Fear is a powerful emotion. Fear has the power to overwhelm your life once it takes hold, it can ruin your friendships, your career and your relationships.
Perhaps you have been cheated on in the past and were concerned it might happen again.
If your insecurities and jealousy pushed your ex away or your fear of commitment caused you to breakup with her, then together we are going to you win your exgirlfriend back.
This article is going to look at the following areas to help you:
- The reasons you pushed her away.
- What she needs from you.
- How to win her back.
Why Did You Push Her Away?
First, I want to talk about the reason you pushed her away.
I want you to have a good think about the reason you were scared within your relationship. What exactly were you scared of that caused you to push her away?
Thinking about this will help you identify what triggers you to feel a certain way and will enable you to find ways to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
The two main fears men have within a relationship are cheating and fear of commitment to the wrong woman.
Insecurities relating to cheating will push her away, either through your controlling behavior or because she feels untrusted. Fear of commitment will gradually drive your exgirlfriend away as she will feel underappreciated and unloved within the relationship.
The bad news is that your exgirlfriend is probably crushed by the rejection especially if you were together for a long time. The positive news is that your exgirlfriend wanted it to work with you, if she didn’t she would not have stayed in the relationship so long. Your exgirlfriend was highly invested in the relationship and if you study what she needs from you, then you can still have a good chance of winning her back.
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What She Needs From You
Before winning your exgirlfriend back it is useful to understand what she needs from you before you can get back together.
If you have been pushing your ex away then mixed feelings of rejection, sadness and often resentment towards you can linger for some time after a breakup.
What she craves from you is acceptance and trust, she needs to feel wanted by you and this is something you are going to have to demonstrate to her consistently before she will consider giving you a second chance.
Your exgirlfriend will have fears of her own after the breakup, fears that you will not change and that you may slip back to your old ways once you get back together. Ultimately she is worried that you will breakup again for a second time. For this reason, you are going to have to show her how you have changed and how things will be different in the future.
Lastly your exgirlfriend needs you to be honest about how your fears effect you, she wants you to share your problems as this helps her to feel useful in the relationship.
How to Win Her Back
The ExGirlfriend Recovery path starts at the same point for all breakup situations by doing a period of no-contact. The no contact period is a short amount of
time where you remove yourself from your ex’s life completely to allow yourself time to recover from the shock of the breakup. The no contact period also allows your ex’s feelings of rejection and resentment towards you subside so that she can start to miss you.
During your no contact period you are going to purposely ignore your exgirlfriend’s calls, texts, emails, requests to meet up and avoid checking her social media too. Other things you are not permitted to do include reaching out to her friends or family to ask about her, dropping by her home or workplace, or planning to bump into her somewhere.
The ExGirlfriend Recovery program mandates that you undertake a period of no contact ranging from 21-45 days depending on your situation.
For most of you reading this article, 30 days would be suitable.
The reason I am not suggesting the shorter 21 days is that your fears and anxieties will not heal overnight and a slightly longer recovery time will help your situation.
Now I know what you are thinking, “if I ignore her she will move on and forget about me and find another guy”. You are going to have to trust me when I say that is not going to happen. All the studies and research out there the point towards people being unable to move on from a breakup in less than 66 days, so trust that undertaking a no contact period will not harm your chances.
The next thing you are going to do to help improve your chances of getting your ex back is get some professional help. If you are struggling with depression, anxiety or other mental health issues that have caused you to push your ex away then I want you to go and get some help whether that’s via a medication, a counsellor, group therapy or similar.
You need to get help so that when the time comes to interact with your ex you are mentally up to the task. Getting help is really crucial for your recovery and your health must come first before your exgirlfriend.
Getting your mental state in good shape will help you win your ex back as it will demonstrate you understand the need to change and that you are prepared to take some action to make it happen.
During your no contact period you are going to spend a little bit of time working to become a cool and popular Alpha Male. To achieve this you are going to improve the following areas of your life:
- Social circle
Your no-contact period is the ideal time to focus on self-improvement so that you can wow your ex when you finally meet.
The first area you are going to work on is your looks….. start by hitting the gym!
Exercise will improve your mood after the breakup as endorphins fly around your body making you feel good. Working out is an awesome distraction from thinking about your ex and at the end of your gym session you will be a step closer to your dream physique.
Other areas of your looks I want you to work on include your hair style, your fashion sense, and your skin. At the end of your no-contact period you need to be looking the best your ex has ever seen you look, you want to seem fit, happy, successful and popular.
The next area you should focus on is your career. Throwing yourself into your career will benefit you financially but it will act as a great way to keep your mind busy and minimise the amount you miss your ex. When you land that dream promotion and your ex hears about it she is going to regret not being with you as success and confidence go hand in hand, and the fantastic news is that both traits are hugely attractive qualities in a man.
The final area of self-improvement you are going to work on involves expanding your social circle. Invest some of your time in meeting new people and experiencing the world around you. Making new friends will help you feel popular and give you your confidence back after the breakup.
The one thing you should not attempt if you pushed your exgirlfriend away is Jealousy.
Jealousy can be a very powerful tool under certain circumstances, however your ex is likely to be feeling very fragile and resentful after the breakup because your pushed her away. If you were to openly brag or speak about dating other women in this scenario then there is a strong chance this will push your ex even further away.
Traits You Need to Demonstrate
In all relationships women look for particular groups of traits in a man before settling down.
A few years ago I read a book by Steve Harvey on relationships and it summarised the three types of traits women look for as follows:
I thought it was great, it perfectly sums up very simply the what women like to see in a man’s character.
Someone who is willing and able to provide for them and a future family; someone who is kind and generous with what they have and who is willing to share. Working towards becoming the Alpha Male will help your exgirlfriend to see you as good provider if you improve your career prospects.
The next area was protection, women like a man to offer them some protection in life. Now we aren’t talking about being her bodyguard, what this really means is looking out for her. Giving her support when she needs it, and caring for her safety and well-being. Making sure that it is in your means to keep her safe and happy then you make that your job.
The last circle probably affects your case the most. It relates to a woman’s need to feel loved and accepted. Women need to know where they stand in a relationship and that you love them, not only that but they need you to tell them…. They need you to profess your commitment.
Now we know that it doesn’t take forever to know if a woman is girlfriend or even wife material, and here’s the deal…. Women know that too! Your ex understands that if 6 months have passed and you still haven’t decided if she is your girlfriend then it usually means you have no plans to officially make her your girlfriend. This sort of behaviour is what pushes her away and causes her to eventually leave.
Now we understand the three personality characteristics she needs to see from you as a boyfriend, lets talk about how we go about getting you back into the boyfriend seat.
Once you have completed your no-contact period you are going to start texting.
We have some great examples of first contact text messages throughout the website and books so today I am going to talk about how you regain her trust and win her over through texting.
We know that you pushed her away, we know that she is probably feeling rejected and hurt and we know that she is wary to trust you again. These are the key area’s you need to focus on when trying to win your exgirlfriend back.
Let’s start with the first area. How can you get her to trust you?
By slowly and gently building rapport through texting. Sharing moments about your day, interesting things that are happening in your life, and sending funny pictures will help you to generate rapport. This is important as rapport builds the foundation for friendship and that is a perfect place to start when trying to regain her trust.
I can hear you screaming…. “I don’t want to be her friend”. Don’t worry, you won’t get stuck in the friendzone, this is only temporary. You should view being friendly as a stepping stone to rebuilding attraction. Being friendly gets you back into your exgirlfriend’s life and makes her more receptive to communicating with you. This is vital to the process, you want her to know you like her as a person first as this will help her to slowly overcome her feelings of rejection.
When building rapport with your ex through texting here are some tips to keep you on track
- Don’t talk about the breakup.
- Don’t dive straight in and ask to get back together in the first couple of weeks.
- Always be positive, upbeat and interesting.
- Avoid clingy, needy or jealous behaviour.
- Do not talk about girls you are currently dating.
- Mirror her tone and length of texts.
- Do not double or triple text if she doesn’t reply.
- You will have to do most of the initiating.
Over the period of a few weeks you are going to make slow and steady progress from being friendly to being in a position where you can start building some attraction with your ex. You can begin with some mild flirting but nothing dirty, you don’t want to put her off. Slip in a couple of compliments here and there, as this is a subtle way to profess that you still like her and will not go unappreciated. A word of warning here, do not rush into telling her you love her as you need to allow her to adjust to the idea of a possible “us” again first.
As she begins to open up to you, she might talk about things that happen during her day to day life. Perhaps she has work or family problems, this is the perfect opportunity to show your support for her and tick the box for the protect circle we talked about earlier.
Finally, one of the things your ex is going to be looking to see from you is change, she needs to see that you aren’t going to push her away again. You should be showing her you are a different person through your texts, calls, and face to face meetings.
An excellent way to do this is to show that you are open to relationships of all kinds- and by that, I mean, friends, family and her. Talk to her about kind acts you have undertaken for your family lately or something you did to help a friend out, maybe even raise some money for charity. Showing acts of kindness to other people will demonstrate to your ex that you are a changed person and are not just focusing all your all your attention on your own life. Just avoid telling her about helping any female friends out as jealousy is likely to crush her spirit and may cause her to block you.
The key thing to remember when interacting with your ex is that all texts, calls or meetups should not just be fun and interesting but also be used to demonstrate the value you have as a potential boyfriend to her. Make sure you are showcasing your great qualities either directly to her or indirectly to her via social media or mutual friends.
What to Take Away From This
Winning your ex back when you have pushed her away is not easy and the process may take sometime however your chances for success in this kind of situation are very good. Your exgirlfriend has wanted to be part of your life for a long time so showing her you have changed will make her reconsider breaking up with you. In your case you have a few basic things to do, stick to your 30 days no contact, work on becoming the alpha male and display the three good boyfriend characteristics in all your interactions.