keSo, you lost your Girlfriend because the two of you just couldn’t stop arguing. And now you’ve found your way here, to ExRecovery.
Good for you!
You found us just in time!
Let’s say you make it all the way through ExRecoveryPro and find yourself back together with your ex. Awesome, right?
But what’s going to keep you from falling right back into old patterns and winding up right back in the position you are in now?
According, to statistics, if you don’t put a plan into place to break old habits, then that is exactly what is going to happen.
Unfortunately, if we covered every single situation like this in ExRecoveryPro you might not make it through the whole book. That is why we write these articles, to help cater the program to your specific needs.
So, today I want to discuss how to keep from making the same mistakes once you get your ExGirlfriend back.
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I know some of you might not be on the Recovery train yet. To be honest it took me a while to believe in it the way I do. I guess watching tons of people succeed with it has that effect on you. But I would suggest going ahead and starting No Contact whether you trust it yet or not because creating distance is the first step to getting her back.
I could go ahead and explain the rest of the program, but then I would never get around to the strategy I’ve come up with just for you. So, for the rest of the ExRecovery Program, you can read more here. I’ll include the link at the bottom of the page as well, so you don’t get distracted from the subject at hand.
Why Is This So Important
No Contact is the biggest part of ExRecovery. You’ll hear it talked about in similar programs that are out there, but no one does is quite like us. Most other programs suggest a lengthy No Contact and it boils down to simply not contacting your ex. There are no other directions past, “don’t talk to them.” That leaves a lot of room for error.A lot of men see No Contact as a form of torture because most of them want things to get fixed right now. They don’t want to wait. Well, with ExRecovery, No Contact only lasts as long as your particular situation requires. In Pro, we make sure that you don’t waste a single moment in No Contact.
A lot of men see No Contact as a form of torture because most of them want things to get fixed right now. They don’t want to wait. Our team understands that and we are available every step of the way to make sure that you get something more than simply reentering a broken relationship.
Well, with ExRecovery, No Contact only lasts as long as your particular situation requires. In Pro, we make sure that you don’t waste a single moment in No Contact.
Look at this.
Once you find ExRecovery and begin the No Contact Period, Pro walks you through some steps you can take during No Contact to make the recovered relationship better than the last. Basically, instead of just sitting around waiting for No Contact to be over, you are going to take steps to make improvements in yourself and in your life.
Clearly, your ex was attracted to you. Add that to the improvements made and you will have her questioning the decision to cut things off.
For your situation, with the excessive arguing, we are going to add two things just for you to the program to help you keep her once you get her back.
So, let’s talk about this strategy.
Learning to Confront Disagreements
You care about your ex, right?
In most relationships, arguments come down to being right and winning rather than establishing solutions to the disagreements.
In moments of heightened emotions, it is easy to forget that the person you are arguing with isn’t an enemy. This makes the relationship feel more like a volatile prison.
So, the plan that I illustrated above, boils down to learning how to transform arguments into careful negotiations. The goal is to learn how to be less confrontational and more understanding.
There is something you will need to do WITH YOUR EX immediately after getting back together. It will be STEP 1. However, we are going to start with STEP 2. You’ll understand why we cover things in this order after you’ve finished reading this article.
I need you to read the steps remembering that they are after you and your ex have already reconciled.
Step 2: Step Back
Effective negotiators will all tell you that the first thing you need to do is organize your thoughts.
So, in the event that the two of you are in a situation where you are about to begin arguing, the count to ten method usually works for most people. But you have lived with yourself for your entire life. If you know you are prone to heightened bouts of anger you might take a walk, a shower, or, in extreme cases, a nap.
The reasons behind this are to give yourself time to get your thoughts in order and to allow the adrenaline to dissipate.
This will take a certain level of self-examination on your part during the No Contact Period.
Take that time to yourself to get to know your downfalls as well as your better attributes. This will help you amplify the good ones and get the negative ones under control if not get rid of them all together.
So, when you find yourself about to get into it with your girlfriend, let her know that you don’t want to argue with her and you need to step away before continuing the conversation.
I know that sounds odd, but after we get around to STEP 1 you’ll understand why she would be inclined to give you the time you need.
Step 3: Understand Her Point of View
A relationship is about finding a partner in life. You make decisions together. You are supposed to protect each other. That person is supposed to be a safe place. If the two of you were arguing constantly, it is understandable that she may have felt like you might not have had her back entirely.
For example, if you and your girlfriend have disagreements over and over about the same things then it is likely that one of two things is happening. The topic you argue over again and again likely matters more to one of you than the other. The other possibility is that there is an underlying issue that is causing the tension.
This ability does not come to everyone easily.
So, let me illuminate.
Let’s say you get in an argument about taking out the trash. She says it’s your turn and you swear you took it out just yesterday. If most of your fights center around seemingly small things like this, then the argument may not be just about the trash. It may be that she feels like the effort to make the relationship work is unbalanced.
So, when you find yourself in an argument you need to remind yourself that she’s not your enemy.
If you want to be with her and you want to be happy, then you should take into account her feelings too.
I find that a lot of the guys I talk to that are going through breakups talk about their exes like possessions or pets.
“She loves me. We were happy. She’ll come back. She needs me.”
“I don’t understand why she would run away. She knows that I’m the one who feeds her and loves her. She’ll come back. She knows this house is her home.”
You see the similarities?
The points of view are focused on how it affects him with no bearing on how she feels.
So, it’s important that you take into account what her goals for life and the relationship when you formulate your approach to any argument.
Being self-centered will only end in another breakup.
Step 4: Decide Your Parameters
Taking what we’ve discussed this far, you need to decide what you want and what areas you are willing to bend on. And believe me, if you want her in your life, you need to be flexible and willing to compromise with her.
You are building a life together. You need to find solutions together. That is why taking the time to decide this before an argument breaks out is important.
Step 5: The Final Step
This is the most important thing to remember in the midst of an argument.
Remember how you feel right now in this moment. What’s more important, being right and winning or being with the woman you love?
I’m not saying that you need to give in on everything. I’m saying that reminding yourself of how you feel right now, without her, can make compromising sound a lot more appealing. It will also allow you to discuss the situation calmly and come up with a solution together.
The First and Final Step
As I said earlier, STEPS 2-5 are “the plan.” These steps are tools to help you learn how to handle tough situations when they arise.
Learning to use them will give you a parachute to slow you down before you end up in a situation that results in another breakup.
Step 1 doesn’t actually come into play until after the two of you are back together. So, this requires you to be patient until then. Just work the rest of the program until then.
Step 1: Putting the Plan Motion
So, there is one last thing we need to discuss, putting “the plan ” in motion.
In order to do that, you need to get your partner on the same page.
We’ve all seen cop shows. In order to be an effective team, you have to be willing to trust each other. That means that you have to have her best interest in mind and you need to trust that she’ll have yours in mind, too. In order to be an effective duo, you need to have a plan in place regarding how to face whatever problems might arise BEFORE you charge into a volatile situation.
In the police academy, they learn tactics and skills, but each team builds their own way of working together.
The reason I liken it to police work is because those are some seriously high stakes. They trust each other with their life every time they punch in.
In a relationship, you might not find yourself holding her life in your hands, but for her holding her heart is just as dangerous.
I consider myself level-headed, but when it comes to confrontation with loved ones, I have a hard time controlling my emotions and volume.
After No Contact, there is texting and going on dates with your ex. ExRecoveryPro walks you through all of that.
Step one starts with when you and your ex officially agree to be in a relationship again. It CANNOT be before. You need to understand that. Restarting the relationship has to be agreed upon before you discuss what I call the “groundwork.”
The two of you need to sit down and address the issue TOGETHER. You both know that one of the reasons you split in the first place is because you argued so much.
Now, let me explain why it is so important for you to be back together officially. If you do this too soon, you jeopardize the likelihood that you actually will get back together.
So, here’s how you approach this.
Once the two of you are officially back together, you will feel like you have won already. You will be tempted not to do anything that will rock the boat.
But, I assure you, making an effort with your ex to resolve the problem before it becomes a problem again will not go unnoticed. It can only work in your favor.
So, let’s make you a game plan, a script so to speak.
You are going to want to do this as nonconfrontational as possible.
You are going to want to sit down with your no longer exgirlfriend.
Points that you need to get across
…explain how important the relationship is to you.
…how important it is to you that you don’t make the same mistakes again.
Basically, you want to ask her to make a game plan with you to help avoid pointless arguments. Instead, you want to turn potential arguments into discussions.
The basic ground rules are simple.
- If we are upset with each other, for whatever reason, we will tell each other without accusing the other. (This keeps us from keeping it all bottled up and exploding about everything all at once.)
- Come to an agreement that, if necessary, you will give each other time to process the information before discussing it. (Basically, all you have to do is ask. I have a friend who’s husband will literally ask for a time out to gather himself, because he knows he has a temper and generally says hurtful things when they argue. They also make sure to set aside time to sit down and have a discussion about it. That’s important. A discussion is a calm, nonconfrontational back and forth. Be sure to listen.)
These are the two basic ideas that lay the groundwork. The two of you can create additional guidelines if you think of them. But these are the basic ones that will keep things civil.
Now all you have to do is remember “the plan” when the situation arises.
Here are the links discussed in this article:
There are plenty of other articles too if you have more questions. But I hope you feel free to reach out to us as well. That’s what we are here for.