By Chris Seiter

Published on January 9th, 2024

A burning question many of us face is whether or not to tell our ex that they hurt us.

Yes, there are situations where, at the proper time, you should inform your ex that you were hurt or deeply wounded. Deciding to tell your ex that she hurt you involves weighing the need for closure against the risk of reopening emotional wounds. It’s appropriate in scenarios where gaining understanding, facilitating healing, or expressing unresolved feelings is crucial for moving forward.

However, this requires careful consideration of your emotional readiness and the potential impact on both parties, ensuring that the communication is constructive and not driven by impulse.

Let’s dive into this and dissect the pros and cons, appropriate instances, ideal communication methods, and more.

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The Pros of Telling Your Ex That You’re Hurt

  1. Closure: Expressing your hurt to your ex can be incredibly cathartic. It’s akin to releasing a burden you’ve been carrying, allowing you to close a chapter that may have been open for too long. This act of sharing your feelings isn’t just about them understanding your pain; it’s about you acknowledging it, giving it space, and then letting it go. The process can be a crucial step in healing and moving on, as it often helps to verbalize feelings that have been internalized. It’s about putting to rest the what-ifs and should-haves that might haunt you.
  2. Understanding: There’s a chance that your ex may not fully comprehend how deeply their actions affected you. By communicating your hurt, you’re offering a window into your emotions that they might not have seen. This doesn’t necessarily mean they will respond with an apology or an attempt to make amends, but it can lead to a mutual understanding. Sometimes, just knowing that your ex understands the impact of their actions can be comforting. It can also help them to grow and be more mindful in their future relationships. Remember, understanding doesn’t always lead to reconciliation, but it can lead to mutual respect and a more amicable post-breakup relationship.
  3. Personal Growth: Articulating your feelings, especially those of hurt and vulnerability, is an exercise in emotional intelligence. It requires a great deal of courage and self-awareness to not only recognize your emotions but also express them effectively. This process is integral to personal growth. It teaches you about your emotional triggers, your communication style, and your coping mechanisms. Additionally, it can lead to greater self-compassion and understanding. By acknowledging and expressing your hurt, you’re not only communicating with your ex; you’re also sending a message to yourself that your feelings are valid and deserve attention. This kind of self-acknowledgment is a powerful step in emotional healing.

The Cons of Revealing Your Hurt to Your Ex

  1. Reopening Wounds: Discussing past pain can inadvertently reopen emotional wounds. This is particularly risky if either you or your ex has started to heal. Revisiting the hurtful incidents can trigger a flood of painful emotions and memories for both parties. It’s akin to peeling off a healing scab and exposing an unhealed wound underneath. This can set back the healing process, not just for you but potentially for your ex as well. It’s crucial to weigh whether the potential benefits of expressing your hurt outweigh the risk of re-traumatizing yourself or the other person. Sometimes, the path to healing is through leaving the past unspoken and moving forward.
  2. Unwanted Drama: Especially in cases where the breakup was fraught with conflict and emotional turmoil, bringing up your hurt can escalate into drama. This is particularly likely if the relationship dynamics were volatile or if there are unresolved issues that could get stirred up. Expressing your feelings might inadvertently provoke defensive or even hostile reactions, leading to arguments and misunderstandings. This added drama can transform a difficult but manageable situation into an emotionally charged, stressful, and potentially damaging scenario. It’s like adding fuel to a fire that was just about to burn out. The drama might not only be distressing but can also damage any chances of maintaining a cordial post-breakup relationship or friendship.
  3. False Expectations: When you decide to tell your ex about your hurt, there might be an underlying, unconscious hope for a specific outcome – perhaps an apology, an expression of regret, or even a chance at reconciliation. However, it’s important to remember that their response is not in your control. They might not react the way you hope, or they might not respond at all. This mismatch between expectation and reality can lead to additional disappointment and hurt. It’s like reaching out for a branch while falling, only to find it’s not as sturdy as you thought. The key is to manage your expectations and be prepared for any response – or lack thereof – and to ensure that your decision to share your feelings isn’t heavily tied to the hope of a particular reaction from your ex.

When Is It Appropriate to Let Her Know That You Were Hurt Badly?

  1. When You’re Seeking Closure, Not Conflict: If your goal is genuine closure, and you’re in a calm, reflective state, it might be beneficial to express your feelings.
  2. When There’s Mutual Respect: If your relationship ended on relatively good terms, and there’s still a foundation of respect, sharing your feelings could be constructive.
  3. When It’s Part of Your Healing Process: If articulating your hurt is a recommended step in your personal healing journey, it could be a positive move.  Also, be sure to coordinate your actions with your Breakup Coach or whatever Game Plan you have devised going forward.

What to Say: Quotes and Examples

  1. I’ve been doing some reflection, and I feel it’s important for me to share that I was really hurt by how things ended between us. It’s not about blame, but about understanding and moving forward.”
  2. “Our breakup was tough for me. I felt hurt, especially by [specific action]. I wanted to share this with you as a part of my healing process.”
  3. “Looking back, I realize I was deeply hurt by [specific incident]. I’m sharing this not to reopen old wounds, but to express something that’s been heavy on my heart.”

Suggestions On What To Do

  1. Write a Letter: Sometimes, writing your feelings down can be less confrontational and allows you to fully express yourself without interruption.
  2. Seek Counseling: Before and after the conversation, consider counseling to process your feelings and get professional guidance.
  3. Prepare for Any Response: Be ready for any kind of response, including no response. Your peace should not be contingent on their reaction.

Optimum Communication Method

  1. Choose a Neutral Medium: A well-thought-out email or letter can be a good choice. It’s less immediate than a call or text, giving both parties time to process.
  2. Be Clear and Concise: Avoid long, rambling messages. Be clear about your intention, which is to share your feelings, not to blame or argue.
  3. Stay Calm and Respectful: If you opt for a face-to-face or phone conversation, keep your tone calm and respectful. This isn’t about winning an argument; it’s about expressing your truth.

12 Examples of Hurtful Actions That Require a Response

  1. Infidelity: Cheating can cause deep emotional scars. If it’s weighing heavily on you, addressing it can be part of healing.
  2. Dishonesty: Lies can shatter trust. If dishonesty was a key factor in your hurt, it’s worth mentioning.
  3. Emotional Manipulation: If manipulation played a role in your pain, expressing this can be empowering.
  4. Public Humiliation: If your ex embarrassed you publicly, acknowledging this hurt is important for your dignity.
  5. Neglect: Feeling neglected or taken for granted can leave deep wounds, worth addressing for personal closure.
  6. Dismissal of Your Feelings: If your ex consistently dismissed your feelings, it’s valid to express the impact of this behavior.
  7. Ghosting: Being suddenly cut off without explanation can be traumatizing. If you need closure, bring it up.
  8. Abusive Behavior: Any form of abuse warrants a serious response, often best handled with professional help.
  9. Belittling Your Ambitions: If your ex belittled your dreams or career, expressing this can reaffirm your self-worth.
  10. Forcing Isolation from Friends/Family: Addressing this can be crucial in reclaiming your independence and social identity.
  11. Repeated Breaking of Promises: If broken promises were a pattern, discussing this can highlight the importance of reliability in relationships for you.
  12. Comparing You to Others: This can be damaging to self-esteem and is worth mentioning if it deeply affected you.

Closing Thoughts

Deciding whether to tell your ex that she hurt you is a deeply personal decision.

Weigh the pros and cons, consider the context and nature of your relationship, and most importantly, prioritize your emotional well-being.

Whatever path you choose, ensure it aligns with your journey towards healing and personal growth. Remember, it’s not just about the past but about how you move forward into your future.

The Expert’s Corner

Insider Insights From Chris Seiter:  10 FAQs on Communicating Hurt to Your Ex

  1. Q: Should I tell my ex that they hurt me?
    • A: Deciding to tell your ex about your hurt is a personal decision. Consider your motives and the potential impact on both you and your ex. It’s appropriate if it aids in your healing process or brings closure, but be cautious about reopening old wounds or expecting a specific response.
  2. Q: How can I communicate my hurt without causing conflict?
    • A: Approach the conversation calmly and avoid blame. Use “I” statements to express your feelings. For example, “I felt hurt when…” rather than “You hurt me by…”. This focuses on your feelings and less on accusing them.
  3. Q: Is it a good idea to write a letter expressing my hurt?
    • A: Writing a letter can be a therapeutic way to express your feelings. It allows you to articulate your thoughts clearly without the immediate emotional reactions that can occur in a face-to-face conversation.
  4. Q: What if my ex responds negatively to my expressing hurt?
    • A: Prepare for various responses, including a negative one. If they respond negatively, try to stay calm and remember that you have done your part by expressing your feelings. Their reaction is beyond your control.
  5. Q: How long after the breakup should I wait before telling my ex that they hurt me?
    • A: There’s no set time frame, but it’s important to wait until you are emotionally stable and clear about your intentions. This could be weeks, months, or even longer. The key is ensuring you’re not acting on impulse.
  6. Q: Can expressing my hurt lead to getting back together?
    • A: While it’s possible, it’s important not to express your hurt with the expectation of reconciliation. Focus on the expression as a step in your healing journey rather than a means to rekindle the relationship.
  7. Q: What if I regret telling my ex about my hurt afterwards?
    • A: It’s normal to have mixed feelings after such a conversation. If you regret it, try to focus on the fact that you expressed your authentic feelings, which is a brave and important step in personal growth.
  8. Q: Should I expect an apology from my ex after telling them they hurt me?
    • A: While an apology would be ideal, it’s best not to expect one. Your goal is to express your feelings for your own peace of mind, not necessarily to elicit a specific response from your ex.
  9. Q: How do I know if it’s better to keep my hurt to myself?
    • A: If expressing your hurt is likely to cause you more emotional distress or if you’re unsure about how it will be received, it might be better to process your feelings independently through journaling, therapy, or talking with trusted friends. In keeping with most of our Ex Recovery Plans, you should consult with your Breakup Coach before acting.
  10. Q: Is it advisable to seek help before deciding to talk to my ex about my hurt?
    • A: Yes, consulting with one of our Breakup Coaches can be very beneficial. They can provide guidance on whether expressing your hurt is the appropriate step for you and help you prepare emotionally for any outcomes.



Disclosure: I am the Author and Creator of this content. My aim is to provide you with original, well structured and authoritative content about this ex recovery topic utilizing my experience and expertise. I have endeavored to produce content that is high quality, relevant, informative, accurate, and reliable. In doing so, I have used an AI tool to some extent to assist me in generating useful content for my readers. This assistance may include topic research, the development of outline structures, phraseology for titles and headings, content curation, narrative expansion, grammar usage, and optimizing readability. All of this is done for the purpose of adding value to the post that I have produced. I personally “proof” every quality post I write for accuracy, completeness, textual flow, fine-tuning purposes, inclusion of relevant media, and inclusion of helpful internal links to further assist the reader. I do not allow for any 3rd party advertising that would muddy up my content or distract my readers.

Signed By Yours Truly, Chris Seiter, Founder of Ex Boyfriend & Ex Girlfriend Recovery.	

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