We get people, both men and women, reaching out to us on a daily basis asking,
“My ex is ignoring me! What does it mean?! What do I do?”
It’s normal to need some time apart after a breakup.
I mean, it’s healthy, especially when emotions like anger, jealousy, and hurt are basically overriding all rational thought.
Don’t tell me you haven’t considered doing something that you KNOW will push your ex away. Heck, most of you just read that sentence and laughed because you KNOW you’ve already done something along that line after the breakup.
But let’s face it, not everyone steps away from a relationship in a graceful way.
I mean, I’ve been on the end of that conversation where you are left hanging. It is NOT fun. And the sad part is that this is becoming a standard practice these days… ghosting. If you haven’t had a ghosting experience yet, consider yourself warned. It happens.
Basically, from where you are sitting, everything seems to be going well, great even, and then something happens. It’s like they just disappear.
No text, No call. No response what so ever.
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It’s like they are ignoring you.
And it hurts.
Now, perhaps you’ve been in this situation before and your ex is just ignoring you again. I mean a lot of our guys end up straying from the Program and having to go back to the beginning. So, perhaps you’ve done this before and you are maybe realizing that you could have handled it better.
Call it what ever you’d like, ghosting or just being a genuine jerk. The fact of the matter is that it flat out sucks.
You are pretty much just left there talking to yourself and waiting. And then… sending another text and waiting…
Before you know it there are 20 texts all from you and, short of him destroying his phone, there is really no good explanation for it…
Once you find yourself in this situation it is easy to do what comes naturally.
If you’ve read the Ex Girlfriend Recovery material then you probably have a pretty good idea where I am going with this. It’s another fun G-word… Gnatting.
Everyone has dealt with a pesky fly at some point. You know that point where you can hear it buzzing around and you already swatted at it a couple of time but essentially you’ve given up and resigned to just trying to ignore it? Does it buzzing around your head make you develop soft mushy feeling toward it? In all likeliness, no… right? I mean you’re going to want to get it out of the area pronto and you are probably going to be pretty agitated.
Well, everyone’s natural response to having someone disappear on them is to smother them, by sending them message after message after message, so much so that the conversation starts to look like this…
This is the natural way anyone would respond to being ignored.
If this is you, then, there are three simple things you need to do right now.
- Put down the phones and step away from the internet! ( okay, not this article… just the social media part of the internet. deal?)
- Breathe. Take a step back and allow yourself to consider things rationally.
- Consider her point of view
Have you put the phone down?
… and left it down?
I’ve been where you are. It’s tempting I know.
If you pay attention, you’ll notice that you’ll get frustrated, put it down, and then pick it right back up… then rinse, recycle, and repeat. Am I hitting a little two close to the mark?
Put it down and don’t pick it up until you finish this article at least. And for heaven’s sake don’t text her again. Just trust me on this.
So, let’s talk about where YOU are in your Ex Recovery journey, okay?
If you found your way to an article about your ex not talking to you all of a sudden, then I am assuming that you are kind of in a state of shock. You were probably having a conversation that was headed in a positive direction that suddenly took a turn. So, common sense would put you in the texting phase and probably on your way to building rapport.
Now, generally, when I am talking to people they either psych themselves out and end up over thinking the conversation or they undershoot it an end up coming off as if they are just barely making the minimum effort to connect. And we’ll talk about that a little further in. So, don’t get caught up in the WHAT of what was said just yet. There are a few other things that we need to talk about first.
But, I’m Freaking Out! What Does It Mean?
Your brain is going to lie to you.
Yep, I said it.
You are going to screw yourself over if you don’t take that step back and breath.
Well, your brain registers not getting a text back as rejection. It triggers a fight or flight response basically telling you some VERY irrational things, such as:
- Text her repeatedly until she responds.
- Show up at her house/job/school.
- Say something mean to get a response.
I think we can all agree that none of those will really get you where you WANT to be. They might make you feel better temporarily, but in the long run… you won’t get your ex back. And if they DO sound like good ideas, a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself
“Would I be okay with a grown man acting this way towards my little sister?”
If even the smallest part of you says no, then don’t do it. Even slightly gnatting comes across creepily or needy when you look at it this way.
There a couple of other tricks that your mind will play on you at this point that come from one simple truth. When we are hurting, we automatically look for someone to blame. In this case that would be you or your ex. So, your mind might tell you something along these lines.
- Your ex has just been stringing you along just so she could hurt you. You should turn around and be a HUGE jerk.
- This is all your fault. Let’s over-analyze everything we have ever said and try to figure out where you went wrong.
If you think about it, both of these are very different forms of torture.
Without having a conversation with your ex about it, you will never really know the truth of it. And you can’t really force her to have that conversation without COMPLETELY killing your chances of getting her back.
You see the problem there… it’s basically a Catch 22. Neither of those options really seems like it will work out for you you, does it?
Don’t give up just yet, though. I have good news. Just hold on a second… keep reading!
Okay so, I went to school for Marketing for a while and one of my teachers placed two cubes on the table in front of the class.
“Cube A is cheaper, but it won’t last very long. Cube B is cooler looking, last a little longer than Cube A, but it costs 4 times as much. How do you choose?”
This turned into a pretty intense discussion, almost an argument, with the class for pretty much the rest of the class.
“Well, how do you choose?”
He got a few answers.
“Well, it depends on what is important to the buyer. Neither one performs better. So, I guess you have to consider whether appearance is important.”
The professor laughed and asked something that has stuck with me ever since…
“Did anyone think to ask what your other options were?”
You see, our minds, much like companies today, will present us only with options that cater to what will benefit them. Companies want to sell products that will cost little to make but sell for more. Your brain will go for whatever answers the most pressing problem it’s dealing with at the moment. So, even though getting your ex back is your ultimate goal, it will lead you to do irrational things that you KNOW will jeopardize that just so it can have answers for that nagging WHY question.
Don’t let your brain convince you that you only have two options.
You have a third option. And that to stick with the program and not let the fact that she temporarily dropped off the face of the planet interfere with your ultimate goal.
That’s why it is so important that you do the Ex Girlfriend Recovery version of stop, drop, and roll… except it’s more like, “Stop, Drop It, and Don’t Gnat Your Ex.”
Alright so let’s keep up this momentum. I don’t want to lose you while I make goofy jokes…
Can I Still Get Her Back?
Okay, if you are in the texting phase then that means that you’ve at least been through 21 days of No Contact, if not 45. So, It’s safe to say that there has been a bit of time that has passed since the two of you brokeup. And if you did No Contact the RIGHT, then it’s likely that you have made a few changes in your life… hopefully for the better.
But… there is a way of thinking that most people I talk to get stuck in. They tend to think that they know exactly what their ex has been up to.
I was actually talking to one of the girls in our Facebook Group the other day about this exact thing. Her ex had stopped responding.
The conversation went something like this.
Her: “He usually answers within a few minutes. It’s been a little over a day. Does this mean I’ve missed my chance?!”
Me: “Well, I’d give it a couple days. There is always the chance that something understandable happened that he just didn’t feel comfortable talking about with you now that you aren’t dating.”
Her: :No, he tells me everything.”
Me: “Well, maybe he’s got something that is keeping him busy.”
Her: “No he has a classes on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. And has his daughter on the weekends.”
You see the issue?
In her mind, their relationship is exactly he same as it was before they broke up. She hasn’t even entertained the thought that while she was doing No Contact and making her life better, he may have, i don’t know, changed his schedule, or maybe branched out and tried something new.
But the thing is, no matter how much we want that relationship to stay the same, that connection to last on the same level, it changes when you are no longer romantic with a person. There are some things you just don’t tell an ex.
And a lot of the time, the reason this is difficult is because we, the person that wants to get back together, are open and willing to tell our ex everything that is going on in our lives. We are just waiting for them to show interest or simply give us an opening. So, it’s natural to kind of assume that the other person is feeling the same way, when in reality it’s more likely that they are just trying to live their life, like anyone would.
I mean, think about it. When you start dating someone, they fill up a pretty big part of your life. So, when you split up, it would make sense that there would be a really big void to fill. Now, it’s nice to think that your ex is just sitting around missing you, but we all heal at different paces. And odds are that she is going to keep living life no matter how much she does miss you. So, instead of just assuming that she quit talking to you because of some nefarious reason, take a step back and consider that maybe it doesn’t mean anything. And the thing is, even if she did get annoyed at you… or tired of you… or something else that would drive you bananas…there is still a way to get her back talking to you again!
Try not to have a heart attack. I promise I’m getting to it.
You’re probably over there like this right now…
So That Brings Us to What You Should Do To Get Her Back
You know how sit-coms and tv shows poke fun at guys not noticing things right away or reading into things women do correctly? Well, I’m going to tell you a secret. Yes, you could have been a little pushy about getting back together. Yes, you could have said something that made her feel uncomfortable. And Yes, you she could have decided that you weren’t serious about the changes you had made in your life. But, suddenly ignoring you doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the end of the world.
Fight those baser instincts that are telling you to demand that she pay attention to you by sending a ton of semi-threatening texts.
Here’s what you are going to do.
First, of all. The contact with her ends for at least a couple of days. You are going to used this time to focus on getting your head on straight. Okay, because my guess is, you started texting with her, you started gaining rapport, and then… you got excited.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d be excited too, except, it’s hard to stay calm when you’re excited.
You’re probably like, duh Ashley.
But I mean it. Suddenly your phone was in your hand constantly just in case she texted. You had to fight the urge to answer her texts almost instantly or send multiple texts in a row.
And, you found yourself saying things that didn’t line up with that calm, cool, and collected person that the Ex Girlfriend Recovery suggests that you stick with when you are connecting.
So, do a mini No Contact and wrap your head around the concept again. Maybe read over the text phase and the No Contact Phase again.
You want to be in complete control of your emotions and know what it takes to make the texting phase work.
Now, I’m not going to rewrite all of the details of the texting phase here but I can link to that article and you can do a quick refresher course.
Most of the time, when a girl ends up ignoring a guy she’s been chatting with, something just came up in her life. However, if you take a step back and give her a little space, she is like to feel that scarcity that we are trying to create. The “You were there, available, and clearly interested. She walked away for a minute and suddenly YOU have realized that YOU have a life of your own.
It’s pretty simple right?
This is why it is so darn important that you not freak out if she poofs out of the conversation for a bit.If you want to make her come back, you can catch her interest simply by pulling back a bit on the attention that you are giving her. It seems counter-intuitive but this is the most effective way to have her come crawling back. If you want more info on this and you have the book, just find the section that talks about the push/pull method it works if you need a bit of a refresher course on how to re-establish communication without going overboard.
Just stand back and remind yourself what the long term goal here is. Would you rather have answers to why she’s not all over you or would you rather get her back?
I think that answers the question here, but if you have further questions, feel free to ask them in the comments below and our team will be happy to help you further. Or if you just have a thought or idea fell free to do that below as well. We love to hear from you all. Go do great things!
So, let’s talk about your situation below in the comments.
- Tell me what your relationship was like before the breakup
- What your breakup was actually like?
- And what you have done after your breakup?
From there I think we can make an educated assessment about your situation and from there talk about how you should approach getting your ex to stop ignoring you and get her back for good,