And even if you have let your emotions win out over your rationale, you can control where the narrative leads you from here.
Fwooooooooop. Out the window with those emotions. Embrace that rationale that will keep you sane while you get through No Contact, the Texting Phase, and everything past that.
Alright, so now I want to get down to brass tacks with you. Because, a lot of the time I discuss my personal life, but not to the point of really talking about why I did what I did and didn’t do, just that it had happened.
Well, you are in for a treat today.
Because I have told exactly three guys not to, “call, text, or show up where I am.”
So, how does that help you?
Well, I intend to explain my reasons behind each instance and then give you insider information on what each of those guys could have done to get me back at that moment.
That’s right I am willing to open up my personal life to help you get some clarity and keep you from sabotaging yourself.
Alright, let’s get to it.
Don’t Contact Me
There were three times I had to say, “Don’t contact me.” Quickly followed up with a swift. “No Really. Do. Not. Contact. Me.”
The first time was pretty up front.
The guy was a Class A jerkwad. He was not okay with me having an opinion or a life of my own. He had basically hinted at the idea of my not having a career either.
He didn’t want a girlfriend that was his partner in life. He wanted a pretty puppet to show off to his friends.
Needless to say, he was NOT on board with the ending of the relationship.
He was angry, confused, and convinced that he could convince me into getting back together.
He was bad in the relationship and bad in the breakup. I could see it written on his face the second I told him I was leaving.
So, when I told him not to contact me, I was basically saying there was no chance we were ever getting back together.
The second time that I had to tell someone not to contact me was also during a breakup.
I had been dating a guy for a while who was PERFECT on paper, driven, professional, and he had a bright future.
The only thing was, after a while, it became clear to me that he had settled when he started dating me. He had been head over heels for a girl before he met me who got married and was happily pregnant with her second kiddo.
It wasn’t like we were unhappy. In fact, he was one of the most thoughtful boyfriends I have had in the history of all boyfriends. He was a sweet, loving, and amazing guy. We had fun together.But it was obvious that I was not the only woman who was on his mind.
It was obvious that I was not the only woman who was on his mind. He was always bringing up stories with her in them. He made references to her current situations constantly.
Who wants to feel like a consolation prize?
I wasn’t happy and he clearly wasn’t either since he was still pining for someone else.
We both needed out and I was the one strong enough to make that call.I needed to put my foot down.
I needed to put my foot down. Like I said, he was a great guy. There wasn’t anything about him that I didn’t like except that he had a crush on someone else.
If I had let him say even two words about getting back together, it would have been bad news for me. Because getting back together would have been me saying that I didn’t deserve better.
And I deserved so much better.
The third time I found myself telling someone not to contact me It was completely different circumstances.
I loved him.
That’s the truth.
The thing was that he and I were never quite “in a relationship.”
And he was never quite ready to be. He was constantly leaving and coming back to the faux relationship we were having.
If he even heard that I was even considering seeing someone knew he would magically send a text out of nowhere or he would happen to show up on the fringe of my life.
I loved him. I knew I loved him. He knew I loved him. He used it to manipulate me and keep me from being able to even imagine a life with someone else.
He had broken my heart countless times over the years that we had been together.
One day he tells me he’s moving away. And not just away, out of state. He told me the day before he was set to leave. I will never forget the day he left because it was my mom’s birthday.
He and I decided to remain friends. And we are. But we couldn’t be friends until I put my foot down and literally told him that he was officially friend-zoned. not to contact me for a while.
Yeah, I used that word to his face. He had put us on hold for so long. He had strung me along for so long. He had kept me from living my life for… so… long.
Friend-zoned. I drew a line.
If I were to sum up what I said to him after that it basically boiled down to, “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.”
Because, despite him breaking my heart countless times and holding me back, he had been a part of my life that I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it, even as a friend.
Tough Love and Getting Her Back
Each of those men brought something different into my life. I had my reasons for removing them from my life at that moment.
But the question you really want to be answered is what could they have done to have changed my mind?
And the answer is… yes.
The first would have had to change his very nature. However, he was proud and thrived off of making me feel small so he could feel like he had more control over all aspects of his life. He treated the other people in his life the same way.
I think I was the first one that ever stood up to him.
He called and texted endlessly. He even showed up to my work with flowers multiple times before I drew a line in the sand and told him not to contact me further.
The only way he could have gotten me back after that point would be if some serious changes were made in his life.
The way he acted while we were together was no less than disrespect.
If you are in a similar situation and your girl came to terms with the fact that she deserved better… then you will have to become the man that she truly deserves. That takes time.
Follow her request TO THE LETTER. That means, no calling, no texting, no carrier pigeons, and most definitely no showing up.
You take every minute apart addressing your shortcomings both in the relationship and out.
If you have an issue with anger, take up meditation or takes steps to getting it under control.
If you have issues showing respect, I suggest you start doing some research and learn how to treat a partner with respect.
On the women’s site, we talk a lot about taking No Contact Periods to become the “Ungettable Girl.” In your case you should not only strive to be better than who you were, you should strive to be as close to the best that you can get.
It’s not just about getting her back, it’s about beating your demons and winning.
Any self-respecting woman wouldn’t take back a man simply on his word. My guess, if you were in this kind of situation where she cut you off, she either has or has found so self-respect and if you want her back then you are going to have to earn it.
As you can guess, in my case, none of them were ready to earn it with their actions.
If getting her back isn’t important enough to put forth the effort to become not only a better version of yourself but the best, then you might as well give up now.
As you can see, no one makes such a direct call as a “Don’t Contact Me” without having given it serious thought. If she’s said this to you, she has put the thought into it. It’s not an impulse call. you don’t sever ties for no reason.So, what was her reason?
So, what was her reason?
I assure you that you know what it is even if you’ve been telling yourself that she had no reason.
Own up to it, and make that knowledge an asset.
Otherwise, you can kiss her goodbye for good.
Now, you can take what I’ve given you and run with it or you can flail out in the middle of the ocean without a life preserver till you sink.
It’s up to you.
But, what I will tell you is that even if your situation is NOTHING like what I have laid out here if you put forth an effort to be better she will see it and it will affect her reaction.
I don’t care how long it takes, you put in the effort and she will see.
You see, number three, he changed his life after I told him not to contact me he changed his life. He has been telling me since then that he has cut back on his drinking, that he’s giving up smoking, and that he pictures building a life with children and two dogs and the two of us old and happy.
Now, if he had ever taken the time to actually get to know me he would have known that none of that is what I had wanted for us. Instead, he just started saying things that he thought I wanted to hear when all he had to do is become a better man.
If he had put forth the effort to do that then maybe I would have let him back into my life. Then he would have had the opportunity to get to know me again and maybe learned what I actually wanted instead of what e thought I wanted.
Get the picture?
I didn’t want any of them to be better men because of me, I wanted them to just be better men in general.
Don’t assume that you know what she wants for the two of you. Just know that she wants what’s best for her.
Are you what’s best for her? Really though?